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Should I tell him about past mistakes?

  • 11-02-2016 10:21am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I started seeing someone in the last couple of months. I'm pretty sure he's "the one" already as I've felt things I've never felt before and I've had a few serious relationships in the past. The issue is, a few weeks before I split with my ex I cheated on him. I was in a bad place. I had been starved of affection for years and just needed to feel wanted. We also have a child so I felt kind if trapped at the time. As I said I did split with him shortly after. Thing is I don't know if I should tell my new bf. I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him but at the same time I don't want stupid mistakes I made in the past to ruin what we have by thinking he can't trust me. I'm ashamed of what I did and would never do it again. Help. Please.


Comments

  • #2
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You don't need to tell him. Different man, different time and different relationship. If you were a serial cheater I would say yes but you are not.

    Over sharing can ruin perfectly good relationships.


  • #3
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You don't need to tell him. Different man, different time and different relationship. If you were a serial cheater I would say yes but you are not.

    Over sharing can ruin perfectly good relationships.


  • #4
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    If you're pretty sure he's the one, then you're thinking long term? Would you like to be with someone longterm that would hear about this and understand the circumstances and tell you they understand? Would it be something that'd turn you off them long term if they reacted badly? I'd tell him. It'll bring you closer to him or it'll let you know he's not the one for you. If he's the one he's the one. If he's not he's not.


  • #5
    alocinm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭alocinm


    Thanks for your replies. It's actually really eating me up. He's taking me away for the weekend and I have it in my head that maybe I should tell him today so if he does decide to break up with me he won't have gone to alot of cost and trouble and he can cancel. I'm actually on the verge of years about this


  • #6
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    alocinm wrote: »
    Thanks for your replies. It's actually really eating me up. He's taking me away for the weekend and I have it in my head that maybe I should tell him today so if he does decide to break up with me he won't have gone to alot of cost and trouble and he can cancel. I'm actually on the verge of years about this

    OK, cool down. He's probably done things he regrets. He's probably not some perfect fictional character that has skipped and hopped through life only ever doing the right thing like some kind of super Jesus. He's just some guy, ye know. Like you're just some girl. EVERYBODY does things they wish maybe they hadn't. Don't be on the verge of tears. You didn't murder a bunch of kids. Don't let yourself blow things out of proportion in your own head.

    He's taking you away for the weekend. Not giving you his one working kidney. He wants to go away for the weekend with you because he thinks you're fun and pretty and he'd love to spend a weekend away with you. He's doing it because he gets to spend a weekend with you. Which he's over the moon about doing. Because why wouldn't he be? You're awesome and through some weird combination of luck and faith he's managed to somehow get you to agree to do that with him.

    Enjoy your weekend together. Have fun. Get to know each other that little bit better. Unless he grew up in a bubble he has things too.

    You are placing far far far too much importance on this one thing from the past. Chill.

    Have this weekend together. Enjoy it. Revisit this after.


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  • #7
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I agree with Lisacatlover; you need to calm down a bit!

    You're only seeing each other a couple of months, so chances are past relationships will naturally come up in conversation at some point. Then if you feel you need to tell him, you can get it off your chest. I wouldn't be worrying yourself sick that he's going to dump you because of it though! Especially if you show a fraction of the remorse you've shown here and explain the underlying problems in the relationship that led to it.


  • #8
    K_P
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    alocinm wrote: »
    Thanks for your replies. It's actually really eating me up. He's taking me away for the weekend and I have it in my head that maybe I should tell him today so if he does decide to break up with me he won't have gone to alot of cost and trouble and he can cancel. I'm actually on the verge of years about this

    OP, this is madness! You're not lying to him by not telling him every detail about your last messy breakup. On the one hand you say he's "the one" then on the other hand you're expecting him to break up with you over something irrelevant that you don't even have to tell him. I'm not having a go at you by asking this, but do you always find your relationships are full of drama? Because this sounds like you're looking to create drama over nothing.


  • #9
    alocinm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭alocinm


    Thanks again for the replies. Lisacatlover, you made me laugh. I imagine you're a good friend to have to turn to for advice. KP, there's rarely drama in my life but I get wound up over things I perceive to be massive. To look at me you'd think nothing was wrong which is why I come to boards for advice from lovely people like yourself. Anyways, I decided to tell him since the last message and it turns out that although he was shocked he says the past is in the past and just asked me to always talk to him about how I'm feeling. So now I still have an amazing man and he knows the thing I'm most ashamed of. Thanks again x


  • #10
    K_P
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Glad to hear it worked out OP. I know well the feeling of turning something over and over in your mind until it feels like the hugest and most insurmountable problem in the world. It's a horrible and exhausting state to be in but there are lots of ways of learning to deal with anxiety and worry like that better.

    Now, enjoy your weekend away!


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Fair play to you.

    If he found out 6 months down the line then it would be a lot more difficult. You've told him the worst thing you've ever done. Nothing kills a relationship or marriage quicker than secrecy and a lack of trust, speaking from experience.


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