Should I try telling her?

NDD18 · 09-01-2021 7:24pm #1

I need some advice:

A friend of mine told me he is seeing this woman, nothing serious. But the way he refers to her shocked me a bit. He said she comes over about once or twice a week, they **** and she leaves after a while. He said "she seems into him, but that she is ugly, short, walks a bit crooked, skinny, saggy boobs, big nose, she even smells a bit". Basically he is seeing her just because she pleases him sexually. I was surprised by the way he described her, and quite frankly I have been thinking about trying to find out who she is and telling her. Does that sound reasonable?

Caranica · 09-01-2021 7:26pm

There's only one thing you need to do, find a new friend. He sounds like a terrible person to have in your life.

Dafterss · 09-01-2021 7:28pm

Send her an email

Tork · 09-01-2021 7:46pm

I wouldn't get involved to be honest - these things can take twists and turns you don't envisage and you could end up regretting your actions. You're not in the full possession of the facts anyway. Maybe this woman doesn't want anything more than a twice-weekly shag and is happy with things the way they are.

Your friend doesn't sound like a nice person so maybe you should be asking yourself do you want somebody as unkind as this in your life.

Airyfairy12 · 09-01-2021 9:06pm

I dont know what telling her will do other than upset her. Your friend sounds horrible, if he speaks that way behind her back you can bet he speaks that way about others behind their backs too, he cant be trusted, if it was me id create a bit of distance in the friendship, he sounds toxic.

golfball37 · 09-01-2021 9:08pm

Why don’t you be a friend and tell him how you feel? Otherwise it’s nothing to do with you really.

leggo · 09-01-2021 9:44pm

If this was a mutual friend of yours I’d say a hard maybe at best. As it stands, your best case scenario is that you seriously upset a stranger and give them a complex about their looks. The most likely scenario is that you look like a weirdo, make no difference and lose a friend because the first thing this person will do is rush to the guy and ask him what the story is. If you have any mutual friends with this guy, I’d also take into account that this guy will tell them and they’ll adjust accordingly by never telling you any unvarnished thoughts in case you go find the person they spoke about and blab. In other words, nothing good will come from this.

Look OP, I get where you’re coming from and you’re morally sound in your intentions, but the solution you’ve come up with just causes drama and upset. I’m not saying you have to just accept these views if they offend you, but you can challenge them directly as others have suggested. The pro way to handle it is challenging them in a constructive way that engages the likes of your friend rather than gets them defensive. That way you’re actually contributing to something productive and not hurting an innocent person’s feelings in the process. None of us can save the world by ourselves but we can do our bit to sleep at night by being a better influence to the people that we are able to influence.

dingledosser · 09-01-2021 9:48pm

It’s absolutely none of your business, so that’s a definite no.

Also, your friend is a dick.

Also, there’s a chance she doesn’t even exist.

sallyanne12 · 09-01-2021 9:57pm

NDD18 wrote: »

I need some advice:

He said "she seems into him, but that she is ugly, short, walks a bit crooked, skinny, saggy boobs, big nose, she even smells a bit".

Your friend is messed up. I don’t believe him. How would he get so turned on if he was that repulsed by her? He has serious issues either way

Daragh1980 · 09-01-2021 9:59pm

Show her this thread

YellowLead · 09-01-2021 10:12pm

Don’t say anything to her. On the off chance she has low self esteem (and she might well do if she has let a creep like that into her bed) those words could really have a terrible and lasting impact.
But do say something to him! I hope you did when he mentioned it - that’s not very nice, for example.
I couldn’t be friends with a person like that. Perhaps he is not the brightest and thinks it makes him sound like a big hard man to say something like that....who knows!

Sonic the Shaghog · 09-01-2021 11:18pm

He doesn't sound nice but unless you are friends with this girl or she's a friend of a friend it would be a bit cracked to be searching up a total stranger to tell her. For all you know she could be as big **** as your man

LegacyUser · 09-01-2021 11:24pm

While i agree he doesnt sound like a nice fella i dont see what you are going to achieve by letting this poor lady know.

You are going to ruin your relationship with your friend and im sure the lady would be very upset to hear someone was talking about her like that

Let sleeping dogs lie and it will run its course

Calypso Realm · 10-01-2021 12:37am

I have to say I'd have probably found it hard not to say something to him after what he revealed. In fact, I know I would have.

Then I'd have dropped him after that! Sounds awful.

Covit · 10-01-2021 12:44am

Listen it’s 2 people meeting up for a bit of fun , there not harming anyone. She might not think much of him either only using him as he uses her

Jasper_ · 10-01-2021 1:01am

For all you know its just a shag to her too. Personally I wouldnt do anything. I he told you that she thinks the world of him and wants a relationship then maybe I would have a word with him and tell him to cop on, but that would be the height of it.

osarusan · 10-01-2021 12:04pm

dingledosser wrote: »

Also, there’s a chance she doesn’t even exist.

Good chance neither of them exist I would say.

But if they do exist, OP should do nothing apart from stay away from his dickhead friend.

MissShihTzu · 10-01-2021 7:59pm

I reckon your mate is blowing smoke. Tell him to find a better dealer, then drop him. He sounds like an idiot. And imagine - if he's willing to talk smack about someone behind their back, imagine what he might do to you!

Drop him like it's hot. Friends like that? Who needs em?!

ManOfMystery · 11-01-2021 12:03pm

For all you know, she's describing him to people in equally negative ways.
For all you know, she doesn't care and it's just a regular shag.
For all you know, she may not exist.

Best thing to do? Stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you at all. Your friend doesn't sound particularly nice but that's an entirely separate question, if it's even a problem for you.

racso1975 · 12-01-2021 8:16am

If you are so annoyed about it why not confront him on it as opposed to informing somebody you never met about his behaviour, behind his back. His behaviour/attitude will continue unless people actually pull him up on it

Jequ0n · 12-01-2021 9:35am

You must be an amazing friend if this is all it takes to sell out your friend to a stranger you have never met

YellowLead · 12-01-2021 9:39am

Jequ0n wrote: »

You must be an amazing friend if this is all it takes to sell out your friend to a stranger you have never met

I think OP heard somebody (friend or not) speak in a very derogatory manor about another person and is trying to do something about it - it’s commendable that it bothered him. At least he came here for advice

The less that kind of talk is tolerated the better - if OP called him out on it it might make him think twice about saying it and trying to have a laugh at her expense again, even if it didn’t change behaviour.

Jequ0n · 12-01-2021 1:48pm

YellowLead wrote: »

I think OP heard somebody (friend or not) speak in a very derogatory manor about another person and is trying to do something about it - it’s commendable that it bothered him. At least he came here for advice The less that kind of talk is tolerated the better - if OP called him out on it it might make him think twice about saying it and trying to have a laugh at her expense again, even if it didn’t change behaviour.

And there is nothing wrong with letting the friend know that you don’t appreciate/ condone their behaviour. But going behind someone’s back to tell on them is just not what I consider a friend to be doing.
Have the conversation face to face or stay out of it.

NDD18 · 12-01-2021 4:28pm

Thanks for the ideas, I am still unsure what to do. Just to clarify, as some raised doubts, she exists. He has described her on more than one occasion and he hinted to me that while with her he tells what she wants to hear. She is also not the only one he meets by the way.

dingledosser · 12-01-2021 4:41pm

NDD18 wrote: »

Thanks for the ideas, I am still unsure what to do. Just to clarify, as some raised doubts, she exists. He has described her on more than one occasion and he hinted to me that while with her he tells what she wants to hear. She is also not the only one he meets by the way.

None.
Of.
Your.
Business.

Potatoeman · 12-01-2021 4:42pm

This is the problem with casual hookup apps, guys will lower their standards to get sex but have no interest in the women they are getting other then sex.

If your friend talks about her like that he probably talks about other people like that too i.e. you. There is a line between honest and mean.

YellowLead · 12-01-2021 4:49pm

NDD18 wrote: »

Thanks for the ideas, I am still unsure what to do. Just to clarify, as some raised doubts, she exists. He has described her on more than one occasion and he hinted to me that while with her he tells what she wants to hear. She is also not the only one he meets by the way.

Why don’t you say something to him? Let him know you don’t think it’s nice to talk about women like that, it’s not something you want to hear, and it’s not okay to lie to them just for sex. Why not be open - plenty of women also just want sex so find one of them! I mean if he wants to see several women so be it, but if he’s not being honest with them and discussing them in such hurtful terms that sucks. It’s a pity there can’t be a warning on his tinder profile!

Hannibal_Smith · 12-01-2021 6:52pm

I think it's madness to track her down to tell her what he's saying behind her back. What if she says to him his mate tracked her down just to tell her all the things he's been saying behind her back? How would that pan out?

If you don't like what your friend is saying, tell your friend. If you have an issue with what your friend is doing, tell your friend. You don't want to hear the details, tell your friend not to share them.

redfox123 · 13-01-2021 3:17pm

Seems pretty simple to me. If you are an actual friend you say it to him? Why are you being fake and thinking that what he is saying is horrible yet not saying so and pretending to be fine when he says such things. Are you really that keen to keep being nice to a person who treats people like this.

You don’t have to be aggressive or overly confrontational, just say ‘wow that’s really kinda f**ked up to be honest. You’re really leading her on, if you’re going to keep it up I don’t want to know about it, just know I really disagree.’ And leave it at that. Have some balls.

fantaiscool · 14-01-2021 10:46am

NDD18 wrote: »

Thanks for the ideas, I am still unsure what to do. Just to clarify, as some raised doubts, she exists. He has described her on more than one occasion and he hinted to me that while with her he tells what she wants to hear. She is also not the only one he meets by the way.

Is there any chance you may be jealous of him?

NDD18 · 16-01-2021 4:15pm

fantaiscool wrote: »

Is there any chance you may be jealous of him?

No, but years of being friends got severely awkward because of the way he talked.

MissShihTzu · 16-01-2021 4:33pm

OK. So you're not jealous of him. But if things are as awkward as you say, then the best thing to do is one of the following:

1. If he starts talking about the girl (or any girl) in a way you find uncomfortable, then say to him 'I don't want to hear about it'.
OR
2. You just phase him out. Personally, I favour option 2. Your mate sounds like an immature jerk.

Emme · 18-01-2021 12:34am

Get a new friend.

ILoveYourVibes · 18-01-2021 9:46pm

NDD18 wrote: »

I need some advice:

A friend of mine told me he is seeing this woman, nothing serious. But the way he refers to her shocked me a bit. He said she comes over about once or twice a week, they **** and she leaves after a while. He said "she seems into him, but that she is ugly, short, walks a bit crooked, skinny, saggy boobs, big nose, she even smells a bit". Basically he is seeing her just because she pleases him sexually. I was surprised by the way he described her, and quite frankly I have been thinking about trying to find out who she is and telling her. Does that sound reasonable?

Honestly I would not get involved.

I would stop being this person's friend. You end up becoming the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Keyzer · 19-01-2021 12:17pm

NDD18 wrote: »

I need some advice:

Does that sound reasonable?

No, that sounds like the actions of an interfering nutter.

Don't do this. Its none of your business.

ShatterAlan · 20-01-2021 2:16am

NDD18 wrote: »

I need some advice:

A friend of mine told me he is seeing this woman, nothing serious. But the way he refers to her shocked me a bit. He said she comes over about once or twice a week, they **** and she leaves after a while. He said "she seems into him, but that she is ugly, short, walks a bit crooked, skinny, saggy boobs, big nose, she even smells a bit". Basically he is seeing her just because she pleases him sexually. I was surprised by the way he described her, and quite frankly I have been thinking about trying to find out who she is and telling her. Does that sound reasonable?

He sounds cruel, and a bit misogynistic.

You could tell him to be a bit more than that.

He's having sex with a woman who isn't perfect and he thinks it's a laugh.

Prick.

lawred2 · 24-01-2021 9:14pm

NDD18 wrote: »

I need some advice:

A friend of mine told me he is seeing this woman, nothing serious. But the way he refers to her shocked me a bit. He said she comes over about once or twice a week, they **** and she leaves after a while. He said "she seems into him, but that she is ugly, short, walks a bit crooked, skinny, saggy boobs, big nose, she even smells a bit". Basically he is seeing her just because she pleases him sexually. I was surprised by the way he described her, and quite frankly I have been thinking about trying to find out who she is and telling her. Does that sound reasonable?

Not really got anything to do with you has it?

What outcome are you hoping for?

NDD18 · 28-01-2021 7:04pm

Case settled, I am not going to get involved. He mentioned the woman doesn’t even have a smartphone, and is quite gullible. She would never believe me.

Hannibal_Smith · 28-01-2021 7:23pm

Mod Note

As you've reached a conclusion OP, we'll close the thread there.

Thanks everyone for the help and advice.

HS

Should I try telling her?

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