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Preparing for death

  • 23-06-2020 9:10pm
    #1
    Thoie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭


    Someone close to me has received a terminal diagnosis. We have a bit of time, and they're still very able at the moment, and they'd like to start some preparation.

    They've already created a document for me and others with details of insurance policies, bank accounts, etc, and have indicated that they'd like to go through that document with me next week.

    It's a grim thing to plan, but what else should we be thinking about? For example, is it worth changing utility bills to a different name in advance? What about things like car ownership? I presume funeral wishes should be thought through as well, but I don't know whether to bring these things up, or wait for them to mention it.


Comments

  • #2
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,369 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    I'm very sorry to hear this.

    If the person is under the care of a hospice, for example, they are usually very helpful in terms of this kind of preparation.

    Don't underestimate the effect it will have on you, going through a list, and talking about what is to come. It's not going to be easy. In relation to funeral wishes, I think the best thing just now is to be led by them, in terms of that conversation.

    I know of situations where someone has scripted exactly what they want, from music to readings. Others do not, so do trust yourself and others involved that you will know what would be appropriate to the person, when the time comes.

    From a purely practical point of view, the link below might help in terms of things that need to be done, afterwards. The RIP.ie website also has some useful tips and links about what to do beforehand.

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057616819

    All the best.


  • #3
    Thoie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    HildaOgdenx wrote: »

    From a purely practical point of view, the link below might help in terms of things that need to be done, afterwards. The RIP.ie website also has some useful tips and links about what to do beforehand.

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057616819

    All the best.


    Thank you. I've also come across this document "Think Ahead" from the Irish Hospice Foundation, which covers most of the things we'll need to go through. Have to admit, I'm getting upset just reading the form, so I expect it will be a pretty soggy conversation.


  • #4
    8kczg9v0swrydm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 119 ✭✭8kczg9v0swrydm


    Hi Thoie, sorry to hear about your situation.

    Many people, especially the older folks, find it immensely comforting to talk to a priest - they want to have some idea of 'what's on the other side' and a priest can really put them at ease and listen to their worries.


  • #5
    Thoie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    Meredith Polite Sushi wrote: »
    Hi Thoie, sorry to hear about your situation.

    Many people, especially the older folks, find it immensely comforting to talk to a priest - they want to have some idea of 'what's on the other side' and a priest can really put them at ease and listen to their worries.

    The person in question isn't religious, but I do think it would be helpful for them to talk to someone. Unfortunately they're of the generation that doesn't easily talk about their feelings, and just get on with things. I've tried just "being there" to listen, but it hasn't elicited anything so far. I don't want to start "quizzing" them, and demanding to know how they're feeling. I've let them know that I'm available to listen any time, but don't want to force it.


  • #6
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Hi OP, so sorry to hear about your situation and that of your loved one - I've been through it with both parents when they were relatively young. Going through the practicalities can be very cathartic for them, I guess because they are planning and trying to make things easier for those eventually left behind, and it keeps them busy, and it feels like taking a little control in a situation where they seem to have none. It will be upsetting for you both now and when you have to act on it, but the ritual of organising things will prove to be very useful for both of you in different ways.

    One thing that did make it easier in my case was that we opened a joint account in the Credit Union with a small amount of money in it that automatically transferred to me when they passed away. This made paying for a lot of expenses easier and less of a burden than it would have been, plus allowed for me to make routine repairs to the family home until it was sold. In terms of utilities etc. it doesn't really matter, although there's slightly less paperwork involved if they're transferred now. I have to say almost every company/government department I dealt with in both cases actually handle death very well and the biggest row I had was trying to get VHI to stop sending me statements of their medical bills years after they were gone! Car ownership was one of the easiest to transfer after the fact with minimal fuss, and tying up their affairs with Revenue was probably the most protracted because I needed their income details for the year each of them died (which were hard to pin down).

    I'm assuming as you haven't mentioned a Will that they already have that squared away but if not, please do try and get it sorted.

    Some resources we found good at the time were charities involved with the specific illnesses they had, an online forum similar to boards called agingcare.com (trust me, they are really good) and I have to say the local priest (who wouldn't give a good sermon on a good day but was exceptional around talking about death at a pace they were ready for). It'll feel like the longest and shortest journey of your life so do mind yourself, and shoot me a PM if you have any questions at all.


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  • #7
    Thoie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I'm assuming as you haven't mentioned a Will that they already have that squared away but if not, please do try and get it sorted.

    Thanks Bootsy, lots to go through there. The wills are pinned down, and I know which solicitor has them, and all beneficiaries are aware of the contents, so there shouldn't be any surprises/arguments about that side of things.

    It also prompted me to update my own, which I did during lockdown, but didn't get witnessed (due to lock down!). I mustn't forget that bit.


  • #8
    Graces7
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 32,634 ✭✭✭✭Graces7


    Thoie wrote: »
    Someone close to me has received a terminal diagnosis. We have a bit of time, and they're still very able at the moment, and they'd like to start some preparation.

    They've already created a document for me and others with details of insurance policies, bank accounts, etc, and have indicated that they'd like to go through that document with me next week.

    It's a grim thing to plan, but what else should we be thinking about? For example, is it worth changing utility bills to a different name in advance? What about things like car ownership? I presume funeral wishes should be thought through as well, but I don't know whether to bring these things up, or wait for them to mention it.

    My heart goes out to you. You are a blessing to your friend.

    This is something I am working on for myself; not for existing terminal illness but because I am old now, and all who are dear to me and will have to sort this out whenever I die, need to know all this. And are overseas.

    I truly think that this should be done by all of us? To ease our loved ones.

    Yes re funeral wishes. I am doing that too. It will ease it for them. Place of burial too. Very important.

    And provision for my cats etc.

    I need to know too who is empowered to eg close bank accounts? An executor? A named person? So I am emailing the customer service folk at my banks.

    Also need to notify pension sources. If any Social Welfare ?

    >>Mod Snip <<


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