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Jokes thread

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  • 18-07-2002 3:25pm
    #1
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭


    thread for people to leave jokes


«13

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    #2
    ashes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭ashes


    haha u really are tryin to be forum god again! ur a joke! :rolleyes:


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    #3
    Ste-
    Registered Users Posts: 4,751 ✭✭✭Ste-


    derek is a god anyway so there :p


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    #4
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    ashes ya sap i made the threads coz theres no separate sections like the energy one

    ya tallaght knacker

    A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new
    sweetheart
    >
    > Cara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to
    surprise
    >
    > her. After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would
    > strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied

    > by his sister he went to Selfridges and bought a dainty pair of white
    > gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same
    > time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and
    > the
    > sister got the gloves and Cara got the panties. Without checking the
    > contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his
    > sweetheart with the following note:
    >
    > Dear Cara,
    >
    > I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
    > any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I
    > would
    > have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that

    > are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
    > them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three

    > weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me
    > and
    > she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She
    > also told me
    > that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not

    > needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.
    > I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no
    doubt
    >
    > many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

    > When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
    away
    >
    > as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many

    > times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will

    > wear them for me on
    > Friday night.
    >
    > All my love
    > Fergus
    >
    >
    > P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
    > showing.


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    #5
    Makaveli
    Registered Users Posts: 8,503 ✭✭✭Makaveli


    Here's an idea.
    Why dont you use this one.


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    #6
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    i am fairly sure i am answering this for everyone...




    we couldnt be arsed


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    #7
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    coz we like doing it in energy land


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    #8
    DeeJ
    Closed Accounts Posts: 182 ✭✭DeeJ


    that glove thing is funny.

    hurrah for jokes


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    #9
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    glovesy rules


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    #10
    Harmo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 310 ✭✭Harmo


    Originally posted by Derek_S
    thread for people to leave jokes


    If your making a joke thread, make it sticky do the same with tune ids and other topics that u intened people u use as a service.:)


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    #11
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn-weightlifting commentator)

    "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator)

    "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -horse racing commentator)

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

    "The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense." Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

    "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

    "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)

    "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

    "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

    "I would not say that David Ginolais is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."Ron Atkinson)

    "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxfordcrew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

    "Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m." (David Coleman)

    "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)

    "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."(David Acfield)

    "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

    "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

    "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
    ..... Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

    True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!


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    #12
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:
    10. I need to whip it out by 5.
    9. Mind if I use your laptop?
    8. Just stick it in my box.
    7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
    6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
    5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
    4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
    3. It's an entry level position.
    2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
    1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

    TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
    10. Have you looked through her briefs?
    9. He is one hard judge .
    8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
    7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
    6. Is it a penal offense?
    5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
    4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
    3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
    2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
    1. Think you can get me off?

    TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
    10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
    9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
    8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
    7. Look at the size of his putter.
    6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
    5. Mind if I join your threesome?
    4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
    3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
    2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
    1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.


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    #13
    DeeJ
    Closed Accounts Posts: 182 ✭✭DeeJ


    A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
    mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

    The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
    the town that your bride is pure."

    The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
    "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
    household appliances come in white."

    ______________________________________________

    An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

    ______________________________________________

    Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

    The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

    So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

    So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

    ______________________________________________

    Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store,
    a boy spotted a display of condoms.
    "Hey Dad, what's a three-pack for?" asked the boy. "Those are for the weekend.
    Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday," replied the father.

    "Then Dad, what's a six-pack for?" asked the son.
    "That's when she moves in with you.
    Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

    "Then Dad, what's a twelve-pack for?"
    "That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for ... "

    ________________________________________________

    What do women and condoms have in common?
    They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.


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    #14
    Hogan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 103 ✭✭Hogan


    Originally posted by Derek_S
    "Your mother must have been a carrier."

    Oh dear

    lamest of the lame derek, shockin outta you


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    #15
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    i know but it's one more post for me


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    #16
    Lisa Lavish
    Closed Accounts Posts: 221 ✭✭Lisa Lavish


    Originally posted by DeeJ



    Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

    The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

    So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

    So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

    .


    brilliant!!!:D


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    #17
    Ste-
    Registered Users Posts: 4,751 ✭✭✭Ste-


    lisa lavish

    the biggest joke ever


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    #18
    Lisa Lavish
    Closed Accounts Posts: 221 ✭✭Lisa Lavish


    djste18

    u just have 2 laf!!!!


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    #19
    Ste-
    Registered Users Posts: 4,751 ✭✭✭Ste-


    lisa


    no


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    #20
    Lisa Lavish
    Closed Accounts Posts: 221 ✭✭Lisa Lavish


    djste18


    barf!!!!


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    #21
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

    Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

    "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"


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    #22
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labor
    I work at great depths
    I plunge head first into everything I do
    I do not get weekends off or public holidays
    I work in a damp environment
    I don't get paid overtime
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
    I work in high temperatures
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases


    Dear Penis,

    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight
    You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team
    You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
    You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
    You'll retire well before reaching 65
    You're unable to work double shifts
    You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    The Management


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    #23
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!"

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" >

    "You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she does.

    The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand."

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I held his private parts right in my hand!"

    "Why you slut! You whore!" roars the good Father. "Say a thousand Hail Mary's and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did.

    At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?"

    "Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?" asks the third nun.

    To which the fourth nun replies, "Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!"


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    #24
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.

    Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

    Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

    Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"


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    #25
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

    He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

    Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

    "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

    "That is right," said the doctor.

    He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

    "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

    Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

    He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."


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    #26
    Hogan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 103 ✭✭Hogan


    took this from one of the other boards here... true story i swear i believe that... its funny anyhow


    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
    only trying to retrieve the gerbil" Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
    doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

    "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot,
    our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual "Kiki shouted out
    Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
    Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next:
    "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
    of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely
    burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent outlike a cannonball."

    "Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."


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    #27
    ashes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭ashes


    haha hogan thats class!


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    #28
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    i don't remember anyone asking YOU


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    #29
    ashes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭ashes


    muppet!


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    #30
    Derek_S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 728 ✭✭✭Derek_S


    it's "ya muppa"


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    #31
    ashes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭ashes


    sorry sir


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