A few short ones

I came home from work yesterday and I saw my wife looking through my encyclopedia.

She said, "How comes it always falls open on the pages with dirty words?"

I said, "That's nothing - on the pages with dirty pictures it doesn't open at all!"

---

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to You?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,

we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,

there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's girlie bits.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

---

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

---

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."