How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

SEPT 23 1989 · 11-07-2019 9:15pm

I became a father at 22 and the moment I watched my daughter come into this world I knew that this is the reason we are put on this earth

money flash cars best of clothes all along the way but nothing will ever compare to that night

valoren · 11-07-2019 9:35pm

You'd swear having babies and kids involves them being like that forever. They'll always be your child but *shock horror* They do become adults at some point. Brilliantly, there's a point where the nappy changing stops, the brain deadening tiredness ends and it really is over in the blink of an eye.

I've always thought that people get what they focus on. If these women wanted children, were focused on it, then they'd have made it happen. Bom-chicka-waw-wa style or artificially. As men we can't appreciate the biological ticking clock women have, we can have kids until we croak but for them there's a point where nature says "that's your lot". I guess some women get understandably blindsided and realise it's becoming too late to have children and any suitors they'd readily have had kids with had they been focused on it have been and gone.

11-07-2019 9:36pm

valoren wrote: »

You'd swear having babies and kids involves them being like that forever. They'll always be your child but *shock horror* They do become adults at some point. Brilliantly, there's a point where the nappy changing stops, the brain deafening tiredness end and it really is over in the blink of an eye.

fair enough

i hang around adults now, as it is. i even get to choose which ones!

SEPT 23 1989 · 11-07-2019 9:46pm

valoren wrote: »

You'd swear having babies and kids involves them being like that forever. They'll always be your child but *shock horror* They do become adults at some point. Brilliantly, there's a point where the nappy changing stops, the brain deadening tiredness ends and it really is over in the blink of an eye.

I've always thought that people get what they focus on. If these women wanted children, were focused on it, then they'd have made it happen. Bom-chicka-waw-wa style or artificially. As men we can't appreciate the biological ticking clock women have, we can have kids until we croak but for them there's a point where nature says "that's your lot". I guess some women get understandably blindsided and realise it's becoming too late to have children and any suitors they'd readily have had kids with had they been focused on it have been and gone.

Don’t get the baby hate that’s the easy bit when you look back

Austria! · 11-07-2019 9:47pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

Why do people never feel sorry for the men whose wife/partner cleared just settled for them just so they could have children? Panic buying. It's very common too.

Why would I feel sorry for them? That's what I'm hoping for.

iamwhoiam · 11-07-2019 9:48pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I became a father at 22 and the moment I watched my daughter come into this world I knew that this is the reason we are put on this earth

money flash cars best of clothes all along the way but nothing will ever compare to that night

It might be the reason you were put on this earth . But its not set in stone that we all are here to play the same role

Gimme A Pound · 11-07-2019 9:52pm

The likelihood of Down's Syndrome increases after the mother is 35 but I don't know about autism.

11-07-2019 9:55pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

It might be the reason you were put on this earth . But its not set in stone that we all are here to play the same role

nobody was put on this earth "for a reason"

its nice that the poster feels that way about becoming a father though.

SEPT 23 1989 · 11-07-2019 9:57pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

It might be the reason you were put on this earth . But its not set in stone that we all are here to play the same role

Watch your own child being born and you would feel differently

Very hard to put into words but it was like everything aligned at that moment something programmed deep inside handed down for millions of years

Nothing comes close and never will

Osborne · 11-07-2019 10:02pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Nothing comes close and never will

To you.

SEPT 23 1989 · 11-07-2019 10:03pm

Osborne wrote: »

To you.

Yes to me and billons of others

lbc2019 · 11-07-2019 10:03pm

On boards- v common.

iamwhoiam · 11-07-2019 10:04pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Watch your own child being born and you would feel differently

Very hard to put into words but it was like everything aligned at that moment something programmed deep inside handed down for millions of years

Nothing comes close and never will

Don’t patronise me !
I had three and saw them all . You are not the only one on this earth who had a child
We all have a role on this earth , so that was yours but don’t be so sure its everyones role

Tell me how · 11-07-2019 10:04pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Yes to me and billons of others

But not everyone feels that way. Not through selfishness or apathy, they just don't.

Gimme A Pound · 11-07-2019 10:05pm

Nah I'd say it's true. People who don't have children (myself included) can't dispute it. The only people who are in a position to dispute it are others who have children - and I'd prefer SEPT 23 1989's view on it than not!

Osborne · 11-07-2019 10:05pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Yes to me and billons of others

You've made my point really. Billions of others isn't everyone I'm afraid.

iamwhoiam · 11-07-2019 10:07pm

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

Nah I'd say it's true. People who don't have children (myself included) can't dispute it. The only people who are in a position to dispute it are others who have children - and I'd prefer SEPT 23 1989's view on it than not!

No one is disputing Sept23 role . I am disputing his opinion that its evryone on earths role

Gimme A Pound · 11-07-2019 10:08pm

iamwhoiam wrote: »

No one is disputing Sept23 role . I am disputing his opinion that its evryone on earths role

I mean when he says it's the best feeling ever.

But yeah it's not everyone's purpose.

lbc2019 · 11-07-2019 10:09pm

Anyone want an iguana? Jubjub?

eviltwin · 11-07-2019 10:11pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Watch your own child being born and you would feel differently

Very hard to put into words but it was like everything aligned at that moment something programmed deep inside handed down for millions of years

Nothing comes close and never will

I carried and delivered my children and as much as I love being their mother its far from my purpose or anyone else's. It's great you feel that way but don't patronise those who don't share your opinion.

iamwhoiam · 11-07-2019 10:12pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

nobody was put on this earth "for a reason"

its nice that the poster feels that way about becoming a father though.

Its lovely that the poster feels that way . My dispute with him was not about his feelings but about him announcing it was the reason “ we “ were put on earth .

Thelonious Monk · 11-07-2019 10:12pm

lbc2019 wrote: »

Anyone want an iguana? Jubjub?

Really considering getting a cat but given I'm in Spain now till middle of August I'm not sure it's feasible unless I give up the summers in the sun

lbc2019 · 11-07-2019 10:13pm

I was not put on this earth to reproduce!

I was sent here by the goddess Xena to be fabulous!

lbc2019 · 11-07-2019 10:14pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Really considering getting a cat but given I'm in Spain now till middle of August I'm not sure it's feasible unless I give up the summers in the sun

I have a cat. He brings me dead birds.

s7ryf3925pivug · 11-07-2019 10:14pm

the no kids thing is very common. A lot of people struggle to conceive these days - due to trying later but also ageneral decline in fertility. Lots of people in quiet despair.

lbc2019 · 11-07-2019 10:14pm

Lochlan Massive Show-off wrote: »

the no kids thing is very common. A lot of people struggle to conceive these days - due to trying later but also ageneral decline in fertility. Lots of people in quiet despair.

And a lot DONT WANT KIDS

Thelonious Monk · 11-07-2019 10:17pm

Children of men

anewme · 11-07-2019 10:18pm

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

iamwhoiam wrote: »

No one is disputing Sept23 role . I am disputing his opinion that its evryone on earths role

I mean when he says it's the best feeling ever.

But yeah it's not everyone's purpose.

Plenty of things are the best feeling ever. It depends on what your triggers zre.

Ive no children, no interest.

During weekends, I am a support mail volunteer.

When you get feedback from somebody you've helped, thats the best feeling ever.

When my Mum tells the dog Im coming to visit and she sits excitedly waiting at the window till I show up and goes mad barking as i pull in the car, thats the best feeling ever.

Gimme A Pound · 11-07-2019 10:19pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Children of men

The Handmaid's Tale! :eek:

Sorry about that · 11-07-2019 10:19pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I became a father at 22 and the moment I watched my daughter come into this world I knew that this is the reason we are put on this earth

money flash cars best of clothes all along the way but nothing will ever compare to that night

Such a lovely post. Great Dad. I agree completely with you, no more than I respect those who recoil at the thought of parenthood. Surprised at the pedantic responses to your lovely perception of the experience.

iamwhoiam · 11-07-2019 10:20pm

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

The Handmaid's Tale! :eek:

Blessed be the fruit

Gimme A Pound · 11-07-2019 10:22pm

anewme wrote: »

Plenty of things are the best feeling ever. It depends on what your triggers zre.

Ive no children, no interest.

During weekends, I am a support mail volunteer.

When you get feedback from somebody you've helped, thats the best feeling ever.

When my Mum tells the dog Im coming to visit and she sits excitedly waiting at the window till I show up and goes mad barking as i pull in the car, thats the best feeling ever.

But all I'm saying is that people who don't have children can't dispute that it's the best feeling ever when their child is born. I'd say it is. But I'll never know as i don't want children - never did (tried to make myself as I really felt I should, but never developed those feelings) so I won't miss what I don't know.

cannotlogin · 11-07-2019 10:27pm

Austria! wrote: »

cannotlogin wrote: »

Why do people never feel sorry for the men whose wife/partner cleared just settled for them just so they could have children? Panic buying. It's very common too.

Why would I feel sorry for them? That's what I'm hoping for.

With a sense of humour like that, they may not be settling! ;-)

Toto Wolfcastle · 11-07-2019 10:36pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Watch your own child being born and you would feel differently

Very hard to put into words but it was like everything aligned at that moment something programmed deep inside handed down for millions of years

Nothing comes close and never will

To you. For me, nothing will ever come close to the feeling of love and closeness I felt towards my husband in the week following our failed IVF. When you're at your saddest and most vulnerable, it's incredibly powerful to look at the man you married and realise that he's everything you need in life. I always wanted children, but I very quickly realised that I'm fulfilled with our without.

11-07-2019 11:03pm

the thing about advice/comments like "watch your child being born and you'd feel very differently" is that its not much feckin good finding out that way that you still disagree!

there are millions of feckless parents in the world who - even if they felt exactly as described the moment each newborn was put in their hands- still ought not be bestowed with any particular merit or importance for demonstrating a biological ability that they share with most other creatures on the planet.

there are millions of parents who are a pleasure to watch in that role and are everyday examples of the best of humanity- giving of themselves for the benefit of love.

there are millions of people who dont have kids who fall all over the spectrum of human happiness with their lot.

humans are humans, in short, doing human stuff

its really not worth getting het up over, and its such a fundamental question that there is no answer that works for anyone but the individual.

Greyfox · 11-07-2019 11:05pm

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I became a father at 22 and the moment I watched my daughter come into this world I knew that this is the reason we are put on this earth

money flash cars best of clothes all along the way but nothing will ever compare to that night

I dont want kids and ive no intetest in flash cars or fancy clothes. But what i do like is having the the option of doing new and different things, meeting new people and having free time. You sound like a lovely guy and it sounds like you have a lovely daughter... my fear is IF you start to miss having time to yourself there's no way back for you

pgj2015 · 11-07-2019 11:10pm

I feel this world is moving in the wrong direction, robots taking a lot of jobs, people obsessed with smart phones and social media, i hope im gone before it gets too unbearable so i couldn't bring kids into the world to face what is coming, i would feel bad if i did that.

11-07-2019 11:20pm

^^ it's only the kids that are going to save it..

circadian · 11-07-2019 11:42pm

As a parent of two kids, I'm eternly knackered. I love them and wouldn't change it for the world.

At the same time I can be envious of people who are childfree. Living life with very few hindrances or restrictions, I can certainly appreciate both lifestyles.

It's a huge commitment to have children and anyone getting preachy about how it give you purpose or some other **** needs to wise up. Noone is under any obligation to do anything.

nthclare · 11-07-2019 11:51pm

Never been married myself or lived with anyone, my sons nearly 20, im 43.

Quite happily single, as a lot of my female friends who have younger kids and are single find it very hard to get a connection.

Their only spare time is when the dad takes the kids every second weekend, they meet nice guys but eventually the guys burn out because they want to be spontaneous now and again.
But spontaneity doesn't mix with relationships...

When the youngest reaches 18 all that changes and they've no problem meeting good guy's.

Its sad really and frustrating for women on the dating scene,when they're full time parents.

I've no interest at the moment, its not hard to get a date but I like to be solo.

Maybe in a few years ill meet someone who's similar to myself, spontaneous adventurous and like bushcraft and the great outdoors....

Im not into the drinking scene etc, like good food though and hippie gatherings, farmers markets and other ferral activities....

Born to be wild

SirChenjin · 11-07-2019 11:53pm

Toto Wolfcastle wrote: »

To you. For me, nothing will ever come close to the feeling of love and closeness I felt towards my husband in the week following our failed IVF. When you're at your saddest and most vulnerable, it's incredibly powerful to look at the man you married and realise that he's everything you need in life. I always wanted children, but I very quickly realised that I'm fulfilled with our without.

+1 to this.

Blaizes · 12-07-2019 12:04am

Lucca Nutty Vow wrote: »

rireland wrote: »

I often meet some women in their mid 30's who are single and planned on having kids. How common is it for them to not have them?

I feel bad for them.

I was on a date with one who was 35 and she said she had planned on having kids but it's too risky for her now.

Even men and other women, how common is it for them to never find someone they love?

I think women who really want children usually find a good guy quickly and settle down early in life, you wouldnt find them out on a friday/saturday night partying in the club, its just a quieter family orientated lifesyle they want. The other women tend to be career women, and prioritise their career/goals first and will put off having children until sometime in their thirties, because they want to be free in their twenties to travel and party and what not, without the responsibilities of raising children. There differently is a risk to having children later in life, for example a child's risk of autism rises with the age of the child's mother. I think older people will tend to reason things out, unlike some young people who may not know what their getting themselves into. And if you do reason it out - having children costs a lot of money and there is a risk too that the child may have a disability, or the relationship breaks down... they are many sane reasons to not have children. I think having children is a sacrifice that will pay off later in life, I knew a daughter who took care of her mother until death. So you take care of the children when their younger and they will take of you when your old and sick, thats the circle of life.

While I would agree with some of your points, I wouldn’t agree that having children is a sacrifice that will pay off later in life in that they will take care of you when you are old. I hope nobody would have children for that reason and certainly in Ireland now when people have kids I think it’s the furthest thing from their mind. But probably was a thing in Ireland in the past like giving the farm to the eldest son who would then look after the parents. In other cultures too female infanticide, as boy babies were seen as superior, being stronger and could provide Labour to support the family.

12-07-2019 12:43am

Blaizes wrote: »

While I would agree with some of your points, I wouldn’t agree that having children is a sacrifice that will pay off later in life in that they will take care of you when you are old.

Youre living in dreamland if you believe that. My mum lives 3 hours drive from me and 2 hours from my brother. We. Both have families of our own and mortgages to pay and she won't budge from her house. So she has no one to take care of her. I don't expect my kids to take care of me when I'm old

12-07-2019 12:44am

Blaizes wrote: »

While I would agree with some of your points, I wouldn’t agree that having children is a sacrifice that will pay off later in life in that they will take care of you when you are old. I hope nobody would have children for that reason and certainly in Ireland now when people have kids I think it’s the furthest thing from their mind. But probably was a thing in Ireland in the past like giving the farm to the eldest son who would then look after the parents. In other cultures too female infanticide, as boy babies were seen as superior, being stronger and could provide Labour to support the family.

For whatever reasons the children are born, they most certainly do have an obligation to take care of their parents as they age. This may not be in the form of money, but for well being and health. I know a friend who's mother had a stroke, she became incoherent, and had a long path to recovery. Only for her family, nobody would have really cared for her, as everybody else was busy with their own lives. Her children took turns visiting her in hospital and ensured she was being treated right, when she got out of hospital, they hired a person to take care of her in her home while they were out working. This included alot of interviewing to get the right person. No way could all this be done if she was on her own. And you hear too many stories of neglect in hospitals and nursing homes. Alot of old people die early too without purpose in their life, their children/grand children and seeing them grow, can give them alot of purpose and feeling of belonging in life.

12-07-2019 1:05am

Lucca Nutty Vow wrote: »

For whatever reasons the children are born, they most certainly do have an obligation to take care of their parents as they age. This may not be in the form of money, but for well being and health. I know a friend who's mother had a stroke, she became incoherent, and had a long path to recovery. Only for her family, nobody would have really cared for her, as everybody else was busy with their own lives. Her children took turns visiting her in hospital and ensured she was being treated right, when she got out of hospital, they hired a person to take care of her in her home while they were out working. This included alot of interviewing to get the right person. No way could all this be done if she was on her own. And you hear too many stories of neglect in hospitals and nursing homes. Alot of old people die early too without purpose in their life, their children/grand children and seeing them grow, can give them alot of purpose and feeling of belonging in life.

And I mean old like 70's, 80's, 90's... most people can take care of themselves up to retirement age

Optimalprimerib · 12-07-2019 6:42am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Different people have different priorities - I personally feel people prioritise careers way more than they should. Sure it's nice to have money, but you also need time to spend it and someone to spend it on. Money on it's own is nothing to write home about.

Kids are what make life worth living, (well mine anyway) not holidays or cars, certainly not a job, or in fact anything material. We're all going to end up in a box at the end of the day (metaphorically speaking, I'd be fairly sure most of us will see tomorrow:eek:)

No one ever lies on their death bed wishing they'd worked longer hours!

Kids are like dishwashers, unless you have one, you don't need one.

d8491prj5boyvg · 12-07-2019 8:12am

whisky_galore wrote: »

Yeah, dealing with shîtty nappies and tantrums makes life complete. Each to their own.

Yeah. Fortnite gives life meaning for me

suicide_circus · 12-07-2019 8:35am

Toto Wolfcastle wrote: »

To you. For me, nothing will ever come close to the feeling of love and closeness I felt towards my husband in the week following our failed IVF. When you're at your saddest and most vulnerable, it's incredibly powerful to look at the man you married and realise that he's everything you need in life. I always wanted children, but I very quickly realised that I'm fulfilled with our without.

that actually brought a lump to my throat. but, with respect, what other way could you feel? your sanity and happiness demanded it.

Blaizes · 12-07-2019 10:04am

Deleted User wrote: »

Blaizes wrote: »

While I would agree with some of your points, I wouldn’t agree that having children is a sacrifice that will pay off later in life in that they will take care of you when you are old.

Youre living in dreamland if you believe that. My mum lives 3 hours drive from me and 2 hours from my brother. We. Both have families of our own and mortgages to pay and she won't budge from her house. So she has no one to take care of her. I don't expect my kids to take care of me when I'm old

You need to re read what I wrote what I said was that people should not beget children with the expectation said children will nurse the into old age. That would be the most narcissistic reason ever for having children.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 12-07-2019 11:11am

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

But all I'm saying is that people who don't have children can't dispute that it's the best feeling ever when their child is born. I'd say it is. But I'll never know as i don't want children - never did (tried to make myself as I really felt I should, but never developed those feelings) so I won't miss what I don't know.

Do you know, two friends of mine who are dads told me how freaked out they were when their kids were born because they were ready and waiting for this overwhelming wave of love and purpose and everything to hit them...and it didn't. Both great dads who went on to bond perfectly normally with their newborns and would die for their kids, one of them is a stay at home dad to his two now but they spent the first few weeks worrying there was something seriously wrong with them because they bought into the "the second you see your child everything changes" narrative. It's not the same for everyone who has kids even.

How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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