No idea how dating works.

LegacyUser · 30-12-2020 7:02pm #1

I'm 30 male. Never been in a real relationship. Was abused as a kid and it's ****ed me up. Last time I kissed was 8 years ago. Now it's become a massive deal in my head.

Trying to get back into dating but with the fact it's been so long, I've already built it up massively in my head that it's something that I will never overcome.

Honestly at this point, I feel like I need a relationship coach. I have no idea when to make the move from messaging on the dating apps, to getting phone number to meeting up. When should the first kiss happen, when does it become official etc. I just wish there was a dating 101 guide to help be get back in the game.

YellowLead · 30-12-2020 9:09pm

Pat on the back for getting out there and giving it a go. Don’t we all wish there was a handbook! I’m afraid there is not, and there are no rules. Treat others with respect - be prepared to be treated with respect by some, but not others. The only way to go about it is to get stuck in and gain experience. Don’t give up and don’t settle for less than you want/deserve. If you are nice to dates and have a positive attitude, you’re already doing the right thing. The other thing I would say is to take it easy and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Expect to make online matches that don’t always lead to dates, expect that first dates don’t always turn into second ones and to pick yourself up and keep at it.

radiotrickster · 31-12-2020 8:10pm

OP, I was similar where it was all built up in my head. I’d recommend just giving up for a while and focusing on yourself. That’s what did it for me. I just said “I’m not going to think about it. I’ll work on myself, my mental health and if someone comes along, great.”

Sure enough, when someone came along it worked out great. I was in the best health I’d ever been physically and mentally. The things I used to worry about – dates, first kisses, etc – didn’t matter anymore because I was so confident in myself, I knew that dating was all a bit of fun.

Take a few months off dating. Delete the apps, stop texting anyone you might be texting. Just give yourself the space to be you and work on being happier in yourself.

Terrontress · 01-01-2021 1:04pm

I was going out with a girl for 10 years, got married to her and split 9 years later. I found myself alone and, after 19 years without a date, started to use the dating apps.

I had no idea what to do on a date, but I persevered and have had some good times. I will give you the following tips which work for me, but may be different for you:

First of all, be yourself. When I first started, I was putting on a jacket, dressing as I ordinarily don't, showing up 15 minutes early to sit at a table facing the entrance of the bar, checking my phone repeatedly etc. I must have been a bundle of nerves and, as a result, rarely got a second date. Be yourself, relax and enjoy the evening whatever comes. It is good to dress up, but don't wear something she will never see you in again if you hit it off. It may be the one and only date you have with this person, rather than develop into a lifelong relationship, but you can still enjoy good company. If she doesn't want to meet again and you do, don't be disheartened, just focus on the positives of the evening.

I have also found it better to be fairly definite in what you are going to do for the date. She agrees to a date, you should say "I know a great restaurant, let's go there" or "Let's go for a walk along the coast, there's a lovely stretch between A & B". What I tended to do initially was get her to agree to come out and then ask if she knows anywhere, what she likes to do etc., thinking I was being polite by not forcing my opinions on her. When I researched some things to do, the date was always happier to have something suggested rather than me letting her do all the organising.

I don't expect intimacy of any kind on date 1 - the first date is just getting to know each other. It might happen, but don't stress if it doesn't.

On date 1, if it involves dinner, I always offer to pay. The date might insist on paying half, which is fine. Whatever causes least awkwardness, but it is nice to make the offer.

If she agrees to date 2, then she likes you and an attempt at a kiss is appropriate. It doesn't have to go further than a kiss if neither party is comfortable. But, by that stage, she knows you are looking for romance, she has had an evening to get to know you already, she has seen you in the flesh rather than as a picture on an app, she wants to come out again.

Finally, if you go in for a kiss, and she reciprocates, you are on your own from there on. It takes on its own pace.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2021 10:31pm

Dear Dating Newbie,
First of all, I wish you a very happy new year, and plenty of success with your future dates. Whatever happens on any of them, it will be an opportunity for you to learn something, which will help you get better and better each time you take another risk to put yourself out there.
I am sorry to hear about your difficult childhood experiences. It does indeed affects the way we relate to others as adults, especially in romantic relationships. I would strongly recommend that you read the book "Attached: : The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Amir Levine, Rachel S.F. Heller". It really helps to understand our "attachement style" and how and why we behave the way we do with others. It also helps to identify other people's relationship style and how they affect us. I believe it will help you greatly as the more you are aware of yourself and understand your own mechanisms, the more self confident - an attractive trait, you can feel when relating to others.
Also you might consider, beyond self help strategies, getting the help of a qualified psychotherapist. A relationship coach could help you too but wouldn't be able to help you deal with the roots / childhood "trauma".
I wish you the very best in your quest. May you be well and happy :-)

No idea how dating works.

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