Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Lies and relationships

Options
  • 25-11-2020 12:47am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have a problem with lying. I tend to feel inferior and want to hide things or exaggerate things to kind of get on par with people or ahead in certain cases.

    I am highly intelligent.
    Excellent in my field.
    I would consider myself good looking.
    I have achieved a lot for myself.
    I always put other people first be it in one way or another.

    But I avoid conflict. Case in point is I am seeing a girl at the moment and she knows of my past (failed relationships, lies, cheating) and she has given me a chance to come clean and work on things together.

    I can say here that I am fully committed to this person or so I thought? I have been dealing with things from my past when they arise and if im confident I present them to her and go from there. If not I tend to ignore them and hope they go away. its obviously not working as we are back to square one since I tried to hide something from her.

    She is telling me im very very close to losing her. I went over tonight and said this is how it is and I am afraid of conflict so I avoid certain things as to progress.. Its still a lie imo.

    I know its bad after it blows up in my face and im left trying to show this girl what she is worth. I want to give my all to her and press forward in life with her. Until I do give everything and stop fearing the flashback im stuck in a loop.

    I am attending CBT weekly and doing really well in certain aspects (understanding emotions, dealing with anger, forgiving myself over past mistakes) and now im at this point where I will lose everything if I dont stop my lies.

    It seems to only be a period of 10 years all involving relationships. I never really lied to my friends up until recently and I Have since come clean with them and been forgiven.

    I told her tonight I am done. I can't go down a toxic road anymore If I want a chance at being somewhat human with her.

    Is it just a case of day by day realising I'm being truthful and rebuilding what I broke truthfully?

    I am trying to disclose everything yet seem to avoid the details that flash back..

    Is there ever an end to it? I mean a white lie in work blah blah.. Do I just need to be black and white and thats that.

    Apologies more of a rant than a question but I am feeling hopeless


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    How long are you seeing her? And why do you have to disclose everything?

    I get what your saying that you don't have healthy thought patterns and you lie and exaggerate things. But I also don't see why this woman needs to know every detail of past relationships. She's in a relationship with you NOW. She accepts that and works from this point forward. She doesn't get to keep dragging up stuff from before you were ever met and demand to be told everything.

    I think this one isn't for you. Continue to work on yourself, but maybe let this one go.


  • Options
    #3
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,062 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Nobody should demand full disclosure of your past from you. In fact I’d even consider this controlling and I can guarantee you that it would make me lie far more.

    The past is in the past, she should be focussed on the here and now.
    Maybe it’s because I have enough skeletons in my closet, but there is not a chance in hell I’d agree to such a deal with the devil.

    Give yourself some credit for the things you have fixed/ improved and don’t let the negative attitude pressure you into reverting


  • Options
    #4
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    OP, your post is all over the place. What do you mean by lying? Avoiding conflict? Can you give some real-life examples of the type of lies you've told, or uncomfortable situations that you've avoided?
    I can say here that I am fully committed to this person or so I thought? I have been dealing with things from my past when they arise and if im confident I present them to her and go from there. If not I tend to ignore them and hope they go away. its obviously not working as we are back to square one since I tried to hide something from her.

    What are these things from your past? Why would you need to "present" them to your girlfriend? She's not your therapist. You can work through your personal issues with a professional in a therapeutic environment without needing to offer full disclosure of said issues in your relationships too. That's what healthy boundaries are.


Advertisement