House Move

theLuggage · 08-04-2021 11:00pm #1

Looking for some advice or experience on living in an isolated area.

Currently living in an estate in Dublin suburb and considering a move slightly further out. It would be about 10 minutes drive to family, shops, schools, etc. The issue I'm wondering about is the kids not being able to play out on the road any more.

What do parents do? Organise a load of playdates continually? Get used to being a taxi? How does it pan out?

We live on a green and our two eldest can go out and play with the friends on the road with freedom. I had a similar experience as a kid so know nothing else.

I'm wondering if they will be missing out if that's taken away? Also potentially moving to a new area where they would need to make friends, move schools etc.

Any thoughts, experience or advice greatly welcomed!

bee06 · 08-04-2021 11:40pm

What age are your kids?

We live in a rural area. My kids are too young for play dates etc yet (3 and 1) but it’s the same place I grew up. I have 4 younger siblings and we would have mostly played together as kids. We would have gone to friends houses occasionally but it wasn’t a regular thing. We saw our friends at school. A few of my siblings were into GAA as well. During the summer we would have done a lot of house swapping with cousins. So two of us would spend a week at cousins house and two of the younger cousins would go to our house at the same time if that makes sense.

Went we got older and were in secondary school (20 mins away) there would have been a bit more taxiing around for my parents.

We never knew any different so never felt we were missing out. My husband grew up in a similar area and neither of us could imagine living in an estate or raising children in one.

theLuggage · 08-04-2021 11:52pm

Thanks for this! They are 10, 8, 5 and 3 so really it's the elder two as they would notice a change. Yeah I'm probably overthinking it (the pandemic doesn't help!). I guess it will all work out fine and they (and me) would adjust

It's great to hear other experiences - thank you

lazygal · 09-04-2021 7:04am

We live in a housing estate and my children don't play on the road. I like to know where they are. They're 7 and 9. If they want to play with friends the friends come here.
I was never allowed wander the roads alone as a kid. I grew up close to here.
The only issue living more ruralky is being a taxi service once they're teenagers. I saw my cousins having to be driven everywhere whereas we got buses or the dart.

leinsterdude · 09-04-2021 7:27am

In a similar boat here, want to move from a large affordable estate in the town, with a large green right in front of the house, all the kids in the estate use it, and my lads 10/13 love it. The move is only 2km away, still in the town, but no green near, nicer house though......showed the kids the move and they are going mad, so mad that we may hold off for a couple of years, we just want to be careful that we dont ruin the craic for them, but want to move to a nicer estate, hard one !

theLuggage · 09-04-2021 8:01pm

lazygal wrote: »

We live in a housing estate and my children don't play on the road. I like to know where they are. They're 7 and 9. If they want to play with friends the friends come here.
I was never allowed wander the roads alone as a kid. I grew up close to here.
The only issue living more ruralky is being a taxi service once they're teenagers. I saw my cousins having to be driven everywhere whereas we got buses or the dart.

Yes we are lucky on the road here is on the green just outside the house - so we can look out and see them. As time went by trust grew and they are allowed to another green around the corner. The group of parents actually made a whatsapp group so we can keep an eye on the kids, depending whose house they are playing outside, so we have "eyes" on them all the time. It works really well. Hence my reluctance to change it.

theLuggage · 09-04-2021 8:03pm

leinsterdude wrote: »

In a similar boat here, want to move from a large affordable estate in the town, with a large green right in front of the house, all the kids in the estate use it, and my lads 10/13 love it. The move is only 2km away, still in the town, but no green near, nicer house though......showed the kids the move and they are going mad, so mad that we may hold off for a couple of years, we just want to be careful that we dont ruin the craic for them, but want to move to a nicer estate, hard one !

Yes I can imagine! It's a hard one isn't it. At least you might get a better response in a few years - we'll just be moving on with the younger two getting more established here.

Luckily our eldest is actually saying she would like to change schools - or at least not opposed to it.

The big sell for us is they'll get a bedroom each.

SmallgirlBigcity · 09-04-2021 10:26pm

I'm an adult now, obviously, but when I was 9 years old my parents moved us from an estate to a house 30 minutes away from anything and I found the change very difficult.
I went from playing with friends in the estate to having to organise visits to friends houses and it was never the same.
As a teenager I really felt it and was so jealous of people in estates who could call into their friends. I had two older brothers but honestly felt that it was very lonely living in the middle of nowhere. My parents always thought it was great because we had a huge garden but it was lonely.
As an adult now, with a son, I plan on always living close to family and community. I think it's worth living in a smaller house with maybe a smaller garden to have friends and community around you. Just my two cents on it anyway. Hope it helps.

theLuggage · 09-04-2021 11:11pm

SmallgirlBigcity wrote: »

I'm an adult now, obviously, but when I was 9 years old my parents moved us from an estate to a house 30 minutes away from anything and I found the change very difficult.
I went from playing with friends in the estate to having to organise visits to friends houses and it was never the same.
As a teenager I really felt it and was so jealous of people in estates who could call into their friends. I had two older brothers but honestly felt that it was very lonely living in the middle of nowhere. My parents always thought it was great because we had a huge garden but it was lonely.
As an adult now, with a son, I plan on always living close to family and community. I think it's worth living in a smaller house with maybe a smaller garden to have friends and community around you. Just my two cents on it anyway. Hope it helps.

Yes it does absolutely help. I wonder would it have been better if your older siblings had been sisters? What's the age gap between you and your brothers?

Can I ask how did it feel different - if you had organised a visit to a friends house, did you then play out in the estate? Or was it all in the house?

Looking back - is there anything you would change (apart from the move) that would have made it better? I suppose more asking if we did go ahead and move more isolated what would you recommend to help if our kids felt this way?

This is very helpful - it's great to hear all sides and views.

beauf · 10-04-2021 12:30am

In my opinion...

I think if you grow up with it, it's not an issue. But if you are used to it, it's a bit of a lurch. Some kids deal with it better than others but it gets worse the older you are.

I moved as a kid a few times. Didn't have a problem at the time. Looking back though it was hugely disruptive.

ted1 · 10-04-2021 9:43am

theLuggage wrote: »

The big sell for us is they'll get a bedroom each.

We are in the process of converting our attic so that the kids will have their own room. It’s costing around 35K as we have a hip roof and need to build ip the gable roof snd add a large dormer window. Also including an en-suite

Might be an option for you

SmallgirlBigcity · 11-04-2021 10:23pm

Yeah so the age gaps were 7 and 3 years. So I was close with my brother who was 3 years older. If I visited friends and they lived in an estate, we would hang with their friends. Which showed me what I was missing. And if my friends lived in the middle of nowhere, like me, we'd play in the house or garden. I'm not sure what could have made it better to be honest. I've thought about it a lot because I've considered what I want for my son. My partner had such a different upbringing than me and I think what he had is ideal.

He grew up in a small house in a working class area but was surrounded by friends and family. They have a really nice community and while they might not have a lot of money, they support each other immensely. It's really nice to see. I grew up with a lot of money but had a lonely life, living in the middle of nowhere. We had a big house and garden but it didn't mean much when you've nobody to enjoy it with.

I think if your children aren't happy with the idea of the move, it's a good idea to listen to them and consider their point of view. I can tell you've already done this which is good. Sorry I can't be of more help. It's important to do what's right for you and your family but yeah, it's worth considering all aspects I suppose.

theLuggage · 12-04-2021 9:03am

SmallgirlBigcity wrote: »

Yeah so the age gaps were 7 and 3 years. So I was close with my brother who was 3 years older. If I visited friends and they lived in an estate, we would hang with their friends. Which showed me what I was missing. And if my friends lived in the middle of nowhere, like me, we'd play in the house or garden. I'm not sure what could have made it better to be honest. I've thought about it a lot because I've considered what I want for my son. My partner had such a different upbringing than me and I think what he had is ideal.

He grew up in a small house in a working class area but was surrounded by friends and family. They have a really nice community and while they might not have a lot of money, they support each other immensely. It's really nice to see. I grew up with a lot of money but had a lonely life, living in the middle of nowhere. We had a big house and garden but it didn't mean much when you've nobody to enjoy it with.

I think if your children aren't happy with the idea of the move, it's a good idea to listen to them and consider their point of view. I can tell you've already done this which is good. Sorry I can't be of more help. It's important to do what's right for you and your family but yeah, it's worth considering all aspects I suppose.

Yes completely agree that sense of community you get in an estate is lovely - that's another thing to consider. The GAA is very good for that actually in general - if you plug into it. It's definitely a community spirit, more than a sport. But in general I get what you mean.

shesty · 12-04-2021 9:51am

Other side here....

We were a family of 4 kids when I was young and I remember a period of time where my parents were constantly looking at houses - bedrooms for everyone, a bigger garden and the rest. They eventually never made the jump (and they were only going to go about 10-15 mins down the road) and told us in later life it was because of the "the road" - we wanted to stay put with our friends there.

It has actually made me entirely determined not to be like that and to be brave enough to move if we think it will benefit the family in the long run. We are in your position with smaller kids and we are looking at moving. School will be the same, that won't change. Frankly, my kids have started being out on the road in the last 12 months, and I am not mad keen on it. There are older kids hanging around and I am not happy with the age gaps that my kids are trying to play with. I don't want them walking the roads with gangs of teens as they get bigger. It is our habit - and always has been - to visit friends with kids, or to visit their friends from school, so funnily enough my kids want a bigger garden, and a place they can have friends over. They probably get more freedom in those houses in some ways because they all go off and go mad around the gardens for a few hours. I feel "the road" thing is transient enough. As ours get towards teens, we don't have the space to accommodate teens and a few pals in our house to watch films or have friends over or whatever. In addition, we have (well, before covid) a lot of family gatherings and we don't have much space for those. Which was also a problem for my parents all their lives, and one they constantly regretted (and still do a bit). We hardly ever had sleepovers as kids either because we didn't have bedroom space, yet we could stay in all our cousin's houses because they did have space.

There are absolutely pros and cons to both, but I think if you really feel long term it would benefit your family as a whole, you should go for it. The road concept won't last forever. I do think the older kids will find it hard, but I mean, if the alternative for them is having to share a bedroom into their older teen years and beyond, that might be harder again.(having also lived with that).

theLuggage · 12-04-2021 9:59am

SmallgirlBigcity wrote: »

Yeah so the age gaps were 7 and 3 years. So I was close with my brother who was 3 years older. If I visited friends and they lived in an estate, we would hang with their friends. Which showed me what I was missing. And if my friends lived in the middle of nowhere, like me, we'd play in the house or garden. I'm not sure what could have made it better to be honest. I've thought about it a lot because I've considered what I want for my son. My partner had such a different upbringing than me and I think what he had is ideal.

He grew up in a small house in a working class area but was surrounded by friends and family. They have a really nice community and while they might not have a lot of money, they support each other immensely. It's really nice to see. I grew up with a lot of money but had a lonely life, living in the middle of nowhere. We had a big house and garden but it didn't mean much when you've nobody to enjoy it with.

I think if your children aren't happy with the idea of the move, it's a good idea to listen to them and consider their point of view. I can tell you've already done this which is good. Sorry I can't be of more help. It's important to do what's right for you and your family but yeah, it's worth considering all aspects I suppose.

shesty wrote: »

Other side here....

We were a family of 4 kids when I was young and I remember a period of time where my parents were constantly looking at houses - bedrooms for everyone, a bigger garden and the rest. They eventually never made the jump (and they were only going to go about 10-15 mins down the road) and told us in later life it was because of the "the road" - we wanted to stay put with our friends there.

It has actually made me entirely determined not to be like that and to be brave enough to move if we think it will benefit the family in the long run. We are in your position with smaller kids and we are looking at moving. School will be the same, that won't change. Frankly, my kids have started being out on the road in the last 12 months, and I am not mad keen on it. There are older kids hanging around and I am not happy with the age gaps that my kids are trying to play with. I don't want them walking the roads with gangs of teens as they get bigger. It is our habit - and always has been - to visit friends with kids, or to visit their friends from school, so funnily enough my kids want a bigger garden, and a place they can have friends over. They probably get more freedom in those houses in some ways because they all go off and go mad around the gardens for a few hours. I feel "the road" thing is transient enough. As ours get towards teens, we don't have the space to accommodate teens and a few pals in our house to watch films or have friends over or whatever. In addition, we have (well, before covid) a lot of family gatherings and we don't have much space for those. Which was also a problem for my parents all their lives, and one they constantly regretted (and still do a bit). We hardly ever had sleepovers as kids either because we didn't have bedroom space, yet we could stay in all our cousin's houses because they did have space.

There are absolutely pros and cons to both, but I think if you really feel long term it would benefit your family as a whole, you should go for it. The road concept won't last forever. I do think the older kids will find it hard, but I mean, if the alternative for them is having to share a bedroom into their older teen years and beyond, that might be harder again.(having also lived with that).

This is great - it really so good to get everyone's take on it. You are right that the road playing is transient, that is something to consider. We are lucky enough at the moment that the gang outside suits and there is no age gap really for ours. Elder one is a bit old but not old enough for the other group.

I agree on the sleepover space. We would have smallies in our bed at the moment if we were to accommodate any.

I think we will definitely go. I guess it will really depend on what's available by the time we get to bidding to a certain extent as well.

markpb · 12-04-2021 11:17am

theLuggage wrote: »

You are right that the road playing is transient

Playing on the road might be transient but wanting to see their friends is not. Depending on the area they move to, will they be able to walk, scoot or cycle to their (likely) friends houses by themselves? When they are teenagers, will they be able to do whatever teenagers do by themselves or will you be a full-time taxi for them? I grew up in a small, rural town and depended on my parents to bring me everywhere. It drove me (and probably them!) demented but there was no alternative.

lazygal · 12-04-2021 11:36am

I think parents over estimate the benefits of living somewhere relatively isolated. I'd hate to have to ferry my kids everywhere or rely on reciprocal lifts with other parents. I wouldn't underestimate how difficult it can be getting around as a teenager without most places being easily accessible to walk or cycle to.
I also think the big back garden isn't a reason to move. We had a huge garden and didn't use it at all as teens. Apart from parents having bbqs. Now my parents are getting older it's a pain to maintain.

shesty · 12-04-2021 12:38pm

I agree with the maintenance thing too, as I have seen that with family .Now to be fair where we live, we will always be driving them around regardless, so that isn't an issue for us.Our estate is out on the edge of a town and not within walking distance of schools or anything.Kids on the road here don't go to the same schools as there are a few in the area, and the school mine go to, their friends are scattered around the area, and would require lifts to see them anyway.
It is very personal, OP, for us it is driven by living space in our house.We want a bit of a bigger garden, but myself I don't want a big acre of garden for exactly the reason lazygal mentions. So it does depend on your own circumstances and what you are living in now.

theLuggage · 13-04-2021 9:42am

Yeah agree it's all relative to your own circumstance. A bigger garden is nice but we really need the extra space in the house. 4 kids with 2 bedrooms for them, and downstairs is tight, we could do with an extra room down there as well.

shesty · 13-04-2021 11:52am

Yes, this is exactly it for us. Bedrooms-wise we are ok, but downstairs it's just kitchen and living room - an extra room would be great - especially as they get bigger. It's not that we are looking for an enormous house, just one with a bit more downstairs space. Our garden is quite tiny too, so anything bigger would be a bonus, but again it doesn't have to be massive. It is relative to your personal circumstances alright, you are currently living in and what would be of overall benefit to the family in the long run in terms of living space.

Neyite · 14-04-2021 11:56am

What do parents do? Organise a load of playdates continually? Get used to being a taxi? How does it pan out?

Kind of. When they are small they make friends and play with local kids that live up the road (you might not see our 9yo for hours because he's in next door's garden playing) As older kids it's sleepovers and you'd maybe drop them in the morning to a friend and pick them up later that day. Because you'd usually have a decent outdoor space to let them play, you can have two or three over, and those parents return the favour at another stage giving you a free day back.

We got bunk beds for our son, solely for sleepovers as soon as the pandemic is over. He's got pets now, and a garden to kick a ball about, we didn't have the space before, a trampoline and a dedicated playroom I can close the door on the chaos within and pretend it doesn't exist.

His older cousins hang out with friends in each other's houses - which as teens is more reassuring to parents than them being down-town somewhere and not knowing what they are doing or who with. They literally can't sneak out, because there's nowhere within walking distance to sneak out to which is great! You'd car pool for discos, or sometimes there's buses organised. Usually though the teens do a sleepover so you'd drop yours to their friends to get ready, that parent does the taxi, and you pick the kid up the next day. With sports - you'd car pool a fair bit or the club would put a bus on for things further afield. You really need that network of other parents - within months of us moving I had an emergency where I needed son picked up from school and minded for a few hours, and I had several to rely on - similarly, if I hear that they have an emergency I'll send a text offering any assistance /minding if they need it. Here, we are lucky that many of the parents would have been schoolmates of the OH so he would already 'know' them and I've been getting to know the mammies through school fund-raising, birthdays and even just inviting them over for a coffee. Without that network, living rurally would be very isolating.

Meals - I do a weekly shop and meal plan mostly. I stick in the headphones and listen to music and podcasts and never bring anyone with me, so it's stress free. A decent freezer is essential. Having said that, we've a supermarket 15 mins drive away so you do get used to popping over for the odd thing you've missed or ran out of.

The school here is small enough. Smaller class size means the teachers really get to know each child well, their personality, their ability and are quick to spot any issues that need to be flagged to the parent - as an example, I've known the teacher to suggest a child might need an eye test, or a hearing test or a referral for a learning issue, in a way that a teacher of a larger class might initially miss.

What I love the most is being closer to nature. Identifying windflowers and insects. We've seen bats, owls, squirrels, foxes, badgers, pine martins, pheasants, crickets, dragonflies. We'll google them and find out more about them. I love seeing him in his wellies in the brook looking for frogs. Or helping us plant vegetables and flowers/trees.

The downside was the longer commute - but the pandemic has changed that for us in that one of us is full time permanently working from home and it's possible that the other will have some days WFH and some in the office per week, so that's cut down our costs both with childcare and with running a car. And freed us up a bit time-wise.

For parents date nights -well, at the moment there's none, but while they might be less frequent, we would generally stay overnight in a cheap hotel with the kid on a sleepover. That way you get a good night out and a lie in/leisurely breakfast. Going out with friends usually means one designated driver, or someone's spouse doing the taxi for us, or sometimes if there's a private bus organised to [local town] by the local bingo crowd so you can pay a few quid to get a lift with them. Usually there's a local teen who's happy to babysit or some parents do swaps on that too. So there are ways you can have a social life too.

15-04-2021 2:41pm

This is something I've thought about a lot! I moved a few times as a child but only once lived in an estate where we could play out with friends and it was only for a few months when I was in 1st year while my parents were looking for somewhere to buy. I was probably a bit old to make friends that quickly and enjoy it fully but my younger siblings had an absolute blast playing on the green opposite the house.

My folks then bought a huge house on a big piece of land outside of the city. It had a lovely garden and great trees for climbing etc but I was too old to appreciate those elements and I hated living there! My friends from school had independence walking/using public transport and I was stuck begging for lifts, cycling miles in the rain, or walking a mile to get the very infrequent long-distance bus. I felt like I was constantly pestering my mother to drive me places and I could tell she was annoyed by it. Going out as a teen was more expensive/difficult/dangerous as well because of the need to get a taxi home or walk miles in the dark so I'd often end up staying with a friend.

I swore I would never put my own children through the same. We recently moved to an older estate within walking distance of schools, town etc. Our previous house was just around the corner but we were on a very busy road. The house itself is not what we want/need so we're planning a big extension in the next few years but we absolutely love it here despite that. The roads are very quiet (the estate has only 1 entrance) and the kids have made loads of friends and they play outside for hours at a time now that the weather is getting warmer. There's a huge green opposite our house where our 6 year old can play and the older 2 (8 & 10) have the run of the estate. The parents have a What's Ap group that we use to ask where kids are/if the can be sent home for dinner etc. It works really well. There's a great community spirit in the estate more generally too.

Funnily enough I brought my kids to see the house I grew up in recently and they thought I was so lucky to have grown up there.

tl;dr location, location, location! Access to town for teens and being able to play outside safely with other kids trump a big house in my experience.

jrosen · 15-04-2021 2:55pm

If you could buy somewhere that would allow your child/children to be able to cycle to friends/local shop then I think its worth the move. Yes short term you will be doing playdates alot but as they get older and become more independent they can cycle back and forth themselves.

But I would be reluctant to move further. My kids are involved with sports so there is always an element of being mum/dad taxi. Same with the occasional meet up with a friend who lives further away. But day to day they can walk to the end of the street and get the school bus, they can walk/cycle to see any number of friends.

I guess people make it work but it does take work.

beauf · 15-04-2021 10:15pm

I don't think there is a wrong or a right answer for this. What ever you decide you make it work. One is just different to the other.

leinsterdude · 16-04-2021 6:50am

all good points above, hard to get the perfect balance

lrushe · 18-04-2021 9:01pm

We moved from a council estate to a rural village when my kids were 2 and 5.
We're not isolated but there's only a school and pub amenity wise in the village. We are 5 minutes drive from the likes of Aldi, Super Valu, secondary school, barbers, chemist etc and 15 mins drive from the main town with a good college in it.
When we were living in the estate my 5 year olds best friend lived next door and they'd call in for each other and play in each others garden. It's the one and only thing I miss about living in an estate and its how I grew up.
I think country village living is the best of both worlds for us, primary school is less than 5 minutes walk so my now 9 year old can walk to and from school and you still have that sense of community, with kids (albeit alot less than the estate) here to play with too.
The taxi thing doesn't bother me, I'd still bring them to and from wherever they were going even if we lived in a more built up place for my own peace of mind and I'll be teaching them to drive as soon as they're able.
My husband has a longer commute but we are mortgage free living here so it allows me to stay at home with the kids, these 2 factors were some of the major reasons for our move, so far so good we are all thriving here.

18-04-2021 9:31pm

I moved to rural area when I was 10 or so from a large estate in Dublin and it was a shock to say the least...
From being able to knock into friends next door and play outside everyday to nearest person my age being 20 min walk away down a country lane was tough... Nearest village was 15 min drive away....

The bus for secondry school passed my door which was lucky but trying to organise to meet up with friends outside school was a ball ache trying to get lifts... When I finished school there was very little work opportunities also
Theres bits of it I like bit for most part it never felt like home and moved back to Dublin...

theLuggage · 01-05-2021 10:30pm

Neyite- thanks for that reply - very detailed and definitely helps picture it better. And I have to say you have out my mind at ease about smaller schools as well - I never thought about that point of smaller class sizes.

I think as a lot of you said it is just personal choice. Im fairly sure we've ruled out completely rural - I would like when the kids are older if they had some access to public transport that's close enough - even though I suspect I'll be collecting from the stop anyway!

Plenty of food for thought here. I guess it will just depend what's up for sale when we are able to bid too. Ideal would be bigger house in the area we are in but at the moment that's looking like a slim chance.

House Move

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