"Love is not a feeling, but a decision"

JustHalf · 15-06-2001 4:42pm #1

Can someone find a way of backing this claim up? It seems entirely ludicrous to state that love is not a feeling; and I personally don't believe that love is a conscious choice.

The article (in "Alive!") goes on to state that "the whole point of the marriage vow, 'for better, for worse, till death do us part', is that it possible to decide to love"). I don't see how this vow shows this. Surely it is a proclamation of intent, and a promise?

SHADOW · 15-06-2001 5:41pm

I read somewhere once that there was a thinkin that love was in fact a disease. Bit of a depressing sh!te of a doctor I hear you shout but his argument was actually well presented.

All of that said I can remember only a few of the points but I will have a look next time I'm on my own puter to see if I can find it again.

N

P.S. - Just in case there are any mongs reading this, I personally dont think that love is a disease.

If the bottom falls out of your world, drink Andrews and the world will fall out of your bottom!!
games?

JustHalf · 15-06-2001 5:54pm

Originally posted by SHADOW:
P.S. - Just in case there are any mongs reading this, I personally dont think that love is a disease.

What the heck's a mong?

Excelsior · 15-06-2001 7:24pm

Dave I entirely agree with Alive (and GK Chesterton) on this one.
Love, in the context that they were describing, is most certainly a decision.
They were talking about marraige and they (not saying you, or everyone, just the journalists at Alive!) believe that it must be a life-long commitment.
Love is an emotion, to be felt. But no emotion in and of itself is eternal. One must make a decision to continue treating the "object" of your love with behaviour that suits your intentions.

If you believe that love is some kind of unstoppable train then you are right. We have no control over who we fall in love with.
However we do have control over who we continue to love and in that situation the decision must be made.

Excelsior
=Consto Suffragium Cussu Famina=

chernobyl · 15-06-2001 8:17pm

"Love"...yawn
Its a dumb state of mind.Being fu<king emotionally dependant on someone, no thanks.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

Hobbes · 15-06-2001 10:20pm

Originally posted by chernobyl:
"Love"...yawn
Its a dumb state of mind.Being fu<king emotionally dependant on someone, no thanks.

Oooh, someone got burned.

Oh yeah · 15-06-2001 10:37pm

Marriage vows... not too sure of the technicalities, but it's "to have and to hold, honour and obey" and all that trolloppy nonsense.

Where's it say you have to love a person?

Love is a feeling.

Marriage is a decision.

Love and marriage... oh dear.

chernobyl · 15-06-2001 10:52pm

Originally posted by Oh yeah:
Love and marriage,Love and marriage, go together like a horse and.....

Al bundy has though me alot.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

JustHalf · 15-06-2001 11:27pm

Originally posted by Excelsior:
Love, in the context that they were describing, is most certainly a decision.

It was a Q&A themed article, in relation to "Bridget Jones sexuality". The question was that when two married people do not love one another, surely they should not be expected to stay together?

The answer given was that love was not a feeling but a decision. For anyone to say that love is not a feeling (ie. emotion) they need to be lying or wrong, for it is not correct.

That said, the fact that the question was when two people *stop* loving another, which I don't believe can happen with true love.

Originally posted by Excelsior:
However we do have control over who we continue to love and in that situation the decision must be made.

I don't, I'm afraid. If I did, my life would be far more entertaining.

DadaKopf · 16-06-2001 11:22am

The Romans saw love as a festering disease.

DadaKopf · 16-06-2001 11:25am

Like a fever.

Bard · 16-06-2001 11:30am

Oh no, it's certainly not (necessarily) a conscious decision. Love is a powerful emotion that can all too often be far more powerful than any amount of human reasoning. I don't believe it's normal to be able to choose who you fall in love with - it just happens, like it or lump it...

**** happens, sink or swim... as someone I love once said to me

It's out of our control - we just have to deal with it as best we can.

Bard

- i gCathair Luimní, deireadh-seachtaine seo... to be sure, to be sure.

Lucy_la_morte · 16-06-2001 2:03pm

If love was a concious decision, then it wouldn't hurt so much. You could simply drop your decision or change it.

Miaow.

Lucy la morte.

chernobyl · 16-06-2001 8:56pm

Originally posted by Lucy_la_morte:
If love was a concious decision, then it wouldn't hurt so much. You could simply drop your decision or change it.

What crap, its your fault you have such a weak mind, and that you cant say yes or no.
And "hurt so much"...what ever.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

Hecate · 16-06-2001 10:21pm

dont think it works quite like that chernobyl.

Love isnt a decision, could it be an instinct?. Animals dont feel love since they arent sentient. So then love is only somthing that experienced by conscious beings like ourselves?

Hmm this is turning into another "What is love?" thread

Excelsior · 17-06-2001 12:54am

Dave, I want to talk with you about this when Semester starts again.
But I think that people too often have a concept of "true love" or a romanticised version of love. People are permitted alot of space to spout nonsense when the topic is brought up (perhaps out of a genuine regard for the very strong feelings they may hold on it, are you reading Chernobyl?) but there is very much a concious decision to continue nurturing and building on initial love.

To have some kind of concept that any emotion, be it love or hate or greed or pride can last as a foundation for a whole life is foolish. The journalists at Alive believe marraige is a commitment for life. In fact, if a Catholic marries, that is exactly what it is.

They are entirely right in everything that they wrote (quite rare for them!) with regards their own belief. You have a different belief.
You once told me you woke up in someone else's body.

Its definitely not just a feeling. That devalues it entirely.

(The presumption made is that we are discussing erotic love- as marraige was the initial context. There are many other types of love, none of which are based purely on emotion.)

Excelsior
=Consto Suffragium Cussu Famina=

chernobyl · 17-06-2001 12:57am

Originally posted by Hecate:
dont think it works quite like that chernobyl.

Love isnt a decision, could it be an instinct?. Animals dont feel love since they arent sentient. So then love is only somthing that experienced by conscious beings like ourselves?

are you trying to tell me something m8.and every answer is bullschit, why?
Love or its definition is as different as the ppl who define it so there is no 1, "Love is".
And Love for me is crap, ok.

Hmm this is turning into another "What is love?" thread

Britany Spears Looking incredible

chernobyl · 17-06-2001 1:00am

Originally posted by Hecate:
dont think it works quite like that chernobyl.

Love isnt a decision, could it be an instinct?. Animals dont feel love since they arent sentient. So then love is only somthing that experienced by conscious beings like ourselves?

Hmm this is turning into another "What is love?" thread

are you trying to tell me something m8.and every answer is bullschit, why?
Love or its definition is as different as the ppl who define it so there is no 1, "Love is".
And Love for me is crap, ok.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

Shinji · 17-06-2001 1:38am

All that means, chernobyl - and I think everyone here can see this mate - is that either (a) you've been recently burned, or (b) it's never happened to you.

If the former, my sympathies. It's rough - very rough. But time heals wounds; there'll still be a scar, but it won't hurt any more.

If the latter... You're in for a pretty amazing experience. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... Stop being afraid of it, none of us are alone in this life really and fear of being emotionally dependant on someone else is really something that can cause problems for you.

chernobyl · 17-06-2001 1:51am

Originally posted by Shinji:
All that means, chernobyl - and I think everyone here can see this mate - is that either (a) you've been recently burned, or (b) it's never happened to you.

If the former, my sympathies. It's rough - very rough. But time heals wounds; there'll still be a scar, but it won't hurt any more.

If the latter... You're in for a pretty amazing experience. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... Stop being afraid of it, none of us are alone in this life really and fear of being emotionally dependant on someone else is really something that can cause problems for you.

Who are you to suggest what i have expierienced?
"is that either (a) you've been recently burned, or (b) it's never happened to you.

That pretty much covers every human being.
Amazing expierience my ass, and the theory "no man is an island" is till up for discussion in my book.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

Shinji · 17-06-2001 2:03am

So that'll be option (a) then. And not everyone has been recently burned, you know. It's a double edged sword alright, but there's more joy than pain in the end - you just have to learn to survive the pain and appreciate the joy.

Trust me, the emptiness of being alone eventually becomes much more difficult to live with than the joy and pain of being with others.

Oh yeah · 17-06-2001 2:58am

Originally posted by Shinji:
there's more joy than pain in the end

Why?

JustHalf · 17-06-2001 2:19pm

Originally posted by Excelsior:
But I think that people too often have a concept of "true love" or a romanticised version of love. People are permitted alot of space to spout nonsense when the topic is brought up (perhaps out of a genuine regard for the very strong feelings they may hold on it, are you reading Chernobyl?) but there is very much a concious decision to continue nurturing and building on initial love.

I think people have that concept about things that are not love a lot of the time, and in these cases it is truly nonsense. There is a conscious decision to build on that love, but the question asked was that if love was *gone*.

Originally posted by Excelsior:
To have some kind of concept that any emotion, be it love or hate or greed or pride can last as a foundation for a whole life is foolish. The journalists at Alive believe marraige is a commitment for life. In fact, if a Catholic marries, that is exactly what it is.

I don't think so. I try and build my life around it, and it has changed me substantially. It is the foundation of my existence.

True, I act up sometimes as I am only human. It is an ideal that is very difficult to live by, just like the aims of Christians to live by Christ's example are very difficult. There are parts of my life that it has no influence on, though very few. I believe that we all need to look out for one another, care and protect those in need. To I help everyone in need? No, I am incapable.

But the concept of a love for another, a soul mate, that hinders my enjoyment of life. Why?

I'm being kicked off the PC now, I'll continue tommorrow.

[Edited for this]: Because if I go out and start exploring this fuzzy feeling I get around beautiful women, that will disgrace what I know about love. I know what it is like to be in love. Anything else seems entirely meaningless and selfish. I don't look down in a self-righteous way at people who give in... it looks a lot of fun

, but I'd feel self indulgent.

I look at her and think: wow. This is a beautiful person. Physically, yes; but more importantly emotionally... and she wouldn't want me living like this, but I think I'd feel worse in the long term if I indulged in physical pleasures.
[End of edit]

Originally posted by Excelsior:
You once told me you woke up in someone else's body.

Actually, what I told you was I woke up in *my* body, but it felt like it was someone elses for a moment.

Originally posted by Excelsior:
Its definitely not just a feeling. That devalues it entirely.

Perhaps you're coming from the angle that something which is "just a feeling" is irrelevant. True, love is not "just a feeling". It is a power, a force that guides our actions that cannot be ignored. But at a base level, it is an emotion, not something chemical.

Perhaps they're coming from the angle that a feeling is something chemical, and an emotion is different. Isn't "feeling" a synonym of "emotion"?

Originally posted by Excelsior:
(The presumption made is that we are discussing erotic love- as marraige was the initial context. There are many other types of love, none of which are based purely on emotion.)

That's lust, not love, as far as I understand your terms... though it is possible this is what they meant.

[This message has been edited by JustHalf (edited 17-06-2001).]

SHADOW · 17-06-2001 8:54pm

Originally posted by Shinji:
Trust me, the emptiness of being alone eventually becomes much more difficult to live with than the joy and pain of being with others.

Well said.

If the bottom falls out of your world, drink Andrews and the world will fall out of your bottom!!
games?

Paladin · 17-06-2001 9:51pm

I love my friends (non-sexual) and its purely based on personality of course.
Is that true love?
What is that? Is it even love? I dunno, but any girl I have a relationship with had better be one that Id like to be around regardless of anything sexual. A friend basically. Is that totally different from plutonic friendship or merely a development of it?

*me shrugs*

I dont care. Doesnt make a difference to me what people think it is, nor should it to anyone. You will feel whatever you feel, because whether you think love is a decision or not, unless you are severely emotionally stunted (or a vulcan) then you will feel whatever you feel regardless of whether you want to feel it or not. Maybe some people can bury their feelings better, but they are still there and as any psychiatrist says, its best not to bury feelings of love.

Lord Khan · 17-06-2001 9:54pm

for arguement sake I'm taking it that this is about "love as romance between two people".

Love is more than just a feeling, it's a state of being if anything. while I tend to agree you can't control whether you are in love or not you can control your action because of it to an extent, which is where the decision part comes in I suppose.

Love is suppose to hurt ... only way you know it was real. I subscribe to the theory that is is possible to find "true love" more than once in a life.

Love is not a weakness, to me it's a gift possible the second greatest gift you can ever hope to recieve. the First being Having love for somebody and them loving you the same way back.

for example there is Lady for whom I had the strongest feeling I had ever had for anybody ever. but I know she didn't love me the same way, I wasn't sad because of this. I was happy I had the feeling of love it is a great feeling to have.

If Love was a choice ... most of us would not take it for the fear of being hurt or burnt.

I've been "burnt" a few times because of love. I have never once regreted the fact I loved, and Hope I never stop. it's the only thing in my eyes that makes this life worth while. Live for love.

Btw Love and marriage... you can have both with out the other they are not unfortunately mutal dependant. If i get married it will be because I love that person completely and not have the thought that this may last only for a few years.

Romantic Love and the idea of a Soulmate ( I believe in both ) I think aren't one in the same. I have a friend who I only meet recently but I am feel completely at ease around them ... and it is like they know me almost better than my self I only wish I had met them earlier in my life.

Kix · 17-06-2001 10:34pm

Originally posted by Shinji:
Trust me, the emptiness of being alone eventually becomes much more difficult to live with than the joy and pain of being with others.

Absolutely. Proof of the pudding is that people continue to fall in love, no matter how many have gone wrong in their past. Nearly all of us have probably put or heads in our hands from time to time and said "never again, I'm finished with all that crap", but few people ever stick to that decision!

Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with the most fantastic girl I've ever known and it's completely fantastic and rewarding. She's my best mate as well as my lover and I couldn't conceive of life without her!

chernobyl · 17-06-2001 10:50pm

Originally posted by Kix:
Absolutely. Proof of the pudding is that people continue to fall in love, no matter how many have gone wrong in their past. Nearly all of us have probably put or heads in our hands from time to time and said "never again, I'm finished with all that crap", but few people ever stick to that decision!

Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with the most fantastic girl I've ever known and it's completely fantastic and rewarding. She's my best mate as well as my lover and I couldn't conceive of life without her!

so she ownz your ass, and she wears the pants.
i feel sorry for you.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

bugler · 17-06-2001 10:53pm

Chernobyl something has happened you lately.It's not been for the better either. If it's so obviously apparent to me in my limited capacity as an 'acquaintance' of the faintest kind then I shudder to think what it's like for those closer to you.

Kix · 17-06-2001 11:10pm

Originally posted by chernobyl:
so she ownz your ass, and she wears the pants.i feel sorry for you.

Yeah, she is the boss of me 'n I love it.

Seriously m8, I don't really know how to put this, but if there's more to the way you're feeling than just wanting to win the argument and you're feeling truly bad then don't just try to tough it out. I've been there and there is help. I mean this.

Kix · 17-06-2001 11:12pm

Originally posted by chernobyl:
and she wears the pants.

Oh... and I'm actually wearing her pants, but there's a valid reason for that - honestly

Pout · 17-06-2001 11:50pm

Originally posted by chernobyl:

Who are you to suggest what i have expierienced?
"is that either (a) you've been recently burned, or (b) it's never happened to you.

That pretty much covers every human being.
Amazing expierience my ass, and the theory "no man is an island" is till up for discussion in my book.

Awww. Has poor lickle wickle boy been dumped? Bless.

chernobyl · 18-06-2001 12:15am

Originally posted by Pout:
Awww. Has poor lickle wickle boy been dumped? Bless.

Nope, never been dumped, and never will i let someone do it to me, i always get to the punch line first.

Britany Spears Looking incredible

Pout · 18-06-2001 12:49am

Originally posted by chernobyl:
Nope, never been dumped, and never will i let someone do it to me, i always get to the punch line first.

My apologies. Mea Culpa. Pardon me all over the place! I had no intention of casting asparagus on your charachter. Of course you haven't been dumped. You just sound as if you have. while not meaning to cause any more offence, but you do sound just a TAD bitter.

Cake Fiend · 18-06-2001 1:22am

Scrooge?

_CreeD_ · 18-06-2001 6:12am

Love is neither purely emotion or decision. because to get to it you have to have a number of logical decisions on the way, but these would have been tempered by the emotion itself as it grows.
Actually maybe I should change that from Love (The sunburst feeling) to being In Love, where you have committed to it.

You can choose to walk away from someone you are falling for, or to get closer, so decision making is a factor.

As for it making life worth living, well it's also possible that the withdrawal affects are what make the rest of your life unsatisfying. Taste it once and you need another hit to feel okay.

Anyway the only thing I think we can truly say about being in love is it will always be too short. Whether it ends naturally, by choice or simply old age and death, it's never long enough...

(Ps. By now I thought ye all would have realised Chernobyl is having fun playing Mr Ice)

Lucy_la_morte · 18-06-2001 6:54am

Vanilla Ice?

CreeD you really are too wise. Your post was enlightening and made perfect sense, so much I agree with you.

Miaow.

Lucy la morte.

"Love is not a feeling, but a decision"

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