Is my ex playing games?

LegacyUser · 15-05-2016 6:13pm #1

I dated this girl for a year and things weren't working out. We both felt that way, but I was the one to initiate the break up. I may have botched the break up by insulting her unintentionally, and she was a bit offended. We soon "made up" and agreed that splitting up was the right thing to do.

We also agreed to be friends. I had no problem with this because we got on really well, but there just wasn't a relationship spark. So we went on as friends for about a month after our break up, even meeting up a couple of times just to catch up.

Then she became very distant. I would message her and get no reply or just one word responses. I thought she might have had second thoughts about being friends so I questioned her about it and she just said that she was very busy with work and study. So I accepted this and moved on.

But this behavior continued with her not responding to my messages for weeks and always claiming that she was busy. I confronted her again about this because I don't know any friend that doesn't have a spare minute to reply to a message, even when they're busy. I even have two other close female friends that are in full time jobs and doing a part time masters and they always have time to send me a message. I guess I felt very offended for being ignored.

She told me that we were just friends and I shouldn't be expecting so much from her. I know that we're no longer together, but I do expect a response to my messages at some stage - it's the same expectation I have with all of my friends! And now she is back to ignoring me again and I've no idea why.

I just want to be clear that I have no romantic intentions with her and I just want to stay friends, but she is making it very difficult. Why would she be doing this? I'm starting to feel very stupid and I'm coming across as very needy when I send message after message with no response.

Is it best to just cut her out of my life?

Tilly · 15-05-2016 10:47pm

She clearly doesn't want to be friends. Leave her alone and move on. Stop bugging her with texts and questioning her because she's no interest in replying to you.

woodchuck · 15-05-2016 10:49pm

deusexmachina wrote: »

Is it best to just cut her out of my life?

Yes!!

She is giving you very strong hints that she doesn't want to be friends, or at the very least doesn't want to be close friends. Just leave her be...

pgj2015 · 15-05-2016 10:53pm

Is it best to just cut her out of my life?

yes, forget about her, there are plenty of other people out there who can be your friend, its generally a really bad idea to stay friends with an ex and she is either playing games,has met someone else or is just not bothered being friends.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2016 10:55pm

I know it seems like she doesn't want to be friends but anytime I suggest calling it quits she says she wants to stay friends. I stopped messaging her for a while and she contacted me for a chat (which ended up ending abruptly when she never wrote back after a few messages).

If she really didn't want to be friends why would she keep saying that she does, especially when she had so many opportunities to end the friendship but didn't choose to do it?

It's really strange behavior.

woodchuck · 16-05-2016 6:51am

deusexmachina wrote: »

I know it seems like she doesn't want to be friends but anytime I suggest calling it quits she says she wants to stay friends. I stopped messaging her for a while and she contacted me for a chat (which ended up ending abruptly when she never wrote back after a few messages).

If she really didn't want to be friends why would she keep saying that she does, especially when she had so many opportunities to end the friendship but didn't choose to do it?

It's really strange behavior.

Maybe because she knows it's not healthy to keep in contact with you, but she can't help herself. An alcoholic could be doing really well staying away from drink, but if you ask them "Oh so you never want to drink again, I'll just destroy the worlds supply of alcohol?", they're always going to want one last drink.

Get it?

I think it's better for you both to just break contact. I don't know what sort of relationship you think you have atm, but it's not friendship...

LegacyUser · 16-05-2016 10:00am

deusexmachina wrote: »

I do expect a response to my messages at some stage - it's the same expectation I have with all of my friends!

Really? Pretty demanding approach to friendship. Friendships are voluntary, not entitlements or conscripted, you have no right to an answer, only the hope that you'll get one.
To be honest, there's an intensity to your posts that a lot of people would find off-putting for a potential friendship. I think your ex may be feeling that and while she's reluctant to let go, she wants you at arms length because of your demanding approach to communication. I don't blame her and maybe you could help her by leaving her alone, then help yourself by learning the lesson that friendship don't involve the kind of pressure you've been putting her under to keep in touch.

HalloweenJack · 16-05-2016 11:00am

I'd say wait for her to get in touch next. That should give you a fair idea of what she wants from you.

ChampagnePop · 16-05-2016 11:46am

I think you need to apologise to your ex for your behaviour, it sounds like your almost harassing her, it's really not okay to.

If you want a friendship then let her respond in her own time, give her space and she'll come back to you if she wants!!

Mr. Incognito · 16-05-2016 12:13pm

I think you are the one playing games.

Leave the poor girl alone and stop melting her head. You are coming across as very needy and If my friends were that needy I wouldnt be replying either

tara73 · 16-05-2016 12:44pm

deusexmachina wrote: »

If she really didn't want to be friends why would she keep saying that she does, especially when she had so many opportunities to end the friendship but didn't choose to do it?

It's really strange behavior.

she probably just likes the attention you are giving her plenty. nothing more. and yes, you can call that playing games. nothing really strange, just no good caracter attitude.

so agree with the other posters, keep your dignity and don't contact her anymore. take control of the situation and make your own decision based on this behaviour you don't like. call the 'friendship' quits.

baldbear · 16-05-2016 12:52pm

deusexmachina wrote: »

Is it best to just cut her out of my life?

I thinks shes already saved you the trouble.

Texting and "confronting" someone over their lack of response ia not sensible & not worth the hassle.

KikiDee · 16-05-2016 1:36pm

I don't think she's playing games. I think she's trying to move on. And you should really do the same. Cut contact.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2016 2:35pm

It's not intense or strange to have expectations in a friendship, and expecting messages to be replied to within "a few weeks" is perfectly normal. Obviously this is not going to happen with her so cut her off. I don't think she's playing games or can't cut you off. By "staying friends" she probably meant "not parting on bad terms", i.e. Would have a friendly chat if she ran into you but not much more. Or she likes the idea of being an easy, breezy "I'm friends with all my exes" type but has no interest in you and your life. Either way, when it comes to friendship actions matter far more than words. I could claim any random person was my best friend. Would the words make it true? You're not friends.

LLMMLL · 16-05-2016 2:36pm

It's not intense or strange to have expectations in a friendship, and expecting messages to be replied to within "a few weeks" is perfectly normal. Obviously this is not going to happen with her so cut her off. I don't think she's playing games or can't cut you off. By "staying friends" she probably meant "not parting on bad terms", i.e. Would have a friendly chat if she ran into you but not much more. Or she likes the idea of being an easy, breezy "I'm friends with all my exes" type but has no interest in you and your life. Either way, when it comes to friendship actions matter far more than words. I could claim any random person was my best friend. Would the words make it true? You're not friends.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-05-2016 3:56pm

The difference between her and your other friends is she's your ex. "We can still be friends" is a clichéd line said by people who genuinely mean it at the time but as time goes on realise they have enough friends! Some people can and do stay friends with exes. Often the couple just drift apart and may bump into each other or hear from each other very occasionally. It sounds like you're just contacting her too much, or more than she is happy with. Maybe she's starting to see someone new and hasn't as much need for you as a friend?

I think at this stage you need to accept you're not friends. You're exes. Rely on your other friends for friendship. Let your ex go. Someone needs to be the one to cut the ties.

kylith · 16-05-2016 5:26pm

It's very possible that by 'friends' she means 'checking in every few months, and not arguing if we bump into each other'. It's very, very difficult to remain good friends with an ex and is usually a bad idea for all concerned.

Don't contact her again. If she gets in touch decide if you want to respond. If you contact her and she doesn't respond accept that as her answer.

Augme · 16-05-2016 6:32pm

If she doesn't want to friends then she should just be honest and say it. It seems she is clearly too immature to deal with this in an adult manner though. OP, that should be a good reason to cut contact with her. You don't want immature people as friends, too much hassle. Cut contact and be glad to get rid of her.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2016 7:44pm

Guessed wrote: »

Really? Pretty demanding approach to friendship. Friendships are voluntary, not entitlements or conscripted, you have no right to an answer, only the hope that you'll get one.
To be honest, there's an intensity to your posts that a lot of people would find off-putting for a potential friendship. I think your ex may be feeling that and while she's reluctant to let go, she wants you at arms length because of your demanding approach to communication. I don't blame her and maybe you could help her by leaving her alone, then help yourself by learning the lesson that friendship don't involve the kind of pressure you've been putting her under to keep in touch.

I said I would reply to your post because it seems to be the most thanked.

I do understand I have no right to an answer from any friend, but if a friend thinks I'm not worth the time to respond to, are they really a friend? Can I ask, do you have "friends" that constantly ignore you and never want to meet for a chat? If so, how are they a friend?

Maybe I'm coming at this all wrong, but I really value friendships and don't appreciate being messed around for no reason. I guess I do sound a bit intense, but I just get worked up when I'm treated like that.

OnTheCouch · 16-05-2016 8:18pm

OP I think you've fallen into the trap at least twice here of taking what people say literally.

First of all, unless the person is particularly cold-hearted, finishing with someone, whether they do the dumping or are being dumped, will be fairly tough. I think like 99 percent of people in these situations, she said she still wanted to be friends to try and save face (seeing as it was you that finished with her - vice versa would have been an attempt to cushion the blow obviously). I think it's a lot easier to go from good friends to a relationship than the other way round and she probably realised this pretty quickly. Now she is either seeing someone else or has closed the chapter of you in her life and wants to move on.

Don't take this the wrong way as it happens to most of us, but she may also have realised that being with you wasn't right for her, not necessarily anything against you per se, but just that perhaps timing and circumstances were not the best. She probably believes she can make a better fist of a relationship next time. Hence you are relegated to the past memories column and she no longer wants you in her present reality.

And as you rightly suspected yourself, the 'too busy' excuse is rubbish. Along with its first cousins of 'I have no money' and 'I feel unwell,' 90 percent of the time these lines are used when they don't want to see/converse with/ring you (again not necessarily because you are a bad person) and can't think of anything else that won't be too insulting. Even President Obama I'm sure finds time to communicate with friends. So no one is too busy, or perhaps very occasionally at most.

As another poster said however, friendship is a voluntary act, you can't force her to do anything. I would wait and see if she contacts you and if she doesn't, well at least you know for sure her feelings. Good luck with everything.

16-05-2016 8:23pm

Unfortunately she thinks its nicer to pretend to still be friends then lead you on waiting for you to figure it out rather than being upfront with you.

woodchuck · 16-05-2016 8:44pm

deusexmachina wrote: »

I do understand I have no right to an answer from any friend, but if a friend thinks I'm not worth the time to respond to, are they really a friend? Can I ask, do you have "friends" that constantly ignore you and never want to meet for a chat? If so, how are they a friend?

No, that person is not a friend. But most people just naturally let these so called friendships fizzle out without making a big deal about it. Your approach sounds very intense and even if someone was genuinely busy etc, then what you're doing would push them away even more. Why are you so desperate to stay friends with her?

Tilly · 16-05-2016 8:52pm

deusexmachina wrote: »

I do understand I have no right to an answer from any friend, but if a friend thinks I'm not worth the time to respond to, are they really a friend? Can I ask, do you have "friends" that constantly ignore you and never want to meet for a chat? If so, how are they a friend?.

You just answered your own question.

You're not friends. Walk away and please stop contacting her and obsessing about this non friendship. You're not doing yourself any favours here by thinking you're friends.

rainbowtrout · 16-05-2016 9:53pm

My take on the 'We can stay friends' line is 'no hard feelings, i'm not that into you, you're a decent person, and if I run into you in public in the future I'll be civil and say hello, and might even stop to chat for 5 minutes about stuff that is of no importance but I have no intention of maintaining contact like a regular friendship because it was never that in the first place and can't be now'.

I think this is what you have OP. Stop contacting her because she doesn't want to forge a friendship, but if you run into her somewhere in the future she will probably say hello and not giving you daggers.

SarahMollie · 18-05-2016 10:39am

deusexmachina wrote: »

I know it seems like she doesn't want to be friends but anytime I suggest calling it quits she says she wants to stay friends. I stopped messaging her for a while and she contacted me for a chat (which ended up ending abruptly when she never wrote back after a few messages).

If she really didn't want to be friends why would she keep saying that she does, especially when she had so many opportunities to end the friendship but didn't choose to do it?

It's really strange behavior.

"Lets stay friends" is one of the biggest cliches going when relationships end.

In my head, what it really means is, lets be civil and respectful ex's. Lets be friendly, rather than friends. Expecting to be besties is just not realistic, so you should just treat her like any other casual acquaintance and be nice and polite if/when you see her, but leave it at that.

The fact that she's "messing you about" as you see it, means that she's probably not as over the break up and has conflicting feelings about being in touch with you. For both your sakes, leave her be.

PressRun · 18-05-2016 3:42pm

She might have conflicting feelings about being broken up or maybe she's just one of those people who isn't really into 'being friends' with exes (in the sense of regularly texting, Facebook messages, etc.). Maybe, from her point of view, she's happy for things to be civil whenever you bump into each other, but as far as she's concerned, friendly acquaintances is all it is. In any case, I think you need to simmer it down and stop trying to force something that she clearly isn't all that interested in reciprocating.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 18-05-2016 7:02pm

At the very least ye have different expectations of a friendship with each other. Honestly, I have friends I'd only talk to every few months or so, some people are just very flaky/low-maintenance/whatever you want to call it friends, and those kind of people tend to balk at what they see as intense or needy forms of friendship even if they really like the other person. There are a few people I'm friends with who'd message me and I forget about it or whatever, and it gets to the point where there's five messages in a row from them and I just don't know where to even start responding, it nearly becomes a chore.

It's also possible that she's met someone new and is feeling uneasy about being in contact with you. Or she just doesn't know what she wants. Or she's deliberately or subconsciously messing you around for any number of reasons. Or she doesn't want to be friends but doesn't want to be the bad guy by saying so.

Whatever it is, the situation is no good for you. Cut her out, be polite if you run into each other. You sound like someone who gives and gets plenty from the friendships you have anyway, I don't see what you get out of staying in this head wreck.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2016 8:21am

People say it for all sorts of reasons. Usually trying not to hurt the others person's feelings. I have friends that I contact most days. Then I have friends that I contacted every few months. Then I have friends I contact maybe once or twice a year.

She's happy to be your friend. She just doesn't want to be one of your "everyday friends". She's happy enough to be your occasional friend that hears from you a couple of times a year. There's nothing wrong with that. If she wanted to be in very regular contact with you, she'd probably still be your gf.

SarahMollie · 19-05-2016 9:28am

LegoFriends wrote: »

People say it for all sorts of reasons. Usually trying not to hurt the others person's feelings. I have friends that I contact most days. Then I have friends that I contacted every few months. Then I have friends I contact maybe once or twice a year.

She's happy to be your friend. She just doesn't want to be one of your "everyday friends". She's happy enough to be your occasional friend that hears from you a couple of times a year. There's nothing wrong with that. If she wanted to be in very regular contact with you, she'd probably still be your gf.

Exactly. I have friends who I see almost daily, friends who I meet up with once a month, and some older friends where we make the effort every couple of months.

They're all my friends however, but some are just closer than others.

The OP seems to interpret being friends as being besties, but that is typically not the best way to move on from a romantic relationship. It sounds like the ex is maybe happy to be occasional friends and harbour no ill will, which most people would view as a result after the end of relationship.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2016 10:07am

SarahMollie wrote: »

It sounds like the ex is maybe happy to be occasional friends and harbour no ill will, which most people would view as a result after the end of relationship.

Especially after being dumped and insulted!

OP, some posters are saying she should just come out and tell you that she doesn't want to be friends. She has done, but in a less blunt way. She has told you that you are now "just friends" and you are expecting too much of her. Maybe at first she was ok with trying to be friends, but maybe as time moved on she found that you were looking for too much, maybe (in an effort to be "cool" about the break up) she felt you were coming on a bit strong? Being too intense? Her saying you were expecting too much from her would certainly suggest this. And you saying you "confronted" her would also suggest this.

I have friends/acquaintances that I don't dislike. They're nice people, they're fine but not the type of person I'd want to spend too much of my free time with! Maybe it's time to realise that you have become that for your ex. You're grand. She doesn't dislike you. If she met you in a social situation she'd be happy to sit and have a chat...But she 'wouldn't go looking for you', as they say around here!

Is my ex playing games?

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