Christmas & Covid

LegacyUser · 03-12-2020 10:08am #1

hi,

Going unreg for this.

Have a big dilemma over Christmas in these horrible, horrible times. My partner is very anxious over Covid, I've struggled on with it, I feel like we've missed out on so many things the last 9 months. I take the precautions, I'm not stupid, but I'm not in total fear of it either.

For Christmas (with her family), my partner expects everyone else to "isolate" for 10 days before Christmas. My partner is of the idea that someone meeting their friends would be 'reckless' and 'kill' their elderly relatives. Now this started off as 7 days, then a nurse in the family suggested 10, because Science. I find this absolute overkill. But work is fine. Kids can attend school and creche, and family members hospitals and schools. But I've been told I can't see my friends or family after a date 10 days before Christmas. If i do or want to, then I can't attend Christmas.

I feel like I've made every sacrifice for my partner. I have seen one of my friends once in 9 months, that's it. I haven't been in any family members house since February. Other people in my partner's family have gone on holidays, constantly going getting pissed with their friends, and generally not taking things seriously. Now before Xmas apparently me meeting friends in a restaurant is completely unsafe and unacceptable. At this stage, all I want is Christmas to be over. I'm seeing it as a great big charade, I'm jealous looking around at work colleagues and friends who actually get to live their life and see people.

bertiebomber · 03-12-2020 11:39am

wow the power of fear thats how this covid works. My 78 yr old mother goes to the supermarket masked and gloved has done since february every week. I shop cycle and meet an odd friend maybe every fortnight masked and gloved no problem. YOu have to bite the bullet and let her live her way but tell her you have your right s too.

Sardonicat · 03-12-2020 12:35pm

Elderly people are at much greater risk of dying from Covid. That is not overkill, that is a fact if you are going to visit elderly people over Christmas you do so with a face mask and 2 metres distance for a short period If staying for longer, sharing a meal etc and looking for something like normality for the older person, then isolate. It's one Christmas in your hopefully long life with many more to come. For them it may be their last. Is it too much to ask to sacrifice meet ups to bring a bit if life and happiness to older people after such a long time with such restricted lives? I've spent 9 months in lock down with my Dad to reduce his risk of getting it. Now I'm dealing with relatives who want to ignore the restrictions on house visits. We are so close to getting the vulnerable vaccinated. Wouldn't it be awful after so long in lock down one of us was responsible for infecting an older person with Covid just as they were about to get their life back?

SusieBlue · 03-12-2020 12:49pm

Are there any government guidelines about isolating for 10 days before seeing family at Christmas? I don’t recall seeing this being recommended anywhere.

I don’t think she’s being very reasonable and I think expecting everyone to isolate for 10 days is overkill. It’s much safer to see a friend outdoors or in a controlled environment like a restaurant than to go visiting houses, so I think the risk would be extremely low so long as you took precautions, washed hands and kept distance etc.
I don’t think you wanting to meeting up with a friend or two is selfish or asking for too much.

It isn’t fair for her to allude that you meeting one friend for lunch will cause the untimely death of her elderly parents either, that’s just pure manipulation, scaremongering and totally melodramatic to be honest.

It’s been a tough year for everyone and I think so long as you are being cautious and sensible you should be able to have some small bit of release after living like this for the last 9 months.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2020 2:28pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Elderly people are at much greater risk of dying from Covid. That is not overkill, that is a fact if you are going to visit elderly people over Christmas you do so with a face mask and 2 metres distance for a short period If staying for longer, sharing a meal etc and looking for something like normality for the older person, then isolate. It's one Christmas in your hopefully long life with many more to come. For them it may be their last. Is it too much to ask to sacrifice meet ups to bring a bit if life and happiness to older people after such a long time with such restricted lives? I've spent 9 months in lock down with my Dad to reduce his risk of getting it. Now I'm dealing with relatives who want to ignore the restrictions on house visits. We are so close to getting the vulnerable vaccinated. Wouldn't it be awful after so long in lock down one of us was responsible for infecting an older person with Covid just as they were about to get their life back?

That's what you think, fair enough. I've basically lost the last 9 months of social interaction. The only people I've seen in this time is my partner, their family, and one of my friends (once). I'm only asking for one break to have some social contact once before Xmas. When won't my life be restricted? Do I have to I isolate forever at the age of 24 because my partner is an anxious wreck and thinks that me having social contact will kill relatives? When do I end my personal 'lockdown' that would keep a thereotical elderly person who I won't be near? Can I never see someone for fear that someone elderly could be infected??

I get that I'm absolutely venting and ranting here but I'm so lonely, I can't take it any more. I miss my family, my friends, I miss being inside around anyone else.

Mollyb60 · 03-12-2020 2:59pm

Each to their own of course but I'll be self isolating for the 2 weeks before I head home for christmas. Once I'm home I won't be meeting up with any of the usual people I see over christmas. It's crappy but that's just the way it has to be this year. It's just one year and I can make that sacrifice for my at-risk parents and my very elderly grandmother.

I think it's a responsible thing your partner is doing but there is absolutely no way for her to guarantee that everyone else going to the family christmas will go along with the isolation. I think it's a bit naive of her to expect everyone to comply with that.
You've said she's anxious about Covid, is it really that big a deal for you to just hold off on socialising for her sake? If you really want to meet up with friends how about doing that after christmas? This is a ****ty situation for everyone and we all need to cut each other some slack. I'm sure your friends would understand.

Batgurl · 03-12-2020 3:50pm

Your partner sounds controlling. And I say that as someone who was acting just like her during the first few months of Covid.

I was paranoid about catching it. And passing it on to others. I was worried my partner would give it to me. And then I had an epiphany and realised I couldn’t control everyone. In fact, I couldn’t control anyone. I could only control my own actions and take responsibility for myself. Honestly, it was freeing.

I know people who haven’t left the house in 14 days who have tested positive and I know people who’ve been breaching guidelines left, right and centre who haven’t. When you accept that that doesn’t make sense, you start to accept things you can’t control.

I’d advise you to tell your partner to decide what she wants to do for herself, and to trust you to make good decisions for yourself. If she can’t do that, it speaks volumes to what she thinks of you.

If she is the same age as you (24), her parents cant be that old. How does she feel about you visiting your family at Christmas?

Neyite · 03-12-2020 3:54pm

I'm afraid that I'm in the same situation as your partner. We've someone vulnerable coming for Christmas and we all will be isolating for 10 days beforehand to the point I'm homeschooling those days and only using local and online shops.

Having said that, I discussed it with my partner, and he freely chose to prioritise my relative over seeing his family (who live down the road) for the entire Christmas because it's been a very lonely year for anyone who had to cocoon and he wants to do that.

Is it a possibility that you just go do your thing for Christmas at a different location and your partner do whatever she feels she needs to do? I think you need that by the sounds of it. It's fine for her with her family nearby but those of us who have been away from them and followed all the rules are missing that crucial social contact and for your own mental well being it might do some good to just have Christmas with your own families once.

The other thing is that if her own relatives were picking and choosing what covid rules they adhered to, she's very unlikely to get them to agree to it also or they'll just do it behind her back anyway.

Calypso Realm · 03-12-2020 3:56pm

OP Why don't you just meet your friend/friends in the days before the 10-day isolation period?

Additionally you might be able to arrange a test (look into the details of exactly when and how long before you would require it) before Christmas Day.

I have to say I would love to have an event to look forward to where for once, I might be reasonably confident it was a Covid-free one, for a change!

strandroad · 03-12-2020 4:29pm

With elderly relatives around to isolate beforehand is the right thing to do - but if it's too much of a sacrifice for you after such difficult year, can you spend this time differently this year, go visit your family or friends for the duration if they are not vulnerable? It's not a normal year, no one should hold it against you and you will be able to socialise with the people you miss.

Whatever you choose to do, I wouldn't put myself in one room with elderly folk without isolation period, I couldn't bear it if I brought it to them.

ztoical · 03-12-2020 4:43pm

Why don't you go spend Xmas with your family OP? If you've spent time with her family during the past 9 months but not seen your own why would you be spending Xmas with her family?

Dial Hard · 03-12-2020 5:18pm

You're only 24?

Go and spend Christmas with your own family and let her go to hers. Plenty of time to be doing the joint Christmases in years to come.

TheadoreT · 03-12-2020 5:36pm

The truth of it is we're going to lose a lot of elderly over christmas just so we can have some dry turkey and brussel sprouts together.

Probably best to just avoid it altogether and do your own thing with less vulnerable people.

04-12-2020 1:34pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

Are there any government guidelines about isolating for 10 days before seeing family at Christmas? I don’t recall seeing this being recommended anywhere.

I don’t think she’s being very reasonable and I think expecting everyone to isolate for 10 days is overkill. It’s much safer to see a friend outdoors or in a controlled environment like a restaurant than to go visiting houses, so I think the risk would be extremely low so long as you took precautions, washed hands and kept distance etc.
I don’t think you wanting to meeting up with a friend or two is selfish or asking for too much.

It isn’t fair for her to allude that you meeting one friend for lunch will cause the untimely death of her elderly parents either, that’s just pure manipulation, scaremongering and totally melodramatic to be honest.

It’s been a tough year for everyone and I think so long as you are being cautious and sensible you should be able to have some small bit of release after living like this for the last 9 months.

Interesting outlook. I'm relatively relaxed with restrictions but I would have thought reducing contacts for 10 days before meeting up with extended family would be a no-brainer. I don't need government guidelines to tell me that. Perfect excuse to skip the work Christmas party :pac:

After Christmas, I'll be far more relaxed knowing I won't be spending time with elderly relatives.

SusieBlue · 04-12-2020 2:18pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Interesting outlook. I'm relatively relaxed with restrictions but I would have thought reducing contacts for 10 days before meeting up with extended family would be a no-brainer. I don't need government guidelines to tell me that. Perfect excuse to skip the work Christmas party :pac:

After Christmas, I'll be far more relaxed knowing I won't be spending time with elderly relatives.

But she isn’t asking him to reduce contacts (which is more than reasonable), she’s asking him to completely self isolate and not see anyone for 10 days, even in outdoor settings, before meeting her elderly relatives over Christmas.
He’s only 24 and has only met up with one friend once since March, and hasn’t even been inside the door of his own family’s house since February at her request because she is so terrified of the virus.
I think that’s too much to ask of OP after all he has sacrificed, and I don’t think him wanting to meeting a friend or two for lunch over Christmas is reckless or selfish at all.

YellowLead · 04-12-2020 2:21pm

I feel like no contact with anybody at all is overkill. You should be able to meet a friend for a walk / coffee esp if outdoors and distanced - this is allowed. I understand her concern for elderly relatives - I won’t be socialising for 10 days before Christmas so as to not put my mother at risk for example.
I guess it’s up to you at the end of the day - she has a right to insist you isolate if you are going to see her family but you could always do Christmas without her and her family if it bothers you that much.
it could be a sign of other disagreements to come...you might have very different personality types. However - If you love her you’ll just have to play ball. I am sure you have tried talking to her to tell her these measures are a little extreme and she doesn’t understand your point of view? You don’t need to go crazy and go to house parties, but you can do socially distanced activities.

04-12-2020 3:02pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

But she isn’t asking him to reduce contacts (which is more than reasonable), she’s asking him to completely self isolate and not see anyone for 10 days, even in outdoor settings, before meeting her elderly relatives over Christmas.
He’s only 24 and has only met up with one friend once since March, and hasn’t even been inside the door of his own family’s house since February at her request because she is so terrified of the virus.
I think that’s too much to ask of OP after all he has sacrificed, and I don’t think him wanting to meeting a friend or two for lunch over Christmas is reckless or selfish at all.

Fair enough. Before meeting elderly family is exactly when you should not be meeting people imo. He's done 9 months already, what's another few weeks. My advice is, after the weekend of 12th/13th, to not meet anyone until after Christmas. I'll be doing it myself but it's not a big deal for me as I'm not that social. Then afterwards I'll be throwing caution to the wind.

Calypso Realm · 04-12-2020 3:33pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

You're only 24?

Go and spend Christmas with your own family and let her go to hers. Plenty of time to be doing the joint Christmases in years to come.

Yes while I certainly agree, if the OP lives with his girlfriend-something not entirely clear from his post- wouldn't that cause logiistical problems in that he'd risk transmitting the virus to her, if he's socialising outside the household? Of course a lot would depend on where he lives and who he meets and where, but even so there is still an element of risk, however small.

Even if they're not cohabiting they'd still have to keep physical contact to a minimum in the interiim period.

LegacyUser · 04-12-2020 3:46pm

Look OP, you’re 24 and haven’t spent time with your family all year. Seriously, go home to them for Christmas. Put yourself and your family first for once this year. Meet your friend, take care of your own mental health.

My partner is similar to yours, very worried about the virus and expects everyone to do everything their way. My parents are elderly and self-isolated during the first lockdown completely and after it. We were doing the same. I visited my parents and prior to it had a massive argument with my partner. They didn’t want me visiting or going inside my parent’s house. Keep in mind that we had all been isolating for months. Typically of my partner’s family, they we’re doing nothing of the sort and weren’t taking precautions at all. That was different though. I was told to self-isolate for two weeks prior to Christmas to protect them. Not a hope am I doing that. I will be visiting my own parents because my partner’s brother and family are flying here a few days before Christmas and they visited last weekend. No isolation, no testing.

It’s easy for anxious people to control those nearest to them. My partner does suffer from anxiety and one of the ways that this plays out is them trying to control everything, especially me. I have learned that I have to do what I want and what’s good for me. Not that I am reckless but honestly, stuff like driving long distance for work makes them anxious so they put pressure on me to call in sick. It’s insane and I would be insane and isolated if I let them get their own way.

Essentially, meet your friends and take care of your relationship with your family. It’s all well and good to say that if you love them, do it, but if they love you, they’ll understand that you want to do other stuff at Christmas.

cannotlogin · 04-12-2020 7:01pm

It's one thing to isolate by choice (I'm doing it for reasons I won't get into here but it's my decision & I know it's not going to have a negative impact on me). It is an entirely different thing to have it forced upon you, especially when you are being very sensible and selective. It's not as if you are planning a house party or a lot of nights out.

I know it probably sounds patronizing but I hope it doesn't...you are 24 and at 24 you need to be 24. You need to make your own choices, you need to do what's best for you. I had an ex with anxiety & it nearly drove me to insanity at the end. You want to do the best thing to support them but far too often you end up sacrificing yourself as a result. It's one friend and you haven't seen many. Meet him and celebrate with your own family this year.

Purple Mountain · 04-12-2020 7:08pm

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Yes while I certainly agree, if the OP lives with his girlfriend-something not entirely clear from his post- wouldn't that cause logiistical problems in that he'd risk transmitting the virus to her, if he's socialising outside the household? Of course a lot would depend on where he lives and who he meets and where, but even so there is still an element of risk, however small.

Even if they're not cohabiting they'd still have to keep physical contact to a minimum in the interiim period.

But the op has said, his partner's family,who will be attending the family dinner have been flouting the restrictions themselves. So both the op, partner and elderly parent are vulnerable to those people also.
OP, I agree, go visit your own family but you know yourself, be responsible.

Calypso Realm · 05-12-2020 11:27am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

But the op has said, his partner's family,who will be attending the family dinner have been flouting the restrictions themselves. So both the op, partner and elderly parent are vulnerable to those people also.
OP, I agree, go visit your own family but you know yourself, be responsible.

I was referring specifically to the 10-day period in the run up to Christmas Day.

Jequ0n · 05-12-2020 12:11pm

Op does your partner have any other signs of OCD?
That carry on is just not normal, especially with people going into work/ school and others being told to self isolate. Completely defeats the purpose and reminds me a lot of ocd sufferers I have met before and who tried to make the world their needs.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-12-2020 9:48pm

We aren't spending Christmas with anyone this year.

Its just one year.

Christmas & Covid

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