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Remarks about my partner

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    #32
    TheW1zard
    Registered Users Posts: 1,340 ✭✭✭TheW1zard


    Shes nice once you get to know her sort of thing is it?


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    #33
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    I think I understand this now after the op explanation, I’ve probably been there myself, you come from a certain type of clique and she from another , and what’s perceived as normal in her world is absolutely mental to others and vice versa, I bet you’ve thought to yourself “I wonder what a wedding would be like with the two families “ ;)

    The words “end up” are usually very offensive and nasty to be fair, and used against someone who’s probably just being themselves

    Would I correct in saying the acquaintance who said that has a stable pensionable job , steady family life has a hobby and really f*k all else ?


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    #34
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,292 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    YellowLead wrote: »
    It sounds like your gf has some personality traits that irk others, rightly or wrongly. Clearly they don’t irk you and you are what matter here.

    What do you say back when people pass comments? Maybe you should say something like - ‘you don’t know her very well, she’s a sweet heart underneath’.

    I think it’s rude to make comments about other peoples partners like that - but I suppose if it’s people close to you who are doing it then it’s probably only because they care about you and clearly she is a little hard work to be around for them.

    Jesus don't say that. That's practically tacit agreement.

    Simply ask them "what do they mean?" And watch them squirm. They won't be so rude again. .


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    #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Went through the same with my brother when he moved to the same city, and I know this because I also incorrectly said he was "very sociable".

    One person saying something is rude, but many people saying something is serious. If one of these people has only met her three times, what you mean to say is "She talks too much." I thought it was great when he got here and chatted so much with my groups of friends, because I knew what he was talking about, and he's my brother. But the comments starting coming in from entirely different groups and I started to see for myself. Talking incessantly about himself and mundane topics, casually insulting other people including myself, and imagining his own traits in others and criticising them.

    What you're hearing now from these people are the warnings that you're going to stop getting invited to these things soon if she continues to dominate and disrupt conversations. It happened to me as he was a plus one, and now I never invite him anywhere either because once he gets his opening, the conversation is gone. He met my girlfriend once and managed to needlessly insult her and not even try to learn anything about her. He just droned on about bitcoin, work, and then he bitched about how our mum talks too much on the phone. My girlfriend has spoken to my mum on Viber a good bit and pointed out the irony that he would say that.


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    #36
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Just to add, OP, my husband would have been asked similar questions over time about how he ended up with me. I took this to mean he is a very lucky man, because I'm a delight ;)


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    #37
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    This is classism. Your family / friends aren't used to being around someone less educated, who has an unconventional family background and likely was raised in a different neck of the woods that they think is unsavoury, and her loud and gregarious personality just highlights these things and makes them uncomfortable. Someone like your girlfriend is a bit confronting to people who think they are "well to do" and they likely are thinking that you "can do better".

    I know this all sounds a bit Jane Eyre and is a bit harsh OP, but I've seen this so many times before. Lots of people see classes and define themselves by their education and where they live / what they and their family does for a living / where they were raised especially when you reach middle / upper middle classes. In my experience this may become a more pointed issue when/if you get to the stages of meeting families, getting married etc. But your friends / family will just get used to it, if you choose to turn a blind eye to their comments and call them out if they keep with the questioning ("how did you end up with yer wan?" "What does that mean?")


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    #38
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.


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    #39
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,059 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.

    On the contrary.
    There are people who will look down on whoever doesn’t fit their world view. My own family are pure scum but this is hidden under a facade of prestige and wealth. Anything that differed from their ideals was looked down on. Not every higher class family will display attitudes like that, but some do. Likewise some working class families might look down on the perceived rich and fancy who never did a day of hard work.
    I’m sure the OP can decide if anything said on thread applies to them


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    #40
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.

    Classism isn’t about manners it’s about snobbery


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    #41
    Justhere2021
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Justhere2021


    I definitely think there is a certain element of that to be honest, as much as my siblings and their partners like to think they are open-minded and non-judgemental there has been certain little comments when their guard has dropped that makes me think otherwise. The more I think about it I do think there's a certain element of what bitofabind has said. @Bigbagofchips I actually laughed out loud out your last reply....I'm sure my girlfriend would say the same lol.


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    #42
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,381 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

    Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.


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    #43
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,292 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Deleted User wrote: »
    OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

    Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.

    Better yet OP - get a stopwatch and measure her contributions accurately. No point bringing subjectivity into this.


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    #44
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I don't think it’s fair to jump to the conclusion that it’s because your friends, family, work colleagues and her friends are snobs. If she was a loud brash socialite, do you not think she’d be judged too? If anything, I’d say that it is often considered more socially acceptable to be harsh on someone like that.

    Maybe she’s wired differently, maybe in her family everyone is like her. I’m not sure that anyone is right or wrong here - just incompatible. Maybe she finds your circle as stiff and boring as they find her OTT. So I guess it comes down to whether you can live with the knowledge that a number of your circle have an issue with her. You could ask her to tone it down a bit, but I imagine she might be hurt by that. I guess the alternative is to carry on as you are, and hope that there isn’t a heated exchange of views about it in the future, or that invites start falling away.


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    #45
    Justhere2021
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Justhere2021


    Deleted User wrote: »
    OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

    Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.


    That's not what I said if you read back over the messages. I said that I do wonder and think there is a certain element of that attached to it. It's a bit hard to ignore that completely when as I said a few messages ago my sibling has made some scathing comments dressed up as banter on occasion. I also acknowledged that maybe I don't see her the same way some other people do and that I acknowledge that if she has a louder personality that some that that may be irritating to people. When I'm acknowledging points made by posters it doesn't have to be an either-or situation, it just means that I'm acknowledging the points made from both sides of the argument and seeing if they apply to the situation.

    Just to clarify her own friends have called her a free spirit, I wouldn't necessarily consider that a negative thing and when it was said it didn't seem to have negative undertones.

    Anyways thanks for the advice, I'll see on average of much she speaks the next time we're in company.


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    #46
    Justhere2021
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭Justhere2021


    lawred2 wrote: »
    Better yet OP - get a stopwatch and measure her contributions accurately. No point bringing subjectivity into this.


    Stopwatch and all! ;):D


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    #47
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Are these comments being made negatively, OP? You mention that your friend made a comment but followed it up by saying she's very funny. People commenting on her might not be pointing out what they perceive as faults. That would be just plain rude. Perhaps they are just pointing out differences between you.

    I take it you're quieter? Maybe more reserved? So it might be natural that people would point out that you're very different. I think lots of people are unlikely to point out the faults of a friend's partner. They might talk behind your back! But are unlikely to put her down in front of you. One close friend might speak to you and ask if you're happy etc. But I think if many people are commenting on her then it's not in a negative sense. It's just an observation.

    If it is negative, then you have a lot of very rude people in your life!


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