My Partner has MS, Multiple Sclerosis

Lonelypartner · 22-11-2020 2:32am #1

Hi All, im sorry if these post seems a bit of a whinge but I need advice/encouragement. I have been with my partner for 3 years, it has been a very troubled relationship as he had a lot of demons to work through. He has come a long long way and has put in alot of work to get himself to a happier place for himself. However along the road I have lost myself in helping him so much. He has Crohns disease that he does not manage very well so this impacts on our lives because he wont help himself and his health.

This year whilst I was pregnant he got very sick from a Crohns flare. This really took from my pregnancy along with sucky Covid. Then our son was born and although he tries, he is not much help with him.

We have been staying in seperate rooms as he doesnt believe in physical contact, no sex since son was concieved last year.

Now he has been diagnosed with MS and some obvious mobility and cognitive concerns. I am at a loss, our relationship and life was already so lacking now this stress and pressure is also put on us. I feel like I cannot leave him, he has two life long illnesses, the father of my child and he does try. Im so lonely, lacking in affection, help and an equal partnership.

Caranica · 22-11-2020 12:44pm

In truth it sounds like you're a partner to him but he's not to you. Read your post back as if your best friend wrote it and think about the advice you'd give them.

Life is for living, it sounds like you're not doing that, you're just alive. You need to look after yourself and your son, it sounds like a really bad atmosphere to raise a child in, they need affection and it won't be long before they can see that you're not getting any.

If you left, would you have somewhere to go, money to live on? Is there a chance that he would move out if you told him it was over? Have you friends and family for emotional support?

Smee_Again · 22-11-2020 12:47pm

If he doesn’t look after himself then he’s not going to look after you and/or any children you have together.

LegacyUser · 22-11-2020 2:47pm

This will sound terrible but you staying with him is not going to make the situation any better. He has obviously checked out physically in the relationship and emotionally. It doesn't mean you are abandoning him due to his illness, but you need to ask yourself is this a proper environment for you and your child.

He will always be your child's dad and you need to maintain that bond between them. Im all for trying everything to make a relationship work. But if you have truly exhausted everything to try and fix things,, maybe its time for another honest and open conversation with him. You seem so tired and sad. Yes, it will be hard ending things and yes his illness might be used as a weapon against you , but can things really get any worse than they are now? Wishing you all the best.

Ellie2008 · 22-11-2020 3:08pm

It sounds like he is your partner in name only.

I have a lot of sympathy for him, two serious chronic illnesses is a lot.
However, you need to look after yourself & your son. You can still support your partner as a friend & co-parent but you need a life for yourself where you aren’t playing carer for a man who doesn’t make an effort to take care of himself & doesn’t treat you as his partner by the sounds of things.

Sonic the Shaghog · 22-11-2020 4:48pm

I actually agree with the previous. If his illnesses weren't there he sleeps in a separate room and doesn't believe in physical contact as you say so I mean it's dead in the water.

cannotlogin · 22-11-2020 5:48pm

If your relationship was good before his illnesses (which is doesn't appear to have been), then it could be possible linked with shock, depression, fear, thinking you have too much to put up with etc. and could possible be worked through with counselling etc but that doesn't seem to be the case.

No one should ever stay in a relationship out of pity, guilt, fear of being judged etc. You have to look after you and it sounds like you are better off out of it.You are getting nothing in return.

LegacyUser · 22-11-2020 5:53pm

That's an incredibly tough situation to be in but you need to think of yourself and the welfare of your child.

Do you want to feeling like this in 10,20 years, do you want your child to be affected by all of this behavior?

Staying with him because he has illnesses or because you don't want to be single or fear of what other people think isn't healthy, you will come to resent him in your life.

What benefit is he in your life, and loving him isn't enough if there is no foundation.

Use your support network, don't shut them out or isolate yourself - even if you have one friend or family member use them. Sometimes forcing yourself to just do something is half the battle.

No one else can decide only you, but is this really worth it all?

Supercell · 22-11-2020 6:05pm

Forget about the illness, sorry to be blunt but if he isn't even sharing the bedroom with you then he's a friend at best, a lodger more realistically, not a partner. You need to cut the cord and look after yourself and your baby.
He's a grown man, you are not his mother, sickness or not you don't have to sacrifice your future happiness to him.
Sounds corny but the saying "become the change you want today or all your tomorrows will be like yesterday" rings true, how was yesterday for you, and the day before?

22-11-2020 6:11pm

If I think about things realistically, my ex's lupus diagnosis kept us together for three years longer than we needed to be together. I didn't stay out of pity or anything but it was like that created a big side show that eventually became normal and then the old issues that were making us consider the relationship prior to the diagnosis came back into focus. Now we're both happy in other relationships and get on with each other fine.

It sounds like you have those issues already and they will always be there. I don't think something like MS, Crone's, or lupus, are reasons to break up, but the other things you mentioned are. I don't say that lightly.. I really dislike how easily people recommend breaking up online but in this case, I feel it's worth sharing my opinion.

suicide_circus · 22-11-2020 9:25pm

"doesnt believe in physical contact" - that phrase struck me as odd. Did he use you to have a child but actually has no interest in sex? Or is it related to his illness? If my spouse told me she didnt believe in physical contact that would suggest to me that we're done.

cj maxx · 24-11-2020 12:19am

You say it was already a troubled relationship of 3 years, and I can tell you ,from experience, that mobility issues don’t suddenly appear with a ms diagnosis . It seems your grasping at straws with this relationship would ever work out, and it seems to me from your op that, now you have your baby he’s done his job and you want rid of him . It strikes me that you are using his medical issues as an excuse to walk away and blame it on crones, ms or whatever. Definitely best for all 3 to break up

cj maxx · 27-11-2020 9:45pm

I didn't mean that post to sound mean to you OP. Rather, that ms may not be the cause of his behaviour.

27-11-2020 10:15pm

I'm just amazed how a stranger can give advise to break up a relationship and family, based on a few paragraphs from another stranger. Ops please look into counciling, give it your best shot. Good luck what ever you do.

cj maxx · 29-11-2020 2:34am

Sunnyspot wrote: »

I'm just amazed how a stranger can give advise to break up a relationship and family, based on a few paragraphs from another stranger. Ops please look into counciling, give it your best shot. Good luck what ever you do.

Your right Sunnyspot. I was completely off ( heads all over the place) and counselling would be a good start. You both have a lot of stuff going on with his health and a baby , please op my posts were more to do my own mess. Sorry op

pwurple · 29-11-2020 5:40am

Someone who expects others to manage their illness for them is going to melt your head.

It sounds like you've both already ended it mentally, but are looking for the route out where you are not guilty of abandoning him.

Is it possible to send this fella home to his parents or siblings?

JustAThought · 03-12-2020 5:39am

cj maxx wrote: »

You say it was already a troubled relationship of 3 years, and I can tell you ,from experience, that mobility issues don’t suddenly appear with a ms diagnosis . It seems your grasping at straws with this relationship would ever work out, and it seems to me from your op that, now you have your baby he’s done his job and you want rid of him . It strikes me that you are using his medical issues as an excuse to walk away and blame it on crones, ms or whatever. Definitely best for all 3 to break up

I think this is an extremely mean spirited snide post. MS can materialise in many different ways some of which have nothing to do with mobility such as eyesight issues, headaches, arm issues etc.

The OP has painted a dark picture of a self
centered depressive manchild who is distant and self engrossed, treats her like an unpaid carer, refuses to be intimate or engage in basic partner activities like sex and is disinterested in her as a friend or lover as well as disinterested in helping himself in managing his Chrons disability. I’d be well shot of a selfish self engrossed individual like this years ago - and certainly not staying with them out of pity .

OP - he will always be the father of your child but he is supposed to be your lover and soulmate - you are not his maid and carer. You say your relationship is 3 years old and it has been
fraught with serious relationship problems since
the beginning. It sounds like you are placing yourself into a lifelong trap of misery by facilitating his behaviour and enabling him. You need to focus on your needs and that of your emotional and physical wellbeing. How many years are
you going to waste on him and indulge him with pity not love - that is not a relationship or normal. You need to prioritise your health and your wellbeing and a happy nurturing environment for your child - or you will all be trapped in a lifelong hell of misery. Emotional controlling and manipulation is still abuse even if he has a disability - and using it to control you and keep you as his servant and non lover is still an abusive relationship - even of
you pity him and feel sorry for him. You can do that from a distance - you don’t have to throw away any chance of love or happiness just because he has been mentally ill since you first met him. You deserve better - and so does your child.

It sounds like he has been emotionally controlling you for years using his illness to keep you in a state of worry and concern about him. That is not
love. Nor is denying someone any intimacy and
being casually cruel under the guise of ‘love’. That is a totally abnormal
relationship and one you need to end - regardless of his new diagnosis. It has already been dysfunctional for years - you do not owe him
your life and life
happiness because he is medically unlucky. He has already shown you he does not love
or respect you when he had his first illness. Adding another illness to that will not make him love you either. You are not his slave or emotional whipping post - you need to cut your losses and
go. He can still live and visit or mind his child. He does not also have to control and destroy your life
or chance at a normal loving relationship.

Womens Aid will he able to help
you with emotional suport & if you tell them the full honest story could help you with emergency accommodation also. But it might be easier to just leave and go to a friends or family or even rent a
small space for yourself bia daft and apply to
get HAP or rent allowance. You would
certainly qualify and the sooner the better to get your headspace sorted. You could bring the baby around to him to mind and visit - don’t let him into your new place or the abuse and emotional controlling and guilting will start again and he will start to control and trap you again.

If people knew what he was like, or you told them how difficult, unloving and controlling it has been, they will not judge you or think bad of you for leaving when he has this new diagnosis. The HSE will give him social care and a support worker to work with. And that will last his lifetime - you don’t have to sacrifice yours and be a martyr to a man who does not love or care for you just because he is unlucky.

bertiebomber · 05-12-2020 11:00am

You need to leave or resign yourself to being an unpaid carer to a person who doesnt love you or your son and what a bitter person this could turn you into. He needs to cope and help himself or go home to his family & get professional help you have a child to rear and this toxic atmosphere is not good for the child or you. It may seem shocking but you need to pack your bags and leave if nothing else it will prompt him to get sorted in his health issues.

My Partner has MS, Multiple Sclerosis

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