Bullying As An Adult

irishrepeat2 · 17-09-2016 9:27pm #1

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

suicide_circus · 17-09-2016 9:28pm

go semi auto

Avatar MIA · 17-09-2016 9:29pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

Bully them first?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 17-09-2016 9:31pm

Define bullying. I've seen people cry "bullying" because a boss told them to do a job. As an adult stand up and say stop. Report it. Move on. Walk away...

Sue Pa Key Pa · 17-09-2016 9:36pm

Best of luck to any male who alleges bullying by a female colleague. Career suicide

DEFTLEFTHAND · 17-09-2016 9:43pm

Try to be confident and self assured. Bullies prey on people who they perceive to be weak.

5starpool · 17-09-2016 9:49pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

What are some examples? Bullying is not something that anyone need accept. Is it personal life or professional? Some people are just assholes anyhow. There may be a need to have a mix of getting a thicker skin and removing yourself from the situations, such as get a new job if the current one is so unpleasant that it affects your life. Without knowing any details of the situation though, the thread will just be After Hours'ed.

17-09-2016 9:57pm

If it's at work, you may have remedies.

If it's a neighbour, that's trickier.

Can't say I've ever experienced it, so can't provide any answers for the latter. But can understand that it would be profoundly upsetting. Is there anything to be said for assertiveness, is it a self worth issue that could be helped by a psychologist?

darlett · 17-09-2016 10:02pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

Repeatedly say, "I know you are, but what am I".

They do not like it and they cannae take it.

Gives us some relative but none identifying details if you would? In what way are you bullied? Or is it in all ways?

Larry SR · 17-09-2016 10:15pm

Obviously different approaches for difference situations, however displaying self confidence and assertiveness in all situations will help prevent it.

anewme · 17-09-2016 10:20pm

I believe the "school gate" crowd can be vicious. I've no children so I dont engage but have heard terrible stories of people being left out deliberately.

DrGreenthumb · 17-09-2016 10:29pm

shut up and give me your lunch money

Satriale · 17-09-2016 10:47pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Any way to prevent it happening?

At the first hint, kick them straight in the nuts, no exceptions, ever.

andekwarhola · 17-09-2016 11:16pm

So many situations? Depending on which one, remove yourself from the situation, report them or punch them.

alan1963 · 18-09-2016 1:11pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

I have also been the victim of bullying as a adult, I partially blame myself looking back ,I allowed it to happen. It stared with small comments, something inconsequential which went unchallenged and were built on in the weeks and months that followed until every thing I did or said was belittled and ridiculed,to be fair some of the criticism is justified, in which case it is brought up again and again. Other times I was in the right and in that case the fellow would just say "right then" turn his back to me, and end of subject, never to be mentioned again.

Looking back I should have objected,done something about it earlier on before it got so bad but I didn't ,to avoid confrontation I suppose So it just got worse and worse and in the end I just left the job.

The fellow bullying me wasn't a manager or boss by the way he was just another worker,the foreman saw and heard what was going on but turned a blind eye probably again to avoid confrontation also.
We were working on a self employed basis and one day I just said to the foreman" I am going" he wasn't surprised , I have not seen any of them since that day,. it was about 18 months ago.
Big thing for me to walk out of a job, never done it before, never been out of work before.
I

anewme · 18-09-2016 1:23pm

alan1963 wrote: »

I have also been the victim of bullying as a adult, I partially blame myself looking back ,I allowed it to happen. It stared with small comments, something inconsequential which went unchallenged and were built on in the weeks and months that followed until every thing I did or said was belittled and ridiculed,to be fair some of the criticism is justified, in which case it is brought up again and again. Other times I was in the right and in that case the fellow would just say "right then" turn his back to me, and end of subject, never to be mentioned again.

Looking back I should have objected,done something about it earlier on before it got so bad but I didn't ,to avoid confrontation I suppose So it just got worse and worse and in the end I just left the job.

The fellow bullying me wasn't a manager or boss by the way he was just another worker,the foreman saw and heard what was going on but turned a blind eye probably again to avoid confrontation also.
We were working on a self employed basis and one day I just said to the foreman" I am going" he wasn't surprised , I have not seen any of them since that day,. it was about 18 months ago.
Big thing for me to walk out of a job, never done it before, never been out of work before.
I

That's just terrible. Hope you've got something now.

If someone tries that tack with me (smart little comments) I just say straight off, sorry, what do you mean by that? Don't take that tone with me.

Bullies don't like being asked to explain themselves.

Jesus. · 18-09-2016 1:31pm

Satriale wrote: »

At the first hint, kick them straight in the nuts, no exceptions, ever.

What if they're female?

bgr123 · 18-09-2016 1:33pm

Was bullied as a young person a few different times.As i got older i said fuc! it and if anyone tried it on i gave it back 10 times worse to them and it worked.I always look out for people in the same situation.good to give a help.God knows we all need a hand.

Outlaw Pete · 18-09-2016 1:33pm

anewme wrote: »

I believe the "school gate" crowd can be vicious.

Can be vicious at times alright.

anewme · 18-09-2016 1:38pm

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

Can be vicious at times alright.

subtle bullying and exclusion can be 10 times worse!

Senna · 18-09-2016 1:43pm

I got accused of bullying a member of staff, she went to seek legal advice and thankfully that put an end to it, she was told she had no case whatsoever.
Bullying is a horrible experience but the term gets over used and that hurts the genuine victims.

Samaris · 18-09-2016 1:44pm

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Feel free to share your experiences.
I've been prone to bullying throughout my life.

Any way to prevent it happening?

Usually it's the fault of the bully alone, they need to pick on someone and they do so. Sometimes a person can make of themselves a target though - and I've been in that position before. If you're being bullied in one part of your life - say, by a coworker, then that's almost certainly them, not you. If you're being bullied in most sectors of your life by different people, the hard fact is that you need to figure out what about you is attracting them. Don't get me wrong, it's wrong that others are doing it. That is their fault, their being assholes. But that doesn't help you if you're attracting the assholes.

Is there a common theme? If you're picked on for, say, your looks, then that's a difficult one (although I'd be surprised that there's enough assholes in your everyday life that would actually do that, that's more common amongst teenagers who grow out of it). If it's a certain behaviour, you may need to consider if it is actually irritating enough to others that you may need to consider if it can be alleviated.

I realise this may sound like victim-blaming, but I've been in the boat as well, and the only way out is to not be a target. That doesn't mean that you have to go on the attack, become a bully to prevent being bullied. World doesn't have to work like that. And it's hard, because bullying cuts away your sense of self-worth, and to say "you need to have confidence in yourself" when others are chipping away at that confidence over years is almost cruel. But sadly, it is what works.

Satriale · 18-09-2016 1:45pm

Jesus. wrote: »

What if they're female?

Maybe i didn't quite think that through...:D

On a more serious note, whatever you do, put a stop to it straight away, speed is the essence, bullies will always take the path of least resistance and will take a mile for that inch you give.
I'd prefer a black eye or being fired to some cnut whittling away at my confidence day in day out.

18-09-2016 2:25pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Try to be confident and self assured. Bullies prey on people who they perceive to be weak.

I would say it would be definitely worth doing a course in assertiveness. Some people are genuinely quiet and avoid confrontation. Being honest, im probably one of those but its an area id like to address and improve upon. Environment probably doesnt help matters. Geography hasnt been kind to me in terms of the idiots ive grown up around who think its acceptable to engage in this garbage and today i still receive sneers from one or two morons. Their problem not mine.

alan1963 wrote: »

I have also been the victim of bullying as a adult, I partially blame myself looking back ,I allowed it to happen. It stared with small comments, something inconsequential which went unchallenged and were built on in the weeks and months that followed until every thing I did or said was belittled and ridiculed,to be fair some of the criticism is justified, in which case it is brought up again and again. Other times I was in the right and in that case the fellow would just say "right then" turn his back to me, and end of subject, never to be mentioned again.

Looking back I should have objected,done something about it earlier on before it got so bad but I didn't ,to avoid confrontation I suppose So it just got worse and worse and in the end I just left the job.

The fellow bullying me wasn't a manager or boss by the way he was just another worker,the foreman saw and heard what was going on but turned a blind eye probably again to avoid confrontation also.
We were working on a self employed basis and one day I just said to the foreman" I am going" he wasn't surprised , I have not seen any of them since that day,. it was about 18 months ago.
Big thing for me to walk out of a job, never done it before, never been out of work before.
I

I've been subject to this type of toxic nonsense since i was a child so can fully relate to what you are saying but it only hurts if your foolish enough to believe their bulls*it and if im being honest, what i was subjected to has affected my ability to build and/or maintain relationships, to develop a career path, to believe in and follow my dreams, to communicate effectively and cordially....no more....the foot is coming down

its positivity all the way from now on :pac:

People who engage in this garbage, no matter what they manage to achieve in life will always be dead inside to a certain degree. They can trick themselves into thinking they are of high importance to the world and justify their behaviour but frankly speaking if you need to make others feel shíte to give yourself a boost then you need to get a grip.

18-09-2016 2:38pm

I might also add its not as easy as it sounds to nip bullying in the bud as soon as it starts. Bullies are manipulative people who go about their business with a discretion of a rat slithering up a stone wall so anyone who is a victim shouldn't blame themselves for not detecting it earlier or being proactive about it.

How to prevent bullying? be the most confident, assured and best person you can be. Look after yourself physically and it will have its emotional and mental benefits.

irishrepeat2 · 18-09-2016 5:43pm

anewme wrote: »

That's just terrible. Hope you've got something now.

If someone tries that tack with me (smart little comments) I just say straight off, sorry, what do you mean by that? Don't take that tone with me.

Bullies don't like being asked to explain themselves.

bgr123 wrote: »

Was bullied as a young person a few different times.As i got older i said fuc! it and if anyone tried it on i gave it back 10 times worse to them and it worked.I always look out for people in the same situation.good to give a help.God knows we all need a hand.

Samaris wrote: »

Usually it's the fault of the bully alone, they need to pick on someone and they do so. Sometimes a person can make of themselves a target though - and I've been in that position before. If you're being bullied in one part of your life - say, by a coworker, then that's almost certainly them, not you. If you're being bullied in most sectors of your life by different people, the hard fact is that you need to figure out what about you is attracting them. Don't get me wrong, it's wrong that others are doing it. That is their fault, their being assholes. But that doesn't help you if you're attracting the assholes.

Is there a common theme? If you're picked on for, say, your looks, then that's a difficult one (although I'd be surprised that there's enough assholes in your everyday life that would actually do that, that's more common amongst teenagers who grow out of it). If it's a certain behaviour, you may need to consider if it is actually irritating enough to others that you may need to consider if it can be alleviated.

I realise this may sound like victim-blaming, but I've been in the boat as well, and the only way out is to not be a target. That doesn't mean that you have to go on the attack, become a bully to prevent being bullied. World doesn't have to work like that. And it's hard, because bullying cuts away your sense of self-worth, and to say "you need to have confidence in yourself" when others are chipping away at that confidence over years is almost cruel. But sadly, it is what works.

Deleted User wrote: »

I might also add its not as easy as it sounds to nip bullying in the bud as soon as it starts. Bullies are manipulative people who go about their business with a discretion of a rat slithering up a stone wall so anyone who is a victim shouldn't blame themselves for not detecting it earlier or being proactive about it.

How to prevent bullying? be the most confident, assured and best person you can be. Look after yourself physically and it will have its emotional and mental benefits.

Great advice cheers guys! Shows theres a big community out there! I guess I gotta learn to stand on my own two feet and it'l be good for me.

The bullying will push me on. It's just often yeh get targeted when you're most vunerable.

Like when yeh mess up if people cross the line it's hard to say much when yeh messed up yourself. People tend to strike when you're done. That I struggle with.

19-09-2016 1:23am

irishrepeat2 wrote: »

Great advice cheers guys! Shows theres a big community out there! I guess I gotta learn to stand on my own two feet and it'l be good for me.

The bullying will push me on. It's just often yeh get targeted when you're most vunerable.

Like when yeh mess up if people cross the line it's hard to say much when yeh messed up yourself. People tend to strike when you're done. That I struggle with.

Don't fight this battle alone. Tell someone close if its getting you down. At the end of the day everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves the right to dignity at work. Bullying is against health and safety practices, perhaps your perpetrators should remember this when they are striving for workplace perfection the next time.

dd972 · 19-09-2016 1:34am

The most nauseous things about workplace bullies is their cowardice, they know and take advantage of the fact that the restrictions of the workplace for their victims gives them a margin they can work within and get away with things they wouldn't dare try outside in the real world. they usually work in packs as well, they behave like Mike Tyson in a group and like Charles Hawtrey on their tod.

Hammer89 · 19-09-2016 2:48am

Is it mental or physical bullying? If it's physical then I don't see how it can be classed as anything other than bullying, but if it's mental, I would explore the idea of confronting the person(s) and telling them how you feel. If they're receptive and apologetic, which I hope would be the case, then it's not bullying in my view, because it hinges on intent.

If they hurt your feelings then the onus is on you to determine their intentions, rather than stay silent, though I totally get why confronting them is a scary prospect if you're intimidated by them. But how else do you find out? In childhood, the intentions of a bully are often malicious, because a lot of kids are c*nts, but most of us mature into decent, reasonable adults who would be mortified if they knew that their actions made another man or woman feel sh*t about themselves. Personally, I'd be really, really sad.

Because you've suffered bullying at an earlier age, is it possible that past experiences have moulded you into an adult who automatically classes certain things as bullying, without considering whether the intent is malicious? I'm not for a second suggesting you need toughen up, or develop a thicker skin or anything, but if I was bullied for lengthy spells in my childhood I'd probably grow up quite defensive and interpret a lot of things as an attack on me, even if the other person meant it as banter or something.

I think human beings are pretty nice for the most part, but staying silent makes things worse.

playedalive · 19-09-2016 8:19am

I think this definitely is a test criterion for psychological bullying, and it is what separates the likes of workplace bullying from say assertive feedback that might be meant well.

Definitely in the workplace, there is a very thin line between say somebody bullying you and somebody who might just not have much of a filter and say something to mean well. That might just not have the emotional intelligence to back up the sincerity of what they say, that it is meant well.

I would be somebody who is a 'target' for bullies. That could be because I'm eccentric, quiet, not terribly confident...Have had it all my life and try to work at being more confident. As a result, I am defensive and can be fiery if somebody tries to be negative and give me criticism. Like in one job, I got a performance apparaisal saying I asked too many questions. I immediately went on the defensive, being like I got no training which were genuine reasons but, at the same time, it could have been understood as take your time and think about how you would answer that customer query. While not terribly fair, it was kinda meant well (yet the manager was just trying to avoid her duties).

Then, there was my last retail job where my manager completely went on the negative (whenever he was there). Despite showing up on time, clean and eager to learn/do the job, nothing I did was ever 'good enough'. Being consistently told I was crap the times he was rarely (Though my supervisor was training me, giving me the odd bit of constructive feedback but generally happy with my work). Any performance appraisals were all negative and whenever I challenged him on his comments and how I could improve, he got immediately defensive and spouted nothing constructive, not even moving to another team if he was that unhappy. That coupled with the threat of "I can terminate your contract any time because I was on probation" In my opinion, that was total bullying. I ended up quitting my job, and once he didn't have that power over me, he backed down and was a lot nicer to me as well as happier jobs were done.

I guess there is no one size fits all solution. It depends on so many things. Being assertive can make it worse. Sometimes it's carefully picking your moments but that job scenario was a special case.

Penny Tration · 19-09-2016 8:25am

I think bullying happens in the workplace more commonly than a lot of people realise.

Having been driven out of a job through bullying that culminated in my superior assaulting me, I had to learn after that to stand up for myself.

If you're quiet and not confident, you're a target. And it's hard to be confident when you're being bullied, because bullying wrecks your confidence. So, fake it. Learn to fake it and be assertive.

If someone makes a smart comment, ask them what they mean. If they stutter or brush it off, say "Yeah but what do you mean by it?" Make them explain themselves, or if they refuse, query it with them until you've embarrassed them. They don't like being held accountable and asked to explain.

If you're in a situation though where your mental and emotional health are being damaged from it, though, don't bother. Walk away because your health is much more important.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 19-09-2016 11:06am

I am full savage when someone tries take me on.
I was bullied in school and now I seem to be hyper sensitive to any sort of bullsh1t about to go down. I am ruthless with my comebacks, and am like a little pitbull with my inability to let things go, which is sometimes a bad thing as I can take it way too far.

I think sometimes people think I'm an easy target because I appear quite soft, but I can hold my own for the most part.

sadie06 · 19-09-2016 11:35am

As an outsider I was witness to school gate bullying last year. My close friend rapidly developed full on friendships (lunches, nights in each other's houses, weekends away) with a few of the school mothers within weeks of her child starting school. They were all obsessed with each other and good old Facebook told a happy story of female bonding and fun. It was all very strange!

Fast forward 18 months and the whole thing imploded, mainly instigated by one woman who viciously turned on two of the others. This woman was a bully as a child, and her tactics were the same as ever. Divide and conquer.

Now they all have 7 odd years of exchanging bitter glances at the school gate ahead of them! Women can be dreadful bullies.

tonycascarino · 19-09-2016 3:35pm

The bully sees you as an easy target, you need to stand up for yourself.

RobertKK · 19-09-2016 3:57pm

When I was getting my training in farming, there is the requirement to go onto a host farm for three months experience.
If I got something wrong the person who was suppose to be helping me would hit me hard at the top of my left arm.
I was around 18/19 years old at the time, he had a short fuse. I was shy in nature and I was doing my best, and just wanted to get that part of the course completed so I did nothing about it.
He then had the cheek to ask if I would stay on longer after my three months were up.
I was glad to get back home where I wouldn't be a punching bag.

Outlaw Pete · 19-09-2016 4:01pm

Most bullies don't see themselves as bullies though. I have noticed that the vast majority of bullies do not live in the real world, but one which they have created in their heads. That doesn't mean they are alone though, because as we have seen throughout history, whole sections of a country's population can bully a sub section of it's inhabitants, and absolutely convince themselves that they are right. I don't see the lone bully any differently tbh. They all have a sense that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing and indeed can feel it's very much deserved.

Guess what I am saying is that there really is not all that much difference between Mean Girls esque cliques, asshole Nathan in accounts, the KKK and The Third Reich.

Tomw86 · 19-09-2016 4:08pm

Would need a couple of examples - I have had exposure to situations of workplace bullying all of which have been dealt with by the company (Not necessarily always satisfactorily, but it has stopped the bullying being repeated).

In 99% of workplace environments there is no excuse for repeated bullying and people should not get away with it, if you can't talk to anyone in your department then go to HR!

Ursus Horribilis · 19-09-2016 4:44pm

It depends how good hr is though. I know of places where they either made a hames of it or were as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

Widdershins · 19-09-2016 7:52pm

Someone mentioned bullying by a neighbour. I was going to say that I'm fortunate to have never been bullied but I do have horrible neighbours..does that count? They love spreading rumours and fall silent when I walk past, not even replying when I say Hi. That's just the women. The men say Hi or salute me on the road, but a few of them don't speak to me at all when they are together in a group. The women are definitely the worst.

I'm not vulnerable so it doesn't get to me.

19-09-2016 8:09pm

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I am full savage when someone tries take me on.
I was bullied in school and now I seem to be hyper sensitive to any sort of bullsh1t about to go down. I am ruthless with my comebacks, and am like a little pitbull with my inability to let things go, which is sometimes a bad thing as I can take it way too far.

I think sometimes people think I'm an easy target because I appear quite soft, but I can hold my own for the most part.

I dated a girl in college who had been bullied in secondary schools, and would go into full-blown superbitch mode during an argument.

Bullying made her a very cold opponent in a dispute. Her insults were shockingly forthright and delivered with deadpan indifference. She could manipulate any situation to make you believe you were always in the wrong, in spite of the facts. I often found myself apologising in arguments that began because she had been late, or was hypersensitive to a comment I made.

Outside those fits of indignation, she'd acknowledge that 'hardening up' in response to a traumatic bullying episode had made her overreach. It occasionally bordered on the sociopathic.

I'm sure you're not like that, but I certainly believe the consequences of bullying on a person can long outlive the actual bullying episode.

I suppose some people withdraw into themselves, and others become tough as nails.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 19-09-2016 10:31pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I dated a girl in college who had been bullied in secondary schools, and would go into full-blown superbitch mode during an argument.

Bullying made her a very cold opponent in a dispute. Her insults were shockingly forthright and delivered with deadpan indifference. She could manipulate any situation to make you believe you were always in the wrong, in spite of the facts. I often found myself apologising in arguments that began because she had been late, or was hypersensitive to a comment I made.

Outside those fits of indignation, she'd acknowledge that 'hardening up' in response to a traumatic bullying episode had made her overreach. It occasionally bordered on the sociopathic.

I'm sure you're not like that, but I certainly believe the consequences of bullying on a person can long outlive the actual bullying episode.

I suppose some people withdraw into themselves, and others become tough as nails.

Did we date

It sounds exactly like me. People outside my circle would see me as being quite cold, and I can be, to people I don't care about. Superbitch would be one way of describing it. People I've been with in the past have described arguing with me as though i have this wall around me and nobody gets passed it.

I do think it's fight or flight though. I'm probably a lot more easily irritated and react much quicker because of school. I spent most of primary school badly bullied and when I was moved into a new school in 5th class, I was so withdrawn I wouldn't even answer roll call.

In secondary school I came out of my shell again, and I'm at the point in my life where I chew people up as a form of entertainment. I feel people don't take me seriously, think I'm weak or that I'm a push over but I'm certainly not.

uch · 20-09-2016 12:05am

I'm not being funny here but when this has happened me in the past I just ask them can I speak to them outside off the record and they normally shít, if they do go out with you say your piece and warn them that you'll take it further, I've only once, maybe twice threatened violence.

20-09-2016 12:11am

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I dated a girl in college who had been bullied in secondary schools, and would go into full-blown superbitch mode during an argument.

Bullying made her a very cold opponent in a dispute. Her insults were shockingly forthright and delivered with deadpan indifference. She could manipulate any situation to make you believe you were always in the wrong, in spite of the facts. I often found myself apologising in arguments that began because she had been late, or was hypersensitive to a comment I made.

Outside those fits of indignation, she'd acknowledge that 'hardening up' in response to a traumatic bullying episode had made her overreach. It occasionally bordered on the sociopathic.

I'm sure you're not like that, but I certainly believe the consequences of bullying on a person can long outlive the actual bullying episode.

I suppose some people withdraw into themselves, and others become tough as nails.

Jeez she actually reminds me of someone i had a brief flirtation with in college a couple of years ago. Smart girl, pretty, but very very highly strung and bossy :pac: Needless to say i never seen myself placing a wedding ring on her finger

20-09-2016 12:14am

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Did we date
It sounds exactly like me. People outside my circle would see me as being quite cold, and I can be, to people I don't care about. Superbitch would be one way of describing it. People I've been with in the past have described arguing with me as though i have this wall around me and nobody gets passed it.

I do think it's fight or flight though. I'm probably a lot more easily irritated and react much quicker because of school. I spent most of primary school badly bullied and when I was moved into a new school in 5th class, I was so withdrawn I wouldn't even answer roll call.

In secondary school I came out of my shell again, and I'm at the point in my life where I chew people up as a form of entertainment. I feel people don't take me seriously, think I'm weak or that I'm a push over but I'm certainly not.

Lexie, you need to relax and enjoy life because you only get one shot at it....leave the conflict to the likes of isis and the north koreans

Most people are good decent people who arent into this shíte of trying to get a rise out of you.

I admire your brutal honesty though i have to say. kudos.

Bullying As An Adult

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