How to be less of a home bird?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 11:40am #1

What do I do?

I am in my comfort zone too much!

I feel I am missing out.

I tend to have my small world and that's it.

I don't feel my friends or family are helping as they have their small worlds and are content to stay at home or just do the same things go to the same places.

I don't feel my world is expanding with my friends. I don't feel I am growing. And we just go to the same places.

I feel i want more.

I am in a rut though myself.

antix80 · 19-07-2019 11:58am

I'd agree. This sort of post is more suited to AH where people will tell you to join the french foreign legion or sell your house and live on a boat.

How is this an issue for you op?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:00pm

antix80 wrote: »

I'd agree. This sort of post is more suited to AH where people will tell you to join the french foreign legion or sell your house and live on a boat.

How is this an issue for you op?

Because it affects me personally and unlike AH this is a safer space..or at least I thought it was.

I think its perhaps your response that belongs in AH if you are honest with yourself.

woodchuck · 19-07-2019 12:02pm

Mod note:

1. Don't reply if you don't have any constructive advice.

2. If you've a problem with a post, report it.

3. OP it would help if you could expand on your issue. Posters won't be able to help you if you don't elaborate a bit.

skallywag · 19-07-2019 12:09pm

With all due respect OP, there is no possible way that anyone is going to be able to offer you any advice whatsoever based on what you have said, because, being honest, you have not actually said anything which has any real content to it.

Nonetheless I will hazard a guess at what your meaning may be.

You say that you do not 'feel that you are growing'. What is stopping you learning something new? e.g. a language, an instrument, getting into some class of hobby, etc.? Is this what you mean?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:14pm

skallywag wrote: »

With all due respect OP, there is no possible way that anyone is going to be able to offer you any advice whatsoever based on what you have said, because, being honest, you have not actually said anything which has any real content to it.

Nonetheless I will hazard a guess at what your meaning may be.

You say that you do not 'feel that you are growing'. What is stopping you learning something new? e.g. a language, an instrument, getting into some class of hobby, etc.? Is this what you mean?

Yes.

But also meeting new people. It feels really claustrophobic.

I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

I feel like i just meet the same type of people over and over again too.

Claustrophobic is REALLY how i feel.

I don't know how to end or break out of that feeling.

I don't know how to find new experiences and people with new perspectives.

I have always taken up the new instrument etc. Or the new language ..and so you kind of meet all of those kinds of people etc.

And now it all feels old.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 19-07-2019 12:16pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

What do I do?

I am in my comfort zone too much!

I feel I am missing out.

I tend to have my small world and that's it.

I don't feel my friends or family are helping as they have their small worlds and are content to stay at home or just do the same things go to the same places.

I don't feel my world is expanding with my friends. I don't feel I am growing. And we just go to the same places.

I feel i want more.

I am in a rut though myself.

Well the most obvious advice would be to take up a new class, or a hobby with a social aspect, something you haven't tried before and which is outside your comfort zone. If you're an indoors gal try hiking or something, if you normally do things in big groups do a small one. Volunteering would be the other big one.

Is there some reason this doesn't apply?

skallywag · 19-07-2019 12:18pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Yes.

What is it though that is stopping you in doing some of the things I mentioned, e.g. language, music, hobby, etc.? Is it that you would would like to be able to do those things but do not fancy putting in the effort to make it happen?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:19pm

Catherine Plain Jawbreaker wrote: »

Is there some reason this doesn't apply?

Its because i am so IN my comfort zone i can't actually imagine what OUTSIDE Of my comfort zone is.

What kind of thing or people would be totally new to me?
Maybe hiking I have done that before though.

Maybe travel?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:21pm

skallywag wrote: »

What is it though that is stopping you in doing some of the things I mentioned, e.g. language, music, hobby, etc.? Is it that you would would like to be able to do those things but do not fancy putting in the effort to make it happen?

I have already done them. And in the end you have to spend time at home to get good at them.

I mean i spent ages learning an instrument....practicing ..at home.

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:22pm

Maybe I could learn about cars ..or boats....or ..weather ...

But also I think there is an emotional barrier to break through.

All stuff I have done before was in my 'me zone'.

I would meet people like me etc who thought similar to me etc.

Arts music etc.

That's not good.

I don't know what to do or where to go or who to meet to expand my horizon.

Maybe i should get out of Dublin?

And I do find it hard meeting new people at first.

skallywag · 19-07-2019 12:25pm

You are coming across as quite incoherent at the moment, so it is pretty difficult to offer any class of meaningful advice.

Perhaps take some time to yourself, have a think about what it is that you really want to say?

yoke · 19-07-2019 12:25pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Maybe I could learn about cars ..or boats....or ..weather ...

Take up a martial art like kickboxing or taekwondo, lots of fitness work and you don’t have to get your nose broken if you don’t want to!

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:27pm

skallywag wrote: »

You are coming across as quite incoherent at the moment, so it is pretty difficult to offer any class of meaningful advice.

Perhaps take some time to yourself, have a think about what it is that you really want to say?

Sorry. But all the things you have mentioned I have done music etc languages.

I feel in fact I only really know and meet people from those areas in life.

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:30pm

yoke wrote: »

Take up a martial art like kickboxing or taekwondo, lots of fitness work and you don’t have to get your nose broken if you don’t want to!

I think fitness would be good for me. I do run already. But I have never joined a proper club.

I don't think i would be fast enough for a club though. In fact i know i am not. But i guess you have to start somewhere?

Any other ideas?

Spiritual retreats?

New hip clubs??

Crazy ideas you have?
Galleries?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 19-07-2019 12:32pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its because i am so IN my comfort zone i can't actually imagine what OUTSIDE Of my comfort zone is.

What kind of thing or people would be totally new to me?
Maybe hiking I have done that before though.

Maybe travel?

Look at classes available near you, or events coming up. When you see one that you think would be challenging and novel go to it. There'll be plenty of evening classes starting soon. Volunteering would be an excellent way to do this while doing some good, there's a Volunteering Ireland website which always has an extensive list of open projects requiring volunteers, from sheer boots-on-the-ground stuff to quite specialised.

People can't really tell you what kind of thing would be totally new to you, that's going to require a bit of reflection on your part. I guess you could ask a friend "what's the last thing you could imagine me doing?"

If you want specific ideas of out there stuff to do AH is probably a more productive place to ask this.

yoke · 19-07-2019 12:34pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I think fitness would be good for me. I do run already. But I have never joined a proper club.

I don't think i would be fast enough for a club though. In fact i know i am not. But i guess you have to start somewhere?

Any other ideas?

Spiritual retreats?

New hip clubs??

Crazy ideas you have?
Galleries?

Everyone has to start somewhere. Even the best MMA fighters were beginners once, and clueless.
One things for certain, if you don’t start, you won’t get good.

The trap you’re falling into is, only considering things you’re already good at - eg. running. The point of this thread is to find something youve not done before, right? ðŸ˜€

rubberdungeon · 19-07-2019 12:37pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Maybe I could learn about cars ..or boats....or ..weather ...

But also I think there is an emotional barrier to break through.

All stuff I have done before was in my 'me zone'.

I would meet people like me etc who thought similar to me etc.

Arts music etc.

That's not good.

I don't know what to do or where to go or who to meet to expand my horizon.

Maybe i should get out of Dublin?

And I do find it hard meeting new people at first.

Would you consider giving some of your time to a volunteer organisation, you could learn some new skills at the same time.

Something like the Red Cross, Order of Malta, a homeless organisation, a soup kitchen, a youth organisation like Foróige or something else in a community type idea that interests you.

There’s websites that you can look for volunteering opportunities in Ireland or abroad, they will come up in google. You might find something that gives of your time and you grows your mind and skills.

If that doesn’t appeal to you what about looking through some of the options on the meet up website they have lots of different things you could try or in September have a look at your local area for courses that run in the community or schools in the evening. If you have a local library, that’s worth a look too.

Good luck!

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:37pm

Catherine Plain Jawbreaker wrote: »

Look at classes available near you, or events coming up. When you see one that you think would be challenging and novel go to it. There'll be plenty of evening classes starting soon. Volunteering would be an excellent way to do this while doing some good, there's a Volunteering Ireland website which always has an extensive list of open projects requiring volunteers, from sheer boots-on-the-ground stuff to quite specialised.

People can't really tell you what kind of thing would be totally new to you, that's going to require a bit of reflection on your part. I guess you could ask a friend "what's the last thing you could imagine me doing?"

If you want specific ideas of out there stuff to do AH is probably a more productive place to ask this.

I don't want to ask in AH. I know people will be mean. I don't want that.

I think i will maybe look up stuff outside of my area. I am sick of seeing the same places all the time.

Thank you.

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:39pm

Maybe I could do a wine or gin tasting.

antix80 · 19-07-2019 12:40pm

Op, have you ever taught? Whether teaching someone to speak a language or play an instrument?

Humour Me · 19-07-2019 12:46pm

I wonder are you just looking to meet new people, or are you actually looking to develop more friendships? Jumping between different activities where you only spend a short amount of time together isn’t going suddenly open new friendship circles, you need to put some work into it.

Start with what you already have, for example work. Do you have many friends there? Do you make an effort to be friendly with the people you interact with regularly? Do you make an effort to chat or have a coffee break?

You say your friends go to the same places all the time, can you suggest other options?

Joining clubs can be a great way to meet people, but you have to stick with it and develop the friendships.

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:47pm

[PHP][/PHP]

antix80 wrote: »

Op, have you ever taught? Whether teaching someone to speak a language or play an instrument?

No.

You have to find a student for that though. And have a room to teach etc.

Interesting idea though.

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:50pm

You say your friends go to the same places all the time, can you suggest other options?

They are not really into it. Its generally not a goer.

I am not gonna lie people at work get on my nerves possible for no other reason than they are the people at work if you know what i mean.

I think I need a social change of air from that place too ..everyone does really from their work place. Or maybe some people find their work colleagues very meaningful and stimulating company. But i don't.

Not even sure we are meant to be having that kind of relationship.

All i know is if something doesn't change this claustrophobia will turn to loneliness and i will have regrets.

ongarboy · 19-07-2019 12:55pm

If your circumstances allow it, would you consider moving abroad for a year (eg a one year visa to Australia)? If you are under the age of 35 for which you are eligible for the Working Holiday Visa in Oz, have no family or dependent commitments, and are not already embarking on your dream career job, I'd say go for it. I went over to Oz on a one year visa years ago around turn of millennium and it was the best decision I ever made. There so many solo travelers there from UK, Ireland, Canada, elsewhere etc so you wouldn't need to feel you needed a companion and you actually make more friends solo then you do travelling in packs. You share rooms in rented accommodation and make friends with housemates, other back packers, fellow workers in the temp jobs you worked in and also connect/get introduced to friends of friends etc. It involved experiencing a completely different culture and visiting so many places. Most of my siblings and many of my friends did the same and we all agree it was the best decision we ever made. Yes, you may experience a little homesickness at the start or at Christmas and endure a few culture shocks but that is all part of the experience and will make you stronger and more broad minded as a person.

You can look for many excuses as possible to remain a home bird but an equal number not to. The choice is yours!!

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 12:59pm

ongarboy wrote: »

If your circumstances allow it, would you consider moving abroad for a year (eg a one year visa to Australia)? If you are under the age of 35 for which you are eligible for the Working Holiday Visa in Oz, have no family or dependent commitments, and are not already embarking on your dream career job, I'd say go for it. I went over to Oz on a one year visa years ago around turn of millennium and it was the best decision I ever made. There so many solo travelers there from UK, Ireland, Canada, elsewhere etc so you wouldn't need to feel you needed a companion and you actually make more friends solo then you do travelling in packs. You share rooms in rented accommodation and make friends with housemates, other back packers, fellow workers in the temp jobs you worked in and also connect/get introduced to friends of friends etc. It involved experiencing a completely different culture and visiting so many places. Most of my siblings and many of my friends did the same and we all agree it was the best decision we ever made. Yes, you may experience a little homesickness at the start or at Christmas and endure a few culture shocks but that is all part of the experience and will make you stronger and more broad minded as a person.

You can look for many excuses as possible to remain a home bird but an equal number not to. The choice is yours!!

That might be cool.

I wish i could say volunteering right now would feel satisfactory. Not sure it would though. I know that seems selfish. But someone said earlier i was incoherent. I notice when i am mot incoherent it usually means i am being my most emotionally honest.

I think I want to be more daring. Break the rules!

wiggle16 · 19-07-2019 1:02pm

The one and only thing that is coming across from your posts is that you don't know what you want and that you don't really know why you feel like you want something either.

Like you have yourself suggested about 20 different solutions or activities over the course of this thread, all very different.

I suppose I'd ask, why do you feel the need to do something? What is it that you're trying to change? What needs would you serve by making changes?

ILoveYourVibes · 19-07-2019 1:09pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

The one and only thing that is coming across from your posts is that you don't know what you want and that you don't really know why you feel like you want something either.

I don't know what i want. I do know why I want it.

Like you have yourself suggested about 20 different solutions or activities over the course of this thread, all very different.

I suppose I'd ask, why do you feel the need to do something? What is it that you're trying to change? What needs would you serve by making changes?

I am someone who needs change. I feel the need to do something because I do.

I was thinking of collaborating with a photographer for something we had discussed.

I am sorry guys I don't mean to be difficult. But even discussing this is making me feel better. I have been kind of keep this feeling in to myself. And that didn't feel too good.

UPDATE of a sort

I also think before in periods of my life I wasn't setting good boundaries concerning WHO I let into my life. I wasn't thinking is this person GOOD for me etc. I think that led me to bad experiences which left me sort of shy of people. I need to let that go. And only let good people into my life who are good to me.

20-07-2019 2:31am

At least you're meeting people though..I'd kind of be in a quite similar position..just a unfortunate couple of years and I think I've kind of ended up with PTSD or something along those lines..I'm like, really awkward around people now, and the anxiety is chronic..
I don't know what to suggest to you really..I hope you get to a better place though..

ILoveYourVibes · 20-07-2019 4:57am

Deleted User wrote: »

At least you're meeting people though..I'd kind of be in a quite similar position..just a unfortunate couple of years and I think I've kind of ended up with PTSD or something along those lines..I'm like, really awkward around people now, and the anxiety is chronic..
I don't know what to suggest to you really..I hope you get to a better place though..

Im really sorry QDC i hope that improves for you. I am sure it will pass and things will improve. Just hang in there

pwurple · 20-07-2019 6:25am

You sound a bit bored and directionless OP, like you are looking for purpose.

Everyone needs to feel productive at some stage I think, I know I do. I generally get that sense of productivity from a few places.

Work. This is the main one for me, I love my job and it feels productive most of the time. When it doesn’t, I get frustrated and end up coming home looking to MAKE something. Woodwork, baking, sewing, anything! something small but with that immediate buzz of creation.

Family. You don’t give an indication of whether you have a spouse or kids, siblings, parents around... but spending time on all those relationships is good.

Home. Do you have a house to maintain, or a financial plan or target around that?

Personal development. You say you have done courses, but don’t seem to have any aim other than passing time. You could put a plan together, to get an extra cert or something to progress at work. Or do a course to enable something afterwards.... so, think along these lines... I want to do this gardening course so that I can build a garden for x purpose ( family to relax in, veg to grow). Or, I want to take a writing class so I can tell my grandparents story. I want to take a running class so I can complete a leg of the marathon. I want to do a management course to apply for a new role at work.

Community. This is why people suggested volunteering, it gives great sense of belonging. List your skills, and think about where you might fit in.

I am a huge fan of the five year plan and visualizing where I want to be... then figuring our how to get there. have you ever tried that?

Faith · 20-07-2019 8:40am

You sound like you just bounce from thing to thing and never actually experience anything. You very dismissively say you’ve learned languages and to play musical instruments. How many languages do you speak fluently? Or do you mean you’ve just taken a few classes and quit? If you play instruments, are you in bands etc?

Honestly, it sounds like what you need most is mindfulness. Learning to be fully present and fully engaged in the present moment would be a valuable skill you need. It might stop you constantly bouncing around looking for external fulfilment and help you learn that that comes from within.

Budawanny · 20-07-2019 8:49am

Rather than pick an activity that’s new, pick a challenge. Life is more fun when you set yourself a goal and achieve it. The journey to the challenge will lead you to new people and experiences.
Examples, cycle the Wicklow 200. Hike to Everest base camp.

boredatwork82 · 20-07-2019 10:09am

Solo travel. Far away for 2 or 3 weeks.

It will force you have to live and connect with people outside your bubble.

I did it years ago, and while it was tough for the first week or so I grew to love it.

Graces7 · 20-07-2019 3:58pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Sorry. But all the things you have mentioned I have done music etc languages.

I feel in fact I only really know and meet people from those areas in life.

How about some voluntary work? To take you out of the place you are in?

qwerty13 · 21-07-2019 4:31am

Maybe it’s just the way you write, but your posts come across as very disjointed, and one thought hopping into your head, then another, without you being finished expressing your first thought.

Do you think you might be treating things that you might be interested in in the same way? - hopping from one thing you’ve tried, to the next and the next one, without giving any of them a fair go?

If you’re suggesting things to your friends as a vague “let’s do something different”, well that’s probably not going to work. You need to come up with a plan, as in “there’s x thing on that I’d like to go”. In my experience, most friends would go along with that, whereas a vague “I just want to do/go somewhere different” will probably not happen.

You spoke about moving somewhere else. A relocation isn’t going to magically solve a problem that you have with your ability to feel fulfilled. That old expression about “bringing yourself with you wherever you go” is pretty accurate in my opinion

21-07-2019 11:07pm

OP, most of the activities you've talked about are learning-related. I know some people here have suggested you challenge yourself, broaden your horizons etc., but I'd actually advise the opposite.

Go find some activities that don't involve concentration, commitment, or the ambition to master something. Go find something that's just fun for the sake of fun. That's where you'll find differently minded people. I don't know if you've looked at meetup.com, but I feel like most of those activities are all driven by people who are looking at self-development. You don't need self-development, you need to learn how to enjoy yourself again.

Check out 'interested in' notifications in facebook. You might be surprised at people in your network that are going to events near you. It could even be a way to reconnect with people you haven't seen in a long time, who themselves have grown and changed and come with a bunch of new people you could meet and have an easy 'in' with.

milli milli · 22-07-2019 4:39pm

OP I am getting from your posts that you need a total change of scenery and I don’t think picking up a new hobby will fulfill this.
As someone else suggested, traveling or going to live in another country for a while would tick many of your boxes - new people, new experiences, out of your comfort zone, etc.
I understand about needing change in your life. Changes and challenges help us grow. Traveling would definitely shake things up for you!

How to be less of a home bird?

Comments