And never have sex with a moderator

Boards Etiquette: Dealing with Moderators

Several of you have come to me for advice on the delicate issue of fraternisation with people from the moderator class and the rules of etiquette concerning such. Here once and for all is what I consider to be a definitive list of the do's and don’ts concerning relations with people from the moderator class.

First of all let me deal with those of you who consider moderators to be a sad lot worthy only of your pity. It is true that moderators do not enjoy the advantages of breeding and the social skills of the polite classes but we should not overlook the important service they provide us. Like many others of the serving classes moderators have their own social customs, their own forums, their own traditions their own language and their own form of humour. Moderators as rule are content with their subservient role in society and have no need of your pity.

Having dealt with that issue it is now time for the rules starting with the first and most important rule:

1. Do not fraternise with the lower (moderator) class.

While we should recognise the moderator class provides a valuable service fraternisation with them is to be discouraged. I realise that the modern tendency has been to ignore class boundaries but I can assure you from long experience of these matters that over familiarity with members of the lower classes will lead to relationships of the most inappropriate kind and ultimately to disaster. The only permissible contact with a moderator is on matters relating to the technical services that they provide. Questions relating to the use of the boards are entirely permissible and indeed it provides no small pleasure to a member of the moderator class to be able to provide such a service to one of their betters. All other communications fall outside the bounds of acceptable behaviour. Members of polite society (everyone other than moderators) should never respond to a thread started by a moderator, should never acknowledge any contribution to a thread from a member of the moderator class and above all should not under any circumstances indulge in private messaging with any member of the moderator class.

2. What to do if a moderator responds to a thread started by an ordinary member.

Most members of the moderator class are well aware of their standing in society and would not be so rude as to attempt to join in the polite conversation of their betters but regrettably every so often a moderator does overstep the bounds of propriety and attempt to respond to a thread. In such a case the correct behaviour is to ignore the offending post entirely and to carry on your discourse with no reference whatsoever to it. Through being ignored the miscreant will soon learn their place in society and retire to the rather less enlightened discussions (I am using the term in its loosest sense) of their moderator peers. Remember not to acknowledge a moderator's post in any way. It is never appropriate to poke fun at the unfortunate's social blunder or to lampoon their clumsiness of language. They have not had the social advantages that you enjoy and should not therefore be treated harshly. Simply ignoring their presence is more appropriate and more humane.

3. What to do if a member of polite society (non moderator) responds to a post from a moderator.

Unfortunately this does happen all too often in these permissive days. Sometimes it is an oversight but I regret to say it is sometimes deliberately done to provoke scandal. The correct response is to private message the offending gentleman or lady pointing out their error and perhaps including a link to this list of rules. This will usually suffice to set them back on the straight and narrow path. Do not amplify the error by referring to it in a public post and of course you should ignore such a post in exactly the same manner as you would ignore the original post from a moderator.

Should a member of polite society repeatedly flaunt the rules of good behaviour and continue to indulge in conversation with members of the moderator class then they should be blacklisted and shunned from all polite discourse. Moderators do not have the breeding and social advantages that we enjoy so there is nothing shameful about their lowly status. On the other hand if a non moderator should stoop to that level it is entirely shameful and worthy of our utmost contempt.

4. What of the use of moderator words and phrases?

Moderators have a pleasant enough time among themselves with their own customs, their own forms of amusement and even their own language. We may chuckle at their quaint behaviour and clumsy phraseology but we should never allow moderator slang to pollute our own discourse. Phrases such as 'Muppet' have no place in polite conversation.

5. Is there any truth in the rumour that some moderators are using aliases to impersonate members of polite society?

This rumour is no more than scaremongering of the worst sort and should not for one minute be entertained. For the most part moderators understand their place in society and are content with their lot. In the unlikely event that a member of the moderator class did use a non moderator alias in order to participate in a thread started by their betters the ruse would very quickly become obvious. The unfortunate's lack of breeding, lack of manners and underdeveloped intellect would very quickly expose them. Therefore there are no grounds for concern whatsoever.

6. What of Ladies and Gentlemen whose names are very similar to the name of a moderator?

It may be noted that some members of polite society have names that appear to be related to the names of moderators with perhaps the addition or subtraction of a few letters or numbers. An example might be 'wellknownmoderatorname2' or 'newwellknownmoderatorname'. It would be wrong to assume that this implies any strong link between this individual and the corresponding member of the moderator class. The truth of the matter is that at some stage in the distant past an ancestor of the lady or gentleman was likely involved in an illicit relationship with a moderator and the resulting moderator offspring bears a simplified version of the gentleman or ladies name. The gentleman or lady of today cannot be held accountable for the indiscretion of their forebears and it is safe to include these people in all the affairs of polite society.

And of course you must NEVER have sex with a moderator.