Beating myself up

LegacyUser · 15-05-2016 10:28pm #1

Not sure how to write this. I'm having a "relationship" problem, so I'm looking for some advice.

I've been single for about 14 months (late March 2014). We had been together for about 10 years, but things had been going downhill for about 2 years. I ended up breaking up with her, mainly due to massive arguments we'd been having.

I haven't really been interested in dating since then, until recently. There is this one woman who I'm interested in, and went on a date or two. Nothing happened, bar a couple of kisses. However, this woman mentioned that her last partner was very well equipped. This has given me pause, as one of the major arguments I had with my ex was over a related issue.

Apparently, I am on the below average size, which my ex found difficult to cope with. Now, I understand that if there is an average size, then statistically, there must be a below average. (Biologically speaking, everything works according to its purpose.)

I never really considered the issue before, after all there is nothing that I can really do about it. This was never an issue for me before the argument, and I didn't really think about it until this woman I went on the date with brought it up, so to speak.

Due to issues of paranoia, brought on by being bullied a lot during school, it has thrown me into a bit of a funk, to say the least. I'm worried that the woman is going to take one look at me, and make her excuses. Due to the way I think, this has made me quite depressed, which I'm finding hard to snap out of. This isn't helped by the fact that I'm a very shy person, who finds it hard to actually chat to women, and I don't take rejection well.

It has got the point where I'm thinking that there is no point in even going on dates anymore, either with her or with others. All because of something that I can't control.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble. I had hoped that writing it out might help.

Sound Bite · 15-05-2016 10:48pm

I don't mean to be crude but you were big enough for her for the first 8 years!!! It seems like a cheap parting insult from your ex-nothing more, nothing less.

If I were you I wouldn't give it another thought.

bee06 · 15-05-2016 11:47pm

Why in gods name was this new woman talking about her ex with you? Never mind the size of his penis! That's really weird.

Anyway, I'm sure you've heard the cliche that it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it. Cliches are cliches for a reason... Because there is usually truth in it.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2016 12:26am

My first partner in my opinion was way above average and my second relationship was above average also. My third relationship however was a lot smaller,so to speak. In all honesty,it was the best I ever had. It really isn't how big you are,it's how you work it.
Don't write yourself off,go in confident with want you've got

KikiDee · 16-05-2016 1:38pm

Sound Bite wrote: »

I don't mean to be crude but you were big enough for her for the first 8 years!!! It seems like a cheap parting insult from your ex-nothing more, nothing less.

I agree with this completely.

It's quality not quantity my friend!

FortySeven · 16-05-2016 1:54pm

Cheap shot on breakup to hit you where it hurts. Not even worth giving it a second thought.

If she was breaking up with you because of it you might give it some credence but she didn't so chalk it up to breakup vindictiveness and move on in confidence.

Be attentive, give them what they like and don't be selfish and you'll be grand.

Reminds me of a line from a short story by Irvine Welsh about two selfish people.

'Who ye gonnae please wi' tha' tiny 'hing? She asked mockingly.

'Masel' he replied.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2016 7:44pm

My friend, size doesn't really have much to do with things.

Maybe its a preference (again, as has been stated above, that was a cheap shot from your ex) but the size, as I can very much confirm, has nothing to do with it.

I was with a guy last year for example, and he was too big (for me) and I couldn't enjoy it. I am currently seeing a guy, and he is a lot smaller, and the sex is mind blowing!

If that's a preference the current girl you are dating has, fair enough. She's entitled to that. Its all about meeting someone you are compatible with. And should not affect your self confidence.

On a side note, I had an interesting conversation recently with a guy about girls' boobs. His preference, I wouldn't fit! Doesn't mean am going to go around hating my boobs because someone else has a different preference!

Someone will (and does) appreciate them! And the same is true for you.

Emily9031 · 16-05-2016 10:10pm

Well for me the best sex I've ever had was with someone I had a great connection with. We just got on great and loved each other and the fact they were smaller guys made no difference. Its not so important for women. Well for me anyway the foreplay is more important. Ps your well rid of your ex. That's just not nice to say to anybody.

ibarelycare · 17-05-2016 10:14am

I think it's absolutely bizarre that a woman you had a couple of dates with would bring up her ex's penis size. How was that even a topic of conversation?

To be honest I think you should end things with that girl. The comment she made is playing on your confidence and having a really negative affect on you. She obviously brought it up for a reason, so maybe size is important to her. The bottom line is size DOES Matter to some women, and there's nothing wrong with them having their preferences. It's disingenuous to say "size doesn't matter" when it clearly does matter to some people. However there are plenty (I'd guess a majority) of women out there who aren't that bothered about size (unless it's unusually small or large).

To add to the anecdotes of others here, I have had great sex with men who have been below average, and bad sex with men who have been above. I have an ex who was probably average-sized but he was really paranoid about it and always brought up that it was small and that I'd probably had bigger. Constantly having to reassure him was definitely a passion killer.

Use what you have with confidence and never make excuses or apologise for the size of it. And get rid of this current woman!

SarahMollie · 17-05-2016 4:57pm

I agree, I think the comment from your ex was likely a cheap shot to hit you where it hurts, and by all accounts, she succeeded. You should chalk that comment up to bitterness and forget about it.

As for the girl you were recently seeing.... I find that just bizarre. How does that even come up in conversation? It sounds extremely juvenile, and I'm assuming she's not a teenager based on your own age, so very odd altogether.

retro:electro · 17-05-2016 6:31pm

I've a feeling it came up in conversation with his new girl he's seeing because the op is so insecure about it and asked how her ex measured up. I've a friend with a similar insecurity and he is constantly talking about it and asking how other guys measure up, and he also asks new flames how big their exes were. Where this is an issue for some people it can manifest as a kind of obsession too. Op did this girl really say that to you? Or are you just twisting her words to fit your insecurity? There's a big difference in someone saying, "I've had much bigger than you before" and you asking "were your exes well endowed" and them replying yes.

squonk · 20-05-2016 12:08pm

My thought is why the girl the OP is dating currently hasn't seen red flags and is trying to move on. As a bloke if someone I was seeing a short while brought up questions about the attributes of my exes, then I'd be seeing some serious red flags. It's only been one or two dates so why is this even coming up? I think it's still at the stage where intimate details of exes is none of anyone's business besides the two people involved in the previous relationship. In cases where I've had breakups I would never volunteer any information on my impressions of my exes bodies or attributes to someone I didn't really know. Even in a not so amicable case it's still disrespectful and unfair to the exes involved.

OP, move the hell on. Break up with this girl you are seeing for the moment and take some time to get over the fact that what your ex said was vindictive and not based on actual fact. If you're not happy with what you have it will only get carried into any new relationship and cause problems. Take time out, realise you're fine and only then embrace a new relationship.

Beating myself up

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