Dont know what to do... help!!!

LegacyUser · 29-02-2016 1:38am #1

Need your advice ladies. Myself & my husband been having marriage trouble which he blames on me & has taken his wedding ring off months ago in protest but I feel he just wants to separate. Then today he tells me he thinks one of his female friends has a crush on him and she has some notion he is going to leave me for her and won't leave him alone. She turns up at our home tonight and wants to tell me about their affair and has messaged with claims of what they have been up to.
Ive known he has a lot of female friends, he always had even when I met him. This girl suffers from bipolar and he is saying she is mental and it's all in her head.
I know I should belief him but there's some doubt in my head. What should I do?

Mars Bar · 29-02-2016 10:43am

Mod

Hi!
I've moved your thread to the more appropriate Relationship Issues forum.

Please be aware that the RI charter is now in effect.

Mars Bar

LegacyUser · 29-02-2016 12:59pm

Don't know you or your husband obviously but going by that I'd believe her. I mean come on, not wearing his wedding ring as 'protest' to your marriage difficulties..it would be funny if it wasn't such manipulative, sly and pathetic carry on. It's text book really, blames everything on you, has some affair, denies it, calls her crazy. You obviously don't want to believe her but it's not about what you want to see, it's about the truth of course, no matter how that makes you feel. I would think he's been with her, then dumped her and is now feeling her wrath about that and calling her mental etc to you so you don't believe her. But then again how would I know, I'm just going on what you've written. And by that? Sorry to say it looks like he's lying all over the place.

njs030 · 29-02-2016 1:08pm

You poor thing what an awful mess!!
To me the timing sounds like she's telling the truth- it sounds like she decided d to tell you and he got in first to make her seem like a liar, using someones mental health issues against them is pretty low!
Did anything she say seem familiar Op? Dates etc? It seems quite a stretch that she would make all of it up and come to tell you about it.

racso1975 · 29-02-2016 1:20pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

You poor thing what an awful mess!!
To me the timing sounds like she's telling the truth- it sounds like she decided d to tell you and he got in first to make her seem like a liar, using someones mental health issues against them is pretty low!
Did anything she say seem familiar Op? Dates etc? It seems quite a stretch that she would make all of it up and come to tell you about it.

It certainly does sound like a stretch but one i have heard happen before, though rare.

It looks like a number of things;

1) He wants out as you said as he has stopped wearing the ring. If he truly did not love you then he would not be too bothered about this as he'd be leaving anyway.

2) He could of been having an affair and lying to you and now using her mental health as get out.....Is this the type of man you think he is?

3) Did this woman provide any proof or evidence of the affair?

4) Where do you stand in all this? Prior to her contacting did you want to save the marriage? Do you want to save it now? Can you get over the affair if true or the accusation if false?

I

know I should belief him but there's some doubt in my head

you should believe your gut feelings and facts too!!!!

zoobizoo · 29-02-2016 3:48pm

Knowing someone with Bi-polar, they rarely out rightly lie like that. They might claim to be God or the next coming, but I can't remember an incident where they came out with something like that.

Sounds as if your husband slept with her and is using her illness to cover his tracks. Is that something he might do?

Harsh on you and her if that is the case

PinkLemonade · 29-02-2016 3:58pm

zoobizoo wrote: »

Knowing someone with Bi-polar, they rarely out rightly lie like that. They might claim to be God or the next coming, but I can't remember an incident where they came out with something like that.

Sounds as if your husband slept with her and is using her illness to cover his tracks. Is that something he might do?

Harsh on you and her if that is the case

Bring bipolar makes you no more honest then the next person, people lie, obviously someone's lying here anyway

Neyite · 29-02-2016 4:49pm

I'd have my doubts OP.

Calling the other person crazy is an old trick, as is finding fault in a relationship prior to embarking on any cheating in order to justify or rationalise your infidelity.

Taking off the wedding ring as protest? I can understand taking it off in the heat of a row, but to take it off long term in order to prove a point is stupid. Unless he wants to be seen without the ring in order to appear separated to someone who already knows he is married.

His version of events is not really stacking, is it?

Far more plausible that he engineered the rough patch to take off the ring, told friend he was separated under the same roof etc, promising to leave you for her etc. Then when she found him out, she blew the whistle on it.

What's your gut instincts telling you?

SouthernBelle · 29-02-2016 5:01pm

Do you know that she suffers from BiPolar or did he tell you that she does?

LegacyUser · 01-03-2016 1:01am

She has said see can provide proof of the affair. She already alerted to me something that is hidden in his car & I found it today so I can't help to think that she might be telling the truth..
My gut has always told me that there was something not right with this "friendship" and the timing of my husband taking off his ring is when she is claiming the affair started..
Do I go behind his back & see what proof she has?? Cause I don't want to be with someone who would cheat & doesn't want to be with me and it looks like he is trying to find a way out. He tells me I am a compulsive liar and I am the problem in the marriage but I have only ever lied to him twice about somethings and the rest of the problems are his accusations at me. I feel this relationship is just not healthy and is affected my health now too. I've even went as far as seeing a councellor to sort the problems he feels I have in an effort to save our marriage cause he tells me it's me who is damaging it.
I've been with this man for 11 years and since I was 19 and know nothing else. I feel scared to take the next step whatever that may be.....

PinkLemonade · 01-03-2016 12:56pm

In your position I would look at the facts, he sounds manipulative so knowing the facts will help strengthen your resolve.

I'm really sorry to say but I think your marraige is over, the affair is only part of it, you know it's not working out.

Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Friends it family?

Neyite · 01-03-2016 1:19pm

Guest6969 wrote: »

She has said see can provide proof of the affair. She already alerted to me something that is hidden in his car & I found it today so I can't help to think that she might be telling the truth..
My gut has always told me that there was something not right with this "friendship" and the timing of my husband taking off his ring is when she is claiming the affair started..
Do I go behind his back & see what proof she has?? Cause I don't want to be with someone who would cheat & doesn't want to be with me and it looks like he is trying to find a way out. He tells me I am a compulsive liar and I am the problem in the marriage but I have only ever lied to him twice about somethings and the rest of the problems are his accusations at me. I feel this relationship is just not healthy and is affected my health now too. I've even went as far as seeing a councellor to sort the problems he feels I have in an effort to save our marriage cause he tells me it's me who is damaging it.
I've been with this man for 11 years and since I was 19 and know nothing else. I feel scared to take the next step whatever that may be.....

Some will tell you that snooping is the worst thing you can do. Others may think its totally justified. Me, I think it really depends on circumstances. In this case, personally I wouldn't bother, because you've said :

I feel this relationship is just not healthy and is affected my health now too.

This is your answer. You don't need cheating to be your reason to walk away. You don't need proof of an affair. You do not have to justify walking away any further than "I'm not happy anymore"

I think counselling is a good idea - but not relationship counselling - just counselling for you to untangle your thoughts and gain clarity. He cant blame you for this marriage not working when he's taking off his ring 'in protest' and trying to gaslight you that you are soley to blame for things.

Milly33 · 02-03-2016 10:42am

Not a nice situation to be in, but it kinda sounds like whether he is having an affair or not ye need to part ways..

There is nothing wrong with this, don't feel bad for doing so or don't feel like he has pushed you into it.. The vibe from your words is that you aren't happy either, so maybe ye just need to admit it is over..

Ye got together very young and are still young...Why don't ye maybe take a break from eachother. Take a year off and go mad.. Then meet back up again and see maybe ye just needed to get things out of your system..

Regarding this lady I would be carefull to be hones,t id believe a man before a woman. Women can be sneaky and devious. (are deleted)

The fact that she even hid something in his car when they are suppose to be having a secret affair is a bit questionable..
If that is the case she wanted him to get caught..Would have me thinking maybe he gave her a spin home one day or maybe they did have a sneaky kiss/maybe they did not but that she wanted him or wanted to get him into trouble so planted whatever I take tis a nickers is it, with the plan to tell you..

racso1975 · 02-03-2016 10:52am

Milly33 wrote: »

Not a nice situation to be in, but it kinda sounds like whether he is having an affair or not ye need to part ways..

There is nothing wrong with this, don't feel bad for doing so or don't feel like he has pushed you into it.. The vibe from your words is that you aren't happy either, so maybe ye just need to admit it is over..

Ye got together very young and are still young...Why don't ye maybe take a break from eachother. Take a year off and go mad.. Then meet back up again and see maybe ye just needed to get things out of your system..

Regarding this lady I would be carefull to be hones,t id believe a man before a woman. Women are sneaky and devious.

The fact that she even hid something in his car when they are suppose to be having a secret affair is a bit questionable..
If that is the case she wanted him to get caught..Would have me thinking maybe he gave her a spin home one day or maybe they did have a sneaky kiss/maybe they did not but that she wanted him or wanted to get him into trouble so planted whatever I take tis a nickers is it, with the plan to tell you..

Wow....just wow.

We dont know that the lady hid something in the car all we know is that she told op there was something hidden in the car

Milly33 · 02-03-2016 11:18am

No getting it, why the wow!! Who else hid something in the car... Their are only two people who could have hidden something the car. the op said the lady knew so would be thinking it was this lady who hid it..

racso1975 · 02-03-2016 11:49am

Milly33 wrote: »

No getting it, why the wow!! Who else hid something in the car... Their are only two people who could have hidden something the car. the op said the lady knew so would be thinking it was this lady who hid it..

Maybe the husband was hiding a box of condoms in the the car or details of another bank account or gambling dockets or a hammer in case he is attacked the list is endless. She may be aware of what it is because he showed her or confided in her. Yes you may be right and this lady hid something but you are jumping to that conclusion.

The wow is in relation to stating women are sneaky and devious!!!! A pretty huge generalisation!!!

LegacyUser · 02-03-2016 11:51am

Guest6969 wrote: »

I've been with this man for 11 years and since I was 19 and know nothing else. I feel scared to take the next step whatever that may be.....

You're only 30. Whatever pain you might go through in the next while, you have loads of time ahead of you to live a better life that the one you're enduring right now.

Putting aside the possibility of infidelity, why did you put up with him taking off his ring and giving you the impression he wants to separate without doing anything about it? Personally, once that happens I'd hold the door for anyone who wants to leave. If someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't make them and you'll only make yourself unhappy by trying. I don't think you need to analyse whether or not that woman is telling the truth, I think you need to start making plans to get away from someone who is clearly not committed to the marriage. Commitment to a good relationship is a great thing, even if that relationship hits a rough patch for whatever reason, commitment to a bad one is wrong on so many levels. It's pretty obvious to me which kind you're in.

timmy880 · 02-03-2016 11:57am

Is the lady clinically bipolar and "mental" or is that just what your husband says she is? That would be a standard defense to someone claiming an affair surely? Anyway, considering the timing, she is most likely telling the truth.

Emme · 02-03-2016 11:59am

OP your husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

He told you a work colleague had a crush on him and is bipolar inferring that she is not credible. Many bipolar people live productive and successful lives and can be incredibly talented. He is being disrespectful to her as well as you. He sounds like a right catch.

The work colleague told you they were having an affair.

Go with your gut instinct on this. Your husband may deny the affair until he's blue in the face and nobody can be sure of anything unless there's proof or he's caught with somebody.

Have you asked your husband would he be willing to attend marriage counselling? Leaving off his wedding ring is serious and would be a good reason to explore the reason behind this with a qualified third party (marriage counsellor).

dudara · 02-03-2016 12:13pm

Milly33 wrote: »

Women are sneaky and devious.

Less of the generalisations please. Such statements are imflammatory.

dudara

Milly33 · 02-03-2016 2:38pm

Are ye all not generalises the man saying that he is wrong... Sorry I see a typo also I should have said can be sneaky and devious...

Guest6969 · 02-03-2016 9:45pm

She told me he had a 'Girlfriend' valentines card hidden in the boot. I found it but he hadn't written anything on it and was still in wrapping.
She's told me his best friend saw him buy it and has known of the affair.
She has also told me of times they have been together but most of these I have known about as he told me he was with her as they are friends.

PressRun · 03-03-2016 12:53am

Milly33 wrote: »

Are ye all not generalises the man saying that he is wrong... Sorry I see a typo also I should have said can be sneaky and devious...

How could anyone be generalising the man by saying he's wrong? People are giving their opinion on one situation and one individual based on information given. They're not making grand statements about what all men are like, in the way that you made a sweeping statement about women, saying they're sneaky and devious. Not only is that a generalisation, it's sexist too. Nobody here said "men are such and such" or made any kind of statement that attributes negative characteristics to all men. There's no comparison between what you said and what everyone else is saying.

As for the OP, it sounds like he was conducting an affair with this woman and is now trying to gaslight the pair of ye (wouldn't be surprised if he's just throwing the bipolar term about without knowing its meaning, tbh). It seems like this is wearing you out in any case. Might be a good idea to break away from this head-wrecking nonsense.

strandroad · 03-03-2016 1:05am

Your husband is just throwing terms at random here, to have a bipolar disorder is to have extreme highs and lows but it does not create delusions of nonexistent affairs as he wants you to believe.

Why do you think he is even trying to convince you if he wanted to separate for so long?

Idle Passerby · 03-03-2016 2:45am

OP Your reaction to this sounds oddly naive. Why are you doubting this woman when your husband hasn't been wearing his wedding ring in months? Do you really think he removed his wedding ring to make some sort of petty spiteful dig at you? Its far more plausible he removed it becasue he's already decided the marriage is over and is probably happy to let others believe the same.

The obvious assumption based on what you've written is that he only told you his colleague fancies him because she realised the "separated" man shes been seeing is actually still very much married and he knew that sh1t was about to hit the fan.

bluetomato · 03-03-2016 3:12am

Guest6969 wrote: »

Then today he tells me he thinks one of his female friends has a crush on him and she has some notion he is going to leave me for her and won't leave him alone. She turns up at our home tonight and wants to tell me about their affair and has messaged with claims of what they have been up to...............
This girl suffers from bipolar and he is saying she is mental and it's all in her head.

If his version of events was true then i'd be genuinely concerned about the safety of my family and I would expect him to be also and to phone the guards.

Milly33 · 03-03-2016 10:15am

At least im saying it outright rather than footing around the idea that the man could actually not be in the wrong here.. OP that card proofs nothing, maybe he had purchased it for you as a funny valentine card or do ye have kids by any chance... Seems very convenient that the best friend was here to witness this purchase.

I am sorry but men just don't tend to go to this much effort and they don't tend to bring their best friends valentines day cards..

Everyone has their opinions but it comes down to me thinks they two of ye need to sit down and talk everything through.Sounds like neither of ye want to be in the relationship anymore so do what is right.

Taltos · 03-03-2016 10:24am

Mod Note
Milly33 - please read our charter and have a look at some other threads.
However - I don't want to see you posting on this thread again.

Some key points. Where warned by a mod, you don't argue or correct on thread, you take it to PM - but we let that slide. What we won't let slide is your picking apart the OPs issue. The OP is here for constructive and civil advice - you either responding with generalisations or telling them that men just don't go to that effort is unacceptable - especially since it's yet another generalisation.

PI/RI is strictly moderated due to the nature of the issues here - if you can't play nice then please just don't post.

Taltos

Milly33 · 03-03-2016 10:25am

Ohh cant say women are wrong, Not a bother ill walk away

Merkin · 03-03-2016 11:26am

Milly33 wrote: »

Ohh cant say women are wrong, Not a bother ill walk away

You've already had sufficient warning. Banned for a week and please remind yourself of the charter before posting in PI or RI again.

Neyite · 03-03-2016 12:40pm

OP, you don't need to make any decisions now. You can also "take your wedding ring off to have a think about the relationship" for a few weeks. After all, he did, and expected you to be ok with it.

Can you ask him to stay with a friend for a few weeks to give you head-space to figure out what you want to do. There is no way you can make a decision with her trying to convince you one way, and him trying to convince you another. If he genuinely loves you, and trusts you to find the truth (and assuming that he IS telling the truth) then he will let you have some time to think. Often times it is the lies that are told at this stage that do the most damage to a relationship, rather than the (alleged) infidelity.

Consider this: If the roles were reversed, and it was your friend accusing you of having an affair would your husband be likely to give you the same benefit of the doubt that you are giving to him?

For me, there are too many coincidences and indisputable facts that something went on, and that it went sour quickly. Take a step back from the lot of it, take your time to look at the facts that you have in front of you, and make your decision based on what YOU want to do. And like I said earlier, if you are unhappy in this relationship, that is enough of a reason to choose to end it if you want to.

Guest6969 · 03-03-2016 12:57pm

Really starting to feel like the fool here... My husband said he'd cut all ties with her after her 'mental' outburst of accusing him of an affair and told her to f*ck off and now he said she has apologised and said she is sorry for her crazy outburst and now they are back messaging each other again like nothing happened!

strandroad · 03-03-2016 1:55pm

Guest6969 wrote: »

Really starting to feel like the fool here... My husband said he'd cut all ties with her after her 'mental' outburst of accusing him of an affair and told her to f*ck off and now he said she has apologised and said she is sorry for her crazy outburst and now they are back messaging each other again like nothing happened!

He probably told her that *you're* bipolar and she needs to back off so that he can sort you out and they can be together...

Expect another round of the same drama in a few weeks.

Idle Passerby · 03-03-2016 3:52pm

Even if he's telling the truth (which seems unlikely) he's ignoring your concerns and playing down whatever relationship he has with this woman.

Think about it OP, why would anyone want to stay friends with a colleague who made wild unfounded accusations about their marriage? Why would anyone keep texting that person like it was no big deal? Why would they lie to their wife about having cut contact with someone they claim is "crazy"?

An innoscent man would be standing firmly on his wifes side at this stage and leaving no shadow of doubt that he did nothing to provoke this womans behaviour. He's making a very ham fisted job of sorting this out if he has nothing to feel guilty about.

PinkLemonade · 03-03-2016 4:27pm

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Even if he's telling the truth (which seems unlikely) he's ignoring your concerns and playing down whatever relationship he has with this woman.

Think about it OP, why would anyone want to stay friends with a colleague who made wild unfounded accusations about their marriage? Why would anyone keep texting that person like it was no big deal? Why would they lie to their wife about having cut contact with someone they claim is "crazy"?

An innoscent man would be standing firmly on his wifes side at this stage and leaving no shadow of doubt that he did nothing to provoke this womans behaviour. He's making a very ham fisted job of sorting this out if he has nothing to feel guilty about.

This OP, you deserve to be treated so much better than this man is treating you.

Do you have someone you can talk to OP? Anyone who can support you?

tara73 · 03-03-2016 5:01pm

Guest6969 wrote: »

Really starting to feel like the fool here... My husband said he'd cut all ties with her after her 'mental' outburst of accusing him of an affair and told her to f*ck off and now he said she has apologised and said she is sorry for her crazy outburst and now they are back messaging each other again like nothing happened!

OP, I really think you should take matters in your own hands now, somebody else suggested to ask him to move out for a few weeks to give you head space and I think it's a very good and reasonable idea regarding the horrible situation he put you in.
Don't let this man walk all over you.
To be completely honest, I think this marriage is more than over but you are still in denial about it.

Emme · 03-03-2016 6:13pm

Guest6969 wrote: »

She told me he had a 'Girlfriend' valentines card hidden in the boot. I found it but he hadn't written anything on it and was still in wrapping.
She's told me his best friend saw him buy it and has known of the affair.
She has also told me of times they have been together but most of these I have known about as he told me he was with her as they are friends.

If anyone is sneaky and devious it's your husband. He's telling you they're friends and when they're meeting so you won't suspect anything. He's telling you she has a crush on him and is bipolar.

BUT

He has indicated he's not happy and wants to separate
He has left off his wedding ring
He bought a Valentine's card and I assume he didn't send it to you

It's time to wake up. if your husband won't go to marriage counselling with you to save the marriage your marriage is over.

I agree with the suggestion that you leave off your ring as well. I strongly recommend that you get good legal advice if you have any property together.

Dont know what to do... help!!!

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