Mother Passed On Criticism From Rsndomer With No Context

LegacyUser · 07-08-2020 10:40pm #1

Bit of a weird one, but I'm not sure where else to ask for advice on this.

Our mother sat my sister (31) and me (35) down tonight to say that someone who knows her, and knows us, apparently saw us arguing in public, and said to her that it was inappropriate or unpleasant to see.

My sister and I are absolutely baffled. We have no idea what this is about, or where / when / why this would have happened. Our mother won't tell us who said whatever was actually said, or even when this was supposed to have been observed.

I'm living at home at present for a variety of reasons. I was due to make a significant career change that would be impossible without continuing to live at home. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. Both my sister and I are baffled about the whole thing, and find our mother's loyalty to some random person whose opinion she seems to value over telling us what she was actually told so we can work out whatever is going on to be deeply hurtful. Further, our mother said the feedback she was given wouldn't be helpful if I'm pursuing my career change as if someone was aware of me "fighting" with my sister in public who would want to hire me.

Look, it's hugely a 1st world problem, but I'm genuinely not sure I can live at home during this transition if there are rumours being spread about me (us) without us even knowing what the source is. Especially as we live in a small area, and there are a few busy body neighbours who have spread vicious and completely bonkers rumours about other women in our age category living locally over the past decade or so. We always thought we had it easy to have escaped that nonsense and now we don't know if it's just our turn, or if our mother is spreading unfounded gossip about us rather than telling whoever it was to take a hike.

Hannibal_Smith · 08-08-2020 7:57am

It wasn't you arguing in the street. No job is going to call you in and say.. I believe you were arguing with your sister on the street, we're not happy to keep you on/hire you.

Sounds like the local gossip heard you're doing well and is trying to bring you down a peg by spreading nonsense. Your mother sitting you down to talk about it is really odd.

Let the gossips say what they will, if your mother won't tell you who said it you can't correct them. Carry on living your own life and don't take that nonsense on board.

Good luck with the career change.

lainey_d_123 · 09-08-2020 10:40am

I cringed reading this...so glad to be away from this small minded, petty, stupid nonsense. My mother always cared far more about 'what people thought' than the actual reality....totally skewed priorities. My brother had serious mental health issues and her first thought was always what other people thought rather than how she could help him. Her entire life has been dictated by other people's opinions - people who don't matter one tiny bit. She rang me yesterday and asked me to order her some patterned face masks because the blue surgical ones look 'too obvious', as if anyone gives a flying fck what some random 60-something woman looks like in the middle of a pandemic. It's almost delusional that she thinks she's so important that total strangers give more than a passing thought to what she looks like.

It seems to be a coping mechanism for some women of that generation to focus on unimportant, petty crap rather than actually dealing with real problems. Either that or they don't actually have real problems, so they invent drama instead of just being happy with their lives. It sounds like your mother has you well indoctrinated in this way of thinking if you are actually worried about any of this. Sounds like it might be some perverse method of control by her - is it possible she even made it up?

I'd ignore her and carry on with your life and career change and let these sad wagons gossip amongst themselves if they want to.

antix80 · 09-08-2020 10:52am

Your mother might be at an age where she's going a bit peculiar.

The best you and your sister could do is to confront your mother. Tell her she is contributing to gossip by entertaining a jealous person telling petty lies and she should show some loyalty and respect to her own family by not taking part is gossip.

freshpopcorn · 09-08-2020 3:00pm

These things happen OP and I'd basically she can either believe a gossiping friend or her daughters.
The friend might have encountered ye talking with raised voices or something very dramatic and made a big ordeal out of it.

09-08-2020 3:08pm

why not just note that the conversation happened and yknow just ignore it hereafter.

lot to be said for not letting other people's waves rock you

Fleetwoodmac · 09-08-2020 3:28pm

Is this out of character for your mother? Or have there been other times where she has reported back gossip? Being devil's advocate here, I'd wonder is your mum happy with you moving back home and trying to stir trouble herself. The fact she won't tell you who she heard it from, considering you can't recall any incident, is a bit suspect. It's unfair that you and your sister have really no right to reply and she has automatically believed them as opposed to her daughter's. Next time she tells you gossip about you or your sister, I'd cut it dead and not entertain it. Either way, it doesn't seem your mum is looking out for ye or defending her children. Sadly, as painful as it can be to consider, our parents are not always looking out for their children, and are more worried about the neighbours opinions than their children's, albeit adult children's well being.
Don't be knocked down by it, keep your eye on the prize and focus on the new career.

09-08-2020 3:37pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

..skewed priorities. My brother had serious mental health issues and her first thought was always what other people thought rather than how she could help him..

I'd kind of think that dealing with this from a parent is what led to your brother's mental health difficulties..A lecturer said this to me a few years ago, that if someone is presenting for counseling it's pretty much all down to the parents.. I didn't believe him at the time..I do now..

Oink · 09-08-2020 3:39pm

Your mum and your friend are clearly in a little world of their own. Small minds in a small world, worried about small little things.

Since you have to live with her, I suggest that your sister and yourself accept her limitations with love and patience. As to who saw what, heard what and all that, you’re better off just nodding and then forget about it.

washiskin · 09-08-2020 3:57pm

Not sure if this will help, but my mother used to pull that "I was talking to someone and they said they saw you doing/saying/with xyz and they were shocked" crap when she was trying to bully us.... if we asked who said it (and it was usually not true) we'd be told never mind/you don't know them or, most gallingly, it's none of your business. It used to drive me mad and always happened when she thought we were getting too independent of her. Has you mother been passive agressive with you through the years?

09-08-2020 4:22pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'd kind of think that dealing with this from a parent is what led to your brother's mental health difficulties..A lecturer said this to me a few years ago, that if someone is presenting for counseling it's pretty much all down to the parents.. I didn't believe him at the time..I do now..

dont want to derail, but handwaving away how hard it is to be the parent of someone with mh issues doesn't do anyone much credit tbh

Neyite · 09-08-2020 6:01pm

My mother went through a phase of being told by someone about our behaviour when we were out at teenage discos. I remember her claiming that she was telephoned to say I was seen drinking that very night, and the funny thing was that I was stone cold sober, and hadn't touched a drop in weeks. I think it was a tactic out of some 80's parenting book or something. After that it lost it's power to scare me because I knew it was pure BS.

All you can do really is just say "mum, we were not arguing, but if you want to believe your friend over your own children then we can't change that. And work on getting out of that toxic village as soon as you can.

HildaOgdenx · 11-08-2020 11:10am

'I was due to make a significant career change that would be impossible without continuing to live at home. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. Both my sister and I are baffled about the whole thing, and find our mother's loyalty to some random person whose opinion she seems to value over telling us what she was actually told so we can work out whatever is going on to be deeply hurtful. Further, our mother said the feedback she was given wouldn't be helpful if I'm pursuing my career change as if someone was aware of me "fighting" with my sister in public who would want to hire me.'

Ignore, ignore, ignore, smile and wave.
As others have alluded to, if this is unusual behaviour on your mothers part, that may be something to keep an eye on.

Don't let it put you off carrying out your plans. I think what has gone on over the past five / six months has affected people in various different ways. In normal times, all of you would be out and about more, and there would be less time all around for overthinking the small stuff. That's not aimed at you, btw, that's in general.

It's quite possible that this didn't even happen, especially as your mother won't tell you who supposedly said it. And if it did happen, this person has little to worry them, in my opinion.

I had a situation one time where someone claimed a co-worker had said x and y about me. I said I will arrange to meet with them and sort this out. Suddenly there was a big row back, and the same person was having to take back what they had claimed was said.
Sh1t stirring is what this phenomenon is known as, in my book.

So, whatever you decide to do, don't let some unsubstantiated comments put you off. If anything it would make me even more determined to carry out my plans. Think it through logically, so you want to retrain for a different role. You do your course, your exams, and go for interviews. The interviewer is not going to say 'oh I believe Molly your neighbour once saw you argue with your sister...'

This too shall pass, OP. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Xterminator · 11-08-2020 11:52am

Hi Op

knowing the source of the rumor would not be help at all in this case. there being a gossip in your town is not the issue here.

your mum believing it, over your word is the problem.

if you can't repair the trust i think you should move out. tell mum that is the plan, if trust is not established. Be open about it.

If this changes your plans so be it. Do night classes, or a prt time degree if retraining or going back to college was your plan. Moving out is likely to delay your plans, or make you rethink.

But having peace of mind is far more important than a timescale of future plans, which recent events have shown us are subject to change anyway.

Mother Passed On Criticism From Rsndomer With No Context

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