Confused and a little worried, advice needed.

missrosetaylor · 06-03-2016 12:02am #1

Hi all,

I just wanted to post here about something that has been worrying me a little over the past few days. I've tried brushing it off, but it still worries me nonetheless.

Met a guy from my local town on new years eve and we've been seeing each other every weekend ever since. Since the beginning he's been bringing me out on dates; cinema, ice-skating, dinner, concerts etc. He also brought me flowers on valentines. Things have been going great. However, I noticed from the very start that he is not someone who can express his emotions very well, in other words he can't express them at all. He has never said anything flirtatious or romantic to me ever. We are never stuck for anything to talk about - we can talk for hours and tell each other lots about what's going on our lives and so on and we always have a really good time together. I try to flirt with him in a playful way sometimes but he doesn't ever get on board with it he just gets awkward. His actions tell me that he does like me and wants something more than a casual relationship. Because of this I turned a blind eye to his emotional and romantic deficit and just put it down to shyness and being unable to express himself. I felt like I should just be thankful to have met someone decent who doesn't give me any drama or trouble.

However, over the past week certain things have made me question him. Just recently, my mother had to spend a week in hospital after a sudden health scare which was a terrible shock to myself and my family. When I told him, he just asked me if I was ok but after that he didn't asked me how she was doing even though he knew I was in hospital every day visiting her. He didn't offer to help with anything or never called me to see how things were. I thought that maybe he wanted to give me space but at the same time it felt like he didn't care all that much. As well, he went on holidays with his guy friends this past week. My friends said that I should ask him whether we were exclusive or not prior to him going on a lads holiday. But I just didn't feel comfortable asking. Since he's been gone he messages me the odd time telling me how it's going but I messaged him myself two days ago and he never responded even though he saw it. I also see on facebook that he's in loads of pictures with random girls they've met on holidays. I hate to think of myself as the jealous and paranoid type but I think it's the fact that I don't know where I stand with him that's triggered this worried feeling in my stomach about it all.

I know that I should talk to him about it and find out where I stand, but I also know that this will be a painfully awkward conversation as he doesn't know how to say how he feels. Quite different to every other guy I've dated in my past. My question is, is this behaviour normal for someone very shy or is it more that he just isn't into me in a big way.... if any guys can identify with this or girls who have dated guys like this before see this I'd be glad to hear your thoughts. Am I making something out of nothing?

Lisacatlover · 06-03-2016 2:34am

Sounds like he's just not really someone that's very heart on sleeve about emotional things. I'd probably put how he responded with the situation with your mother down to that as well. I'm like him and with me I really wouldn't want someone texting me all the time asking how she was and asking how I was all the time. So sometimes I just default to not asking other people think gs like that as I feel they'd feel the same. Have to consciously remind myself (or often have someone else remind me) that some people aren't like that, if that makes sense.

As to being photographed with other girls on a lads holiday... well unless he stays in the hotel when the lads go out at night it's literally impossible not to be. They're going to pubs and clubs and there will be lots of women there, unless he hides in the corner he'll be talking to some, people will be taking photos, and so he'll be in photos with girls.

LegacyUser · 06-03-2016 12:46pm

I'm not saying your situation is anything like mine but I was dating a guy for 2 years and I was in your situation. I thought he was just shy when he fact he wasn't as he cheated on me with several people.
When we talked about his lack of emotion/delayed relations and secrecy he admitted he believed he had a mild form of undiagnosed aspergers syndrome.
My point is really you have to talk to him. You never know what's going on until you talk to him about it. I threw away 2 years of my life because I didn't want to have that awkward conversation. It could have saved me a lot of heartbreak in the end.

Ursus Horribilis · 06-03-2016 3:19pm

Maybe the question to be asking yourself is if he's the right person for you? Even if you manage to establish that he is genuinely interested and sees ye as exclusive, you still have an issue on your hands. He's not going to change his ways so you're either going to have to accept him as he is or walk. All you can do for now is play it by ear and see what your gut is telling you. You are going to have to talk to him though. If you feel you can't, what is that telling you?

Calypso Realm · 06-03-2016 8:43pm

Is he 'emotional' about other aspects of his life ie things he's passionate about? I must say I, like you, would be concerned about his apparent lack of empathy. It doesn't bode well for a loving partnership. Actually when I read your OP, like a previous poster Aspergers or BPD did cross my mind. Of course, unless he admits to something like this, it's going to be very difficult to prove. Either way as mentioned earlier it doesn't sound as if this is something you could live with. I worked with someone like this once who , upon being informed of the death of a close family member, was only concerned about the logistics of the situation as opposed to showing any sympathy for the member of staff concerned. Not good.

Augme · 07-03-2016 1:23am

People with Aspergers don't necessarily have a lack of empathy/emotion. Often just struggle to express in what is a considered a socially "normal" way.

squonk · 07-03-2016 12:03pm

In my opinion OP communication is important. If it's something you need and to be able to voalise how you feel and maturely discuss this with your OH, then you need somone who is equally open and willing to discuss things with you as well. In the end you'll be torn between playing mind games trying to figure out what he's thinking or resentful because you need to open up about things but he won't want to have the conversation. In the end it's headwrecking.

Perhaps sit down and think deeply about what you need or want. Express what you want to your OH. Try to find out where he's coming from himself. It's all about compromise really and some of us are unwilling to express emotions.

If you can't make headway after all this then it's probably not the greatest sign for yu long term. Personally I believe that the point behind this whole relationship thing is finding someone you can open up to and really talk to. You need that really I think.

Confused and a little worried, advice needed.

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