Another relationship thread

LegacyUser · 14-11-2020 9:49pm #1

Hey Guys,

So just looking for some advice or anything really.

I am mid thirties who has always been afraid of sex since I was teenager I've been afraid of being judged for inexperience I am very hard on myself especially in my younger years and let this fear rule my life. Which leads me into the situation I am in now.

I've went to relationship coaches, counselors and alternative coaches; this has helped me to build up my self development, personal development I am quite aware of self, with a good level of self esteem and confidence and generally am happy in my life.

I am a female who is used to being around men, working in male dominant work environments and hobbies; where I am seen as one of the lads.

This has not helped me overcome this issue I seem to have around sex. Online dating I get very little interest even when I make a first move. On nights out its just drunk guys looking for sex and who get nasty when I express I don't want to just sleep with them etc.

Its hard at times to keep the confidence going and not think that there is something wrong with me that guys aren't into

I want to date but I really dont know whats up with me, I have asked people around me and they are like you just need to get to know a guy first and then it will develop.

Any help??

TheadoreT · 15-11-2020 12:00am

I don't really think theres any onus of "performance" on a woman during sex, most guys would just be happy they're having it to care. And besides theres no wrong way of doing, just go with the flow and have fun.

If you're uptight and tentative about it you probably wont enjoy it yourself though so finding someone you're comfortable with probably the key.

Maybe broaden your swiping horizons on dating sites. The ones you're probably really attracted to are likely the ones that thousands of other women are too. The other guys(majority) are likely to be nicer and more grateful and probably the right sort of guy for your lifestyle, and you may surprise yourself that attraction builds with rapport.

zoobizoo · 15-11-2020 10:03am

Did you ever think about joining a dating agency?

You'd get to meet people who are interested in meeting someone AND you'd get dating experience.

Airyfairy12 · 15-11-2020 10:11pm

Theres nothing wrong with you, what youve described is modern dating! Its a nightmare, I was only messaging a man recently who I felt I was getting along with until he went radio silent when I refused to go to his house at 1am to 'share a bottle of wine'. The last man was the exact same, the man before him was flaky and despite texting for 3 months, we never met, he let me down every time and didnt even bother to tell me he wouldnt be showing up for the date. The man before him I was seeing for 2 months, was a narcissist and got pissy when I ran for the hills.
Ive been single for almost 6 years, my last boyfriend was abusive and a serial cheat.
Im not perfect but im attractive, educated, smart(ish), ive hobbies and im a nice person. Majority of my female friends are the very same and if theyre in relationships theyre rarely happy and tbh most have just settled and dont even love their partners, they put up with them.
Its incredibly hard to find someone whose nice, emotionally mature, genuine and not just looking for sex.

To add this, in my experience, I get the impression that allot of men are expecting perfection and an awful lot of men are very shallow and superficial, its like they want and expect a girlfriend that looks like Kim Kardashian even when theyre no where near that level of attractive themselves.
Ive really learned over my 20's and early 30's that men dont care how nice of a person you are, how genuine you are, your hobbies or anything else, they judge you on your social media, want you to have the perfect body and look good to their friends and family. Its draining and these are unrealistic standards for most people.
Dont question your self worth on what men think of you or you will forever be questioning yourself.

tjhook · 22-11-2020 1:16am

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

To add this, in my experience, I get the impression that allot of men are expecting perfection and an awful lot of men are very shallow and superficial, its like they want and expect a girlfriend that looks like Kim Kardashian even when theyre no where near that level of attractive themselves.
Ive really learned over my 20's and early 30's that men dont care how nice of a person you are, how genuine you are, your hobbies or anything else, they judge you on your social media, want you to have the perfect body and look good to their friends and family. Its draining and these are unrealistic standards for most people.

AF, I fear your personal experiences have given you a very negative opinion of half of the country's population (the male half). I'd say to you and to the OP that while "dating" was never easy in this country, I'd agree with you both that it's painful now for both males and females. I've little knowledge of the reality of online dating except that both the concept and implementation appear to have been designed by sadists for narcissists.

OP, as a male, and I hope I don't sound creepy, I'd never have found "inexperience" to be a turn-off in a potential partner. If anything, I'd have seen it as an asset, possibly a refreshing change from the jaded cynicism that people can sometimes have. It's no reason to view yourself in a negative light.

You've done the right thing in seeing to yourself first. Developing your confidence, becoming happy with yourself. And the fact that you're comfortable in the company of men is half the battle.

The piece that sticks out for me is where you say of yourself "I am seen as one of the lads". That's fine in a professional context. In a social context, have you had an interest in any of the guys you've met? If so, did you express that in any way? It takes no small amount of courage to approach a woman cold, especially when men are told that they have no right to their time or politeness. Generalising somewhat, the traits that allow a man not to care about being rudely kicked back may be traits that make him unsuitable for you. And these men may be the ones more likely to put themselves out there. If you like somebody, a little flirting (and not banter as one of the lads) may be reciprocated and lead somewhere.

OP, I'd wish you good luck but I don't think you'll need it. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders and a great attitude. It'll happen for you.

kob29 · 24-11-2020 4:55pm

OP, dont rule out online stuff. Can relate to a lot of what you posted. Try this, write profiles which describe you, interests etc...then state specifically, nicely and humorously what you're not interested in...fcuk buddies, one night stands....whatever....you may get some backlash but it will rule out most of what you want to filter out.
The experience thing, irrespective of age is really not a dealbreaker, nor an issue when you click with someone....no harm in having an 'ick' factor around sex with someone you're not interested in or attracted to. It'll be fun with someone who ticks your boxes but it wont be all that things are about with that person, just one part of the jigsaw.

Thelonious Monk · 24-11-2020 9:29pm

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Ive really learned over my 20's and early 30's that men dont care how nice of a person you are, how genuine you are, your hobbies or anything else, they judge you on your social media, want you to have the perfect body and look good to their friends and family. Its draining and these are unrealistic standards for most people.
Dont question your self worth on what men think of you or you will forever be questioning yourself.

With that ridiculously narrow minded attitude towards men I wouldn't want anything to do with you anyway. Bitterness is really unattractive.

Ella281 · 24-11-2020 9:46pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

With that ridiculously narrow minded attitude towards men I wouldn't want anything to do with you anyway. Bitterness is really unattractive.

I’m sorry monk, but I have to agree with airy fairy.
That is exactly what is happening in dating at the moment. And it is horrible.

It’s not bitterness - it’s saying it how it is.

99nsr125 · 24-11-2020 9:59pm

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Theres nothing wrong with you, what youve described is modern dating! Its a nightmare, I was only messaging a man recently who I felt I was getting along with until he went radio silent when I refused to go to his house at 1am to 'share a bottle of wine'. The last man was the exact same, the man before him was flaky and despite texting for 3 months, we never met, he let me down every time and didnt even bother to tell me he wouldnt be showing up for the date. The man before him I was seeing for 2 months, was a narcissist and got pissy when I ran for the hills.
Ive been single for almost 6 years, my last boyfriend was abusive and a serial cheat.
Im not perfect but im attractive, educated, smart(ish), ive hobbies and im a nice person. Majority of my female friends are the very same and if theyre in relationships theyre rarely happy and tbh most have just settled and dont even love their partners, they put up with them.
Its incredibly hard to find someone whose nice, emotionally mature, genuine and not just looking for sex.

To add this, in my experience, I get the impression that allot of men are expecting perfection and an awful lot of men are very shallow and superficial, its like they want and expect a girlfriend that looks like Kim Kardashian even when theyre no where near that level of attractive themselves.
Ive really learned over my 20's and early 30's that men dont care how nice of a person you are, how genuine you are, your hobbies or anything else, they judge you on your social media, want you to have the perfect body and look good to their friends and family. Its draining and these are unrealistic standards for most people.
Dont question your self worth on what men think of you or you will forever be questioning yourself.

You're the problem

tjhook · 24-11-2020 10:03pm

Ella281 wrote: »

I’m sorry monk, but I have to agree with airy fairy.
That is exactly what is happening in dating at the moment. And it is horrible.

It’s not bitterness - it’s saying it how it is.

It's not though. It's you tarring half the population because of your own hangups. Do you really think so negatively about your male father/brothers/sons/colleagues/friends? It's a ridiculous generalisation and not particularly helpful to the OP.

Of course there are unpleasant individuals of both sexes, but you'll find them concentrated more in some places than others. There'll be plenty on Tinder, but I'd bet far fewer at (for example) a Spanish language class.

And that's the key for the OP. If she wants to avoid unpleasant people, avoid the places where they congregate.

Having said that, the OP hasn't been seen since the original post, so presumably is tackling her issue in a different way now.

cj maxx · 24-11-2020 10:05pm

I don’t want to quote tjhook’s whole post but the bit about ‘being one of the lads’ rings true. I’ve worked with girls like that , admittedly it was basic pay factory work , and even though they were attractive in work (even more so when done up on the town) , they always had the ‘one of the boys’ vibe when I’d meet them out. Not just with me but lads in general.
Maybe something to bear in mind when you meet lads. And don’t worry about feeling inexperienced, a lot of lads in the same boat but feel like they need to act the big man in sexual/relationship experience

Ella281 · 24-11-2020 11:01pm

tjhook wrote: »

It's not though. It's you tarring half the population because of your own hangups. Do you really think so negatively about your male father/brothers/sons/colleagues/friends? It's a ridiculous generalisation and not particularly helpful to the OP.

Of course there are unpleasant individuals of both sexes, but you'll find them concentrated more in some places than others. There'll be plenty on Tinder, but I'd bet far fewer at (for example) a Spanish language class.

And that's the key for the OP. If she wants to avoid unpleasant people, avoid the places where they congregate.

Having said that, the OP hasn't been seen since the original post, so presumably is tackling her issue in a different way now.

These are not my hang ups.
This is what is happening. You don’t know what my experiences have been and you are telling me I am wrong? Right off the bat?
I’ll be quite honest with you, I have yet to meet a normal decent man on the dating scene.

I don’t think it would matter what I would say on here about my experiences with dating and men, it will always be turned on me and the issues are with me.
No - the issues are with a backward attitude in this country and bad behaviour being accepted from men.

I never had issues and I was never a negative or unhappy person ...until I started using dating apps.
Now I have issues!

But you are right about where they congregate. Tinder number 1, bumble a close second.

Airyfairy12 · 25-11-2020 12:12am

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

With that ridiculously narrow minded attitude towards men I wouldn't want anything to do with you anyway. Bitterness is really unattractive.

Im not bitter but I am drained and im entitled to my feelings, particularly as they are result of continuous real life experiences.
Regardless, this isnt about me and this discussion isnt helpful to the OP, so with that said, I would suggest that OP try to understand that it's not a reflection on her that she is having bad experiences.

Cali1978 · 25-11-2020 2:04pm

It’s definitely not right to tarnish ALL men badly as looking around at the men in my family, they’re good men. But they’re not out there dating. And very many who are seem to have issues. I have without doubt met some lovely men who genuinely want a relationship and at times I went along with the new relationship just because it’s so rare to meet a decent man online. I tried to make it work even though I didn’t fancy them or we didn’t have fun together. I cannot see how I will meet someone now online as I’ve really tried and failed. I agree that men are often looking for something better and being in my early 40’s goes against me. Never mind the fact I’m outgoing, young at heart, well adjusted, house, no kids etc. Meeting someone outside of online seems impossible-I just don’t know how that happens nowadays, particularly during covid. And I figure most people who are single and genuinely looking are online anyway. I don’t know, but I’m losing heart in meeting someone. When you think about it so much has to be right in a way. You can’t force a relationship just because someone appears good on paper. I didn’t mean this post to be all about me but I was trying to explain to others that some of the other posters here do have a point and they’re not necessarily anti all men-their experiences are valid.

Thelonious Monk · 25-11-2020 3:00pm

I'm pretty sure nearly every single person is on one dating app or another nowadays. It's not fair to tarnish all men, if it was the other way around we'd be called misogynists. Pretty much every couple I know nowadays met online, decent men and women.
I've never met anyone who has tried to f*ck me over online but I wouldn't tolerate it for a second if they tried, maybe you should try the same.

LegacyUser · 25-11-2020 4:08pm

Ella281 wrote: »

These are not my hang ups.
This is what is happening. You don’t know what my experiences have been and you are telling me I am wrong? Right off the bat?
I’ll be quite honest with you, I have yet to meet a normal decent man on the dating scene.

I don’t think it would matter what I would say on here about my experiences with dating and men, it will always be turned on me and the issues are with me.
No - the issues are with a backward attitude in this country and bad behaviour being accepted from men.

I never had issues and I was never a negative or unhappy person ...until I started using dating apps.
Now I have issues!

But you are right about where they congregate. Tinder number 1, bumble a close second.

As a single male who has been dating the last 2-3 years I can say much the same for ladies, it’s definitely not gender exclusive.

But more importantly it is simply not a reflection of men and women as a whole and implying otherwise is just childish and self defeating. That’s not taking away from your (or my) negative experiences but is simply the truth.

Ella281 · 25-11-2020 7:55pm

JRFiveStep wrote: »

As a single male who has been dating the last 2-3 years I can say much the same for ladies, it’s definitely not gender exclusive.

But more importantly it is simply not a reflection of men and women as a whole and implying otherwise is just childish and self defeating. That’s not taking away from your (or my) negative experiences but is simply the truth.

It does take away from my experiences. I’m not imagining it.
I feel abnormal and rejected enough. I have yet to meet a decent man to prove otherwise.

Of course I’m defeated?

Open the Pubs · 26-11-2020 12:01am

Ella281 wrote: »

It does take away from my experiences. I’m not imagining it.
I feel abnormal and rejected enough. I have yet to meet a decent man to prove otherwise.

Of course I’m defeated?

You have never met a decent man in your entire life?

Maybe instead of blaming billions of the opposite gender you should look in the mirror and work on yourself, your attitude is awful so I can see why no man would listen to it.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-11-2020 7:41am

OK posters, there are 2 very similar threads running at the moment, I've just closed one due to generalisations that offer nothing of substance.

All posters are asked to abide by the charter. Mature, constructive, civil advice or opinion to the OP.

If a poster cannot follow that rule, we ask that you not post in this thread again.

Jequ0n · 26-11-2020 9:00am

I'm probably missing something here again but doesn't this just boil down to preconceived expectations and possible miscommunication?

Nobody argued against red flags, I guess it's good if someone spots them (though I still insist that you will not notice them quickly with good liars who can adjust their behavior to your expectations).

Sure, you can shut down the conversation there and then but that way you will never find out if the red flag was "justified" or just a comment that you interpreted the wrong way.

Another relationship thread

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