She wants commitment-engagement-marriage-kids...I am not there yet...any advice?

Arequipa · 16-08-2016 12:57pm #1

Hi! Long story short.. I met a lovely girl after Christmas..We have dated since then, gone on a few weekends away and are just back from a holiday.
She is kind, affectionate, pretty and fun.
We click well and get on really well and have good chemistry.
The problems are; I battle quite bad ocd and generalised anxiety..I get cbt support, take meds and do all i can to get through my day...but it is really tough. It means that I have found relationships, emotions, feelings really stressful and difficult.
She has made it clear that she is looking for a serious relationship moving onto marriage and kids; this is dream of hers for a long time.
I cannot even envisage this and in some ways enjoy my batchelor life, freedom, travel and sports..
A few weeks ago, she said that she loved me and I was a bit surprised, but thought it was lovely...I didn't quite feel the same..i think..
A few days later I had a strong urge to tell her where i stood...I said that i really liked her...liked spending time with her...but marriage and kids were still way off my radar...
To be honest...I don't necessarily want the standard life of settling down...
She was upset and since then we have been having lots of intense talks..these are really tiring and wear me out, as I have battles every day..my ocd and anxiety get worse in relationships and in times like these..
So we are having a wee time out and bona clear out heads..

Any of you relate to this?

16-08-2016 1:49pm

Arequipa wrote: »

Hi! Long story short.. I met a lovely girl after Christmas..We have dated since then, gone on a few weekends away and are just back from a holiday.
She is kind, affectionate, pretty and fun.
We click well and get on really well and have good chemistry.
The problems are; I battle quite bad ocd and generalised anxiety..I get cbt support, take meds and do all i can to get through my day...but it is really tough. It means that I have found relationships, emotions, feelings really stressful and difficult.
She has made it clear that she is looking for a serious relationship moving onto marriage and kids; this is dream of hers for a long time.
I cannot even envisage this and in some ways enjoy my batchelor life, freedom, travel and sports..
A few weeks ago, she said that she loved me and I was a bit surprised, but thought it was lovely...I didn't quite feel the same..i think..
A few days later I had a strong urge to tell her where i stood...I said that i really liked her...liked spending time with her...but marriage and kids were still way off my radar...
To be honest...I don't necessarily want the standard life of settling down...
She was upset and since then we have been having lots of intense talks..these are really tiring and wear me out, as I have battles every day..my ocd and anxiety get worse in relationships and in times like these..
So we are having a wee time out and bona clear out heads..

Any of you relate to this?

She's in love with you, you're not in love with her.

She wants a serious relationship with a view to marriage and kids, you don't.

Forget the "intense talks", it seems clear that you need to break up with her. Of course she'll be upset but in the long run you'll be doing her a favour.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-08-2016 1:54pm

What age is your girlfriend? Is she in her thirties and hearing the loud tick of her biological clock?

I get a sense that this is a relationship that's going too fast for your liking. You're only an item for about 8 months and already you're going on weekends away and holidays. That for some people would be too much too soon. You're entitled to feel how you feel and she's not being very fair to you. Talk of marriage and babies would scare the hell out of many people, not just those who have anxiety issues. She doesn't appear to be paying any heed to your anxiety issues either or respecting your wishes either. This smacks of a woman who has snagged a man and now wants to steamroll ahead with what she wants.

The only advice I can give you is to stick to your guns. Maybe this is your gut telling you that this relationship isn't right for you? Badgering you into giving her what she wants isn't a good sign for the future. Neither is her getting angry because you're not proceeding at the breakneck speed she is .

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 3:41pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What age is your girlfriend? Is she in her thirties and hearing the loud tick of her biological clock?

I get a sense that this is a relationship that's going too fast for your liking. You're only an item for about 8 months and already you're going on weekends away and holidays. That for some people would be too much too soon. You're entitled to feel how you feel and she's not being very fair to you. Talk of marriage and babies would scare the hell out of many people, not just those who have anxiety issues. She doesn't appear to be paying any heed to your anxiety issues either or respecting your wishes either. This smacks of a woman who has snagged a man and now wants to steamroll ahead with what she wants.

The only advice I can give you is to stick to your guns. Maybe this is your gut telling you that this relationship isn't right for you? Badgering you into giving her what she wants isn't a good sign for the future. Neither is her getting angry because you're not proceeding at the breakneck speed she is .

I think you're being a little unfair on the OP's girlfriend - they want different things and that happens, theres no need to vilify her as some sort of man trap!

Isnt it better for them both that they find out now so that she can find someone who wants the same future as her. No one is in the wrong here from what I can see, they're just not suited.

FWIW, if they are in their 30s, then theres nothing unusual in going away on weekend breaks of having a holiday after 8 months. The OP didnt say he was dragged away on any of these trips or that he didnt enjoy himself. Relationships can move fast at that age.

intheclouds · 16-08-2016 4:47pm

Id hardly call being frank with each other about the type of future you want and going on trips away after 8 months breakneck speed!!!

Women have a limited window of fertility. They cant be wasting time if the guy is not on the same page as them.

But I do not understand why the OP would go out with someone for 8 months if he feels that he doesnt want a standard life of settling down?

If you dont want to settle down then dont have long relationships which naturally cause the other person to think ye are heading toward settling down!

Really you should be honest about this from the very beginning with someone, then they can decide whether or not they want to just have a casual relationship or a short one or whatever. Its very unfair to go out with someone for 8 months and THEN tell them that you dont want a standard life of settling down, thats just deceptive.

Arequipa · 16-08-2016 4:50pm

Hi! Thanks for the replies.
She is in her mid-30's...
I have been in a few relationships over the years...they have last up to 7-8 months max...I have enjoyed some of it, but also find them quite stressful and emotionally draining..
I have found my ocd stuff gets worse in a more serious relationship,,,
This makes it harder for me,,,
but i have given this a go..been very honest and open..
In some ways, i am a bit set in my ways, but also love a lot about my life..

She has her own issues..insecurities...fear of rejection...she is quite spiritual and into yoga etc..so she talks a lot about things happening for a reason amazing connection, i have never opened up to anyone so much..i have never been so vulnerable etc..
The flip side of this was, the more she opened up...the more my anxiety and ocd acted up...and i kinda felt i had to let her know where i stood...
I just don't want any pressure at all as i think my life is tough enough..
But i don't want to in any way hurt or string her along...

We have had a lot of these intense talks..we both end up shattered!

I wish we could even just be pals, without the pressure of relationship stuff...
but i think that is rarely possible..

Thank you for the feedback...

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 4:57pm

OP, you need to call time on this relationship before she gets more invested in you.

You don't seem cut out to be someones life partner and thats ok. Knowingly wasting someones time (especially since they've said they want kids) is not. Shes in her mid 30's already, so her window to meet someone, marry and have a child is already quite narrow.

I'm sure it will be painful in the short term but much better than the alternative.

intheclouds · 16-08-2016 5:09pm

Arequipa wrote: »

I just don't want any pressure at all as i think my life is tough enough..
But i don't want to in any way hurt or string her along...

If you are not cut out for relationships that are longer than 7-8 months thats ok - but you need to be clear about that upfront or you WILL be stringing people along.

In fertility terms an 8 month relationship wastes about a year and a half of a womans fertility because obviously after break up it takes time to meet someone new, get into a serious relationship, talk about kids etc...

So for a woman in her mid 30s, this time is too valuable to waste if she wants kids. Already at 35 a womans chances of conceiving a healthy child are going down each year. To be even trying for a first child after 35 can be difficult.

Arequipa · 16-08-2016 8:33pm

Thank u for the replies..
She said if i could work on myself, she is happy to go on...
I have feelings for her...find her very attractive, but don't think i am in love with her..
With my ocd and anxiety it is hard to fall for someone ..
A part of me thinks maybe if i really try and let myself go... i might fall for her and give her what she wants...
I worry that it might be difficult to find such a sexy,kind and affectionate woman..

But at the same time, I feel very tired and drained emotionally..
I find the to and fro of relationships really hard..
Sorry for the confusing post...but its where i am at..

December2012 · 16-08-2016 9:16pm

It's okay

You're at a different stage than she. It shouldn't be work at this stage.

And your health is vital. So don't compromise in your health.

I think you don't love her, but you like her.

It is fairer to you both to end things now. And that's ok.

irishgirl19 · 16-08-2016 9:38pm

Arequipa wrote:

I wish we could even just be pals, without the pressure of relationship stuff... but i think that is rarely possible..

I think this says it all really. You need to decide if you even want to be with this woman

Arequipa · 16-08-2016 9:58pm

Thank you for the replies..
I have never been able to make a relationship last...
I thought maybe this one could be different, but unfortunately it gets really tough for me,,,
It kinda makes me sad that i am not able to make a relationship last...Saying that I am proud of how far I have gotten in life... as many people with my mental health battles end up in hospital ...

I am trying to strike a balance between pushing myself and experiencing all that life offers, but I often have to retreat back into a comfortable, but quite controlled and safe life...

I do agree with you though that I should end this as a romantic relationship ,,, at the least as a favour to this girl, who i don't want to hurt and don't want to string along...
To be fair, I have been 100% honest with her since the beginning,,,

Do women sometimes think they can fix a guy? ie in terms of his health and happiness...

Big Bag of Chips · 16-08-2016 10:05pm

Arequipa wrote: »

She said if i could work on myself, she is happy to go on...

= I'm willing to wait until you change your mind. Because you WILL change your mind, won't you?

To continue this relationship now would be incredibly unfair on her. I think you were very fair to her pointing out that you're not "there yet". Are they the words you used, because if they were, then that is why she is saying she'll happily go on if you work on yourself. If you are adamant you don't ever want children and marriage and all that other stuff then you have to be clear about that. She wouldn't be the first woman to ignore what a man says and carry on for years believing he'll eventually change his mind. Only to end up very disappointed to find out that he never wanted kids.

You are going to have to be the strong one here and tell her you are not going to change your mind. No ambiguity. And you can not let her stay with you in the hope that you "could work on yourself". It won't be easy, but it needs to be done.

MissFlitworth · 16-08-2016 10:07pm

Arequipa wrote: »

Do women sometimes think they can fix a guy? ie in terms of his health and happiness...

Sure. But also hearing about mental health issues and thinking you understand them and what they'll mean for your fledgling relationship can be very different to the reality of being in a relationship affected by them. She might truly not have understood what things would be like, no matter how honest you were, hearing it and experiencing it are so different.

You're not wrong to look after yourself here but it does sound like you need to let go. Both to be fair to her and so that you can be fair to yourself.

Arequipa · 16-08-2016 10:32pm

I know what you mean.
i suppose we are all optimistic in nature and hope for the best...
The scary thing is, that time waits for no man or woman...
I think she has her battles too...and thinks the together we can support each other...

She had a long relationship which didn't work out and she thought was a waste of time...so she has really thrown herself into our relationship...showering me with incredible affection, love and also being very vulnerable..
As i said before, she feels she has been rejected by a few men in her life and this will make her fear that this will happen again and she will look at what it was about her that messed this up...when on paper we are both lovely, have great chemistry and click..
I have never been such a gentleman to a girlfriend before & been so open and understanding..
So it will be hard to give this up ...but as u guys said...u have to do the right thing..

Eimee90 · 17-08-2016 1:58am

Arequipa wrote:

Do women sometimes think they can fix a guy? ie in terms of his health and happiness...

No, and I don't think she does, she wants you her boyfriend to confirm after 8 months if this is going anywhere. In theory her doubts are spot on to be fair. You need to end this. You just said you wish you could be platonic friends, pals basically.

Arequipa · 17-08-2016 4:57pm

Thanks for the replies...
I think i know my answer now...
I feel sad & wonder will i ever last in a relationship...

Any ideas about how to get over the saddness & loneliness?

Paddy Cow · 19-08-2016 11:14am

Arequipa wrote: »

Thanks for the replies...
I think i know my answer now...
I feel sad & wonder will i ever last in a relationship...

Any ideas about how to get over the saddness & loneliness?

Have you seen a counsellor for your anxiety? Emotional intimacy seems to be a stumbling block for you but you can learn how to deal with it. You are not adamant that you don't want marriage and kids, so maybe you just need to learn coping skills to make these things happen.

You will never have a full filling relationship unless you learn to open up emotionally and a counsellor can be great with this. We all need help from time to time and a counsellor can be great because they have no expectations of you and just want to help you achieve your goals so it can be easier to talk to them about things without feeling overwhelmed.

Ms Doubtfire1 · 19-08-2016 11:46am

Arequipa wrote: »

Thanks for the replies...
I think i know my answer now...
I feel sad & wonder will i ever last in a relationship...

Any ideas about how to get over the saddness & loneliness?

That really depends on your - and the other persons involved - definition of relationship.I have no idea how old you are (mid 30s,early forties maybe?
here's my 2 pence:

Find out what you want - what you really want and can handle inside your own head.Once that is fixed and you are happy whit that, set out to find someone with the same desire. Looking at you're usual habbits of a relationship not lasting any longer than 7-8 month would imply that you just can't commit.
Look for the same.Only thing I would add is it's going to be hard to find that in your age group. Most women want children and a family.You might have to expand your horizon.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2016 12:16pm

This thread has really opened my eyes.

I have been on the receiving end of this recently (am female).

He basically is not ready for anything (has emotional issues). He suggested we be friends. Tried for about 2 weeks. Wrecked my head. We got on so well (exactly like you and this girl). We are no longer in contact now. It is for the best. Who knows a friendship for the future. But, I definitely needed space. I felt a bit used/manipulated TBH

He used language such as "I cant offer anything to you now" (what I heard was "then sometime, I will". The wishful part of your brain takes over. Gave myself false hope really. So, youve to be very clear in what you are saying. That does actually help her in the long term (if you care about her).

The guy I was seeing said if I'd any questions, to contact him. Fell into that trap too. And really all I got anyways were "I dont knows".

What I couldnt understand was how he couldnt work in his things, and also have me in his life. Really struggled to get my head around that. But reading your post has even given me some clarity.

I wouldnt ask or suggest to be friends, right now. And I would make it clear that as far as you can see into the future, you do not see anything.

Arequipa · 19-08-2016 12:23pm

Thank you for the replies...
I have told her exactly where i am at...
She listened & said she would still like me in her life, even as a friend..
I could do this.. But i dont know if its fair on her..

I have feelings for her & have felt sad the last few days...
But the problem i have us that with my anxiety & ocd.. It can dominate my emotions & how i feel...
I really work hard to manage it.. But it probably stops me from really falling..
I do find relationships.. When they get more serious, really draining & tiring..
But i am trying really hard to push through my issues & just see what happens..
Just see if I could have a relationship & a partner...

Over the last few months i have tended to bring up these intense conversations, probably as a reaction to her getting more affectionate etc.. Like i cant help myself putting on the brakes a bit.. & then she reacts with upset, annoyance & saddness...
It is like i need to let go of all my issues.. But i cant really as they are still a daily struggle for me...
This is why i can see nice things about a relationship & even a family... But because i find life tough.. I cant really look ahead that far.. Sounds like an excuse.. But it really isnt...

Then i see the freedom i have in my batchelor life.. To travel, play sport, go & do what i want & i do really enjoy this...
But i also see the benefits of a steady girlfriend or partner..
I just wish the heavy issues if moving in---marriage--kids had to come into it...

Sorry for my rambling... This is where i am at!

batmanrobin · 19-08-2016 2:04pm

OP, no healthy relationship requires you to lose who you are i.e. You can still do the things you did before (obviously not to the extreme and you have to factor someone else in), but life doesn't suddenly stop. It shouldn't at any rate. I only say this as you seem really focussed on the freedom aspect.

In relation to her "let's be friends" suggestion, I'd wager she said this because she hopes if she hangs around you'll change your mind. In the long run this will only hurt her.

I would advise telling her that you can't be friends as you need to sort out your head. Sorry, but staying friends will be a form of stringing her along (even if you don't mean to) as she'll basically be waiting for you to be ready. Don't do this to her and don't allow her to do it to herself.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2016 3:43pm

Hi OP, from what ive read here it looks like you are much more concerned with your own feelings than the feelings of all of these people you have had these relationships with. It also seems that you are trying to 'push through' your inability to open up and let yourself go by getting into relationships (any relationships) and trying to force it to work and go the distance. Being absolutely honest here, if you truly love someone then being with them won't be a chore / draining. I think what you are doing is getting into relationships with people you are not in love with and expecting / trying to force it to happen further down the line, but generally if you don't feel excited / in love with the person initially then you probably never will. I would recommend delaying getting into relationships until you know that you love the person, otherwise what you have been doing so far has actually been (in my personal opinion) quite cruel to these people, who have feelings too. I think you should get to know a person and only get with them if and when you are sure about your feelings. It just kind of sounds like you haven't been in love yet? Just please please don't do what you have been doing to anyone else, i'm sure you had the best of intentions at the beginning, but when you do fall for someone you just know, you don't have to 'let yourself' fall, that kind of implies that your trying to feel something that you don't feel but want to feel? (Just my two cents)

Arequipa · 19-08-2016 10:36pm

Thanks for the replies..
Hold your horses, I see your point, but i don't 100% agree..
I have developed feelings for this and previous girlfriends,,
But I just find it hard to get to the next stage...
I am focussed on how I feel, but I am also concerned about this girl too...That is why I have spoken so openly with her at all stages over the 6 months we have been dating..
I suppose I am just looking for that big romance...but I don't feel I am using this girl or being unfair to her..
Nothing ventured nothing gained and no relationship or person is the same..

But I agree that from this point on,,, I have to take the focus off myself and think of this girl's future and her happiness...
I understand that 100%..

LegacyUser · 20-08-2016 10:06am

Ah yeah I do understand where you are coming from, looking for the Big Romance / Something Special , but I suppose what I mean is that for some of these women maybe for them that was you, maybe they felt Something Special for you, even though you didn't feel it, and then you leave them. I suppose what I'm saying is can you imagine if someone did that to you? Oftentimes in relationships one person is into it, and the other is not, but the first person has no idea as cannot understand why second person is with them if no love. Sounds very idealistic, I know, but im just trying to show you the scenario from the perspective of the other person. I mean I am also looking for something special but want to be absolutely sure that its mutual from now on to avoid being on the other side of this scenario again. I think people never really understand until it happens to them, where you were in love with someone, going out with them, and turns out other person never felt the same way. You feel so used. The only other advice I can give you is if you do fall in love one day, bear in mind that the person might be doing with you what you have been doing with others. Hopefully not, but it does seem to happen a lot, so be careful out there. Sorry this is so long, but im on my way out the door so writing this in a hurry, no time for edit Best of luck, whatever you do. Also sorry my post are bit preachy, im genuinely just trying to stop other people from getting hurt as i know what its like, its not coming from badness

She wants commitment-engagement-marriage-kids...I am not there yet...any advice?

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