Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

How soon can we start having sex?

  • 13-07-2020 9:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all.

    How soon into dating someone can you start having sex?
    Me and the fella I’m seeing (both 30) started scoring on date 2 and he turned me on so much.
    Ever since, I can’t stop thinking of having sex with him and being with him again.

    I worry I will spoil my chances of a potential relationship if we do it too soon.
    Holding off hasn’t worked out for me in the past.

    How soon is too soon and how long is too long?
    Do men look at the woman they are dating less favourably if she has sex within the first few weeks?

    Thanks in advance!


Comments

  • #2
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    As a sex positive person and a feminist, I hate to say this but the longer you wait the better. Lately I noticed that several friends who had to hold off on sex for various reasons (long distance, lockdown) settled into relationships that seem much healthier and happier than those who have sex straight away.


  • #3
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,694 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    There are no answers to these questions. Have sex whenever you are both ready.


  • #4
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I'd be of the opinion that you have sex when it feels right. That could be a few weeks or a few months. Any man who is willing to jump into bed with you but judges you for doing it isn't worth the time of day.


  • #5
    Passenger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,148 ✭✭✭Passenger


    Don't start playing mind games or engaging in sex brinkmanship. You're both adults. If you want to do it and the situation allows then do it. "Holding off" may just send the message you're just not interested in him, sexually, and he'll be twice as confused.


  • #6
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,591 ✭✭✭blue note


    It's different for each person. I had sex my now wife on our second date. I certainly didn't think any less of her for it.

    There's a part of me that says if someone would think less of you for it they're not worth your time. But none of us are perfect and we all have irrational prejudices. Even when we are aware of them it can be hard not to have them. So it is possible that having sex early on could create a negative impression of you for this guy. Which would be a flaw in him, but overall he could still be a great guy and very compatible with you.

    So if you want to wait because you don't want him to think less of you you're very entitled to. I don't know how likely it is that he'd think like that, there's certainly a very strong chance he won't. But you're right that it's possible. Just like plenty of girls have judged a guy as "after one thing" if they have sex early on.

    The right time to have sex is when you both want to. If that's now that's fine. Enjoy!


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    There is no right or wrong here OP. It's what you feel comfortable with. You are both adults so if you both want to have sex you can but if either of you use it as something to hold against the other that isn't cool. Think about it OP do you want a long term relationship with someone who would judge you for wanting to have sex?


  • #8
    Esse85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,246 ✭✭✭Esse85


    KiKi III wrote: »
    As a sex positive person and a feminist, I hate to say this but the longer you wait the better. Lately I noticed that several friends who had to hold off on sex for various reasons (long distance, lockdown) settled into relationships that seem much healthier and happier than those who have sex straight away.

    Worse advice in the thread, please ignore it OP

    The best time is when you are both comfortable and ready.


  • #9
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    If you both want to have sex have sex. If he's not interested he won't become interested by waiting. The old "make them wait," advice is in my opinion more about protecting your own feelings than guaranteeing the man's continued interest. As in, the longer you know each other the better idea you have on whether he's interested in something more than sex. If him loosing interest after you have sex is likely to upset you, wait. If not, fire ahead.

    There is no magic formula for when you should have sex other than its when you both want to.


  • #10
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Esse85 wrote: »
    Worse advice in the thread, please ignore it OP

    The best time is when you are both comfortable and ready.

    I thought the same as you for years.

    But I’ve seen it over and over again; jumping into sexual intimacy before developing a similar level of emotional intimacy rarely results in a relationship.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex OP, nor with doing what feels good - but in my experience when you have sex too soon the opportunity to build an emotional connection can be lost and guys can lose interest quickly if there’s no emotional connection and “the thrill of the chase” is also gone.

    I’m not saying wait six months- but if you want this to be a relationship (which is what you said) you need to get to know the guy.


  • #11
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    When I saw this title I assumed it was in relation to COVID and social distancing etc. Really disappointing that its about when its "acceptable" to have sex, or how long to leave him waiting. If you want to have sex, have sex.


  • Advertisement
  • #12
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Bcklschaps I have deleted your post. As per the Charter, if you have no advice to offer an OP directly, please refrain from posting in a thread.


  • #13
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Esse85 wrote: »
    Worse advice in the thread, please ignore it OP

    The best time is when you are both comfortable and ready.

    Very weird response.

    I'd actually agree with that poster myself. I'm 35 now and have had things where sex happened relatively early on and things where we waited anywhere between 3 weeks and 3 months (in the case of a long distance relationship) and the ones where we waited were all far more solid and lasted a long time. I think there's definitely something to be said for waiting until you have a solid basis of friendship and trust before having sex.


  • #14
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    Very weird response.

    I'd actually agree with that poster myself. I'm 35 now and have had things where sex happened relatively early on and things where we waited anywhere between 3 weeks and 3 months (in the case of a long distance relationship) and the ones where we waited were all far more solid and lasted a long time. I think there's definitely something to be said for waiting until you have a solid basis of friendship and trust before having sex.

    My worst relationship, we waited months before having sex.

    My best was a one night stand. He became my best friend and is the person who I have had the most meaningful connection with out of any others. It was also the best sex out of all other partners, whether casual or long term, because the initial connection was formed based on chemistry, and grew to be more as time went on.

    If the relationship is going to work out, then its going to work out regardless of sex. If the sex "ruins" it then how great of a relationship was it ever going to be imo.

    Not saying this to say your approach is wrong, just that I really dont think there's any fixed rule to it. No point putting some arbitrary time frame on it.

    If someone wants to wait until trust is built before they are comfortable having sex then thats great, I get it, especially if they feel that sex adds another layer of intimacy that they may regret if the relationship were to end, but withholding sex (that op herself wants to have) in the hope that doing so might lead to a longer lasting relationship... i don't get it.


  • #15
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Yeah no these kind of beliefs are the type of lies people tell themselves to avoid responsibility for uncomfortable things they may not be willing to confront.

    For example: someone has sex with someone because they feel they ‘have to’ to keep them interested, and it doesn’t work out down the line.

    What happened was that their gut was screaming at them that the other person wasn’t that into them and they had a low self-esteem moment where they agreed with the person and felt the need to over-compensate. But rejection and low self-esteem can be difficult things to deal with, so people tell themselves that the length of time they had conversations with the person matters a lot, when really that’s a totally random and arbitrary way to look at things. You may as well tell yourself not to have sex with someone with a particular hairstyle.

    OP the truth is you’ll get wildly different accounts on here. Some will say they had sex on the first date and are married, some will say they waited 2 years and the partner was horrible. The reason these stories will vary so much is because this stuff DOESN’T MATTER.

    As others have said, have sex when you want to, feel ready and are doing it for the right reasons. If you decide that’s now, great. If you decide that’s now but change your mind after making the plan, don’t feel pressured to follow through. Do it all on your own timeframe because there is no one right/wrong answer to this beyond that.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all, thanks for the different opinions.
    I suppose I just wanted some insight into time lines for sex when dating as it’s been a while.
    It’s been a while since I was truly sexually attracted to someone and I felt it when we kissed etc
    Still early days but I feel really comfortable with him which is nice for a change.


  • #17
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,144 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    It totally depends on the relationship but I prefer to find out sooner rather than later if there is sexual compatibility as I learned the hard way that that's not something I can compromise on.


  • #18
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Mod:

    @KiKi III - you're not a mod of this (or any) forum. Keep the backseat modding to yourself.

    @Millionaire only not - well below the standard of PI/RI. Familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting here again.


  • #19
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Mod:

    @KiKi III - you're not a mod of this (or any) forum. Keep the backseat modding to yourself.

    @Millionaire only not - well below the standard of PI/RI. Familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting here again.

    If someone has a massive, utterly unjustified go at me I’m going to say it. The fact that I’m the one getting a snarky warning there says something strange about your priorities as a mod. Don’t care what the “punishment” is for calling you out on it on the thread, I’m sick of sh1tty modding on this site.


  • #20
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Op, honestly when you a both ready is most likely best time for starting to have sex, it is a gut feeling.

    However to put some perspective on this, if the other person wanted to wait 3/6/12 months before wanting to commit to having sex, or even until after marriage if religious or not, would you feel any different about a serious relationship with them ?

    In the end, it is finding that balance that helps make relationships work, you need to find out where that balance lies for you and for the other person, you are both adults, nothing wrong talking about it.


  • #21
    SozBbz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    OP, for what its worth, I'm a bit of a fan of waiting, especially with someone who has relationship potential.

    My OH and I are together now 7 years and I think we waited maybe 5 dates, although I think he would gone ahead sooner had I been up for it.

    For me, waiting a few dates is just about getting a good sense of a person. There can be cases where you might well not get as far as date 5 for various reasons, and then you've done yourself the favour of not getting sex and emotion muddled up and its maybe easier to back away from someone if they're not for you.

    I also recommend a "day date" pre sex. IMO it bodes well if someone is willing to go for a hike, to the zoo, to the beach etc as there is likely no alcohol involved and less chance to just fall into bed.

    Plus, a little anticipation and delayed gratification can be enjoyable in itself, so if your 5ish dates go well, by the time it does happen, you'll both be well up for it.


  • Advertisement
  • #22
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,723 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Hi OP,

    I'm a sexual enough person, so once that I'm active and on the lookout for someone special, I'll do it soon into the build-up. The way I see it, life is short, carpe diem, what is there to wait around for? :D But I understand your dilemma. I wouldn't have always been like this, and I think it comes down to maturing and being able to somewhat disentangle sex from feelings. Not completely, as I get a very deep enjoyment out of sex on an emotional level, so it does affect me in a big way! I just don't let my need for a partner rule the direction of my need for sex any longer. To be honest, the oestrogen is on the decline so I suppose that plays a role too. Less of an urge for bonding, less of a possibility of getting pregnant, etc. It's very liberating!

    Plus (and this is more relevant to your situation), it's still a bit of a test one way or another. Once I've had a man in bed, if he skiddadles soon after (or starts treating me differently from how he did pre-sex), yup, he's history either way and I'd rather know sooner rather than later. I feel it's better this way as it is an immediate indicator of incompatibility when it comes to this issue. I am not a patient person but a passionate one, so if a guy hesitates or thinks less of me or feels threatened or what have you, it would never have been a good match.

    If you feel it, go for it. That's just my perspective.


  • #23
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,761 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    I am completely against the whole treat them mean to keep them keen train of thought, no matter what mask it wears.

    If you dont feel like sex yet, or your not sure - that's cool, and any partner that is worth keeping will respect that. . If your not comfortable yet, that is your prerogative. 100%

    If you want to, and he wants to, but for some reason you decide to play games .... tactics ... assert your power in the relationship well then you risk losing a good partner for no good reason and that's plain stupid.

    Im not saying the OP is doing this but some of the 'helpful comments' are definitely in that category. My advice is if you begin the relationship with honest communication - it doesn't guarantee it will last, but its a good foundation to build on!


  • #24
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Xterminator wrote: »
    I am completely against the whole treat them mean to keep them keen train of thought, no matter what mask it wears.

    If you dont feel like sex yet, or your not sure - that's cool, and any partner that is worth keeping will respect that. . If your not comfortable yet, that is your prerogative. 100%

    If you want to, and he wants to, but for some reason you decide to play games .... tactics ... assert your power in the relationship well then you risk losing a good partner for no good reason and that's plain stupid.

    Im not saying the OP is doing this but some of the 'helpful comments' are definitely in that category. My advice is if you begin the relationship with honest communication - it doesn't guarantee it will last, but its a good foundation to build on!

    Since when is taking the time to get to know someone before you sleep with them seen as playing games or trying to manipulate or gain power over them?


  • #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Xterminator wrote: »

    Im not saying the OP is doing this but some of the 'helpful comments' are definitely in that category. My advice is if you begin the relationship with honest communication - it doesn't guarantee it will last, but its a good foundation to build on!

    No intention of playing tactics or trick or manipulate.
    I just want to know what is acceptable and hoping he wouldn’t think I was moving too fast. Like we always remark that men are only after “one thing” sometimes. I don’t want to seem like I’m only after one thing but just want to do it as I am sexually attracted to him.
    I don’t want to damage the developing relationship. Or change the way he sees me etc ...


  • #26
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,263 ✭✭✭jj880


    Is this really what this forum is for?

    Here we have OP trying to invent a different version of herself who waits longer than usual to have sex because statistically there is a better chance of tricking someone into a relationship.

    Jesis.


  • #27
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    jj880 wrote: »
    Is this really what this forum is for?

    Here we have OP trying to invent a different version of herself who waits longer than usual to have sex because statistically there is a better chance of tricking someone into a relationship.

    Jesis.

    OP is not trying to trick anyone into a relationship and that’s an incel way of looking at it.


  • #28
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,263 ✭✭✭jj880


    KiKi III wrote: »
    OP is not trying to trick anyone into a relationship and that’s an incel way of looking at it.

    Incel. Had to look that up. Nice.

    I have no issue with how long someone waits or does not wait to have sex. I have an issue with someone not being themselves at the very start of any potential relationship.

    You say I've got the wrong idea. Ok fair enough. So what is going on here?


  • #29
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Folks, PI isn't a discussion forum. The OP has come here looking for advice and posters are asked to either offer advice directly to the OP when replying to a thread or refrain from posting in it at all.


  • #30
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    jj880 wrote: »
    Incel. Had to look that up. Nice.

    I have no issue with how long someone waits or does not wait to have sex. I have an issue with someone not being themselves at the very start of any potential relationship.

    You say I've got the wrong idea. Ok fair enough. So what is going on here?

    I’ve already explained it twice but I’ll have another go.

    There’s nothing wrong with casual sex or having a ONS, both can be immensely pleasurable.

    If the goal is to start a relationship, my experience is that it’s a good idea to get to know the person a little better first. In most cases you don’t actually know if someone is compatible with you for a relationship after one or two dates.

    Good relationships are usually founded on attraction, compatibility, trust and friendship. Right now, OP knows she has the first factor and that’s great. But how can she really know if they’re compatible or if he’s trustworthy having met him once or twice?

    She can’t.

    She might decide it’s worth it to sleep with him even if it means finding out later that they’re not actually on the same page at all, if she does good for her. Or she might decide to do a daytime date or two as someone else suggested and get a better sense of him before sleeping with him.

    It’s entirely up to her, and there’s nothing at all wrong with waiting a few dates.


  • Advertisement
  • #31
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    Mod Note

    Folks, PI isn't a discussion forum. The OP has come here looking for advice and posters are asked to either offer advice directly to the OP when replying to a thread or refrain from posting in it at all.

    Sorry was writing what I posted just now when you posted this - I didn’t intentionally ignore it.


  • #32
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    How exactly can a man be “tricked” into a relationship due to a woman not having sex within a certain timeframe dare I ask?

    OP you may as well ask how long is a piece of string. The best answer is do what makes you most comfortable. Most women have met the Magical Disappearing Man who they’ve slept with thinking it was an escalation in the relationship only to never hear from him again, so I get where the question comes from. It’s all down to your personal perspective on sex and what your needs and expectations are with this lad.

    For me, sex means trust and connection and emotional intimacy so I’m gonna be invested in more if things go that way, which means I tend to wait until I feel like I know the guy and trust he’s on the same page. Tends to be after about a month or so of getting to know each other, no hard and fast timelines though. A lot of people aren’t that way and are happy enough to get their sexual needs met as a part of the dating process while ultimately looking for someone to have a relationship with, so sex isn’t the same deal for them. I guess you need to figure out where you sit on all of this and go from there.


  • #33
    Tig98
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    There is no such thing as too soon. My objectively happiest relationship was the result of a one night stand where we didn't even know each others names.

    Don't be afraid of scaring him off, or giving him the milk so he doesn't want the "cow". Sex is a cornerstone of any strong relationship and its better to find out early on if you're compatible or not. By this stage you already have a sense of the guy and know if he is potentially good boyfriend material or not.

    If you want to have sex with him, go for it. Don't let the hesitation of thinking it's too soon put you off. If you just don't really feel the urges to have sex with him yet then don't pressure yourself, give it a few more dates and see.

    The whole treat em mean keep em keen mentality is really dated, in my opinion. Going back to the last century where women were taught to be chaste and wait until they had a ring on the finger. Sex is healthy and sex is fun, just be responsible and have at it


  • #34
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,263 ✭✭✭jj880


    KiKi III wrote: »
    I’ve already explained it twice but I’ll have another go.

    There’s nothing wrong with casual sex or having a ONS, both can be immensely pleasurable.

    If the goal is to start a relationship, my experience is that it’s a good idea to get to know the person a little better first. In most cases you don’t actually know if someone is compatible with you for a relationship after one or two dates.

    Good relationships are usually founded on attraction, compatibility, trust and friendship. Right now, OP knows she has the first factor and that’s great. But how can she really know if they’re compatible or if he’s trustworthy having met him once or twice?

    She can’t.

    She might decide it’s worth it to sleep with him even if it means finding out later that they’re not actually on the same page at all, if she does good for her. Or she might decide to do a daytime date or two as someone else suggested and get a better sense of him before sleeping with him.

    It’s entirely up to her, and there’s nothing at all wrong with waiting a few dates.

    I think you need to read the OP again.

    The question wasnt "whats the best way to trust someone and judge when to have sex with them?"

    It was "How long should I hold out to produce a relationship?"

    After being called an "incel" and being asked "how does a woman trick a man into a relationship?" I can see where this is going.

    To be clear I would have just as much of a problem with a man coming on here asking when he should have sex to get a woman into a relationship.

    So the mods dont have a fit my advice to the OP would be dont have sex any sooner or wait any longer than you normally would. Go for it if you feel a connection. In my opinion you may miss out on something great by playing games either way.


  • #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey guys,
    Oh god, I hope I didn’t come across as looking to with hold sex as a power play to get into a relationship.
    I just want to enjoy the journey and see how we go.
    I just meant if you feel it, should you jump to it?
    I only ask because I haven’t been attracted to someone like this in a long time.. and I was worried I was just letting my horniness take over lol..
    I think I’m definitely lusting after him for sure. I just wanted to know should I have a standard or a timeline in general or should I just go with the flow if we go there.

    I haven’t felt so drawn physically to somebody in a long time so I guess it’s unique and fragile to me (this feeling - like a magnet and actually wanting to let him touch me) and as it’s early days and fragile, I don’t want to lose it or ruin it..
    I probably didn’t explain how I feel very well (again lol)


  • #36
    Esse85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,246 ✭✭✭Esse85


    UsernamegirlOP12 wrote: »
    Hey guys,
    Oh god, I hope I didn’t come across as looking to with hold sex as a power play to get into a relationship.
    I just want to enjoy the journey and see how we go.
    I just meant if you feel it, should you jump to it?
    I only ask because I haven’t been attracted to someone like this in a long time.. and I was worried I was just letting my horniness take over lol..
    I think I’m definitely lusting after him for sure. I just wanted to know should I have a standard or a timeline in general or should I just go with the flow if we go there.

    I haven’t felt so drawn physically to somebody in a long time so I guess it’s unique and fragile to me (this feeling - like a magnet and actually wanting to let him touch me) and as it’s early days and fragile, I don’t want to lose it or ruin it..
    I probably didn’t explain how I feel very well (again lol)

    You sound like you are absolutely ready, is he, if so then get together and see are ye sexually compatible, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

    This notion that some others are suggesting such as wait for this and that, is outdated terrible advice and screams of an unhealthy attitude towards sex, sounds like others are projecting their own bad sexual experiences onto you.

    I mean what if you waited months as they suggested, then found out that ye are not compatible at all, what a waste of time that would be for both of ye.


  • Advertisement
  • #37
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Esse85 wrote: »
    You sound like you are absolutely ready, is he, if so then get together and see are ye sexually compatible, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

    This notion that some others are suggesting such as wait for this and that, is outdated terrible advice and screams of an unhealthy attitude towards sex, sounds like others are projecting their own bad sexual experiences onto you.

    I mean what if you waited months as they suggested, then found out that ye are not compatible at all, what a waste of time that would be for both of ye.

    OP, if you feel ready, go for it.

    But there’s absolutely nothing unhealthy or outdated about wanting to build a foundation of trust/ friendship before sleeping with someone.

    Both options are totally healthy and acceptable and don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.


  • #38
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,761 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Ever since, I can’t stop thinking of having sex with him and being with him again.

    So OP is not unsure if she wants to have sex. Thats pretty clear cut. She knows what she wants.
    I worry I will spoil my chances of a potential relationship if we do it too soon.
    Holding off hasn’t worked out for me in the past. How soon is too soon and how long is too long?

    this appears to be the OPs question. Will having sex 'too soon' ruin any potential relationship. It not a 18 year old having sex for the 1st time. Its a 30 year old trying to find the right balance.
    Do men look at the woman they are dating less favourably if she has sex within the first few weeks?

    I cannot speak for all men. but i dont & wouldn't think less of a woman who is confidant and knows what she wants. Nor would i think less of a woman who said im really not ready to have sex yet, im not ready, lets get to know each other better.

    They only circumstance where i would feel like running for the hills would be if the woman made me think she was playing games and I felt i was a second class citizen in the relationship & subservient.

    I wonder if the op looks at past relationships that have not worked out and thinks perhaps if i did something different they would have worked out. And has pinpointed having sex the 1st time as one of those things she could have done differently.

    I personally think if you find the right person, and you have sex within the 1st week, and it all went terribly - that it could still work out. I actually know of someone who ended up in the ER after the 1st attempt at sex, and is happily married to that lady now. Its not just the date you have sex, its the connection!

    If they are the right partner for you, and you make them wait a week too long, or you have sex on the 1st date that doesn't mean you ruin it.


  • #39
    SozBbz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    Xterminator wrote: »

    If they are the right partner for you, and you make them wait a week too long, or you have sex on the 1st date that doesn't mean you ruin it.

    OP, this is what it boils down to.

    My advice re waiting comes from a place of self protection, in that I'd be of the opinion that if you wait even just a bit, you know you're going to make a good decision for you. You give a person the opportunity to show you a bit more of who they are before sex. A person can make a great impression on one or two dates. Maybe by date 3 it goes even better or maybe it falls flat. You can't ever know for sure, so at some point you have to trust your judgement and go for it, but my 2cents is that giving yourself a bit of time and breathing space to get the know a person a bit better is definitely no harm.


    This is not coming from a place of advising how to trick a man into a relationship (!?!) This is purely advocating for giving your brain time to catch up wtih your libido. If for example, I think it can be easy to be flirty and feel chemistry over a few drinks, but if you know you still have chemistry taking the dog for the walk, then isn't that an even better sign?

    Its not about trickery, powerplay or any of that nonsense. Its purely self preservation and ensuring you have a good bit of information that your initial excitement about this man is well founded so you can confidently jump into bed with him. I know its worked for me, so thats my advice.

    But equally, if you're the right ones for each other, it won't really matter in the long run.


  • #40
    Warbeastrior
    Registered Users Posts: 400 ✭✭Warbeastrior


    With Covid-19, are we even allowed to? Like kissing someone is technically against guidelines.


  • #41
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    The miscommunication I think people are having here comes down to the idea of 'playing games'. People who adopt the anti-sex 'too soon' attitude don't perceive what they're doing as 'playing games', whereas people who feel the opposite way do. We can all argue back and forth all day on that but it wouldn't be helping the OP because they'll have their own individual perception and the point on both sides has been well and truly made.

    I think what we can all agree on is that there are two differing viewpoints that people may have and how people may perceive them.

    From my own standpoint, to add to the mix, I've stopped seeing people when I felt this was being done to me. For example, I went on a really nice date with a girl I know years a while back, we clicked, mutual attraction, the lot. Then at the end of the night it got to the stage where it was natural to kiss. She started behaving just...differently to how she had been and said "Oh no I never kiss on the first date." Now I wasn't even pressuring or asking her to do so, the moment just naturally went there to the point she saw it necessary to bring it up, so I shrugged it off and carried on as normal. It genuinely didn't bother me.

    But as it lingered with me processing the date, it struck me bigtime as one of those moments where she started to venture into the train of thought like, "If I kiss him now, he might think this and that". Again just the sudden shift in her demeanour told me she defaulted to these kind of thoughts, which is a slippery slope towards being manipulative and trying to have 'the power', all of those unhealthy but common tropes. I told her as much when she asked about meeting again, not in a confrontational way because I'd just lost interest at that stage, I just think it's better to be honest rather than leaving people wondering. She immediately defaulted to the kind of dramatic emotional blackmail language that kinda proved my suspicions correct. Later on I mentioned to a mutual friend that we'd been out and they confirmed that she was known for being a melt like that.

    Again that's NOT to say OP that you should have sex with someone before you're ready. It's just that when you're making decisions for the wrong reasons, it can be transparent to people who know what to look for. Regardless of whether it is or isn't 'playing games', when you're not true to yourself it can be enough to set alarm bells off even as far as putting them off altogether. So if you want to have sex, just have sex.


  • Advertisement
  • #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SozBbz wrote: »
    A person can make a great impression on one or two dates.

    Hey SozBbz
    OP here. I take on board what you’re saying alright. In regards to what you said above, he actually didn’t make a great impression at all on the first date, he was nervous and later confirmed that.
    I could see he was nervous and wanted to give him a chance and he came through :-)
    We have met up to do pretty ordinary things like walk and chat... and I’m getting to know him better.


  • #43
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,807 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Have sex with him if you’re sure that’s what you want.

    You’re going to do your prospects of a relationship harm if you don’t be yourself around this guy. Not having sex if ye would both like it is bound to do more harm than good.


  • #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've had this chat with my female friends and the consensus amongst this very small sample size is that when you sleep with a guy you really like, you are more emotionally invested afterwards. That's great when you both are on the same page, and at the same pace, but it's not so good when you then become more invested than they are. The early stages of seeing someone are relaxed and casual and I know for some women, it doesn't feel as causal afterwards. It can take something that felt easy and fun and make it feel more emotional for you. Personally, I think this is where things can sometimes go wrong. You can start to feel more "needy" and it makes things feel more complicated.

    To be clear, it has nothing to do with making a guy wait, or manipulating them, it's more about managing your own emotions.

    Personally, I don't think it's any harm to get to know someone a bit before having sex. You then have a better sense of how you are getting on and what you both want. It makes the increased emotional investment easier to manage. I don't mean have a designated time frame in your head, it's more about when you feel more confident that you're on the same page. To be clear though, I'm not saying wait months, it's more likely to be a few more dates to get to that place.

    As others have said though, I know couples who slept together straight away and had great relationships. That may be exactly what it's like for you OP. There will be others that don't agree with or identify with what I saying at all, which is equally valid. You've just got to figure out what sits best with you.


  • #45
    Homelander
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,439 ✭✭✭Homelander


    KiKi III wrote: »
    As a sex positive person and a feminist, I hate to say this but the longer you wait the better. Lately I noticed that several friends who had to hold off on sex for various reasons (long distance, lockdown) settled into relationships that seem much healthier and happier than those who have sex straight away.


    Absolute nonsense, borderline deluded. I'd love to see that scientific journal.

    As a normal, mentally-healthy male, if you like someone, you like them, and if you want to be with them, you just want to be with them. How soon you have sex has zero bearing on those basic facts.

    Anyone who was with you solely for sex, will eventually split regardless, be it if you have sex on Date 2, or Date 20.

    There can be benefits to waiting...but the notion that having sex early dooms you to unstable, non-viable relationships that would be healthy if you had only waited.....complete and utter nonsense.


  • #46
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    Homelander wrote: »
    Absolute nonsense, borderline deluded. I'd love to see that scientific journal.

    As a normal, mentally-healthy male, if you like someone, you like them, and if you want to be with them, you just want to be with them. How soon you have sex has zero bearing on those basic facts.

    Anyone who was with you solely for sex, will eventually split regardless, be it if you have sex on Date 2, or Date 20.

    There can be benefits to waiting...but the notion that having sex early dooms you to unstable, non-viable relationships that would be healthy if you had only waited.....complete and utter nonsense.

    Several women on the thread have noted experiences similar to mine. Your opinion is no more valid than mine, and yours is no more backed by science (feel free to link the academic journal you’re working from)

    I’m giving the OP advice based on my own life experience as are you. Your experiences are not universal.


  • #47
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,807 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Well OP, how have things gone since?


  • #48
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    Please be aware that it is against the forum charter to request updates. The OP is under no obligation to return to provide updates on their issue.


  • #49
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We won’t be having sex.
    I wanted to and was all for him.
    Then he showed his true colours on the last date with a bad attitude and I can now confirm he has turned me off.

    Gonna find someone else to get it on with.

    Shame really!!


  • #50
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,608 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    Obese Child wrote: »
    Maybe take it slow and start with a BJ and see how he responds?

    I'm showing my age but is blowing him " taking it slow".
    Vanilla sex is less personal imo


  • #51
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    As the OPs issue has resolved itself I'm going to close the thread here.

    Best of luck OP and thank you all who helped and advised.

    HS


  • Advertisement
This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement