Ex wife slept with our separated friend

castle · 27-12-2020 10:15am #1

Quick summary, about 10 yrs back we met another couple through sporting activity all our kids done. We would bring our kids to training and chat while training was on. We also gave lifts to each others kids when other could not not usual stuff. all meet on match day.

Unfortunately both marriages failed nothing to do with us 4. We would continue to brings kids training etc and a mix of who would be there would happen, eg 2 men be walking around together and also 2 women,also male female of opposite families. Usual. So i got close to the woman and we had really good chats and had same interests. 3 yrs after both marriages failed on one of the walks i asked if she fancied dinner and she said ok but I need to run it by her ex as we are all friends and that would be respectful.

I decided not to as wanted to see if we actually went on date would there be something more ie a kiss and wnd date. So i prefered to do it that way but she said no and i thought well maybe best not to as might cause drama etc and plenty more fish in the sea. I also told my ex i was thinking about asking the other woman out and she was taken aback but then said tks for letting me know. I did out of respect for her. Never went on date as maybe not worth the hassel that might come with it.

Roll on couple of weeks ago i found out my ex had slept with the male of this friendship just the once. She denied it and so did he but i have proof and as we no longer a couple they are free to do wat they want but i would have tbought wat about respect as i had told her my intentions.

Anyway the exwife of other person does not know. They do not want her to know and we still give lifts etc to each others houses as our kids are friends. So both women only chatted last week etc.

I feel her ex should tell her and i am happy to not say he had no choice and only saying because i know. But if he does not i feel sober i should tell her and i know one drunk nite i will. Any thoughts? Disappointed same respect was not shown to me and other woman involved.Or maybe we just soft.
Also this guy is a person i have shared over the years personal information about my relationship with ex and he likewise in return with his. Even at time this happened i would have have intimate chats about my ex. I could easily over xmas have met him for coffee and chat and usual chat is sports,life kids, ex mrs.

SouthWesterly · 27-12-2020 10:21am

Sad as a marriage break up is, you have no responsibility for what your ex does with another person who is also a free agent.
Your feeling you are all answerable to each other for your relationships is mistaken.

osarusan · 27-12-2020 11:02am

Honestly, it is hard to understand what you have written, but if I do understand it correctly, you and your wife used to be friends with another couple, both of you have since broken up, but continue to meet and chat at different events (related to your kids).

Some time ago, you asked the woman from the other couple out, but she said that it would need to be run by her ex-husband, as you are all friends and it would be disrespectful to go behind his back. You told your ex-wife also that you were thinking of asking the woman out, but eventually decided not to go down that road.

More recently, you found out that the man from the other couple has slept with your ex-wife, and his ex-wife doesn't know about it, and you think she should know about it, should be respected enough to be told about it?

To be honest, it's not really your business or your place to intervene. Everybody is single now, can do what they like. It's an unusual dynamic in the first place, and them sleeping together, and that becoming common knowledge (eventually) will further twist the dynamic, but it's not your business.

YellowLead · 27-12-2020 11:06am

Agree with other posters. You’re not married anymore and therefore there is no obligation to discuss anyone’s private life. If it was me I would stay away from ex’s friends/family out of respect and also to avoid any general awkwardness during potential groups meetings - but if I did happen to go down that road I certainly wouldn’t feel obliged to tell anyone as it would be my business alone.

Smee_Again · 27-12-2020 11:17am

It was the woman you asked out who wanted you to talk to her ex before you two could date. That was her choice and it was your choice not to talk to her ex.

Your ex and male friend obviously thought differently.

Neither are wrong and none of the 3 people have wronged you. It’s also not unfair that they would sleep together without telling you first nor is it unfair that the other woman wouldn’t date you without informing her ex.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-12-2020 12:27pm

The reality is, you didn't want to show anyone 'more' respect. You were against the idea of telling your ex wife. So it isn't a stable moral high ground you're on.

The other couple slept together once, they did nothing wrong. The only thing they didn't do is show her the same standard of respect she felt was owed to your wife. They didn't betray anyone. They thought no one find out. Telling her would either be a... See what they did but I didn't mentality...or it would stir things between the other couple. And make things really awkward with the kids and lifts etc.

Maybe there was also an element that she was trying to let you down gently, in expecting your ex would be against the dinner.

.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-12-2020 1:17pm

castle,
I have edited your thread title and your opening post to make it easier to read. Can I ask that you please write full sentences and not to use txtspk when you type. It makes it very difficult for posters to follow.

Thanks
BBoC

Idle Passerby · 27-12-2020 1:22pm

You wanted to ask someone out, ie wanted to date her or begin a relationship. I can see how if that were to happen the ex's would have to be told eventually.

Your ex and the other guy had sex once "by accident". How do you think they should have forewarned you about that? If their one night stand doesn't affect the dynamic of the group there was no reason to tell anyone.

I actually think the other woman asking you to effectively look for her ex's blessing before having a date was an attempt at letting you down easy. She didn't want to date you. If she did, I doubt she'd have expected her ex to give her permission.

seenitall · 27-12-2020 1:32pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

The reality is, you didn't want to show anyone 'more' respect. You were against the idea of telling your ex wife. So it isn't a stable moral high ground you're on.

The other couple slept together once, they did nothing wrong. The only thing they didn't do is show her the same standard of respect she felt was owed to your wife. They didn't betray anyone. They thought no one find out. Telling her would either be a... See what they did but I didn't mentality...or it would stir things between the other couple. And make things really awkward with the kids and lifts etc.

Maybe there was also an element that she was trying to let you down gently, in expecting your ex would be against the dinner.

.

It’s HER ex that she wanted the OP to talk to before dating, not his. The OP disagreed and abandoned the whole idea altogether because he didn’t want to face a guy and tell him that he’d asked his ex out. Yet had no such qualms about informing his own ex of the idea. The ex, however, witheld on informing him on her own ONS/fling/thing with the other guy. It’s basically an ego bruise for the OP that he didn’t get to do with the other woman what his ex did with her ex in secret, anyway, and all because of the other woman’s scruples that he felt disinclined to follow. So he is feeling some misdirected, personal affront around the other pair having managed to get it on. As far as I understand.

OP, if I were you, I’d leave this situation in the past. When you strip it right down, the woman isn’t all that interested in you, otherwise she’d be the first to talk to her ex about a possible date with you, if she is so honest and principled and all. But as she isn’t really that bothered about the possibility of dating you, she left
it up to you to do this, probably counting on the fact that you would make a strategic retreat rather than face her ex with this chat. All you would get now from telling her about the other two, is a bit of a righteous feeling, possibly. None of this will end up in happily ever after.

Go look for fun and dating somewhere less close to home and all of your kids. Always simplify things for yourself, never make them messier than they need to be.

castle · 27-12-2020 1:33pm

You read incorrectly as i did say to my ex,
Also for years we shared personal information about my relationship with ex and he likewise in return with his. Even at time this happened i would have have intimate chats about my ex. I could easily over xmas have met him for coffee and chat and usual chat is sports,life kids, ex mrs.

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

The reality is, you didn't want to show anyone 'more' respect. You were against the idea of telling your ex wife. So it isn't a stable moral high ground you're on.

The other couple slept together once, they did nothing wrong. The only thing they didn't do is show her the same standard of respect she felt was owed to your wife. They didn't betray anyone. They thought no one find out. Telling her would either be a... See what they did but I didn't mentality...or it would stir things between the other couple. And make things really awkward with the kids and lifts etc.

Maybe there was also an element that she was trying to let you down gently, in expecting your ex would be against the dinner.

.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-12-2020 1:36pm

My first thought was that the other woman didn't really want to go on a date. If she wanted to she'd have said yes, and that she'd "tell" her ex, not "run it by him".

I think she used it as an excuse.

Your ex and her ex sleeping together, if it was a one night thing is not something that needs to be broadcast (how did you find out?). If they end up going out together she will find out eventually.

strandroad · 27-12-2020 2:24pm

Just to add one more voice to the choir: you are all exes, there is no cheating etc. There is no obligation to tell anyone or make anyone else aware - not for them when having sex, and not for you when going on a date. The woman you asked out was too cautious and deferential to her ex but that's her right I suppose.

Should anything progress and need to be explained to children etc it would be then; but a single event is purely between the consenting free agents.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-12-2020 4:02pm

Sorry OP, I did misread and thought she wanted you to talk to your ex not her ex.

I still don't think any wrong has been done here. The other half of the couples slept together once, the other didn't. I don't see the point in telling the party you are interested in. They haven't betrayed anyone.

castle · 27-12-2020 4:46pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Sorry OP, I did misread and thought she wanted you to talk to your ex not her ex.
I still don't think any wrong has been done here. The other half of the couples slept together once, the other didn't. I don't see the point in telling the party you are interested in. They haven't betrayed anyone.

Understand your view and appreciate it ,i think the fact i would still ring him and we talk about our ex wife's and i not knowing he slept with my ex and i saying things in confidence to him, that is the main issue. That is wrong in my book.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-12-2020 5:06pm

How did you find out they slept together? You said they both deny it but you have proof?

So is the main issue that they slept together and his ex doesn't know? That seemed to be your issue in your OP.

Or is it that you confide in him, and now feel a bit off about him sleeping with her, whilst being your confidante?

To be honest, it's all a little too close to home, isn't it. Obviously you now should back off from discussing your ex with him. Maybe still arrange lifts between you all to matches but things are getting messy so keep a bit of civil distance between yourselves now.

You seem to want to tell his ex-wife just to stir sht a little. Threatening that it'll probably come out when you're drunk. Why would you be drunk in her company? Surely the 4 of you don't all still socialise together? Surely you and his ex don't socialise alone?

Walk away. This is all too entangled. As you said in your first post "plenty more fish" you didn't need to be caught up with this tiny group of intertwined people.

castle · 27-12-2020 5:17pm

She confirmed, so feel she should have told me as i would confide certain things to this guy and she knew this.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

Big Bag of Chips · 27-12-2020 5:27pm

But how did you originally discover they slept together? You said they were denying it but you had proof. Your ex eventually confirmed out, but how did you originally find out?

You all seem to be still too involved in each other's lives.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-12-2020 5:33pm

I understand what you're saying, but it's messy.

You asked the wife of couple A out. If she had said yes and you went out together, yourself and the husband of couple A would still have been friends and sharing confidences about your exes? So did your ex and the husband of Couple A not just do what you yourself had planned/hoped for?

I'd say you're a bit surprised by the news, that's natural. But don't get annoyed over it. Move passed it.

valor rorghulis · 27-12-2020 5:38pm

Sympathise with you mate, must be a horrible feeling.

That said I think telling the lady is motivated by vengeance more than anything else, that will come through. She’ll probably resent you almost as much for telling her. Even if she doesn’t I reckon you will feel worse than you do now after telling her.

I’d say take the high road and say nothing to her. It will likely come out anyway. By all means tell him what you think of him.

leggo · 27-12-2020 10:51pm

On one hand, I get the iffiness. Someone close to you slept with your ex-wife, there’s no way for that not to sting. So I get it.

On the other, I don’t really think you’re coming at this from a good place. It sounds to me like the friendship you all had became a bit enmeshed and incestuous, so when you all had a void after the break-ups of both units, you turned to each other for comfort. The awkward thing is that the woman doesn’t seem to have been particularly interested, I agree with those who say she fobbed you off. Reality is if you were going to be together or something would’ve happened, then it would’ve by now and the other stuff would’ve worked itself out...like what happened with your ex and the other lad. So I kinda get how you feel here, like everyone else in this situation got an opportunity to get some relief from this friendship dynamic except for you. So **** the rest of them, right?

The problem is that now it comes across like your plan to blow it wide open is made out of bitterness and a desire to cause harm. You might deny that, it may not be the case or you may be in denial yourself...but that’s how it’ll look to everyone else involved. And, in truth, no good will come of it. The other woman almost definitely won’t have a change of heart and want to be with you because this happened, the much more likely outcome is she sees you as a bit of a desperate, jealous, ****-stirrer and cuts contact with you. You might feel like your ex and the bloke ‘deserve’ to have their ‘betrayal’ revealed and have to deal with the consequences...but the truth is they didn’t betray anyone. They just did something acceptable that stung you a little bit.

Look I sympathise with you OP. I’d even go as far as to say that, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably be feeling and thinking along similar lines in weaker moments. But nip these thoughts in the bud now. Fuelling these thoughts is only going to make whatever you’re feeling now way worse.

wiggle16 · 28-12-2020 1:14am

castle wrote: »

Understand your view and appreciate it ,i think the fact i would still ring him and we talk about our ex wife's and i not knowing he slept with my ex and i saying things in confidence to him, that is the main issue. That is wrong in my book.

OP you might not like the situation but I don't see any reason for you to say anything at all - all you would be doing is stirring sh*t, as has been pointed out. Everybody is single now, nobody answers to anyone else.

If you were to tell what you know, the only reason you could possibly have for doing so is to cause difficulty/awkwardness for your ex-wife and the other bloke. I understand it might smart a bit to learn that someone you know is sleeping with your ex but that doesn't give you any call to make life difficult for them.

We can dress it up with any justifications we like but you'd only be hurting this woman's feelings to score a small point against your ex-wife and this other bloke - and that's exactly how it will look to all of them. If you go telling this woman what you know you will definitely come out looking the worst of the four of you.

Forget about it and say nothing. It's not your business and you will only look a fool if you interfere.

castle · 28-12-2020 11:25am

Tks for message,i no interest in other lady now for nearly 2 yrs so thst boat has long sailed and i not a vengeful person , my ex still chats with her and i feel it not right she opens uo to her about personal stuff and in unware of full story. I did not like that for me and have asked myself if shoe on other foot would i want her to tell me answer is yes. So that is the ground i coming from and she is a very moral type of person.

leggo wrote: »

On one hand, I get the iffiness. Someone close to you slept with your ex-wife, there’s no way for that not to sting. So I get it.

On the other, I don’t really think you’re coming at this from a good place. It sounds to me like the friendship you all had became a bit enmeshed and incestuous, so when you all had a void after the break-ups of both units, you turned to each other for comfort. The awkward thing is that the woman doesn’t seem to have been particularly interested, I agree with those who say she fobbed you off. Reality is if you were going to be together or something would’ve happened, then it would’ve by now and the other stuff would’ve worked itself out...like what happened with your ex and the other lad. So I kinda get how you feel here, like everyone else in this situation got an opportunity to get some relief from this friendship dynamic except for you. So **** the rest of them, right?

The problem is that now it comes across like your plan to blow it wide open is made out of bitterness and a desire to cause harm. You might deny that, it may not be the case or you may be in denial yourself...but that’s how it’ll look to everyone else involved. And, in truth, no good will come of it. The other woman almost definitely won’t have a change of heart and want to be with you because this happened, the much more likely outcome is she sees you as a bit of a desperate, jealous, ****-stirrer and cuts contact with you. You might feel like your ex and the bloke ‘deserve’ to have their ‘betrayal’ revealed and have to deal with the consequences...but the truth is they didn’t betray anyone. They just did something acceptable that stung you a little bit.

Look I sympathise with you OP. I’d even go as far as to say that, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably be feeling and thinking along similar lines in weaker moments. But nip these thoughts in the bud now. Fuelling these thoughts is only going to make whatever you’re feeling now way worse.

Big Bag of Chips · 28-12-2020 11:47am

Maybe say that to your ex.

Although you don't really know what types of conversations they have. They could be very superficial chats with very little "opening up" or confiding. Just because you revealed a good bit to her ex, doesn't mean she does the same to yours.

You can tell your ex that you think it's very unfair that she listens to this woman opening up about her problems with her husband. But your ex might tell you that she doesn't listen to that because they don't discuss anything personal. If so, then your reasoning for thinking the woman should know is moot.

tara73 · 28-12-2020 12:12pm

why are you still so hung up about this people? I think you need or want some drama and stories. why?

let them do what they want to do and keep out of it if they bother you that much.

Don't you have other friends and hobbies you could spend your time and (positive) energy on? that would be my advice.

wiggle16 · 28-12-2020 12:27pm

castle wrote: »

Tks for message,i no interest in other lady now for nearly 2 yrs so thst boat has long sailed and i not a vengeful person , my ex still chats with her and i feel it not right she opens uo to her about personal stuff and in unware of full story. I did not like that for me and have asked myself if shoe on other foot would i want her to tell me answer is yes. So that is the ground i coming from and she is a very moral type of person.

It doesn't matter what they talk about, your ex has chosen to keep this to herself and it's not your place to go telling, so you would be wrong to do it - and as I've said, you will come off looking worse than any of them if you interfere.

In fairness OP, I think if you're really honest with yourself you'll have to acknowledge that you are trying to create reasons to justify telling her - this is the first post where you mentioned that you think it's unfair that your ex is being less than honest with this lady. Up til now your posts indicated you felt it was bad form for the other bloke to have slept with your ex and said nothing.

I get that you're annoyed and I get why, but you need to put it aside and forget about it. It's none of your business and it's none of that lady's business either. Maybe you're not a vengeful person, but telling her would be a vengeful thing to do, because there is literally no reason for you to say anything other than to cause trouble.

Everyone is single and nobody answers to anyone else. It's not your business and that lady has no right to know about it. You need to forget about it.

Hannibal_Smith · 28-12-2020 12:56pm

You don't know what they talk about. Is it right that two years later you're all sharing intimate details of your marriages with each other? You don't know the conversations the two wives have or information they share.

Maybe 2 years ago the wife's feelings were more raw than they are now. It's not your business to tell. They haven't betrayed anyone.

If you feel so strongly about it that you think telling the wife is the best thing to do, then that's your decision. But take a second and look at the wider picture and ask yourself, is it really that important to be so necessary?

leggo · 28-12-2020 3:54pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

In fairness OP, I think if you're really honest with yourself you'll have to acknowledge that you are trying to create reasons to justify telling her - this is the first post where you mentioned that you think it's unfair that your ex is being less than honest with this lady. Up til now your posts indicated you felt it was bad form for the other bloke to have slept with your ex and said nothing.

^^^ This all day OP.

The unanimous response you're getting here is to leave well alone, it's not your business. I don't think anyone has told you to get involved. So, whatever your motive, the reality is that you're clinging to this for some reason that you need to come to terms with. Your marriage to your wife has ended, who she sleeps with is not your business and you've no right to go trying to start trouble for her because she slept with someone while single. I know this is all very easy for us to say, and I accept that dealing with the emotions knowing stuff like this brings up is difficult, but once you deal with them then the only sane response is to leave this alone.

Quite often, when a couple splits up mutual friends will individually tend to spend more time with one partner than the other. They'll often try split it evenly at first, but that's not a practical way to live and they'll end up spending more time with the person who fits in their life as it progresses, as we all do.

The reality here is that it looks like your wife has got these friends in the divorce: she's slept with the bloke and made a friendship with him untenable for you, now that you know, and continues a friendship with the woman who's rejected your romantic overtures. That's ****, no doubt. I've lost friends in break-ups before so I get it. But the best thing for you right now IMO would be to just leave these people in your past and start a new life. Don't try create excuses to harm their friendship. Don't try give anyone their comeuppance. You may not be a vengeful person, as you say, but you WILL look like one if you do anything. Accept that these people are in your past, mourn that if you have to, then move on and start a happy new life of your own without them.

Xterminator · 28-12-2020 5:07pm

I would summarise your dilemma below.

your wife got divorced, then slept with a divorced friend. you feel put out and re considering trying to put a spanner in the works by carrying tales to the other ex.

the downsides of taking action.

the ex wife wont thank you for telling her.
your ex and her friend will feel betrayed.
Any kids will be enmeshed in family drama.
Any 3rd party will believe you are motivated by spite and malice. As do i.
Every single stranger on boards thinks you should not interfere.

the upside, you might manage to cockblock your ex? You might feel you got one over her?

I think you know in your conscience you should mind your own business. Morally its wrong, ethically its wrong to interfere. Find more wholesome ways to occupy your time.

castle · 28-12-2020 5:25pm

Tks to everyone, happy xmas.

Xterminator wrote: »

I would summarise your dilemma below.

your wife got divorced, then slept with a divorced friend. you feel put out and re considering trying to put a spanner in the works by carrying tales to the other ex.

the downsides of taking action.

the ex wife wont thank you for telling her.
your ex and her friend will feel betrayed.
Any kids will be enmeshed in family drama.
Any 3rd party will believe you are motivated by spite and malice. As do i.
Every single stranger on boards thinks you should not interfere.

the upside, you might manage to cockblock your ex? You might feel you got one over her?

I think you know in your conscience you should mind your own business. Morally its wrong, ethically its wrong to interfere. Find more wholesome ways to occupy your time.

wiggle16 · 28-12-2020 11:02pm

I take it you've come to a resolution, so.

Thanks all who posted. Take care OP.

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Ex wife slept with our separated friend

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