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LDR - not sure my heart is in it, should I go see him?

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  • 07-03-2016 7:20pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    There's a TLDR, fyi.

    I've been in a long-distance 'relationship' with a man since January. We met at an event in October. There was no attraction felt on my part for him at the time, I was tired from a long week. We chatted, exchanged details, he added me on Facebook (for 'networking').

    He started a conversation with me on FB in November. He was nice, said all the right things, soon I'd constant butterflies, more than I'd ever felt, but didn't want to do long-distance. In the end, he said he liked me a few times, was persistant, and I put him through the ringer. Told him LDRs don't work, we'd never work, etc. When he realised I was serious that this couldn't happen, he backed off respectfully.

    A few weeks later, it's late, we're both awake, he's been drinking a little and calls me. Says he's struggling to get over me, hardest thing he's ever done, and I know I've been feeling the same. His feelings sound strong like mine, and in the moment I tell him I like him, and we start 'dating.' I naively think our feelings are so intense they'll last forever.

    Other than Skype we haven't seen each other since October. Where he lives in England would take a couple hundred euro to get to between flights (Ryanairs finest), trains/buses, etc. Next time we'll probably see each other is for the event in October again. We're students. He's struggling to keep afloat. I could go to him for a weekend in June once college ends (cheaper to book then as it's so in advance), but am not sure how I feel now, let alone how I'll feel then. I'm worried I'll see him and still feel nothing - and then what? Spend the weekend pretending I do? Tell him after the first day it's not working out? Fly home, wait a while and then say it?

    Our lack of intimacy makes me feel like we're just friends. Often I don't even smile at his cute texts anymore. I feel I'm telling him I miss him or wish he was here out of habit, and when I imagine us meeting again, getting intimate, it doesn't give me the same shivers and excitement it used to.

    When I started to like him, I thought that this could be the real thing if we lived close, but my feelings have faded to be practically non-existant, and I'm not sure seeing him in person will help. I still don't really find him physically attractive. It's all about what he says, who he is - not what he looks like.

    He's very serious about this - way more than me - and has been from the start. He's always been leaps ahead of me. Told me he was falling in love with me after a week (red flag maybe?), he thought I was 'the one,' told me he loved me in our fourth week of 'dating.' I'm still not close to there yet, but I do think we're perfect for each other and none of what he says ever scares me. He's talked about our wedding (his friend is getting married so maybe he's on a buzz?), kids, our future house, you name it.

    It's hard to talk about without making this identifiable to those who know me, but he's very understanding of an issue I have, that most men don't understand, and so I've the extra issue that I feel like I shouldn't give someone like that up.

    I just don't know what to do, or if there's anything to do at this stage.

    TLDR: In a LDR for three months, but haven't had face-to-face contact with the man since we got together. My feelings have faded, I don't find him physically attractive, and he's much more into this than I am. I feel like I should fight for whatever this is, but a part of me is asking if it's worth it. I'm afraid to spend most of my savings on seeing him for a weekend in the summer in case this isn't meant to be.


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    #2
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    You didn't find him attractive when you met, don't now, you spend no actual time together and you sound like you find the idea of doing so unpleasant.

    To be honest it sounds like you are stringing him along, and are contemplating continuing to do so, because of whatever this issue is you spoke about and his acceptance of it - out of a fear that if you don't have him, you'll have no one. Which is really really unfair to him, and ultimately to you as well, and will only end up with you both hurt and miserable and then you breaking up with him at a later point anyway when you feel the same and it's not enough, or him breaking up with you when he realises how you really feel.

    Just let him know that you think it'd be best for both of you that you went your separate ways, wish him well in future, and leave it at that. (Don't use the excuse that it's the long distance. I think you know yourself that's not the only reason - and it wouldn't be fair to leave him with the impression that things could work between you if either you or he moved closer.)


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    #3
    OnTheCouch
    Registered Users Posts: 526 ✭✭✭OnTheCouch


    No offence, but I don't understand how you weren't attracted to him physically, but then got 'constant butterflies, more than I'd ever felt' after he spoke to you online. Sure, sometimes attraction is not instantaneous, we all know that, but what exactly was he saying online that made him stand out more than every other man you have ever met? Attraction can grow through online communication, but so much so that you say the feelings are stronger than with anyone else?

    And yes, if he is understanding of whatever issue you have that's a massive plus point in his favour. But if you still aren't romantically interested in him, you really should state it loud and clearly and say you just want to be friends (as irritating as it is to hear that).

    Otherwise I'd have to agree with the above poster, that you are just stringing him along, especially as he seems quite interested. Without wanting to be rude or pry (you don't have to answer this question if you don't want), but are you lacking male interest for whatever reason at home? It seems to me that you're blowing this guy's feelings out of all proportion, this is usually because of a scarcity of other possibilities, for both men and women.


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    #4
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    It's not fair to do this to him. You can't keep someone in a relationship solely for your own gain.


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    #5
    Buona Fortuna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    You sound, a little, as if you are dreading this weekend.

    If that's the case, kill it straight away.

    "Sorry, can't afford it now, I've had to spend the money on X"

    You then have more time to think and you can see what his reaction is.

    I agree with the other two posters that in a way you are stringing him along. I think though that its quite natural to have doubts about prospective love interests, especially one with so little actual face to face time - which is why I say" in a way". I don't know you - clearly, maybe you are just more honest more in tune with your feelings than others?

    If after you've given yourself space to think, ending it would be simple.

    "Sorry you know I've had doubts about this LDR thing, well I've met someone and I'd like to see where it goes".


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    #6
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You know, even without your feelings for this guy coming into it, there are so many alarm bells ringing here. The way he pursued you and has been so full on is something that I find scary. Is he from a non-European background by any chance? Like the others, I think you should end this as soon as you can. Be polite but firm. Something tells me he won't take this well. Once you tell him, block him on everything. Your phone, Facebook etc.


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    #7
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Look at my thread about my LDR that I just posted recently if you want to see how this will probably end. And I did have butterflies when I met the guy (he's gorgeous!), and we did sleep together at the time, and saw each other twice after that and went on a long holiday together, and still the distance thing was still too much. If you're not even attracted to him sexually, then what's the point? I wouldn't bother.


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    #8
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    LDRdisaster wrote: »
    There's a TLDR, fyi.

    A few weeks later, it's late, we're both awake, he's been drinking a little and calls me. Says he's struggling to get over me, hardest thing he's ever done, and I know I've been feeling the same. His feelings sound strong like mine, and in the moment I tell him I like him, and we start 'dating.' I naively think our feelings are so intense they'll last forever..

    Struggling to get over each other? And you've only met each other once. You have strong feelings for a man you've never been in a relationship with - a man you didn't even find physically attractive in the first place. Incredible. Sounds like both of you are living some sort of fantasy.


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