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Worried my boyfriend might fancy my friend

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  • 10-12-2018 6:36pm
    #1
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭


    I've been with my boyfriend for a long time, 15 years this Christmas. We're both mid-30s.

    About 18 months ago a new woman joined the sports team I'm part of and we became friends. We have lots of the same interests and just have fun together. I don't have a huge amount of friends so it was nice to have someone new to hang with. We see each other at training twice a week and would go for drinks maybe once a week/fortnight.

    She's been out for drinks with me and my boyfriend and they got along well. We had a group text going when arranging other nights and various events we were going to but after a few months they were texting each other separately. I've noticed lately that they've been texting each other a lot. At training, she'll mention some conversation they had, or some funny thing he said via text. He was out for beers with his friends a few weeks ago and she told me afterwards that he had been texting her throughout his night. I got a couple of texts but it sounds like she got a lot more.

    I made a joke about him texting her and he got a bit defensive and said that he considers her his friend too, she's not just my friend so there shouldn't be a problem. It makes me uneasy. I have some insecurities about my appearance and would consider her more attractive than me. He seems more eager to go for a beer with me if he knows she'll be there. Part of me was also excited to have a new friend that was outside our social circle. After being together for so long my friends are "our" friends. It was nice to have that separation but I feel like she prefers spending time with him.

    Am I being paranoid?


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    #2
    sexmag
    Registered Users Posts: 1,303 ✭✭✭sexmag


    If she is telling you and bringing it up I wouldn't worry,I mean if somethings going on they're hardly going to discuss their conversations with you.

    It might be he likes having a female friend and they just gel together and doesn't want you getting jealous which is why he may be stand offish as male/female platonic friendships while both are in relationship usually have people making assumptions that aren't there

    If you have your own insecurities that may be what's going on here


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    #3
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    sexmag wrote: »
    If she is telling you and bringing it up I wouldn't worry,I mean if somethings going on they're hardly going to discuss their conversations with you.

    She's telling me but he isn't. This is what worries me.
    sexmag wrote: »
    It might be he likes having a female friend and they just gel together and doesn't want you getting jealous which is why he may be stand offish as male/female platonic friendships while both are in relationship usually have people making assumptions that aren't there

    We have other female friends that he gets along great with but this really stands out to me as I've never known him to be like this. This is definitely different.
    sexmag wrote: »
    If you have your own insecurities that may be what's going on here

    Maybe. Thanks for the reply.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    JealousLa wrote: »
    I've been with my boyfriend for a long time, 15 years this Christmas. We're both mid-30s.

    About 18 months ago a new woman joined the sports team I'm part of and we became friends. We have lots of the same interests and just have fun together. I don't have a huge amount of friends so it was nice to have someone new to hang with. We see each other at training twice a week and would go for drinks maybe once a week/fortnight.

    She's been out for drinks with me and my boyfriend and they got along well. We had a group text going when arranging other nights and various events we were going to but after a few months they were texting each other separately. I've noticed lately that they've been texting each other a lot. At training, she'll mention some conversation they had, or some funny thing he said via text. He was out for beers with his friends a few weeks ago and she told me afterwards that he had been texting her throughout his night. I got a couple of texts but it sounds like she got a lot more.

    I made a joke about him texting her and he got a bit defensive and said that he considers her his friend too, she's not just my friend so there shouldn't be a problem. It makes me uneasy. I have some insecurities about my appearance and would consider her more attractive than me. He seems more eager to go for a beer with me if he knows she'll be there. Part of me was also excited to have a new friend that was outside our social circle. After being together for so long my friends are "our" friends. It was nice to have that separation but I feel like she prefers spending time with him.

    Am I being paranoid?

    No not paranoid, I nearly lost my family though manipulated. I was a a thick man, yeah yeah she's sound. My other half of 18 years knew, same as, texting etc. I'm glad she spotted it because I'd have destroyed the family before I realised what was going on.


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    #5
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    I’d definitely be uncomfortable with that but that doesn’t mean I’d be right to feel that way. Be interesting to see what other replies come in.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Personally I think it's the height of ignorance& disrespect to be having numerous private long-winded intimate text conversations with someone in a 15 year relationship.
    As a single female myself, I wouldn't dream of texting my friends partners. & I would expect the same courtesy from my friends partners also- no contact unless absolutely urgent.
    Your gut is probably spot on. But you can't control him, her, or their behaviour. The only person you have control over here is you. I'd keep all lines of communication open so that your partner knows that you know- & if you need to blag a little as to the extent of what you know, grand. Then decide if it's worth putting up with.


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    #7
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,052 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I can't really say one way or another but to add some more pieces to the puzzle..
    Do you have any male friends who you would interact with a fair bit besides your OH?
    And if say your OH met a new guy friend at the gym and introduced you to him and you subsequently started an independent friendship with him, how do you think he'd feel?

    To thine own self be true



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    #8
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I can't really say one way or another but to add some more pieces to the puzzle..
    Do you have any male friends who you would interact with a fair bit besides your OH?


    I have a couple of male friends that I've known since childhood. I would consider them close friends but they're married with kids now and have their own lives so we wouldn't have the same level of interaction.
    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    And if say your OH met a new guy friend at the gym and introduced you to him and you subsequently started an independent friendship with him, how do you think he'd feel?

    I don't know is the honest answer. It's a situation that I can't really imagine happening. Like he has friends from work that he spends time with and while I've been out with them a few times and we've all gotten along great I wouldn't see myself texting them separately to him.


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    #9
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Thanks for your replies.

    Part of me is thinking that maybe they just get along better and will be better friends than her and I and that's just life. That I should trust him and accept it.

    But another part of me is concerned about the potential for feelings to develop if I leave it unchecked. I don't want to be the paranoid controlling girlfriend telling him who he can and can't be friends with. I'm worried that after being together for so long maybe he's bored and his head has been turned by someone new and fun and exciting and more attractive and confident than me.

    I don't want to make her out to be a villain but I get the feeling that, even if she wouldn't do anything, she'd like it if he fancied her. But maybe that's just human nature - we all want to be desired. I've also noticed the last few times we were out that he's paying for drinks for her, buying event tickets and not getting the money back from her, covering her share of the food bill, stuff like that. We're both very generous people but I feel like she's taking advantage a bit.

    Sorry, that's all a bit all over the place. I'm tying myself up in knots.
    He's away in the States at the moment for work and I think the thoughts of him texting her while he's away, which I'm sure is happening, is making me overthink and worry.


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    #10
    TheIronyMaiden
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭TheIronyMaiden


    I'd be uncomfortable with that. If I'm reading correctly, she was your friend first? I'd be wondering about the moment that one of them decided to private WhatsApp the other outside of the group chat. Why like? What can't be said in the group with all three of you chatting?

    Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but I would have an issue with that if it was my partner.


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    #11
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    My read on this would be the same as yours OP. I wouldn't be happy at all if my OH was texting a female friend of mine that much, in some situations more than he was texting me? And what's this lark about paying for her too, buying her drinks and covering her food and ticket costs?

    Not at all appropriate. Can you be sure of the content of their messaging? Is it entirely innocent, is there any flirting going on there at all even subtly?

    If there's feeling on either side here then it's a matter of time before it gets to that stage.

    What would put this in context would be if you have any male friends that you have a similar friendship with etc, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

    His getting defensive and saying they're "just friends" is not good enough. I'd put the situation on him - "how would you feel if I was texting your mate "Jonny" etc pretty regularly, as much as I text you if not more, and separately to our group chat? And paying for him constantly while we're out etc? Would that seem appropriate to you?"


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    #12
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    TheIronyMaiden wrote: »
    I'd be uncomfortable with that. If I'm reading correctly, she was your friend first? I'd be wondering about the moment that one of them decided to private WhatsApp the other outside of the group chat. Why like? What can't be said in the group with all three of you chatting?

    Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but I would have an issue with that if it was my partner.

    Thanks for your reply.

    I can pinpoint the start of the private talking but I can't give the details here as it would make me instantly identifiable to either of them. I think it would make the whole thing seem even more inappropriate if I could divulge it here, and I have said it to both of them that it was weird to me, but they both brushed it off. She said she assumed I knew and he just shrugged.


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    #13
    Pelvis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,758 ✭✭✭Pelvis


    Is he like this with his other friends? You say he was out one night and texting her all night while you only get a few texts. Would he be texting his other mates as much?


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    #14
    TheIronyMaiden
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭TheIronyMaiden


    JealousLa wrote: »
    Thanks for your reply.

    I can pinpoint the start of the private talking but I can't give the details here as it would make me instantly identifiable to either of them. I think it would make the whole thing seem even more inappropriate if I could divulge it here, and I have said it to both of them that it was weird to me, but they both brushed it off. She said she assumed I knew and he just shrugged.

    Totally understand, that's fair enough. From your posts OP you seem very level-headed in reasoning out your feelings, so I would be inclined to trust your gut on this one. You don't seem overcome with jealousy or anything like that if you know what I mean!

    The whole thing just would make me uncomfortable. Maybe fair enough if your partner had no friends and happened to get on well with this girl, but from what I got from your posts you both have a decent social life so...I dunno. Just doesn't feel right.


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    #15
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Pelvis wrote: »
    Is he like this with his other friends? You say he was out one night and texting her all night while you only get a few texts. Would he be texting his other mates as much?

    Not that I've noticed before. Certainly not to this extent.


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    #16
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,719 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Ddcccc wrote: »
    Personally I think it's the height of ignorance& disrespect to be having numerous private long-winded intimate text conversations with someone in a 15 year relationship. .

    how do you know they are intimate conversations? i re-read ops post, and that is not said at all, or even inferred.

    OP your gut is probably not wrong, that he appears attracted to this person and is giving this person a bit of attention. The young lady appears to have flagged this to you, and would at first appearance appear to be trustworthy.Yet in your second past you said " I feel like she's taking advantage a bit."

    OP why do you think that and are you projecting your insecurities here and making this person appear at blame for the attentions she is receiving?

    However attraction does not equal inappropriate sexual behaviour or cheating on the part of your boyfriend.

    So what are you left with? Your boyfriend possibly appearing a little ridiculous, and your feelings a little hurt.

    not ideal, but also in the context of a 15 year relationship - is this a behaviour a deal breaker?


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    #17
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    His getting defensive and saying they're "just friends" is not good enough. I'd put the situation on him - "how would you feel if I was texting your mate "Jonny" etc pretty regularly, as much as I text you if not more, and separately to our group chat? And paying for him constantly while we're out etc? Would that seem appropriate to you?"

    I think this is the approach I'm going to take when he gets home.
    I have a tendency to approach things in a jokey way but it's really bothering me and I know it'll fester if I don't say something.


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    #18
    Shop40
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭Shop40


    TheIronyMaiden wrote: »
    I'd be uncomfortable with that. If I'm reading correctly, she was your friend first? I'd be wondering about the moment that one of them decided to private WhatsApp the other outside of the group chat. Why like? What can't be said in the group with all three of you chatting?

    Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but I would have an issue with that if it was my partner.

    I agree with this post. Why the private WhatsApp chat? I don’t like the sound of it OP. You deserve better.


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    #19
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Xterminator wrote: »
    how do you know they are intimate conversations? i re-read ops post, and that is not said at all, or even inferred.

    The beginning of the private texting was something I would consider to be very intimate. Not sexual or anything like that, but something very personal to her that she shared with him over a number of weeks. It is very hard to explain what it is without going into details and as I said earlier, I can't give the details without potentially outing myself here.
    Xterminator wrote: »
    OP your gut is probably not wrong, that he appears attracted to this person and is giving this person a bit of attention. The young lady appears to have flagged this to you, and would at first appearance appear to be trustworthy.Yet in your second past you said " I feel like she's taking advantage a bit."

    I don't think she flagged anything with me, not intentionally anyway. Her telling me about their texting was not done in any sort of "just to let you know, he's been messaging me" way. It was her mentioning him and their conversations in passing as if it was all totally normal and maybe to her it is.

    The money thing has been more recent and she is happy to let him pay for things. To me, that's taking advantage regardless of the situation. It's not something he or I would ever do, so I don't like seeing someone doing it to him. The fact that I have concerns about their relationship just adds to it.
    Xterminator wrote: »
    OP why do you think that and are you projecting your insecurities here and making this person appear at blame for the attentions she is receiving?

    Maybe I am projecting, or maybe I'm just aware that here we have this person who is objectively more attractive than me that he appears to have an interest in. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have insecurity around that. Particular when we've been together for such a long time. I don't believe I'm blaming her for anything but I am conscious that, from what I've seen, this has the potential to develop into something more. EDIT Also, to clarify. This is not a one-way thing with him giving her attention and her not giving it back. There's very much the two of them in it.
    Xterminator wrote: »
    However attraction does not equal inappropriate sexual behaviour or cheating on the part of your boyfriend.

    I am aware of that. And I don't think he has any intentions of doing anything with her. But I also don't want to find myself in a situation down the line where my partner is having what some would call an emotional affair with my friend.
    Xterminator wrote: »
    So what are you left with? Your boyfriend possibly appearing a little ridiculous, and your feelings a little hurt.

    not ideal, but also in the context of a 15 year relationship - is this a behaviour a deal breaker?

    I'm not saying this is a deal breaker. I'm posting here to ask for advice on how to approach this. Agian, I don't want to be telling him who he can and can't be friends with, but I'd also like the both of them to have some respect for our relationship and not put themselves in a situation where something could develop - acted on or not.


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    #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I wouldn't be happy with that situation either, OP. The whole thing just feels wrong. And as others have said, why the need for them to message separately? There isn't. He seems to be messaging her a lot. I'm friendly with my friends partners/husbands etc, but I wouldn't ever message them separately to my friends. It's just disrespectful really. That he got defensive when you raised it initially would also make me wonder whether he does have feelings for her.

    Definitely have a serious talk with him about it. There's the potential for a big mess if left unchecked.


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    #21
    dmm82
    Registered Users Posts: 593 ✭✭✭dmm82


    I definitely would not be okay with this either OP. I think its disrespectful and I would be thinking along the lines of this is the start of something. How was your relationship before this started? Do you think it had gone a bit stale?
    It can be easy to let things slide/ stop making an effort when you're with someone that long. Would it be possible for you both to go away for a weekend to just spend some quality time together and get the spark back?


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    #22
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    There’s a married man with children in my job who is constantly messaging other females in work trying to set up affairs with them.
    I don’t know how he gets away with it as they do be WhatsApping too.
    Maybe he spins this line to his wife too.

    I’d ask him to stop. If he says no then you’ve a big decision to make.

    My ex had lots of “friends” texting who I never got to meet. I was always a bit suspicious of that so maybe I’m projecting from that experience.


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    #23
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    sexmag wrote: »
    If she is telling you and bringing it up I wouldn't worry,I mean if somethings going on they're hardly going to discuss their conversations....

    Hiding in plain sight.


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    #24
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I text one of my friend’s husbands quite a bit. BUT it’s subject driven, ie after a gig, a FB post about a subject that we’re both really interested in. So that could be a flurry of texts over a few days - but then nothing for months.

    I would find the constant texts very strange.


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    #25
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    It sounds inappropriate behaviour from both of them to me.

    I certainly would not begin privately texting any of my friends long term partners extensively and think it was ok.

    Nor would I be happy if my husband started texting one of my own friends privately as you describe.

    Neither of them are respecting the boundaries of his relationship with you.

    Much as I think she is a cheeky bint, its really him who is at fault here because he is the one with the commitment to you. She is a new friend and if she is single she doesnt owe anybody anything, although it is disrespectful to you, I feel that he is at greater fault.

    Id have it out with him. And id be distancing myself from her - she isnt your friend.


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    #26
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I think I'd have a huge issue with this too. No matter what, I'd expect to be the person my husband is closest to, and rightly or wrongly, one metric I'd use is how much contact he is in with me compared to others. If he was constantly texting another woman, while only occasionally texting me, I'd be raging and worried. I'd definitely discuss this with him, OP.

    You've also been together for 15 years and you still describe him as your boyfriend. Presumably you got together quite young. How is your relationship? Is it stale at all? Could he be chasing excitement elsewhere just to feel that spark again? It could be that the two of you need to work at reigniting the passion in your own relationship. I'm curious as to whether there's a reason that you haven't gotten married, for example? My husband and I have been together for 10 years and it's so easy to slip into mundane routines where you stop paying attention to each other, or having romantic dates or exciting sex or whatever it may be. I think all long-term couples need to put effort into keeping the spark alive, so I'm just musing as to whether that might be a factor?


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    #27
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,419 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    God, this is all making for very uncomfortable reading for me. I was in a similar-ish situation with my husband years ago, the only difference was that she was his friend rather than mine. But what started off as normal texting became more and more frequent over a number of months, to the point where I used to refer to her (jokingly, but the joke ended up being on me) as his girlfriend. I should have dealt with it at the time, but let it slide as I felt - and some others have referenced this in your situation - "They're being so open about it, they clearly don't have anything to hide." Long story short, friendship turned into an emotional affair which turned physical and he is now married to her.

    I would be very, very wary of this dynamic, OP. I think you need to have a serious sit-down with both of them. Separately, obvs. Don't accuse them of anything, just lay out that it's making you uncomfortable and at the very least it's disrespectful and inappropriate.


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    #28
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    dmm82 wrote: »
    I definitely would not be okay with this either OP. I think its disrespectful and I would be thinking along the lines of this is the start of something. How was your relationship before this started? Do you think it had gone a bit stale?
    It can be easy to let things slide/ stop making an effort when you're with someone that long. Would it be possible for you both to go away for a weekend to just spend some quality time together and get the spark back?

    We've definitely had our ups and downs over the years and I do think we may have been in a bit of a rut lately. We're both stressed about work and anything social that we've been doing has been with other people not just ourselves. And over the last few months anything social has been with her. It's like we've become this odd threesome and I don't like it.

    I think the suggestion of a weekend or something away is a good one. He can be a bit reluctant to plan anything but I think I need to push him on this.


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    #29
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Faith wrote: »
    You've also been together for 15 years and you still describe him as your boyfriend. Presumably you got together quite young. How is your relationship? Is it stale at all? Could he be chasing excitement elsewhere just to feel that spark again? It could be that the two of you need to work at reigniting the passion in your own relationship. I'm curious as to whether there's a reason that you haven't gotten married, for example? My husband and I have been together for 10 years and it's so easy to slip into mundane routines where you stop paying attention to each other, or having romantic dates or exciting sex or whatever it may be. I think all long-term couples need to put effort into keeping the spark alive, so I'm just musing as to whether that might be a factor?

    I think there is a bit of staleness there at the moment. We're stressed with work and bills and I think we've maybe been taking each other for granted. Some alone time would be very welcome. He can be reluctant though. Like, we wouldn't really go for a drink by ourselves. I'd suggest it and he isn't ever really up for it. For him to suggest going for a drink recently, and on a work night, threw me and I do think it was because she would be there.

    Marriage has never really been something either of us are interested in so I don't think he's not been committed to me because of that.
    I think perhaps we've let the spark dim and, as you suggested, need to put some effort in to get it back.


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    #30
    JealousLa
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭JealousLa


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    God, this is all making for very uncomfortable reading for me. I was in a similar-ish situation with my husband years ago, the only difference was that she was his friend rather than mine. But what started off as normal texting became more and more frequent over a number of months, to the point where I used to refer to her (jokingly, but the joke ended up being on me) as his girlfriend. I should have dealt with it at the time, but let it slide as I felt - and some others have referenced this in your situation - "They're being so open about it, they clearly don't have anything to hide." Long story short, friendship turned into an emotional affair which turned physical and he is now married to her.

    I would be very, very wary of this dynamic, OP. I think you need to have a serious sit-down with both of them. Separately, obvs. Don't accuse them of anything, just lay out that it's making you uncomfortable and at the very least it's disrespectful and inappropriate.

    I'm so sorry that happened to you. That must have been so awful.
    It is exactly this that's in the back of mind when I tell myself "get over it, they're friends." It just feels off to me. And the potential for the emotional connection actually scares me more than anything physical. That probably sounds mad..


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    #31
    Springfields
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭Springfields


    Don't ignore your gut feeling
    . They are usually right..
    Doesn't sit well with me either..
    Go in on your weekend away ..try rekindle the spark..enjoy time alone..
    Suggest leaving phones off for the duration and.judge the reaction yourself. If you return and she makes some remark about messages during that time then if be having a serious conversation with him.


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