Would you ask somebody ''How were they feeling/How was their mental health''?

freshpopcorn · 07-10-2019 8:58pm #1

I think I often heard it in campaigns.
I have never really done it. People have sort of opened up to me when they were drunk before but it was sort of discussed briefly and the next day they clearly didn't want to talk about it again.
If I did think there was an issue I believe I'd try.

Would you ask somebody ''How were they feeling/How was their mental health''?
If you did how did it go?

Hobosan · 07-10-2019 9:01pm

Everyone in Ireland is grand.

Lesalare · 07-10-2019 9:02pm

I think it's an amazing thing to ask someone/a friend.

I have struggled with a lot of things over the years and if I had a friend who asked me that, I would be very grateful.
You're only going to really ask someone that that you feel is in need/have a gut feeling about it. If they aren't great place they will really be grateful. If they are fine, they probably won't care that you asked them.

More people should have your attitude. Everyone puts up all those 'Are you OK' things on FB on whatever day of the year 'Are you Ok' day falls (!?!), but they rarely actually ask anyone the question.

cazzer22 · 07-10-2019 9:04pm

I have asked close friends and tbh we speak about it on an almost daily basis now. I opened up about my struggles and now my friends are more open. Such an important conversation to have.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 07-10-2019 9:08pm

I have done so when I knew the person was having, or had had, some difficulties. It's no way awkward and always seems to allow the person to relax and talk things through.

twignme · 07-10-2019 9:09pm

It’s not about asking the question. It’s about whether you will listen to the answer.

Salary Negotiator · 07-10-2019 9:11pm

If I know a friend struggles with their mental health then I’ll ask from time to time, I like to think that if I ask often enough if they ever aren’t ok they know they can talk to me.

07-10-2019 9:29pm

Yes. If I know any of my friends are going through a tough time I check in regularly. Even when they are are well I still ask. A simple "how are you really" or "is everything ok"? can make all the difference.

A few weeks ago someone asked me how I was. It was most unexpected for reasons I wont go in to but so real and open that part of me wanted to share. Anyways it meant alot. Sometimes the person may not want or be able to tell you how they are but to be asked is enough.

I remember things like that the most.

fussyonion · 07-10-2019 10:18pm

I do always ask if I think someone's not right but nobody ever asks me and tbh, I wish they would now and again.

Lesalare · 07-10-2019 10:23pm

fussyonion wrote: »

I do always ask if I think someone's not right but nobody ever asks me and tbh, I wish they would now and again.

Sorry to hear that. That made me

LirW · 07-10-2019 10:25pm

I do, a lot. Because I genuinely care. I'm very sensitive to changes in people and Is say I'm pretty good at noticing when something is "off".
I want to be there and listen to my friends and family because we all go through rough patches and when I was facing one years ago after the suicide of a close friend nobody was there for me. I don't wish this on anyone so I try being the person I so desperately needed back then.

First and foremost I'm there for my husband, I care so much about his mental wellbeing and when he needs me to be there I am. And if it costs a night of sleep because we talk, happiness and support is a lot more important than that.

Leg End Reject · 07-10-2019 10:28pm

fussyonion wrote: »

I do always ask if I think someone's not right but nobody ever asks me and tbh, I wish they would now and again.

Me neither, but I internalise things and it appears that all is fine.

utyh2ikcq9z76b · 07-10-2019 10:29pm

cannotlogin · 07-10-2019 10:33pm

Yes because I hope someone would do it for me if the situation was reversed.

I have lost count of the number of male friends who have raised something with a few drinks on board, only to refuse to discuss it again when sober but I'd like to think they know I'm there for them if needed.

I know it's a sweeping generalisation, but I think women tend to share their feelings more & suffer from depression much less as a result. It's never a sign of weakness to talk, purely a sign of strength- we all need people to lean on from time to time & owe it to ourselves to do so when times are tough.

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo · 07-10-2019 10:33pm

I do like being open with friends.

Nearly any issue becomes smaller once it's said out loud.

The Rape of Lucretia · 07-10-2019 10:35pm

Lesalare wrote: »

Shaking head.

I am presuming this a piss take?

Certainly not. There were no mental health problems, before the delicate generation grew up to realise their lives wasnt all instagram-perfect, and they needed to label their discomfort at that imperfection.

cannotlogin · 07-10-2019 10:37pm

fussyonion wrote: »

I do always ask if I think someone's not right but nobody ever asks me and tbh, I wish they would now and again.

Genuinely, are you ok? and if not, please do talk to someone. Anyone

Lesalare · 07-10-2019 10:38pm

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Certainly not. There were no mental health problems, before the delicate generation grew up to realise their lives wasnt all instagram-perfect, and they needed to label their discomfort at that imperfection.

What an utter load of toss.
Maybe someone needs to ask you are you ok?...

GreeBo · 07-10-2019 10:39pm

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Certainly not. There were no mental health problems, before the delicate generation grew up to realise their lives wasnt all instagram-perfect, and they needed to label their discomfort at that imperfection.

So suicide is a new thing then yeah?
Nonsense.

07-10-2019 10:40pm

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Certainly not. There were no mental health problems, before the delicate generation grew up to realise their lives wasnt all instagram-perfect, and they needed to label their discomfort at that imperfection.

You have a point somewhere. I do think we are living in a more self absorbed age however it's good to check in with people. There are and always will be those who suffer and those who are lonely. Be a good human.

Still waters · 07-10-2019 10:40pm

No, because i don't care, I've enough to be thinking about without worrying about anyone else, callous maybe but that's who i am, i genuinely lack empathy towards people, i find the suffering of animals more upsetting than the suffering of other people, fcuk people is really what I'm saying

ArchXStanton · 07-10-2019 10:41pm

A woman down at my gym asked me how I was one day and when I gave the usual stock response of ah fine she asked again "no how are you?" real sincere, I ended up spilling a few of the negatives going on in my life, she works in that field but I just thought it was a good way of approaching things like she'd heard the ah fine line a million times

Richard Hillman · 07-10-2019 10:41pm

No. A problem shared, is a problem doubled. Not my business.

jaxxx · 07-10-2019 10:41pm

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Certainly not. There were no mental health problems, before the delicate generation grew up to realise their lives wasnt all instagram-perfect, and they needed to label their discomfort at that imperfection.

Ignorance of the highest order. Mental health is not something that's only surfaced recently, despite your comment about the 'delicate generation'. Absolutely disgusting attitude towards mental health, and another fine example of the 'up-themselves' generation, to use your own vernacular, who have an opinion on things they haven't the slightest clue about.

Robin Williams, born in 1951, aged 63 when he died of suicide. He a part of this 'delicate generation' of yours?

Spanish Eyes · 07-10-2019 10:48pm

I heard an answer from a friend recently to my question "howya doing"

Ah ok, could be better, but feck that, I'll be grand. And he carried on the convo about kids, schools, work and so on in a superficial way but looked strained.

I really did not know how to react.

What do we do? Intervening is great if there is a crisis, but if people think they are fine, well that's it isn't it? Privacy and all that.

This is it · 07-10-2019 10:52pm

Hobosan wrote: »

Everyone in Ireland is grand.

Yep. I'm always grand, even when I'm not.

I would ask close friends how they're doing but it's only with a good few pints that we'd ever have a proper chat, unfortunately.

Potential-Monke · 08-10-2019 6:03am

Personally, my own mental health needs attention, constantly, so while I would like to be that person who asks, I've enough of my own stuff to deal with that I couldn't give an honest and unbiased opinion, and would probably cause more damage than good. Similarly, I don't expect anyone to ask me. Depends on the person I suppose. Myself and the best mate usually discuss it somewhat every now and again.

Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose I'm now too selfish to care. I used to be the go to guy for help and assistance, but I realised (way too late) that I was being taken advantage of. Thinking back, I was blind to the abuse my good nature was getting, so I've nearly done a complete 180 and keep to myself these days. I'll still help if people ask, but very few do anymore thankfully.

It's a hard situation to be in. I don't like it being brought up, simply for the above reasons and nothing else. There are plenty out there who would have better advice than I can, and my current advice is 'smoke a joint', seems to help with most my issues!

Wanderer78 · 08-10-2019 6:08am

After a life time of struggling with mental health issues, I still struggle to talk about it, and to enquire about others well being, it's a strange world, but thankfully it's changing. heard a scary story yesterday about mental health issues, a lot of respect to the chap involved, gives regular public talks on it

yermandan · 08-10-2019 6:50am

Every single day! Not the same person obviously but affording that space to open up is one of the greatest gifts that you can give someone who is struggling or feeling disconnected. And yes, as a poster above said, simply asking the question is not enough (but is a great start!), really listening and responding is so important.

Lillyfae · 08-10-2019 7:54am

Lesalare wrote: »

Everyone puts up all those 'Are you OK' things on FB on whatever day of the year 'Are you Ok' day falls (!?!), but they rarely actually ask anyone the question.

This. I swear my sister has actively stopped about 5 different people from jumping into rivers at night over the last few years but if I reach out to her she completely blanks me- I stopped bothering. In whatever circles she's moving in it must earn her some kind of brownie points to say she's done it but it's disingenuous, unhelpful and honestly I think anyone who believes her could only really tend toward disingenuity themselves.

I've dealt on and off with issues for almost 20 years now myself. When I'm well, I'm really well, but it's impossible to forget how low I can be- I would hate for anyone else to be there so I try to read the signs and do what I can to help. Even when I'm unwell, just last week in fact, I feel it's important to not hide your own struggle. It's so difficult to actually put it in words when you're right in the middle of it, but trying to can if nothing else show people that it's not uncommon and they are not alone. I spent years trying to give the whole world the impression that I was flying when in fact it probably came across as sociopathic. I won't be doing that again.

RacoonQueen · 08-10-2019 8:01am

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I heard an answer from a friend recently to my question "howya doing"

Ah ok, could be better, but feck that, I'll be grand. And he carried on the convo about kids, schools, work and so on in a superficial way but looked strained.

I really did not know how to react.

What do we do? Intervening is great if there is a crisis, but if people think they are fine, well that's it isn't it? Privacy and all that.

I find "are you ok?" and when they say they are I'd ask '"would you tell me if you weren't?" make people think about it they don't even think about it when they say 'yah I'm grand' - it's just a stock response. My stock response when I'm not but know I will be is "I'll be ok" thats supposed to mean I'm not ok right now, but I'm handling it.

Skybirdjb · 08-10-2019 10:37am

I would love if someone genuinely asked me if I was ok . Mental health issues make you so lonely and that one question makes such a difference. Can turn such a bad day into an ok day .

Bigbagofcans · 08-10-2019 1:06pm

twignme wrote: »

It’s not about asking the question. It’s about whether you will listen to the answer.

Very good point.

I cherish the good listener friends I have. Because there are people who only talk about themselves and don't care too much about what you have to say.

fussyonion · 08-10-2019 8:39pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

Genuinely, are you ok? and if not, please do talk to someone. Anyone

Thank you so much. Most days I AM ok but there are many when I'm not. I try and distract myself from my thoughts and I'm doing yoga which helps.

Hoboo · 08-10-2019 8:47pm

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I heard an answer from a friend recently to my question "howya doing"

Ah ok, could be better, but feck that, I'll be grand. And he carried on the convo about kids, schools, work and so on in a superficial way but looked strained.

I really did not know how to react.

What do we do? Intervening is great if there is a crisis, but if people think they are fine, well that's it isn't it? Privacy and all that.

You don't have to pry, but looking them in the eye and asking them are they ok,.and if anything's up you're there for a chat and help in any way goes a long way. People don't want to burden others with their problems, unless a genuine offer to listen is offered. Can mean a massive difference.

10-10-2019 7:34am

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Would you ask somebody ''How were they feeling/How was their mental health''?
If you did how did it go?

Happy world mental health day to you - a timely enough thread

For me it has been a journey from poor mental health to where I am today.

But I had a personal revelation along the way. I improved my physical health over that period too and one day I realised I was doing two different things in both places - with different effects.

That is - I would be improving my physical health and talking about it with people - talking about my weaknesses and struggles and how I have been improving them. Or I would talk about some physical achievement - a long run or a new belt or a new milestone - and people were engaged and interested and asking me how they could do stuff in their own lives.

Then with mental health I was asking people directly how they were and if they were ok or needed anything and they would close down and not really engaged. Making it entirely about them and not at all about me.

So one day it hit me - why am I doing it that way? I flipped the latter to be more like the former. I started talking about my own mental health issues and struggles - and what I was doing to improve them. Milestones and achievements and so on. And the same effect happened. People got engaged - interested - and were more inclined to seek help.

So that is how I do it now. I open the door to being approached by being open about my own journey and struggles and how I work hard to maintain my mental health today and not slip back - which is so easily done - to how I was before.

And people open up to me - seek help and advice more often - and engage more because of it. I find in my life at least - being open and relatable about my own struggles and issues - leads people to "me too - what can I do about that?" or "What do you find helps with that issue - I could do with improving that" type responses to me.

TomSweeney · 10-10-2019 9:44am

I can only imagine my friends getting all awkward with converxsations like that.
F*ck it , I'm grand, I just push it all down and let it bubble inside me.

On the outside tho, I'm ****ing grand like !! laughing all the way !!!

mariaalice · 10-10-2019 11:02am

TomSweeney wrote: »

I can only imagine my friends getting all awkward with converxsations like that.
F*ck it , I'm grand, I just push it all down and let it bubble inside me.

On the outside tho, I'm ****ing grand like !! laughing all the way !!!

Why though? there was an excellent bit on nationwide last night they has a man talking about his struggles they had his parents talk about how he was a sensitive child who worried a lot, he talked about his embarrassment of going to st John of gods as a teenage but as he could talk to his friends about it as a young adult one of his friends made a short film about him.

The reason anyone should check it out is he wasn't campaigning as such he was a normal average man he went to college has a job is married very ordinary so very relatable to the average person.

Would you ask somebody ''How were they feeling/How was their mental health''?

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