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  • 21-02-2016 2:05pm
    #1
    sarahzxe
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭


    Hello everyone,
    Looking for advice, I’m 28 and have been with current boyfriend one year see each other 1-2 days per week as long distance. I am having some doubts not really sure how to describe it but im unsure of my feelings for him. I feel very bad saying this as he is the nicest guy could ever ask for, I am attracted to him physically no issues there but I find personality wise he is very naïve about life, no real career goals, no interest in travel, very disorganised.
    Basically he just doesn’t give me butterflies. My family really like him and his family same about me.
    He has a lot of pros I trust him 100%, he treats me very well, we do get along well generally, he is handsome, sex is very good, he has told me he wants marriage/kids with me in next few years.
    I’ll be moving away in next 6 months to uk for 2 years and he has offered to move over with me. Part of me very scared at prospect as be living together etc. We have just returned from break away for few days and he was getting on my nerves abit and I found myself snapping.
    I do care about him a lot and don’t want to hurt him can this work even though I wouldn’t say I’m madly in love with him? Sorry if makes no sense.
    Ps. I have never really been in love have only had strong feelings for 2 guys and they weren’t serious relationships. Wondering if it will ever happen! 


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    #2
    sbs2010
    Registered Users Posts: 551 ✭✭✭sbs2010


    Too many warning signs in that post. It's time to move on.

    Guys don't change. Hoping they'll change is a recipe for a continually frustrating relationship at the very best.


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    #3
    acon2119
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭acon2119


    He's obviously just not the right guy for you. Your getting so many warning signs from your own gut instinct that hes not for you and your still thinking it might work out but it wont. Don't compromise and settle for less than real love.

    He dosent necessarily need to change, he'll be right for someone else, just not you.


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    #4
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    did you ever talk to him about it? that it bothers you?

    It should always be the first step to talk to each other and clear things if possible.
    you could get an insight why he's acting like he acts, some fears of him, whatever.
    you might be able to help him i.e work on things together and things could get better.


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    #5
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    You're settling. End it now. You'll find someone better suited to you.


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    #6
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 17,848 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    sarahzxe wrote: »
    Ps. I have never really been in love have only had strong feelings for 2 guys and they weren’t serious relationships. Wondering if it will ever happen! 

    how come? assuming its important to you to find someone to settle down with you dont seem to have put any effort into it? you seem to have let your 20's slip by and now you are dating someone for over a year and only now are concluding that he isnt career focused enough for you?

    I agree that you should probably break up with him, if you have lost respect for him the sooner it ends the better, not least for him. Out of curiosity though, why does your family like him if he is in some dead end job relative to yourself? If as someone suggested above you talk this through with him, might going to the UK be good for whatever he does? It does seem a little ironic that the guy that doesnt want to travel is prepared to move to the UK for you :D

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think it's unfair to ask him to change as that is just his personality. I would say just move on,he seems like a good guy and it wouldn't be fair on him or you


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    #8
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    I've seen friends break up with perfectly good guys and then either never find another one (one friend broke up with a lovely long-term guy in her 20s and she is 36 and still single now) or else they struggled dating idiots for years and eventually settled for a guy that wasn't half as good as the guy they left go.

    I'd be wary of getting rid of a perfectly good guy for what sound like not very solid reasons. In my experience and that of my friends, it's hard to find a good man. I would think long and hard about this and are these reasons really so important? You see people come on here saying the guy drinks too much, gambles, cheats, doesn't want kids, already has kids and a psycho ex etc and people still stay with these guys out of love. But you have a really great guy who is loyal, good se*, your family like him, he's willing to move to the UK with you i.e. committed and you're complaining that he's disorganised? Naive about life can actually be kind of endearing. It's nice to have someone that isn't a hard-nosed cynic.

    Can you not encourage him to be more ambitious? How bad is his lack of ambition? Coz that's the only one of his faults you've listed that I would even consider to be a serious one. As it affects your future earnings and how many kids you can afford to have and what kind of quality of life you'll have, so that one is important, but can it not be changed?


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    #9
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    sarahzxe wrote: »
    Hello everyone,
    Looking for advice, I’m 28 and have been with current boyfriend one year see each other 1-2 days per week as long distance. I am having some doubts not really sure how to describe it but im unsure of my feelings for him. I feel very bad saying this as he is the nicest guy could ever ask for, I am attracted to him physically no issues there but I find personality wise he is very naïve about life, no real career goals, no interest in travel, very disorganised.
    Basically he just doesn’t give me butterflies. My family really like him and his family same about me.
    He has a lot of pros I trust him 100%, he treats me very well, we do get along well generally, he is handsome, sex is very good, he has told me he wants marriage/kids with me in next few years.
    I’ll be moving away in next 6 months to uk for 2 years and he has offered to move over with me. Part of me very scared at prospect as be living together etc. We have just returned from break away for few days and he was getting on my nerves abit and I found myself snapping.
    I do care about him a lot and don’t want to hurt him can this work even though I wouldn’t say I’m madly in love with him? Sorry if makes no sense.
    Ps. I have never really been in love have only had strong feelings for 2 guys and they weren’t serious relationships. Wondering if it will ever happen! 

    How well do you know each other? You say you are together a year which isn't that long and see each other twice a week. You say he was getting on your nerves during a weekend away.

    I'm half tempted to tell you to let him move to the UK but it would be unfair for him to uproot himself if you're not sure about him now. The only thing would be that if you did live together you'd find out very quickly if you're compatible. You could still do long distance if you were in the uk but you'd see each other once a week at most.

    Relationships of 2, 3 years and longer break up. Perhaps your famiy and his family think you're a good fit together.

    What would he work at if he joined you in the UK? Has he ever lived away from home? I'm assuming you are both around the same age. If he hasn't the UK might broaden his horizons and he might be a bit more ambitious and willing to travel when he is away from family.

    I agree with the poster who says it's hard to find a good man. That's no reason to settle for somebody but relationships aren't perfect and have to be worked on. This man has demonstrated a willingness to commit among other honourable qualities which is a big thing. At the end of the day it isn't butterflies in the stomach that count, it's somebody who is willing to go the distance, is trustworthy and happy to help you through tough times in your life. Likewise you should be willing to do the same for him.


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    #10
    Hemerodrome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 160 ✭✭Hemerodrome


    stickybookmark wrote: »
    I've seen friends break up with perfectly good guys and then either never find another one (one friend broke up with a lovely long-term guy in her 20s and she is 36 and still single now) or else they struggled dating idiots for years and eventually settled for a guy that wasn't half as good as the guy they left go.

    I'd be wary of getting rid of a perfectly good guy for what sound like not very solid reasons. In my experience and that of my friends, it's hard to find a good man. I would think long and hard about this and are these reasons really so important? You see people come on here saying the guy drinks too much, gambles, cheats, doesn't want kids, already has kids and a psycho ex etc and people still stay with these guys out of love. But you have a really great guy who is loyal, good se*, your family like him, he's willing to move to the UK with you i.e. committed and you're complaining that he's disorganised? Naive about life can actually be kind of endearing. It's nice to have someone that isn't a hard-nosed cynic.

    Can you not encourage him to be more ambitious? How bad is his lack of ambition? Coz that's the only one of his faults you've listed that I would even consider to be a serious one. As it affects your future earnings and how many kids you can afford to have and what kind of quality of life you'll have, so that one is important, but can it not be changed?

    I find this post tragic. It's a suggestion to settle. I really hope the OP doesn't take it to heart or it could be the start of a long period of dissatisfaction and resentment.

    OP, it doesn't really matter why you feel the way you do, you just don't feel the way you should in order to take this further and you really need to listen to your instincts. You either find out that between the two of you the issues can be addressed to allow you both to enjoy the relationship, or you end it. The idea of ignoring the issues and settling is the worst way to proceed, no happiness down that road.


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    #11
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,187 ✭✭✭Augme


    I don't think her post is a suggestion to settle, but more a suggestion to stop and think. The OP has never been in love before. If she's never experienced love before then it's possible she just doesn't know what it feels like. Love isn't the same feeling for everyone, it's not a Walt Disney movie where you will feel butterflies for your partner 24/7 forever. For me it was a feeling of relaxedness, I find it hard to describe. but it was never butterflies.

    There's nothing wrong with sitting down with yourself and having a proper think about what you feel is essential in a partner and what you'd be willing to sacrifice. Love isn't perfection. The chances of finding a partner who ticks every single box is so so rare. Staying with a partner who doesn't have the career goals(for example) you'd like isn't necessarily settling either.


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    #12
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    Hemerodrome wrote: »
    I find this post tragic. It's a suggestion to settle. .

    No it's not - she said their sxe life is good, that means she's attracted to him so the physical element of the relationship is there. So therefore it's not settling!

    I am afraid the OP is suffering from ''the next shiney penny'' syndrome which is where we think faraway hills are greener and she could throw away a perfectly good relationship and then go through a crisis in a year's time when he's happily hooked up with someone else and she realises what she threw away.


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    #13
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    I can't see any of the points OP listed as being ultimate deal breakers. I think she just has uncertainties. I would suggest that she goes over to the UK by herself and asks for a break so that they are both free to date/see other people and decide if after the 2 years whether they still have feelings for eachother. OP may decide after the 2 year break that yes, he was Mr Right all along and that the issues she thought were potential deal breakers were not actually so. Yes, she also takes the risk that her BF may have moved on and found someone else but that is the risk of making any big decision.

    For what it's worth, I know of two friends who left their boyfriends for "breaks". One to go to Oz for 2 years and another who had been dating her BF since she was 18 and at 28 just wanted a year out to see what it would be like to be single and date other guys. Both understood that their BFs may not be there when they finished their breaks apart but as it happened they were. I expect it made the relationships more solid afterwards as the "what if" factor was removed. Both are now happily married to their original BFs whom they took breaks from.


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    #14
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    stickybookmark wrote: »
    No it's not - she said their sxe life is good, that means she's attracted to him so the physical element of the relationship is there. So therefore it's not settling!

    I am afraid the OP is suffering from ''the next shiney penny'' syndrome which is where we think faraway hills are greener and she could throw away a perfectly good relationship and then go through a crisis in a year's time when he's happily hooked up with someone else and she realises what she threw away.

    Sorry, but I have to agree with the above poster and say that this is settling.

    There are plenty of people to have good sex with - that doesnt make them "the one", if that concept even exists at all.

    The OP says she's not madly in love with him and that even spending a few days together caused him to get on her nerves. This is really not great.

    It sounds like he's a great guy on paper, but his ambition and goals arent aligned to what the OP wants for herself. When you break up with someone there is always the risk that you won't find someone better, or someone else at all, but I don't think thats a good enough reason to stay in a relationship where just by being himself, the other person annoys you.

    Being single is not the worst thing in the world.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stickybookmark wrote: »
    No it's not - she said their sxe life is good, that means she's attracted to him so the physical element of the relationship is there. So therefore it's not settling!

    This has not logic to it at all, the definition of "settling" doesn't begin and end with sex. Settling is knowing it's not what you want, but being scared to let go in case you don't find what you do want, i.e. settling for what you've got, hence the term.


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    #16
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    SarahMollie wrote: »
    but I don't think thats a good enough reason to stay in a relationship where just by being himself, the other person annoys you.

    I'm very happily married, and I'll be honest there are times he annoys the sh!t out of me !!!! And I him no doubt.
    There are things about him that always have and always will wreck my head!


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    #17
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    stickybookmark wrote: »
    I'm very happily married, and I'll be honest there are times he annoys the sh!t out of me !!!! And I him no doubt.
    There are things about him that always have and always will wreck my head!

    True, of course everyone can be annoying sometimes, and sometimes people can be irritable and overly sensitive, but from reading the OP, to me it sounds like more than that.

    I've been in a relationship in the past where you know well that you're not justified to be annoyed, yet you are, and any efforts by the other person to annoy you less only get on your nerves more.

    Its a no win situation and very unfair to the other person and no doubt their self esteem will be eroded over time. Its a symptom of being with the wrong person, and also being in a relationship where one party is much more into the relationship than the other.


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