House guests. Is this unreasonable?

ginandtonicsky · 20-05-2019 9:22pm #1

Would love some insights.

I share a flat with a girl in west London. In a few days two friends from the US will be coming to stay. They'll be here for 6 nights in total, with a trip to Ireland in between where we'll be away from the apartment for three full days.

I have a good relationship in general with my housemate, though she's a total creature of habit and in the flat about 80% of the time. She works from home, and spends most evenings on the couch in front of the TV. I on the other hand travel a lot for work and don't get home until 8 or 9pm most evenings.

She approached me this evening and said she's a bit uncomfortable with the fact that they'll be staying with me for so long, particularly as she needs to work from home during the day. She didn't do it in a mean-spirited way, and it was a reasonable discussion, but it's sort of stressed me out in general about her feeling this way. Though I'm equally of the mind that she has it pretty good in the apartment with the amount of privacy and free reign she gets given my job and lifestyle.

I gave her about three weeks' notice. The flat isn't huge, and tbh I'm sort of stressed out myself about having to host houseguests for so long, but equally I'm not sure what's reasonable and unreasonable here and I don't want to feel uncomfortable inviting people to stay in the future because of this. For background, the only other guests I've had were separately mother and sister more than a year ago.

What do people think?

Caranica · 20-05-2019 9:29pm

6 nights out of 9 sounds excessive to me, especially as it's more than one person. I know London accommodation is expensive but maybe they could visit somewhere else in the UK for a few nights?

ginandtonicsky · 20-05-2019 9:34pm

Thanks Caranica. It's good to get an outside perspective. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and can imagine I'd probably feel a bit put out.

I've planned the Ireland trip for this same reason, and to be honest unless they're wanting to travel elsewhere themselves during that time, I can't see us all heading off anywhere else. On my side, funding won't allow for it as I'm just back from an expensive trip to NY myself.

CPTM · 20-05-2019 9:40pm

I think 6 nights is pushing it if you're living with someone else who is a creature of habit and who works from home. But you did the right thing by asking her if it would be ok when there was enough time for you to look for alternatives. It's pretty late in the day now for her to suddenly realise it's happening. Tell her you've told the visitors your housemate works from home and needs space to do so. Tell her that your mates will be out all day exploring and won't be in the house, and they'll be coming home late just to sleep. This might not happen in reality of course, but I reckon it won't be as bad as she thinks it will be, and the days will fly by really so long as they're polite and quiet and tidy. These things are always worse in our heads than they really are when the time comes.

Edit: Maybe afterwards buy her something simple as a thank you gesture to smooth any bad vibes over.

Abba987 · 20-05-2019 9:55pm

I do find it unreasonable tbh. If I was her I would very uncomfortable.

donkeykong5 · 20-05-2019 10:00pm

I think it's fine. Shes there all day long while you are out. She has the run of the house. 6 sleepovers isnt going to kill her. I agree about buying her a gift from them when they leave.

sammyjo90 · 20-05-2019 10:07pm

Did you tell her three weeks before, or ask her if it was ok that they stay that long?
Will they be in a spare room?
I have always asked my housemates beforehand...especially if they were going to be sleeping in the living room.

ginandtonicsky · 20-05-2019 10:22pm

They'll be sleeping in my room and I'll be in the living room. And I pretty much told her three weeks out, as by that point my friends had already made their plans. I get that this was perhaps my first error and I should've asked her instead of told her.

She does get precious about the house, as in I think she's had a fairly good run of it in the freedom stakes and is quite territorial about the place. I'm here about 30 - 40% of the time and tend to leave her to her own devices in the sitting room even when I'm here. She likes her routine and I think is reacting more to the idea that it will be disrupted more than anything.

My guests have never been to the UK before so I'll be trying my best to make sure we're out and about exploring most of the day, and breaking it up with the Ireland visit.

I like the gift idea and think she'd appreciate that.

ANXIOUS · 20-05-2019 10:29pm

I'd be happy enough with it, I don't think it's too unreasonable. The working from home bit is throwing me though on how it should be managed.

Victor · 20-05-2019 10:36pm

Are you both renting or does one own the property?

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

She does get precious about the house, as in I think she's had a fairly good run of it in the freedom stakes and is quite territorial about the place.

It's her home.

I stayed with a college friend in New York for 6-7 days, where she lived alone. I brought a bottle of whiskey and took her out for food 4-5 times in the week and left another bottle when I left. Pulled my weight with cooking and cleaning, although I was told once that "that fake pasta sauce is going nowhere near my cooker". Admittedly, if we did an activity, we shared the expense.

You and/or your visitors should be taking her to dinner at least twice.

jmreire · 20-05-2019 10:40pm

You would never know...they might become great friends..stranger things have happened !!! Be optimistic.:D:D:D:D

EmptyTree · 20-05-2019 10:42pm

if you're stressed about it OP (and you know the people staying) then you can be sure it's 10 times that for her.

2 people for 6 nights does seem like a lot, especially if the flat isn't huge. If you've a good living relationship with your housemate I wouldn't jeopardise it for the sake of 6 nights.

Caranica · 20-05-2019 10:55pm

Do you have a separate living and sitting room? You said she spends a lot of time in the sitting room and you'll be sleeping in the living room. If they're not separate that would be an even bigger issue.

Mrs OBumble · 20-05-2019 10:56pm

House guests for up to a week (ie 7 nights) is reasonable. Anything more than 7 nights is taking the p*** though.

And it would be reasonable for her to ask that they be out of the house for "office hours" (eg 9-5 or whatever she works) each day.

the_syco · 20-05-2019 10:58pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

They'll be here for 6 nights in total
...
I gave her about three weeks' notice.

Three weeks notice is a bit BS, as I'd say those flights were booked a long time ago.

Her being WFH is irrelevant if you both pay the same amount of rent.

If she owns the place, though, she could turn around and tell you to GTFO.

donkeykong5 · 20-05-2019 11:06pm

Do you both pay rent to a landlord ?

Abba987 · 20-05-2019 11:12pm

Who owns the house ?

I still think it's a big disruption especially if it's not a big space

Lau2976 · 20-05-2019 11:14pm

I'd be pretty annoyed at 6 days too OP, especially since you say that you told her and didn't ask and only said it 3 weeks out. Regardless of you thinking she has it pretty good you both signed up to share with one person.

brookers · 20-05-2019 11:18pm

Having lived in London and shared with people. I know I would find this situation hard going. Not being mean but I used to find the guests from say America or Australia would be over friendly. All you would want to do would be to watch tv make your dinner, not be answering to How was your day and having to be nice and say oh where do you come from in America, small talk etc. Funnily enough I also used to find, that they would hang around. Why cant they just get accommodation, if you cant afford a holiday dont travel..6 days a lot in a small place when you dont know them.

Spanish Eyes · 20-05-2019 11:26pm

Whose guests are these people, yours or your housemate’s. Who decided this was ok. Did you discuss it?

No way would I give up my bed for anyone. Sorry.

ginandtonicsky · 20-05-2019 11:29pm

Victor wrote: »

Are you both renting or does one own the property?

We both are renting the place.

Caranica wrote: »

Do you have a separate living and sitting room? You said she spends a lot of time in the sitting room and you'll be sleeping in the living room. If they're not separate that would be an even bigger issue.

No it's just one sitting room. I've told her I'll keep her privy to my plans day by day so she's aware of our movements. She's always been similarly reasonable and this is the longest length of time that any house guest has stayed, so in a sense I can see where she's coming from.

On the other hand, I've been gone two out of the last four weeks and will be away the week after they leave too, so part of me is like, 6 days isn't going to kill anyone here. I'd love to live with a flatmate that's as absent from the flat as I am!!

Gimme A Pound · 20-05-2019 11:48pm

I think it's fair enough to have guests staying, even for six days/nights. You're paying rent too, and people need to have guests now and again. Not frequently, mind - but you don't have guests frequently, and you are away from the flat a huge amount.

If it was a boyfriend or girlfriend, there would be an acceptance of them staying over a number of nights a week, every week. Six nights is no big deal in the wider scheme of things. And I will admit that I would be looking forward to it ending if I were the flatmate, but I'd accept it as just one of those things when renting.

Gimme A Pound · 20-05-2019 11:50pm

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Whose guests are these people, yours or your housemate’s. Who decided this was ok. Did you discuss it?

No way would I give up my bed for anyone. Sorry.

All of those questions are answered in the OP. And the flatmate won't be giving up her bed at all.

Victor · 21-05-2019 12:00am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I'd love to live with a flatmate that's as absent from the flat as I am!!

Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 12:00am

Lau2976 wrote: »

I'd be pretty annoyed at 6 days too OP, especially since you say that you told her and didn't ask and only said it 3 weeks out. Regardless of you thinking she has it pretty good you both signed up to share with one person.

I literally only knew 3 weeks out, but yes, agreed that the approach could've been different. Especially given the mutual respect between us generally on these matters. My travel schedule has been chaos the last while and I've not been as organised or communicative as usual in general.

Yes, we did sign up to share with one person, but there are certain things that are just the reality of flat shares IME, so while I would totally be looking forward to the upcoming situation being over too if I was her, I feel a bit like, the reaction is as a result of her having a pretty sweet deal in the flat in the first place. She's got the place to herself much of the time.

At the same time we live together pretty harmoniously and drama-free most of the time and I want to salvage that as much as possible.

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 12:05am

Victor wrote: »

Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?

Maybe true. She does though, she loves having the place to herself. We have a cleaner once a week so chores are typically a moot point.

Gimme A Pound · 21-05-2019 12:06am

Victor wrote: »

Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?

It's not like a flat requires chores that need to be completed by two people at all times. Once the OP does her own washing up and cleans the shower, toilet and sweeps/mops the communal floors and dusts a fair amount of time while she's there, what of it.

It's totally fair that the person who is there the most would do the most cleaning too, as they are the one who is making use of the property the most.

I shared a flat once with a girl who was away a lot and I loved it.

worded · 21-05-2019 12:12am

You are rarely there so having friends stay a few days once a year is ok IMHO

the_syco · 21-05-2019 12:18am

Perhaps find out what times she "works from home" on the weekdays, and try not to be there during that time? IMO that's probably the thing that she's most concerned about, especially if she is on the phone a lot.

Lumen · 21-05-2019 6:25am

Are your guests male or female?

blinding · 21-05-2019 6:36am

Can she be bribed ?

Peregrinus · 21-05-2019 6:42am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

They'll be sleeping in my room and I'll be in the living room. And I pretty much told her three weeks out, as by that point my friends had already made their plans. I get that this was perhaps my first error and I should've asked her instead of told her . . .

Well, hindsight is a great teacher. But, yeah, you should have asked her. And, more, you should have asked her before you made any commitments to your friends, or allowed them to make any plans that depended on staying with you. As others have pointed out, this is her home as well as yours, and she may not be comfortable about sharing it for so long with two people who are, to her, complete strangers. I don't think this is "balanced" by her having the place to herself much of the time.

By the sound of it, she's approaching this reasonably, and she accepts that you've made commitments to your friends that can't be unwound at this point. Do what you can to make your friends' stay as unobtrusive as possible. And, yes, a gift. And, I suggest, apologise to her, accept that you ought not to have invited friends to stay in your shared home for such a long period without having discussed it with her in advance, and make it clear that you won't make that mistake again.

Steer55 · 21-05-2019 6:56am

Book an Airbnb for them, depending on what part of London you are in, you can get some pretty good deals.that won't break the bank. Prob best thing to do to keep the peace all round.

1hnr79jr65 · 21-05-2019 7:02am

On one side i can agree that this is a huge upset for your housemate, on other hand the door swings both ways and if housemate wants a partner or friend over same non allowance could be enforced.

I agree with others that plan around housemates working times and invite them for a few meals or get a gift for inconvenience.

What will you do if housemate decides to complain to landlord and ban friends staying though ?

Caranica · 21-05-2019 7:54am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

No it's just one sitting room. I've told her I'll keep her privy to my plans day by day so she's aware of our movements.

So for 6 nights the sitting room will be your bedroom, the room you say she spends most nights in? I presume that even for the 3 nights you're away you will be leaving bedding etc in there? I really think they should make new plans for the second three nights.

Victor · 21-05-2019 7:57am

the_syco wrote: »

Perhaps find out what times she "works from home" on the weekdays, and try not to be there during that time? IMO that's probably the thing that she's most concerned about, especially if she is on the phone a lot.

Oh, and it should go without saying, if the OP isn't on the property, the guests shouldn't either.

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 8:35am

Caranica wrote: »

So for 6 nights the sitting room will be your bedroom, the room you say she spends most nights in? I presume that even for the 3 nights you're away you will be leaving bedding etc in there? I really think they should make new plans for the second three nights.

Yes. I’m honestly not sure how bad I’m feeling about this tbh, as it’s a room I spend little to zero time in on a daily basis as she’s permanently planted there and it’s not like it’ll be “off limits”, I’ll be simply sleeping there from 11pm onwards. Maybe having a meal or two in there.

I’ve thought about it overnight and I will send her a text to try to keep things reasonable between us. She’s a nice girl. I’ll apologise for not asking her first and tell her we’ll try to stay out of her way during the day. But I won’t be making alternative arrangements or making my guests feel bad, I pay a lot of rent and she’s got a good deal with me and my work hours generally.

Gimme A Pound · 21-05-2019 8:41am

Some folk here come across as REALLY uptight.

It's a temporary arrangement.

1hnr79jr65 · 21-05-2019 8:47am

Enzo Shrilling Stimulus wrote: »

Some folk here come across as REALLY uptight.

It's a temporary arrangement.

I don't get this response, it is generally accepted that those who own or rent a home are entitled to unmolested enjoyment of where they live.

Both the op and housemate are equally entitled to this, however when one party invites more people into the home, even on a temporary basis it can upset the other which is why some of the responses may appear harsh, but the housemate is entitled to air their issues with the arrangement op has made temporary or not.

Lumen · 21-05-2019 9:22am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

she’s got a good deal with me and my work hours generally.

The opposite of you not being around is you being around, not you camping overnight in the living room with two strangers in your bedroom.

Also, I don't think you've answered the question about the gender of the guests. Are you leaving her alone with two men she doesn't know?

Don't feel bad, your feelings are irrelevant so it's pointless.

spurious · 21-05-2019 9:49am

Six days is a long time for guests, believe me. I feel sorry for the OP and the flatmate, both of whom have had this landed on them. Any chance you could get them to bazz off to the Lake District or somewhere for three days in the middle?

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 9:51am

Lumen wrote: »

The opposite of you not being around is you being around, not you camping overnight in the living room with two strangers in your bedroom.

Also, I don't think you've answered the question about the gender of the guests. Are you leaving her alone with two men she doesn't know?

Don't feel bad, your feelings are irrelevant so it's pointless.

No, it's two female friends.

I never said me "camping" in the living room was the opposite of me never being there, I was bringing it up as perspective on something that I feel may be influencing my flatmate's feelings i.e she's used to having the run of the place.

SozBbz · 21-05-2019 9:54am

I don't think this is a major issue.

This is part and parcel of being in a house share, you don't get everything your own way 100% of the time.

If this was happening regularly, I can understand that she may be annoyed, but these are your first guests in over a year, so its hardly a regular occurrence.

The only thing about this that I wouldnt like is you camping in the living room which is a communal space. Is there anyway of everyone cramming into your room? If that were the case, then I dont think she'd be that impacted. This is the only bit that I think is pushing it slightly, but in principal having guests for 6 nights out of the year is not unreasonable IMO.

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 9:58am

SozBbz wrote: »

I don't think this is a major issue.

This is part and parcel of being in a house share, you don't get everything your own way 100% of the time.

If this was happening regularly, I can understand that she may be annoyed, but these are your first guests in over a year, so its hardly a regular occurrence.

The only thing about this that I wouldnt like is you camping in the living room which is a communal space. Is there anyway of everyone cramming into your room? If that were the case, then I dont think she'd be that impacted. This is the only bit that I think is pushing it slightly, but in principal having guests for 6 nights out of the year is not unreasonable IMO.

Unfortunately not as it's a tiny room, three people in there would be a stretch tbh. Appreciate your insights.

Wheety · 21-05-2019 10:00am

Have a chat with her and tell her you'll be gone for the week after they leave. Tell her you know it's disrupting her but in general she has a good run of the place. I presume they'll be out of the house most of the time doing touristy things, so mention this too.

Also explain to your guests that this woman lives here and pays just as much rent as you (I'm guessing) so it's her home too, and she works from home. If your guests respect this, I think it'll be ok.

Wheety · 21-05-2019 10:03am

spurious wrote: »

Six days is a long time for guests, believe me. I feel sorry for the OP and the flatmate, both of whom have had this landed on them. Any chance you could get them to bazz off to the Lake District or somewhere for three days in the middle?

They're (including the OP) heading to Ireland for 3 days in the middle.

spurious · 21-05-2019 10:08am

Wheety wrote:

They're (including the OP) heading to Ireland for 3 days in the middle.

Oh I missed that. That's really not so bad then. It's really just a one and two day stay.

irelandrover · 21-05-2019 10:13am

What does your housemate actually want? From the OP it seems like she is just raising the point so that it doesn't happen again.

TheChizler · 21-05-2019 10:13am

spurious wrote: »

Oh I missed that. That's really not so bad then. It's really just a one and two day stay.

I think it's three, three, and three. Not a bad compromise though.

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 10:20am

To clarify, they'll be staying 6 nights altogether (3 there, 3 away, 3 again after Ireland)

red petal · 21-05-2019 10:35am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

To clarify, they'll be staying 6 nights altogether (3 there, 3 away, 3 again after Ireland)

I wouldn't enjoy having 2 people I don't know staying in my home for 6 nights, especially if I worked from home. If I were you, I would offer to pay an extra weeks rent to your housemate. She may not accept it, but I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture.

House guests. Is this unreasonable?

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