Worried my boyfriend might fancy my friend

jk23 · 12-12-2018 2:06pm

From reading your post it seems that there is something to be worried about or a thing beginning to develop between them.

I really don’t know what would be the best way to approach this because if you tell them to stop messaging you look like you are being jealous and even with good reason it will make it a difficult situation between you and them

Like previous posters said trust your gut it’s usually right unless you have suffered from a paranoria type condition/disorder in the past

Baggly · 12-12-2018 3:26pm

I can see it being somewhat innocent, or i can see it being one or both of them getting a bit carried away with it all.

You seem like you have a good sensible head on your shoulders OP, but i think as has been pointed out here, maybe you are under-reacting.

I think broaching the subject until you are happy he isnt pulling away and is being honest with you (whatever way he explains it) and then seeing if the behaviour continues or not is the way to go.

Electro said it best above - we can all text or talk to or flirt with whomever we want at the end of the day, but if its making you uncomfortable, that should be your man's concern. He can get defensive all he wants, but if you approach it from the point of view of it being something that worried you, maybe he will be more open on the topic, whatever the nature of the conversations / intent behind them / level of innocence in it all.

SusieBlue · 12-12-2018 4:41pm

I can only agree with what everyone else is saying, but just to add, this woman doesn't sound like much of a friend and regardless, you should cut contact with her.

She has no respect for you or your relationship, she has crossed boundaries and can't be trusted.
You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Even if it transpires that nothing is going on, she hasn't treated you well and doesn't deserve any more of your time or loyalty.

sexmag · 12-12-2018 6:09pm

Just too add I find a lot of responses hear odd.

People are putting 1 plus 1 and getting 4.

The consensus of if you let this go on they may develop feelings for each other is ridiculous, that could happen anywhere,with a colleague in work who he works with over time or in a sports club he attends. If everyone feared their partners might develop feelings for someone else that they've been talking then no one would be in relationships. You can't dictate who you partner talks too and interacts with for fear that he may fall for that person. It's controlling behaviour and 100% insecurity in yourself

If your partner is the kind of person that will cheat then they will cheat regardless of if they are talking to someone or not.

You've been together 15 years,if he hasn't done it by now then i doubt he will and the excuse of your afraid they might fall for each other if you let them continue their friendship is just your own insecurities, you are 100% right that the spark may have left,l and it's quite mature of you to be open about that, reignite it with him and you'll soon see that you've nothing to worry about and more than likely their chats will fade away when she meets someone herself

The Princess Bride · 12-12-2018 6:29pm

We're stressed with work and bills...
I've also noticed the last few times we were out that he's paying for drinks for her, buying event tickets and not getting the money back from her, covering her share of the food bill, stuff like that. We're both very generous people but I feel like she's taking advantage a bit.

She sounds like she likes to be the centre of attention.
You're both stressed with bills, yet your boyfriend is paying her share?
This wouldn't be on in a long term friendship and this is only a new one, so definitely odd.
She sounds like a user as well as everything.

I don't have a jealous cell in my body, but this girl sounds like she has an agenda.
Something doesn't add up.

Baggly · 12-12-2018 6:32pm

sexmag wrote:

The consensus of if you let this go on they may develop feelings for each other is ridiculous, that could happen anywhere,with a colleague in work who he works with over time or in a sports club he attends. If everyone feared their partners might develop feelings for someone else that they've been talking then no one would be in relationships. You can't dictate who you partner talks too and interacts with for fear that he may fall for that person. It's controlling behaviour and 100% insecurity in yourself

The idea that they ABSOLUTELY WILL is rediculous. The idea they may is a possibility the op will probably want to avoid. Only going to happen with open comms between op and her bf.

Also I don't agree with if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat. People cheat for a reason. Remove the reason they won't cheat. If op rekindles the relationship and he is getting what he needs at home (if indeed he is looking for something elsewhere, which he might not) then he won't cheat.

People can absolutely be talked around from cheating. Especially when it's a long term relationship.

facehugger99 · 13-12-2018 12:01pm

sexmag wrote: »

Just too add I find a lot of responses hear odd.

That's because most of the replies are from spurned women projecting their own insecurities onto the OP.

dmm82 · 13-12-2018 12:24pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

That's because most of the replies are from spurned women projecting their own insecurities onto the OP.

That's very unfair. I have never been cheated on but unfortunately this is not a perfect world and people cheat all the time. It's not being realistic to assume that this is 100% innocent. Yes, it could be and hopefully is but regardless its disrespectful to the OP at the very least.

....... · 13-12-2018 12:39pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

That's because most of the replies are from spurned women projecting their own insecurities onto the OP.

Ah yes, lets make it about gender. Oh not just women. Spurned women.

Are you for real?

If the OPs partner was describing the situation and it was his female partner getting over friendly with a newish member of his football team the advice would be the same.

Both people are not respecting the boundaries of the relationship. The person is no friend of the OP.

First order of business would be to ditch the so called friend. Immediately. No reservations about that at all. Just cut them off.

Next, speak to the partner. If the partner chooses to continue to disrespect the relationship then its end game also.

Genders are irrelevant and I might suggest to the mods that the number of posts where people try to derail from the issue at hand by making it about gender seems to have increased recently and I for one am absolutely sick of it.

Fall_Guy · 13-12-2018 12:40pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

That's because most of the replies are from spurned women projecting their own insecurities onto the OP.

Well to add some diversity to things, I'm a married man and I personally would not like to hear that my wife was texting one of my mates on a night out, or was regularly having long text exchanges with them. I'd find it weird and disrespectful, and would never dream of doing it myself. Now everyone's values or opinions on this sort of thing are different so just because I wouldn't like it doesn't mean its wrong....

...but the fact that the OP couldn't see herself doing the same if the shoe was on the other foot means that their values / opinions on the matter aren't aligned, and that is obviously a difficult situation.

I also find it strange that the OP's partner has no interest in going out with his partner in a one to one setting, but is up for it if the friend is there. Again, its not my place to judge anyone's situation, but I know I personally wouldn't he happy with that.

OP, if you aren't comfortable with the situation you are well within your rights to discuss it openly and honestly with your partner, and explain to him exactly why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You'd like to think that even if he completely disagreed and felt you were in the wrong to feel that way, that he would consider your feelings and stop anyway.

I don't consider that controlling or unfair on your part at all. For example, there are things that I used to do that bothered my partner. I didn't consider them bad as they weren't hurting anyone but they were putting my own health at risk somewhat. I don't do them anymore because the joy I got from them was far less than the worry my wife had when I was doing them. I didn't feel she was controlling when she expressed her concerns, and I was happy to stop doing it in order to make her feel better. Isn't that part of relationships?

sexmag · 13-12-2018 12:43pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

That's because most of the replies are from spurned women projecting their own insecurities onto the OP.

I wouldn't agree with that

My thinking is that everyone feels the need to "nip this in the bud" in case it turns into something, which in my opinion is essentially controlling behaviour I.e. you can talk to him and her but not her and him.

Most people need to be secure enough in a relationship to know that their partners are with them and usually for a good reason. The fact he's talking doesn't mean he will develop feelings for her, the length of time or amount someone talks to someone is not an indicator of if they will or won't develop feelings, people fall head over heels for someone they just met or it can take years, there's no defining criteria.

My partner texts her male and female friends way more than me because we are usually together and talk so that we don't need to text. Also I should add that we have date night once a month and movie night on the couch once a week and do small gestures to show we care like letting her lie on when I bring the kids to school or the park, breakfast in bed, surprise gifts etc

Also the fact he's paying for stuff for her as long as it isn't putting financial strain on their relationship and he's still an attentive boyfriend then I can't see any issue,some people are just most generous.

Saying all that ultimately it's up to OP what she finds acceptable in their relationship, if this is her deal breaker then she has every right to say so and end the relationship

Baggly · 13-12-2018 12:47pm

You dont wait for a fire (if you can avoid it) to start before you realise you need to remove the fuel though sexmag. There is a line to be trod, but nothing wrong with discussing each others behaviour within a relationship.

Why would you wait until it went too far before addressing it with your partner, like?

Doesnt have to be 'dont talk to her again' it can just be 'im a little worried about how you are talking to her - its making me feel uncomfortable and i feel like you are speaking to her and doing things with her that we used to do together. Is there anything more to it?'.

For all we know it could be innocent and the guy is oblivious to the impact he is having. But OP wont know if she waits and sees.

tara73 · 13-12-2018 12:56pm

....... wrote: »

Genders are irrelevant and I might suggest to the mods that the number of posts where people try to derail from the issue at hand by making it about gender seems to have increased recently and I for one am absolutely sick of it.

sorry OP to go off topic for a moment but I think this is impotant regarding everyone who's posting here:

I noticed this too, and I'm also sick of it and sick of reporting a lot of this nonsense posts. It's time to do more about it, i.e.being more strict here, mods!

They should meet up at their playground After Hours, but not here!

qxtasybe1nwfh2 · 13-12-2018 12:56pm

I wouldn't be happy it at all. The whole thing needs to be toned back. Not that they can never talk/interact again but the level they seem to be doing so is disrespectful to me.

With my partner, we both had close friends of the opposite sex going into the relationship, and they had mostly remained in ours lives. But I haven't developed a new close friendship with a member of the opposite sex while we are together. Don't get me wrong, I've obviously meet new people through work etc, but, I think subconsciously, it's never developed to anything too close just out of respect for my partner. I think it's the same for him too.

If it's something you're not happy with, they should both respect you and tone it back.

JealousLa · 16-12-2018 12:07am

sexmag, as I have said repeatedly on this thread I have no intention of telling him not to talk to her. I am not trying to control anyone.

Pter wrote: »

Doesnt have to be 'dont talk to her again' it can just be 'im a little worried about how you are talking to her - its making me feel uncomfortable and i feel like you are speaking to her and doing things with her that we used to do together. Is there anything more to it?'.

So this is literally what I said to him when he got home last night.
I explained that they seemed to be chatting a lot lately, that it made me uncomfortable that it went from a group chat to a private discussion and that I felt the beginning of that private chatting was very odd and a little inappropriate (again, don't want to go into that).

He heard me about and didn't get defensive about it. He assured me that he sees her as nothing more than a friend but that he can see how they have been talking a lot recently and that it might come across as something it isn't. He said he'll tone it down. I mentioned the money he had been spending on her and he said that he had expected her to pay him back for the gig tickets but didn't want to make it awkward when it became obvious that she wasn't planning to. I can accept that.

I addressed the "stuck in a rut" situation and he agreed that we've let things slide and need to make far more of an effort to spend proper time together. He said that it has been very easy to consider that we have been spending time together as we're both at home in the evenings, both tired after work, and not feeling up to much. Having other people there makes it more of an event. He didn't explain it very well but I think I understand what he means. We've made a plan for some quality time over the next few weeks so we'll see how it goes.

I feel reassured and like a weight has been lifted.

The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

I think I need to focus on my relationship and take a step back from her.

Thanks for all of the advice folks. I appreciate it.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2018 12:20am

I think you were right to say something and your boyfriend's response- he admitted his head was turned a bit but not so much he was attracted to her but ye hadnt been making an effort lately. It's good to get a wake up call like that, and for both to realise and want to change things speaks volumes of the love ye both have for one another, and the priority ye place on the relationship. Would I say something ? No. Can we stop painting other women as threats..and accept that she's single, she was enjoying chats with your boyfriend and to be fair, he was fully engaged in them. She hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't made a pass at him, or tried to "steal him'...your relationship had gone a bit stale and ur boyfriend enjoyed the attention. Don't paint her as the bad guy- she owes nothing to ur relationship and shouldn't be caught in the middle and lambasted cos he needed to fix things.

However, not paying stuff back, that I'd call out if it happens regularly.

Baggly · 16-12-2018 12:42am

Fair play op. No easy solution but excellent first steps imo.

retro:electro · 16-12-2018 12:44am

I wouldn’t bring it up with her just yet. Just act as you usually would and get a sense of her behaviour, your boyfriend could have informed her himself..

Gonad · 16-12-2018 12:50am

We fancy all your friends.

In all seriousness . If I befriended one of my girlfriends friends like that she would get rid of me in a heartbeat .

If one of my friends was carrying on like that with my girlfriend they would be getting knocked out and she would be gone even quicker.

December2012 · 16-12-2018 12:52am

It sounds like you're handling it all perfectly. I'm glad your boyfriend reassured you. Your friend may have fallen into a rut of wrong behaviour - he's not a date for her! Cheeky mare! I think Your response was perfect

16-12-2018 1:11am

JealousLa wrote: »

sexmag, as I have said repeatedly on this thread I have no intention of telling him not to talk to her. I am not trying to control anyone.

So this is literally what I said to him when he got home last night.
I explained that they seemed to be chatting a lot lately, that it made me uncomfortable that it went from a group chat to a private discussion and that I felt the beginning of that private chatting was very odd and a little inappropriate (again, don't want to go into that).

He heard me about and didn't get defensive about it. He assured me that he sees her as nothing more than a friend but that he can see how they have been talking a lot recently and that it might come across as something it isn't. He said he'll tone it down. I mentioned the money he had been spending on her and he said that he had expected her to pay him back for the gig tickets but didn't want to make it awkward when it became obvious that she wasn't planning to. I can accept that.

I addressed the "stuck in a rut" situation and he agreed that we've let things slide and need to make far more of an effort to spend proper time together. He said that it has been very easy to consider that we have been spending time together as we're both at home in the evenings, both tired after work, and not feeling up to much. Having other people there makes it more of an event. He didn't explain it very well but I think I understand what he means. We've made a plan for some quality time over the next few weeks so we'll see how it goes.

I feel reassured and like a weight has been lifted.

The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

I think I need to focus on my relationship and take a step back from her.

Thanks for all of the advice folks. I appreciate it.

Ice her out, she sounds like poison!

Ursus Horribilis · 16-12-2018 1:40am

JealousLa wrote: »

The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

I can't believe she said that!! The absolute cheek of her. It is also an interesting insight into how she views your boyfriend and your relationship. I hope you told your boyfriend what she said.

It'd be nice to just cut contact with her or tell her to feck off. That's not going to happen as she's on your sports team and in your social circle. So my advice is to go for the next best thing - distancing yourself. It'd also help if both you and your boyfriend become less "available" and start doing more coupley things. She probably saw a "vacancy" because you had let things slide and go stale. Maybe she read something into ye being together 15 years and no ring on a finger either.

Hopefully this can help you refocus your relationship. She sounds like one of those frenemy types that you read about. It is a pity you can't shut her out of your life but it is what it is.

The_Honeybadger · 16-12-2018 3:50am

Op I had a girlfriend many years ago and I ended up getting quite close to her best friend we got on like a house on fire and there was definitely a spark. We were part of a group that went out drinking regularly and we would have all texted each other seperately but I texted her more than others and to be honest i fancied her and I know she fancied me too, if she had made a move I doubt I’d have been able to help myself. We were very young though, and I couldn’t see that situation arising ever again now that I am in my thirties.

I completely understand why you are annoyed and concerned. You need to cut this out or get rid of your fella simple as that. That she suggested she ‘borrow’ your boyfriend is a huge red flag. That is not a normal thing to ask.

JJayoo · 16-12-2018 3:56am

No guy is texting one of his female 'friends' during a night out drinking. This ain't gonna end well

LegacyUser · 16-12-2018 7:19am

JealousLa wrote: »

sexmag, as I have said repeatedly on this thread I have no intention of telling him not to talk to her. I am not trying to control anyone.

So this is literally what I said to him when he got home last night.
I explained that they seemed to be chatting a lot lately, that it made me uncomfortable that it went from a group chat to a private discussion and that I felt the beginning of that private chatting was very odd and a little inappropriate (again, don't want to go into that).

He heard me about and didn't get defensive about it. He assured me that he sees her as nothing more than a friend but that he can see how they have been talking a lot recently and that it might come across as something it isn't. He said he'll tone it down. I mentioned the money he had been spending on her and he said that he had expected her to pay him back for the gig tickets but didn't want to make it awkward when it became obvious that she wasn't planning to. I can accept that.

I addressed the "stuck in a rut" situation and he agreed that we've let things slide and need to make far more of an effort to spend proper time together. He said that it has been very easy to consider that we have been spending time together as we're both at home in the evenings, both tired after work, and not feeling up to much. Having other people there makes it more of an event. He didn't explain it very well but I think I understand what he means. We've made a plan for some quality time over the next few weeks so we'll see how it goes.

I feel reassured and like a weight has been lifted.

The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

I think I need to focus on my relationship and take a step back from her.

Thanks for all of the advice folks. I appreciate it.

I'm telling you now, she's looking to bag him at that wedding, I can't give out too much detail but the very same thing happened to me. Except the other woman was seperated. She would bombard me with texts and like a fool I felt flattered. My partner was always uncomfortable with the level of texts coming through, it got to the stage where they got a bit racy, and I had to delete those, my partner would never go through my phone but was so uncomfortable she decided to do it.

She discovered that I deleted the dodgy texts as I thought that I was able to control the situation. She confronted me about it and basically said "what else have you deleted?" Which is a fair point. Long story short, I nearly lost my family because I found out the other woman was poison from someone else. And my partner was correct from the start. As another poster said, single white female. The woman in question and I are still friends but knows that my partner knew what she was up to, I can't say how on here, but I'm telling you, don't even let them have a drink together without you being there or he'll be in the sack before he knows it....

It's very flattering for an attractive woman to be texting you constantly, but theres always a motive....trust me I nearly lost it all. I can't say much more than that.

milli milli · 16-12-2018 12:37pm

As another poster said, single white female.

Stop with the incorrect generalizations.
Most single women don’t behave like this. I find this woman’s behaviour appalling. I can never understand women who home in on another person’s partner. Do they see them as a challenge or something?
OP I would distance myself from this girl. And I’m glad your boyfriend is taking note and ye are going to work on your relationship. Best of luck.

Pelvis · 16-12-2018 12:38pm

milli milli wrote: »

Stop with the incorrect generalizations.
Most single women don’t behave like this. I find this woman’s behaviour appalling. I can never understand women who home in on another person’s partner. Do they see them as a challenge or something?
OP I would distance myself from this girl. And I’m glad your boyfriend is taking note and ye are going to work on your relationship. Best of luck.

Single white female is a movie.

milli milli · 16-12-2018 12:40pm

Pelvis wrote: »

Single white female is a movie.

Haha! Sorry, missed that!

Shop40 · 16-12-2018 1:02pm

OP you’ve handled things very well and with great dignity. My advice would be to distance yourself from your “friend”. From the sound of her, I wouldn’t trust her motives. And I wouldn’t care if that hurts her feelings. Put yourself first.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-12-2018 1:02pm

I think now that you have raised it with your bf, and he sees your point and acknowledges that it was becoming awkward (why on earth would she assume your boyfriend was going to pay for her on a night out?!) it is up to him now to distance himself. Whether he outright tells her to cut back on the contact, or whether he just backs off and hopes she gets the hint then you should trust him to handle this.

I wouldn't be too worried about hurting her feelings. At the sport you do, I'd avoid being overly friendly with her. I wouldn't give her much attention and I certainly wouldn't be laughing at any suggestion or reference to some sort of budding relationship between her and your bf. I'd not react at all. Completely blank expression of she says anything, almost as if you didn't hear her.

She has designs on him. 'Borrowing' him for a wedding is a ridiculous notion. And not one I'd ever suggest to anyone. Has she no other friends? Male or female?

Start blanking her. Be polite and civil and keep things superficial and at arms length. But do not give her any reaction at all when she starts talking about your bf.

retro:electro · 16-12-2018 1:07pm

That “borrowing your boyfriend” comment alone would have alarm bells ringing in my head, coupled with all of the other stuff I’d be making sure I completely distanced myself from her for good. I agree with the comment that stated she saw a “void” in your relationship and acted on opportunity. She is not to be trusted in the slightest. I wouldn’t even feel a little bit bad about cutting her off. She’s not your friend and never was. The overall impression I’m getting is that she was a massive burden on your relationship and almost broke it. Toxic.

Rikand · 16-12-2018 2:11pm

I was in a similarish situation many years ago. When I first started going out with my now wife I also became friends with another girl. From my perspective at least, it was never anything other than friends but about 3 years into my relationship my wife expressed concern about my relationship with this other girl and she thought she had designs on me.

I reassured my wife that there was nothing to be worried about but I met my friend and explained the situation. She also reassured me that we were just friends but she understood my wife's point of view and agreed we should cool oour friendship outwardly.

We never text each other after that and apart from random likes on facebook we never contact each other. But when we do randomly meet up, which is about once every 2-3 years, we're still great friends. Hopefully your boyfriend will have a similar chat with this girl and if she's any sort of a friend she'll see it the same way.

Jurgen Klopp · 16-12-2018 4:52pm

You'd want to keep an eye out cause this lady doesn't sound like she cares too much whether you'll be put out or not especially the "borrowing" your bf for a wedding, Jesus I used think it was an immature thing for ones in their early twenties to be doing that but at her age.

Hopefully your bf is sound but frankly I'd be keeping an eye out cause if she keeps messaging him who knows if he'll eventually give in and go back to messaging all day

Frankly with respect, I think he'll be still messaging her away in the sly cause it was dodgey enough carry on from the start

sexmag · 16-12-2018 5:21pm

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Hopefully your bf is sound but frankly I'd be keeping an eye out cause if she keeps messaging him who knows if he'll eventually give in and go back to messaging all day

Frankly with respect, I think he'll be still messaging her away in the sly cause it was dodgey enough carry on from the start

Nothing OP has said indicated this will happen, in fact her latest message states they will be working on each other together which is a positive thing to see

A comment like this is quite paranoid and it seems her and her bf have made good progress

tara73 · 16-12-2018 6:07pm

sexmag wrote: »

Nothing OP has said indicated this will happen, in fact her latest message states they will be working on each other together which is a positive thing to see

A comment like this is quite paranoid and it seems her and her bf have made good progress

as said, bf's behaviour was on the shady side from the beginning, so a bit of trust has to be rebuilt for sure before everything is happy clappy.

and what happened so far is, she made her points clear to him and they agreed to work on their relationship and him stopping the private texting with her. this was all just recently and only verbally agreed on.
actions will show if he follows through on his promises. so the advice to keep an eye out is sound enough and nothing paranoid about it.

Baggly · 16-12-2018 6:20pm

tara73 wrote:

this was all just recently and only verbally agreed on.

Get it down on a contract op. :P

Ursus Horribilis · 16-12-2018 6:33pm

I don't think it's paranoid to keep an eye on things. Even though we've established that the woman is the villain of the piece, I wouldn't give him the all clear just yet. That comment about borrowing him for the wedding didn't just come out of nowhere. It and the texting and the other behaviour seem to have given her the impression that she was in with a chance. Let's hope that all the intent was on one side and that the boyfriend just mishandled the situation.

tara73 · 16-12-2018 6:45pm

Pter wrote: »

Get it down on a contract op. :P

I think people know what I mean. funny, ridiculing other posts in one sentence statements like this are not welcome here, at least that's how it was in all the years I tried to help people here. Read the forum charter!

Baggly · 16-12-2018 7:00pm

tara73 wrote:

I think people know what I mean. funny, ridiculing other posts in one sentence statements like this are not welcome here, at least that's how it was in all the years I tried to help people here. Read the forum charter!

Ah sorry Tara I put the emoji in to be playful jokey not mean. If you read my posts in this thread you will see I'm not one to be mean or unhelpful.

Jurgen Klopp · 16-12-2018 7:09pm

sexmag wrote: »

Nothing OP has said indicated this will happen, in fact her latest message states they will be working on each other together which is a positive thing to see

A comment like this is quite paranoid and it seems her and her bf have made good progress

Me arse

When he's on nights out he's texting the "friend" all night where as his missus only got a text or two

He has no interest in going for a drink with his gf just the two of them but is mad go when they will be meeting the friend

What ever about buying the odd drink, he not regularly covers the friends share of teh food bill but bought her concert tickets, which he claimed he thought she'd pay back. If he thought that he'd have stop paying after the first or second occasion when she didn't throw a bit of cash his way. I don't know a single man or woman that would be up to all that craic.

You'd get a drink or cover your friends food bill as a once off if they forgot their card and you most certainly wouldn't be buying tickets without having sorted who'd paying what first especially if he's been paying for all these meal share of the bills and got nothing back for it

He might just be an eejit and is innocent, but frankly the OP would be extremely naive not to be careful and see how it goes

Purple Mountain · 16-12-2018 7:22pm

Well done OP. Well handled. Very mature on your part.
If it was me, I'd be redefining my friendship with this woman unless you really want her in your life.
I'd pull back gradually. If you freeze her out abruptly then you look like you are making an issue.
Christmas is here now so I assume classes are going to be off for a while. That'll put distance between ye.
If she's looking for a night out with you and OH, be polite and say ye have plans or are meeting family. And use the Christmas to rekindle that spark. Book a night away for over the period. Just you two. No texts or calls to anyone else, family friends etc.
Aim to not see her over Christmas/NY.
Then start the new year with a redefinition in the class. Be smiley and friendly but know your boundaries!
It's up to your OH now to prove he has put the distance in too.
Merry Christmas!

LegacyUser · 16-12-2018 8:42pm

I'm just going to add one thing. I was stupidly going along thinking I could control the stuff, that I actually thought about getting a second phone. I never slept with the woman but was totally flattered by her, she was good looking, seemed perfect in every way. But I found out she was a poisonous fecker that wrecked her own family and a number of others. Seriously cut this lunatic out of your life.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2018 9:14pm

Ok so I'll put it like this, the other woman, tried to freeze out my partner, trying to make me see that she was irrational. It got to the point that I was thinking the same, but I found out she was a player and had 2 failed relationships, and was constantly texting me and other men........ged rid of her before it's too late. I have never cheated before and never will, but the manimpulation...I fell for it..

Unanimous · 16-12-2018 11:34pm

JealousLa wrote: »

sexmag, as I have said repeatedly on this thread I have no intention of telling him not to talk to her. I am not trying to control anyone.

So this is literally what I said to him when he got home last night.
I explained that they seemed to be chatting a lot lately, that it made me uncomfortable that it went from a group chat to a private discussion and that I felt the beginning of that private chatting was very odd and a little inappropriate (again, don't want to go into that).

He heard me about and didn't get defensive about it. He assured me that he sees her as nothing more than a friend but that he can see how they have been talking a lot recently and that it might come across as something it isn't. He said he'll tone it down. I mentioned the money he had been spending on her and he said that he had expected her to pay him back for the gig tickets but didn't want to make it awkward when it became obvious that she wasn't planning to. I can accept that.

I addressed the "stuck in a rut" situation and he agreed that we've let things slide and need to make far more of an effort to spend proper time together. He said that it has been very easy to consider that we have been spending time together as we're both at home in the evenings, both tired after work, and not feeling up to much. Having other people there makes it more of an event. He didn't explain it very well but I think I understand what he means. We've made a plan for some quality time over the next few weeks so we'll see how it goes.

I feel reassured and like a weight has been lifted.

The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

I think I need to focus on my relationship and take a step back from her.

Thanks for all of the advice folks. I appreciate it.

I am happy things are working out for you but please listen to this...she is not and was never your friend.
if she were, she would not have been enroute causing havoc in your relationship. No woman allows a guy buy her drinks, ticket etc for no reason.
As others said, she felt the void in your relationship and wanted to take advantage of it. Borrow your boyfriend? My God...
You have treated this maturely and it's up to your man to respect you and do the right thing.
If she ever mentions something similar to that, just say to her "x can I just say this to you girl to girl, we are cool but my relationship is past the limit. I can't believe you asked me that"

Unanimous · 16-12-2018 11:38pm

Been there before wrote: »

Ok so I'll put it like this, the other woman, tried to freeze out my partner, trying to make me see that she was irrational. It got to the point that I was thinking the same, but I found out she was a player and had 2 failed relationships, and was constantly texting me and other men........ged rid of her before it's too late. I have never cheated before and never will, but the manimpulation...I fell for it..

That is what some people do to come between two people who have been in a satisfactory relationship till they showed up in their lives.
The worst part is that they just want the attention and to snatch him or her because they can see that someone else cherishes them.
When their job is done, they can't sustain a relationship with who they have snatched.
They only want what someone else has.
The worst part is that unknowingly people give them benefit of the doubt till they prove themselves.
Idiotic behaviour.

Unanimous · 16-12-2018 11:40pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Well done OP. Well handled. Very mature on your part.
If it was me, I'd be redefining my friendship with this woman unless you really want her in your life.
I'd pull back gradually. If you freeze her out abruptly then you look like you are making an issue.
Christmas is here now so I assume classes are going to be off for a while. That'll put distance between ye.
If she's looking for a night out with you and OH, be polite and say ye have plans or are meeting family. And use the Christmas to rekindle that spark. Book a night away for over the period. Just you two. No texts or calls to anyone else, family friends etc.
Aim to not see her over Christmas/NY.
Then start the new year with a redefinition in the class. Be smiley and friendly but know your boundaries!
It's up to your OH now to prove he has put the distance in too.
Merry Christmas!

Can't thank you enough for this post!

Toots · 16-12-2018 11:40pm

The comment about borrowing your BF makes me think she had designs on him. I wouldn't be surprised if she had ideas about making a move at the wedding. Is sounds like your BF may not be aware of her intentions, so I'd make sure to say to him about her wanting to take him to the wedding. It would help drive home the point that he needs to cool it with her, before she gets even more of the "wrong idea".

LegacyUser · 17-12-2018 4:41am

Rikand wrote: »

I was in a similarish situation many years ago. When I first started going out with my now wife I also became friends with another girl. From my perspective at least, it was never anything other than friends but about 3 years into my relationship my wife expressed concern about my relationship with this other girl and she thought she had designs on me.

I reassured my wife that there was nothing to be worried about but I met my friend and explained the situation. She also reassured me that we were just friends but she understood my wife's point of view and agreed we should cool oour friendship outwardly.

We never text each other after that and apart from random likes on facebook we never contact each other. But when we do randomly meet up, which is about once every 2-3 years, we're still great friends. Hopefully your boyfriend will have a similar chat with this girl and if she's any sort of a friend she'll see it the same way.

That story made me feel really sad. You lost a good friend for no reason.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2018 9:21am

Toots wrote: »

The comment about borrowing your BF makes me think she had designs on him. I wouldn't be surprised if she had ideas about making a move at the wedding. Is sounds like your BF may not be aware of her intentions, so I'd make sure to say to him about her wanting to take him to the wedding. It would help drive home the point that he needs to cool it with her, before she gets even more of the "wrong idea".

Second this, OP.

Did I read you right, OP that she was the first to start messaging him privately with something personal? If so, coupled with the crack about borrowing him and the lack of respect for boundaries, would make me think she has her eye on him. What a comment for her to make! As another poster said, she sounds more like a frenemy. Start avoiding where you can and definitely no more threesome nights out - that needs to be 100% knocked on the head.

Faugheen · 28-12-2018 3:10am

I’d be telling him about the ‘borrow your boyfriend’ comment and follow that up by suggesting both of you cut her off completely. If he is being genuine in what he said to you, then he’ll agree that it completely crosses the line.

She’s completely inappropriate with that comment, to the point that she’s looking for a reaction from you in front of a group of people.

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of explaining the boundaries to her. Cut her out, immediately.

Worried my boyfriend might fancy my friend

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