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Worried my boyfriend might fancy my friend

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    #92
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,028 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Well done OP. Well handled. Very mature on your part.
    If it was me, I'd be redefining my friendship with this woman unless you really want her in your life.
    I'd pull back gradually. If you freeze her out abruptly then you look like you are making an issue.
    Christmas is here now so I assume classes are going to be off for a while. That'll put distance between ye.
    If she's looking for a night out with you and OH, be polite and say ye have plans or are meeting family. And use the Christmas to rekindle that spark. Book a night away for over the period. Just you two. No texts or calls to anyone else, family friends etc.
    Aim to not see her over Christmas/NY.
    Then start the new year with a redefinition in the class. Be smiley and friendly but know your boundaries!
    It's up to your OH now to prove he has put the distance in too.
    Merry Christmas!

    To thine own self be true



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    #93
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm just going to add one thing. I was stupidly going along thinking I could control the stuff, that I actually thought about getting a second phone. I never slept with the woman but was totally flattered by her, she was good looking, seemed perfect in every way. But I found out she was a poisonous fecker that wrecked her own family and a number of others. Seriously cut this lunatic out of your life.


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    #94
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok so I'll put it like this, the other woman, tried to freeze out my partner, trying to make me see that she was irrational. It got to the point that I was thinking the same, but I found out she was a player and had 2 failed relationships, and was constantly texting me and other men........ged rid of her before it's too late. I have never cheated before and never will, but the manimpulation...I fell for it..


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    #95
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    JealousLa wrote: »
    sexmag, as I have said repeatedly on this thread I have no intention of telling him not to talk to her. I am not trying to control anyone.



    So this is literally what I said to him when he got home last night.
    I explained that they seemed to be chatting a lot lately, that it made me uncomfortable that it went from a group chat to a private discussion and that I felt the beginning of that private chatting was very odd and a little inappropriate (again, don't want to go into that).

    He heard me about and didn't get defensive about it. He assured me that he sees her as nothing more than a friend but that he can see how they have been talking a lot recently and that it might come across as something it isn't. He said he'll tone it down. I mentioned the money he had been spending on her and he said that he had expected her to pay him back for the gig tickets but didn't want to make it awkward when it became obvious that she wasn't planning to. I can accept that.

    I addressed the "stuck in a rut" situation and he agreed that we've let things slide and need to make far more of an effort to spend proper time together. He said that it has been very easy to consider that we have been spending time together as we're both at home in the evenings, both tired after work, and not feeling up to much. Having other people there makes it more of an event. He didn't explain it very well but I think I understand what he means. We've made a plan for some quality time over the next few weeks so we'll see how it goes.

    I feel reassured and like a weight has been lifted.

    The only issue I have now is my friend. Do I say something to her or just leave it? We were at training on Tuesday and she was telling me about a family wedding she had to go to in the new year and made a comment about "borrowing" my boyfriend as her date. I laughed and said "umm, no. That's not happening." And she just laughed it off.

    I think I need to focus on my relationship and take a step back from her.

    Thanks for all of the advice folks. I appreciate it.

    I am happy things are working out for you but please listen to this...she is not and was never your friend.
    if she were, she would not have been enroute causing havoc in your relationship. No woman allows a guy buy her drinks, ticket etc for no reason.
    As others said, she felt the void in your relationship and wanted to take advantage of it. Borrow your boyfriend? My God...
    You have treated this maturely and it's up to your man to respect you and do the right thing.
    If she ever mentions something similar to that, just say to her "x can I just say this to you girl to girl, we are cool but my relationship is past the limit. I can't believe you asked me that"


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    #96
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    Been there before wrote: »
    Ok so I'll put it like this, the other woman, tried to freeze out my partner, trying to make me see that she was irrational. It got to the point that I was thinking the same, but I found out she was a player and had 2 failed relationships, and was constantly texting me and other men........ged rid of her before it's too late. I have never cheated before and never will, but the manimpulation...I fell for it..

    That is what some people do to come between two people who have been in a satisfactory relationship till they showed up in their lives.
    The worst part is that they just want the attention and to snatch him or her because they can see that someone else cherishes them.
    When their job is done, they can't sustain a relationship with who they have snatched.
    They only want what someone else has.
    The worst part is that unknowingly people give them benefit of the doubt till they prove themselves.
    Idiotic behaviour.


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    #97
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    Well done OP. Well handled. Very mature on your part.
    If it was me, I'd be redefining my friendship with this woman unless you really want her in your life.
    I'd pull back gradually. If you freeze her out abruptly then you look like you are making an issue.
    Christmas is here now so I assume classes are going to be off for a while. That'll put distance between ye.
    If she's looking for a night out with you and OH, be polite and say ye have plans or are meeting family. And use the Christmas to rekindle that spark. Book a night away for over the period. Just you two. No texts or calls to anyone else, family friends etc.
    Aim to not see her over Christmas/NY.
    Then start the new year with a redefinition in the class. Be smiley and friendly but know your boundaries!
    It's up to your OH now to prove he has put the distance in too.
    Merry Christmas!

    Can't thank you enough for this post!


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    #98
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    The comment about borrowing your BF makes me think she had designs on him. I wouldn't be surprised if she had ideas about making a move at the wedding. Is sounds like your BF may not be aware of her intentions, so I'd make sure to say to him about her wanting to take him to the wedding. It would help drive home the point that he needs to cool it with her, before she gets even more of the "wrong idea".


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    #99
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Rikand wrote: »
    I was in a similarish situation many years ago. When I first started going out with my now wife I also became friends with another girl. From my perspective at least, it was never anything other than friends but about 3 years into my relationship my wife expressed concern about my relationship with this other girl and she thought she had designs on me.

    I reassured my wife that there was nothing to be worried about but I met my friend and explained the situation. She also reassured me that we were just friends but she understood my wife's point of view and agreed we should cool oour friendship outwardly.

    We never text each other after that and apart from random likes on facebook we never contact each other. But when we do randomly meet up, which is about once every 2-3 years, we're still great friends. Hopefully your boyfriend will have a similar chat with this girl and if she's any sort of a friend she'll see it the same way.
    That story made me feel really sad. You lost a good friend for no reason.


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    #100
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Toots wrote: »
    The comment about borrowing your BF makes me think she had designs on him. I wouldn't be surprised if she had ideas about making a move at the wedding. Is sounds like your BF may not be aware of her intentions, so I'd make sure to say to him about her wanting to take him to the wedding. It would help drive home the point that he needs to cool it with her, before she gets even more of the "wrong idea".

    Second this, OP.

    Did I read you right, OP that she was the first to start messaging him privately with something personal? If so, coupled with the crack about borrowing him and the lack of respect for boundaries, would make me think she has her eye on him. What a comment for her to make! As another poster said, she sounds more like a frenemy. Start avoiding where you can and definitely no more threesome nights out - that needs to be 100% knocked on the head.


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    #101
    Faugheen
    Site Banned Posts: 12,341 ✭✭✭✭Faugheen


    I’d be telling him about the ‘borrow your boyfriend’ comment and follow that up by suggesting both of you cut her off completely. If he is being genuine in what he said to you, then he’ll agree that it completely crosses the line.

    She’s completely inappropriate with that comment, to the point that she’s looking for a reaction from you in front of a group of people.

    I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of explaining the boundaries to her. Cut her out, immediately.


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    #102
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    No guy who is in a relationship needs to be texting a girl. I don’t care what anyone else says but if he feels the need to do so there is something else going on. I am not saying he is cheating but us guys are fairly simple people. I text my mates for football scores, funny pictures or invites on the session. I’m single and only text one girl who is my closest friend but we have discussed that if either end up in a relationship we couldn’t continue to do so. There is nothing flirty or anything like that but it would be weird. Why does your guy want to text a girl when he could be texting you?


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    #103
    sexmag
    Registered Users Posts: 1,303 ✭✭✭sexmag


    joeguevara wrote: »
    I’m single and only text one girl who is my closest friend but we have discussed that if either end up in a relationship we couldn’t continue to do so. There is nothing flirty or anything like that but it would be weird.

    What?

    Why on earth would you both decide to end a friendship because you are in a relationship?

    If anything she and you should be celebrating and being a part of said relationship


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    #104
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    joeguevara wrote: »
    No guy who is in a relationship needs to be texting a girl. I don’t care what anyone else says but if he feels the need to do so there is something else going on. I am not saying he is cheating but us guys are fairly simple people. I text my mates for football scores, funny pictures or invites on the session. I’m single and only text one girl who is my closest friend but we have discussed that if either end up in a relationship we couldn’t continue to do so. There is nothing flirty or anything like that but it would be weird. Why does your guy want to text a girl when he could be texting you?

    I have to say I completely disagree with this and think it's an incredibly immature viewpoint. Would you expect your future girlfriend to also cut contact with any male friends? If so, that's extremely insecure and controlling.
    I don't subscribe to nonsense view that men and women can't be friends without something sexual happening.

    Not much to update on this. I told my other half about the wedding comment and he said "she was probably just joking." I asked him what his reaction would be if she asked him to go with her and he said he wouldn't dream of it. I'm happy enough with that.

    Thanks again for all the responses and advice.


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    #105
    JJayoo
    Registered Users Posts: 6,561 ✭✭✭JJayoo


    joeguevara wrote: »
    No guy who is in a relationship needs to be texting a girl. I don’t care what anyone else says but if he feels the need to do so there is something else going on. I am not saying he is cheating but us guys are fairly simple people. I text my mates for football scores, funny pictures or invites on the session. I’m single and only text one girl who is my closest friend but we have discussed that if either end up in a relationship we couldn’t continue to do so. There is nothing flirty or anything like that but it would be weird. Why does your guy want to text a girl when he could be texting you?

    Guys will agree with this and girls will disagree.


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    #106
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,029 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    JJayoo wrote: »
    Guys will agree with this and girls will disagree.

    Eh noooo! Generalisations help nobody and btw you're wrong.

    People in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex but there must be trust and barriers. A line has been crossed in this case but that doesn't mean it's not possible.

    This woman is trying to be a cuckoo and needs to be kicked out of this particular nest. Time for her to find a relationship of her own


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