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My first love dumped me 4 years ago...I still get sad over her. Will this ever stop?

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  • 16-08-2016 10:08pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I thought i was passed this stage but apparently not. It started earlier when i decided to turn on an old computer of mine. There was lots of pictures of me and hand my ex together looking happy. Feeling a sense of nostalgia, I decided to look her up on facebook. Nosing on her profile is something that plagued me for the for the 1st year after we broke up. Since then, I've only done it sporadically though.

    Anyway, I scrolled to the bottom of her profile as in extremely old status updates. Nearly every status from 2010 when we were together was about me and how she loved me and trivial stuff like what we were planning for the day or weekend. This set me off and I was in floods of tears within minutes. She was my first girlfriend, first love, first everything. It's incredible that after 4 years apart, I can still feel these kinds of emotions about things.

    I'm now 25 years old and I didn't react the way most people would after a breakup. I didn't go out on loads of dates -- I've been on about 4 dates since we broke up. I've only slept with 2 other people in that space of time. I am an only child and have always felt a sense of loneliness until I met her. She provided the missing piece to my life.

    I'm just looking for some advice -- why is this happening 4 years later still? I should've completely forgotten her by now, but even when she's not at the forefront of my thoughts, she lingers close to my mind.

    The most bizarre thing is that we haven't spoken a word to each other in 4 years. She dumped me by text after a 3.5-year relationship and it shattered me. I thought I deserved better. We fought a lot towards the end and hadn't slept together in months. But all I can think of is the good stuff. I'm genuinely concerned that I won't find it again.

    The breakup benefited me in numerous ways. I actually started to make friends in college, even tho it was final year. I then went travelling on my own around Asia for 2 months and have returned numerous times. I learned how to play the guitar and I got myself my ideal job. But my brain is always thinking that none of this is worthwhile when I'm still a lonely guy who'll never experience the kind of connection i had with her again. any advice on what ive said here would be greatly appreciated. thanks


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    #2
    BetsyEllen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    I'm very sorry for you OP - heartbreak is a horrible thing to go through, in fact 'horrible' is barely scratching the surface.
    I had my heart broken by the love of my life earlier this year and I'm still struggling very much.
    I've only had a few months though, the thoughts of feeling this way in 4 years saddens me :(

    I think that our first loves always stay with us in some way. Mine was when I was 16 and I still think of him now and again - not with sadness though, just fond memories.

    You say you've only been on 4 dates - that's fine, the dating scene is a scary thing and I don't personally enjoy it.
    However would you maybe put more of an effort into meeting someone new?
    Going travelling alone sounds great and is a fantastic experience to have but it's hardly surprising that it can bring on feelings of loneliness.


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    #3
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    OP, it sounds like you've been doing all the right things in terms of traveling, being independent, and improving yourself rather than wallowing.

    That said, you really need to knock the social media stalking on the head once and for all. This is the emotional equivilant of picking a scab.

    While I'm sure you really loved this girl, there is no such thing as "the one". Its nothing but a Hollywood construct, and just not at all plausible when you actually thing about it. You absolutely will meet someone new in time, and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good if not better.

    I can say all this because I was heartbroken when my first relationship ended, and although I wasnt necessarily crying for years, it did take me a long time to truely connect with anyone else. But eventually I did and we're very happy. Your first love is always extra hard to get over.


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    #4
    KikiDee
    Registered Users Posts: 1,052 ✭✭✭KikiDee


    Hey OP,

    I'm sorry you're being dragged through the coals on this. Like Betsy, I had my share of heart break at the start of this year and am saddened to think that you're feeling the way I felt up to very recently.
    stillnotoverher16 wrote: »

    I'm just looking for some advice -- why is this happening 4 years later still? I should've completely forgotten her by now, but even when she's not at the forefront of my thoughts, she lingers close to my mind.

    Not to diminish how you're feeling in anyway at all, do you think it could be that all of your memories were shoved in your face as such that it has caused you to feel this more so than any other period in the past 4 years?
    stillnotoverher16 wrote: »
    But my brain is always thinking that none of this is worthwhile when I'm still a lonely guy who'll never experience the kind of connection i had with her again. any advice on what ive said here would be greatly appreciated. thanks

    Are you upset that you think you won't find this again or that you miss her?

    I remember about 8 weeks after me and my ex split, my sister told me 'he's just not for you and you'll meet the right person'. I also remember at the time, wanting to smack her one! But speaking to other people and seeing people's posts about finding love again, I realised she was right. Even though you don't feel it now, you'll love again. And you may possibly feel this way about another girl and you'll get over that too. Our first loves always leave a scar but that fades. Perhaps seeing all of your memories just opened the scar a little?


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey OP, been there, to a degree anyhow. I've had weeks where it has seemed like my only thought was of the ex. It is a hard place to be but I think you're not just missing her, you're missing the feeling that goes with having a close connection with another person. You aren't just lonely for her, you're lonely full stop.

    I tend to believe in the Jungian philosophy that all of us have an certain innate sense of loss, for some people it's bigger and some people it's smaller but everyone has some feeling of it. Jung believed it went back to your earliest childhood memories and experiences. When you met your ex, you met someone who minimised the innate sense of loss you feel to it's lowest level. You will meet someone else who can do the same, if you give yourself a chance to. The thing is, to do that, you have to be willing to meet new people and you aren't giving yourself that chance. Try and meet someone and don't compare her to your ex, but try to see her who she is in herself. No one can compare to an idealised person. You know, deep down, things with your ex had run their course but you still miss that connection.

    That being said, I don't think men (particularly) "get over things", I think we learn to live with them, and we adapt to them, imo. Some part of you will always be glad of the good times you shared with your ex, and why wouldn't you, they were good times, but right now you have to think about creating new good times with someone else. Even on the best of days with your ex there was probably things, if you could recall those days accurately, that you would change.

    Also remember that Facebook isn't real life. your ex isn't posting photos of days when she'd had a lousy time at work, and nothing went right and she just wanted to stay in bed. No one is 100% happy all the time, and no one's life is perfect, you just need to work on making the best of your life and try to make as many real connections as you can.

    We all have a tendency to idealise the past but don't fall into the trap of idealising it to the extent that you forget the really great days are still in your future.


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    #6
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    OP I feel for you. You're probably lonely and even by your own post you seem to know you're looking at this through rose-tinted glasses and wilfully ignoring the quite clear bad parts that led to this relationship ending.

    When we're in our first relationship, we tend to attach all feelings of love and security towards that person and thus, when it ends, we feel that they were the only person who could provide that for us. We don't see that other people can make us happier than they did. But that's the truth.

    The person you loved doesn't exist anymore. It's been 4 years, she's not the same person she was. You're missing the intimacy and love you got from her and assuming she's the only person who can give you that. But the truth here is that she's irrelevant, she's just who you're attaching these feelings to because she's been the only one to give them to you. Listen to your feelings while realising the reality of the situation: it's over, she's gone, she's not the same person she was then, but there are other people, and you want that feeling back.

    Make some meaningful steps to move on. Delete her from social media, that's not helping. Get rid of all reminders and keepsakes of her you may have. These are all normal stages to go through after a break-up, so it's time to let go and go through with it. Then start your new life with all of this in mind and start the journey of finding someone else who will give you these feelings. I wish you well.


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