Moved back to Ireland and questioning it!

Long Gone · 29-03-2015 11:57am

Zambia wrote: »

I have kids and they are all Australian. They wont have my childhood, they will have their own. I would not call that a shame.

They will be Australian born of Irish parents a pretty common thing in Australia.

I have kids and they are all proudly Irish. The fact that they were born abroad (and speak with local accents) is completely irrelevant as far as they are concerned. Apart from that I agree with you - My kids are having a much better childhood than I had.

scouser82 · 04-04-2015 10:44am

Have been home for a year now, but stumbled across this thread so thought I'd give my story.

I was in Australia for over 3 years. Went out knowing nobody. I made some Irish/English/Welsh/South African friends etc, and it would break your heart when one by one they would leave. Then a year in I met a wonderful Australian woman and fell madly in love. I didn't feel too homesick until then. But once I had a girlfriend, the idea of settling long term started to become a serious option. I couldn't get comfortable with it no matter how hard I tried. I'm very Irish. Not only did I miss my family really badly, but I missed all the little things about being in Ireland. I found Australia isolating due to the distance from every other country, and the time difference (particularly for watching sport). A trip home half way during my time there only unsettled me much more when I got back to Australia.

I soldiered on though. An understanding girlfriend and her very generous family did everything to make me feel a part of their family. So many acts of kindness. But in a way those family gatherings made me miss my own family even more.

I was heavily involved in a particular sport during my time there and through it I made a lot of Australian friends and acquaintances. In many ways I was very settled. I wasn't one of the Irish who hung out in St Kilda with other Irish, and I knew if I lived there permanently I would have life long friends. This helped a lot.

I was on a 457 and after one year in this job (3 years in total in Australia) my role got made redundant. Despite wanting to be at home, I also didn't want to leave if that makes sense. I did everything I could to secure a new sponsor so I could stay in Australia with my girlfriend. But there was to be no joy. Visa expired, I went home for Christmas, and then came back for 2 months on a holiday visa to say my goodbyes to all.

The last week was unbearable pain. Saying goodbye to all the things I had grown to love, all the things that had become so part of my life. It was tough. This was only the warm up act though to the main heartache. Saying goodbye to my girlfriend at the airport was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. It was unbearable. The only thing that got me through that gate was the belief that I would see her again, as we agreed to try long distance.

Sadly the long distance didn't work. I couldn't get comfortable with the idea of living so far away permanently, and she is a complete home bird and made no effort to visit or move here, partly down to my uncertainty of where I wanted to settle. After 6 months of growing anxiety and ignoring the topic we faced it head on and broke up, after close to 3 years together. We were a great match, except for the one small but significant fact that we were both so close to our homes and families. This massive similarity was what split us up, due to geography, and nothing else.

I can rest knowing I couldn't really have done any more to stay in Australia, but to lose somebody who could well have been the love of my life is hard to take. I haven't spoken to her since the breakup, it's easier this way. But not many days go by where I don't think about her in some capacity.

I'm still far from settled, but I still really like being home, and I'll eventually get there I'm sure. Ireland is far from perfect, but the same applies to Australia. It's all very much depends on the individual. Think long and hard though before getting into a relationship with an Australian. I wouldn't swap a minute of it, but it can create a lot of heartache depending on the type of person you are.

niterain84 · 04-04-2015 11:40am

scouser82 wrote: »

Have been home for a year now, but stumbled across this thread so thought I'd give my story.

I was in Australia for over 3 years. Went out knowing nobody. I made some Irish/English/Welsh/South African friends etc, and it would break your heart when one by one they would leave. Then a year in I met a wonderful Australian woman and fell madly in love. I didn't feel too homesick until then. But once I had a girlfriend, the idea of settling long term started to become a serious option. I couldn't get comfortable with it no matter how hard I tried. I'm very Irish. Not only did I miss my family really badly, but I missed all the little things about being in Ireland. I found Australia isolating due to the distance from every other country, and the time difference (particularly for watching sport). A trip home half way during my time there only unsettled me much more when I got back to Australia.

I soldiered on though. An understanding girlfriend and her very generous family did everything to make me feel a part of their family. So many acts of kindness. But in a way those family gatherings made me miss my own family even more.

I was heavily involved in a particular sport during my time there and through it I made a lot of Australian friends and acquaintances. In many ways I was very settled. I wasn't one of the Irish who hung out in St Kilda with other Irish, and I knew if I lived there permanently I would have life long friends. This helped a lot.

I was on a 457 and after one year in this job (3 years in total in Australia) my role got made redundant. Despite wanting to be at home, I also didn't want to leave if that makes sense. I did everything I could to secure a new sponsor so I could stay in Australia with my girlfriend. But there was to be no joy. Visa expired, I went home for Christmas, and then came back for 2 months on a holiday visa to say my goodbyes to all.

The last week was unbearable pain. Saying goodbye to all the things I had grown to love, all the things that had become so part of my life. It was tough. This was only the warm up act though to the main heartache. Saying goodbye to my girlfriend at the airport was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. It was unbearable. The only thing that got me through that gate was the belief that I would see her again, as we agreed to try long distance.

Sadly the long distance didn't work. I couldn't get comfortable with the idea of living so far away permanently, and she is a complete home bird and made no effort to visit or move here, partly down to my uncertainty of where I wanted to settle. After 6 months of growing anxiety and ignoring the topic we faced it head on and broke up, after close to 3 years together. We were a great match, except for the one small but significant fact that we were both so close to our homes and families. This massive similarity was what split us up, due to geography, and nothing else.

I can rest knowing I couldn't really have done any more to stay in Australia, but to lose somebody who could well have been the love of my life is hard to take. I haven't spoken to her since the breakup, it's easier this way. But not many days go by where I don't think about her in some capacity.

I'm still far from settled, but I still really like being home, and I'll eventually get there I'm sure. Ireland is far from perfect, but the same applies to Australia. It's all very much depends on the individual. Think long and hard though before getting into a relationship with an Australian. I wouldn't swap a minute of it, but it can create a lot of heartache depending on the type of person you are.

Could you not just have got a partner visa with when you were in Australia with her? You dont need to be married to get it, you just need to show you are in a relationship together for at least 6 months.

MRnotlob606 · 04-04-2015 11:43am

I am absolutely grateful to live in Ireland. We have a great standard of living and isn't some sort of dystopia that some emigrants make it out to be. If you don't like it move out. Simple as.

lg123 · 05-04-2015 5:38am

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

... dystopia ...

nice word!

have you ever lived abroad?

05-04-2015 7:30am

Its normal. After years away you look at Ireland with clearer eyes and see things that those who havent left can't see. The same would apply in reverse to an australian coming here, though the annoying items are different. After a while you will ignore these things and insulate yourself

The drink culture, the idea that the best thing you can do for entertainment is to have feed of pints, rte, vested interests, the fact that its easier to get to see a vet than a doctor, the political correctness, the soft justice system, that its possible for a guy to have 49 previous convictions and still be free to murder someone, the political system pandering to everybody like there isnt a single politician with the courage to defend zero hour contracts, the next abortion referendum, 1916, etc etc etc

Cushie Butterfield · 05-04-2015 8:17am

This post is aimed at the OP, with whom I can totally empathise.

Firstly, I can tell you that it takes at least a year (probably a bit longer) to settle back in & reach the stage that you won't regret moving home & that you won't constantly be thinking how bad a decision you've made. You are (what I'd describe as) experiencing grief for a previous life. I realise that you were only away for a short period, but upping sticks is a major event especially when you have a partner & kids to consider, & any change in a 'life plan' comes with it's ups & downs.

It's not a matter of lowering expectations. Ireland & Oz are two completely different countries, both with their good & bad points - you knew this. You also knew that things were going to be different. It's a matter of reminding yourself why you came home. In your case it was primarily for work reasons, so it would be no harm to bear that in mind. Also, it's important that you talk honestly & frankly with your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel without constantly complaining. You don't say how he now feels, or how your children feel - it may be time to sit down, talk & find out. You say that your husband didn't like Melbourne, but that you loved it: only you know how much thought or compromise went into your decision to return to Ireland, whether it would have been possible for you to stay if he got alternative employment etc. etc.

There's no easy fix for how you feel, the only consolation is that it's perfectly natural to feel this way. My concern (for want of a better word to use to a complete stranger) is for your state of mind, your relationship with your husband & children & how it could possibly have an adverse affect on your future. Bear in mind that kids pick up on things from their mothers, so if you're giving off the impression that you're not happy it could rub off on them, which isn't fair to them. You also don't want your husband to think that he's somehow failed you & your kids. This is why it's imperative that you are both reading from the same page & that you don't get tempted to play the B Card (Blame Card).

Sit down, talk it through, come to a decision. Give it 12 months & if you still feel the same way then decide now that in 12 months you'll look into returning to Oz (if an option). Make a concentrated effort on a daily basis to try to make Ireland your home once again. The more effort you put in the more you'll get out of it plus you'd eventually have a stronger case to move away again if you've done everything in your power to make things work here. Weigh up the pros & cons in a years time. In the meantime, try to:

1) Concentrate on the positives (proximity to family, good education system) rather than the negatives (cost of car insurance, dog poop, childcare costs).

2) Integrate (social clubs, mother & toddler groups, sports clubs, community events) & make new friends.

3) Don't annihilate people (especially former friends) by constantly comparing things here to things in Oz - this can be hard, but you won't be doing yourself any favours by doing so. Bear in mind that former friends have lives too & the chances are that they have moved on with theirs while you were away.

4) Communicate openly & regularly with your partner about how you feel things are going, but in a structured fashion as opposed to constantly complaining.

Some of the above may come across as harsh so please don't be offended - I'm merely giving you advice that I wish someone had given me at the time. I made all of the mistakes that I mentioned above - I'm not saying that you are making them - just advising you not to. You've got to give yourself & your family the best chance in the here & now, so try not to dwell on the past. Plan ahead & look towards the future - if that involves returning to Oz in 12 or 24 months time then so be it, but give things time to work out here first.

Be Happy!

NSAman · 05-04-2015 9:16am

I am in the enviable position that I live abroad for many months a year but come home regularly.

I am resident in the US and have been for over ten years. I missed family and friends immensely, especially with elderly parents. When my dad passed away I was devastated. Luckily I managed to say a final goodbye while he regained consciousness.

However, Ireland I love, but I could not live here full time. There are many reasons, which I know people have talked about on here, but also the attitude of many to people coming back from abroad. I experience this with "friends" who I have known since childhood. I suppose I have changed over the years (in my mind I have not, I am still the same person) I never boast about my lifestyle, I never tell people what I actually do. I am lucky and the States has been very good to me affording me a lifestyle that I could never have worked for in Ireland.

Yet, when I come back "home" I sense that people think I am better than they are, I have had comments about being "too big for my boots". I am nothing of the sort. Yes I am more observant about standards of service and not afraid to voice if something is wrong when out for dinner, but never in a nasty way (i remember when I was that waiter/ess).

I hate what Ireland has become since the crash. I hate that the politicians here are just basically self promoting idiots living off the toil of others and are unaccountable. That I suppose is one thing that really gets me going, seeing them parade in the States looking for business to come here, all the while spending tax payers money as if it were theirs. That entitled class really make me angry.

I see many young Irish kids coming to the States, all with the ambition of making something of themselves. All educated, willing to work and the majority are damned fine workers. One over-riding emotion is that the States is a temporary fix, they will eventually go home.

Over the years (I left Ireland back in the 90's) I have seen people come and go, leave to Ireland. Many times I have had people work with me for years and then decide to go back to Ireland only to have a phone call again seeing if there are any jobs going again a few months later. It takes time to settle in any place. Personally, I left for Africa first and ended up in the States by accident (not by design). It took me a few years to settle here. I missed many aspects of home, but once I started to go home more often, I saw that nothing really changes, friends get on with their lives, and while visiting is great, living there full time would be boring compared with the life I have in the US.

Family are the one constant that I miss and have missed all my time while abroad. With the passing of my Dad, I now find myself over compensating with my Mam, who is not in good shape. I spend more time at home but miss my home in the States. It really is a conundrum. Once my mother goes, will I spend as much time in Ireland? I really do not think so.

Each country has it's good and bad points. With the extended periods I have spent in Ireland over the past year or so, I feel depressed with the place. I love Ireland, don't get me wrong. It is the over-riding sense of gloom that gets to me here. The lack of optimism. The sense that you are being watched all the time be-it with speed cameras or the government. It feels oppressive. While I know the US has major faults, I love the sense of freedom. That maybe an illusion, but to me it is a real sense from the moment the plane touches down.

ningnongjohn · 07-04-2015 11:42pm

Well by the time you get this it may be irrelevant.living in Ireland now seems to be getting more difficult.we seem to pay so much for so little, ifyou haven't bought a place my advice is to return as soon as you can. I don't know much about Melbourne but its gotta better than here currently. there are 35 other pupils in my daughters class ,there is little gym equipment, my wife and myself are working around the clock to service our mortgage, but we just seem to be getting nowhere.
if your husband could regain employment in oz maybe you should go back, better healthcare system.
I brought my Australian wife back here in 2007, we bought an overpriced semi d, I left a permanent job with pension. I do love my irish family and they have helped us greatly over the past 8 years .but our life is miserable, shes had enough of the rain ,the house is worth nothing , my job is at risk ,we have no pension to speak of.my eldest daughter seems to be happy but something has to change. I do miss the aussie way of life, is it as expensive now as they say it is?

good luck with your decision

Zambia · 08-04-2015 12:10am

It's very expensive mate. I mean we both work to service bills here to.

It's not a bad life though,

Nelson Muntz · 08-04-2015 12:16am

Some stuff is stupidly expensive, ok, most stuff, but there is also a lot of very cheap stuff. Most councils around the country put on really good free activities, concerts, movies etc.

ningnongjohn · 09-04-2015 12:15am

any good businesses for sale in your region guesthouses etc, would love to return and open a business in hospitality maybe.?
many thanks

Zambia · 09-04-2015 12:33am

ningnongjohn wrote: »

any good businesses for sale in your region guesthouses etc, would love to return and open a business in hospitality maybe.?
many thanks

Define hospitality do you mean accommodation or food?

If its food there are a lot of potential sites in the growth corridors. Cafes coffee shops, restaurants etc.

john hanrahan · 09-04-2015 2:04am

i have been following this thread for a while, its an interesting topic.

I lived in australia for 5 years both my children were born there, i went to college there etc we had a good few years there but my experience is that it is a great place to live but really expensive.

buying a house in melbourne is scandalous unless you want to live out in the sticks there is no coparison in ireland.

my wife went back to work after our first child was born after 6 weeks as that was the maternaty leave in 1993 we had to visit the salvation army to help with food during her maternaty leave, it may have changed since then, afterwards we paid all my salary for subsidised childcare for 2 children as a young family with kids i though it was tough.

i woud not knock Australia I do think it is a great place to live, and it is great for some, but we moved back to ireland in 1996 and have had plenty ups and downs, but its better on a lot of levels not perfect but ireland really is a good place to live on a range of quality of life issues.

BlueMagoo · 09-04-2015 2:42am

I'm following this thread too as I'm in turmoil. I want to go home but there's no way in hell my husband will. His biggest argument will be job prospects in his field, and he's right. I can't argue with that. We've three children, all born here in Australia but it's family, not worldly goods, that I'm after - for myself and my children.
For all DH is in to doing with his spare time (WOW) we could be living anywhere in the world. So that's killing me. I'm totally fine with him having his time but what I'm left with is not working for me anymore. Been here almost ten yrs now and never been as homesick.
I've lots to ponder and this thread has been a huge help, came to me at the right time too. 😀

jackbhoy · 09-04-2015 2:53am

BlueMagoo wrote: »

I'm following this thread too as I'm in turmoil. I want to go home but there's no way in hell my husband will. His biggest argument will be job prospects in his field, and he's right. I can't argue with that. We've three children, all born here in Australia but it's family, not worldly goods, that I'm after - for myself and my children.
For all DH is in to doing with his spare time (WOW) we could be living anywhere in the world. So that's killing me. I'm totally fine with him having his time but what I'm left with is not working for me anymore. Been here almost ten yrs now and never been as homesick.
I've lots to ponder and this thread has been a huge help, came to me at the right time too. 😀

It's funny. Before moving to Oz I always thought I'd be homesick initially and then it would gradually subside over time. In fact I barely had any level of homesickness until 4 years in. It was like a sudden realisation that I was missing important milestones in family and friends lives plus passing away of grandparent etc.

It's a tough thing but reality is that it's what all 1st gen emigrants face. As i said in previous posts I have octogenarian neighbours from Italy/Greece that still sit out every evening and have melancholic chats in native tongue about "the old country"

BlueMagoo · 09-04-2015 3:21am

Yeah, my granny died last year and I couldn't go home for the funeral as I was heavily pregnant at the time.
The more life goes on here the more entrenched we will become and it scares me to think the same will happen when our parents are on their last legs.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to be like those oldies sitting on the porch reminiscing. I want to be home taking part, being in the lives of my family and take the bad with the good. That's life isn't it.
All my kids were born here so they'll always have that if they want to travel later in life. I think after almost ten yrs here I'm never going to feel settled. I'm never going to meet people here to replace those I have at home. My DH is great but that's too big a void to fill for one person.
It might not be that we go immediately but if we could make a plan to go in a few years that would do me. We could even afford a house back home, that's never going to happen here. And so we keep moving. And nothing ever feels like home.

Oh and as for the homesickness. I honestly had none, just the usual little pangs here and there but this is something different. Like it's time to go.

john hanrahan · 09-04-2015 10:21am

BlueMagoo wrote: »

I'm following this thread too as I'm in turmoil. I want to go home but there's no way in hell my husband will. His biggest argument will be job prospects in his field, and he's right. I can't argue with that. We've three children, all born here in Australia but it's family, not worldly goods, that I'm after - for myself and my children.
For all DH is in to doing with his spare time (WOW) we could be living anywhere in the world. So that's killing me. I'm totally fine with him having his time but what I'm left with is not working for me anymore. Been here almost ten yrs now and never been as homesick.
I've lots to ponder and this thread has been a huge help, came to me at the right time too. 😀

in my previous post i should have said i dragged my wife kicking and screaming from Australia. I wanted to come home but my wife didn't but i convinced her eventually, we took out citizenship and gave ourselves a deadline of a 18 months in Ireland and if it didnt work out we would go back.

We are still here 18 years later, for me it wasnt that one place is better or worse, it was the feeling of being an imigrant, constantly trying to save enough to go home etc.
I dont regret coming back, but it took my wife over a year to settle back.
It is very difficult decision when one wants to stay and your partner wants to leave.

BlueMagoo · 09-04-2015 11:21pm

Yeah I really do not want to out Australia down, it is a great place and if I had family, even just a couple of relatives close by, I would feel better about staying.

My kids were born here, DH has citizenship and I'm eligible for it too.
Just haven't got around to it yet.
So we can always come back, but that would be so costly.
I'd rather know for sure what we were doing and commit to that fully.

My sis and her partner were here for 5 yrs and they just left at the end of January to have their baby at hime (due now) and before they left I thought they were bonkers leaving. But as time goes on I can see they were right. There's no substitute for family, especially a supportive, involved one like ours.

Ah I don't know. I'm still working it all out.
I feel a lot better for thrashing it out though.
Yesterday my fingers were twitchy to book flights, today I'm a bit more chilled.

catbear · 09-04-2015 11:33pm

Maybe getting your citizenship might help your partner come around to the idea of giving Ireland a trial go in the future. It will show you're taking his preference for Australia seriously and hopefully he'll reciprocate allowing a return to family and friends for even a temporary period.

Best of luck.

Chocolate fiend · 10-04-2015 7:24am

Blue Magoo I totally get you. We have not been here as long as you but, still with 3 kids, 2 of them settled in school and sounding "Aussie as" it is hard to express the feelings fully. We have nobody here. We have friends, yes, good friends, but, they are new friends and I don't want to ask them for too much. Not that there is much to ask, but, you know what I mean. My husbands family are very close, they are all together a lot, they just had Easter together at home, and to see the other grandchildren being doted on and getting all the time and attention really gets to me for some reason. It is like jealousy mixed with homesickness. I am rambling, but, I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from.

BlueMagoo · 10-04-2015 7:38am

Hi Chocolate fiend (love the name hehe)
That's is isn't it. Watching them all at home enjoying life.
Bl00dy Facebook. I hate it, and yet it's the easiest way to keep in touch.

Are you in Sydney yourself?
We've moved up and down, from Byron to the Hunter then to Sydney, then back to Byron and then back to Sydney. We're hoping that's the last of the big moves.
Being in a rental there will no doubt be more moves to come but for the sake of DS1 we want to stay in the same area. That's all we can offer by way of familiar faces.

scouser82 · 10-04-2015 9:08am

niterain84 wrote: »

Could you not just have got a partner visa with when you were in Australia with her? You dont need to be married to get it, you just need to show you are in a relationship together for at least 6 months.

What pub did you hear this in?

The above is not true. You need to live with each other for 12 months, unless you register the relationship in which case living together for 6 months can suffice. We did not live together so this option was never there.

Anyway, that really wasn't the point of my post. It was about the emotional anguish of being torn between 2 places at opposite ends of the earth.

lg123 · 11-04-2015 6:20am

scouser82 wrote: »

What pub did you hear this in?

The above is not true. You need to live with each other for 12 months, unless you register the relationship in which case living together for 6 months can suffice. We did not live together so this option was never there.

not 100% correct, do some research. don't want to drag this thread into another visa debate.

Moved back to Ireland and questioning it!

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