Woman I fancy, what to do?

zcorpian88 · 24-08-2016 7:19pm #1

Ok guys there is this woman, she's a friend of a friend, added me on Facebook about 2 and half years ago, think she added me because we shared conversations with this mutual friend (who I never see also) on Facebook. I at the time was in a committed relationship, but did think this girl was attractive at the time. But we just had the odd bit of banter online and it stayed that way really.

Anyway that relationship I was in ended, I was single for a year and I met someone else, dated her for 6 months, and I ended it last week, just wasn't working out and long story short, her and I were too different.

Anyway over the course of this year, the messages between this "friend of a friend" and me have been getting more friendly and more frequent and sometimes even flirty. We've never hung out, but she lives in a village a few miles from me. Always thought she was very attractive, smart and quirky and a laugh in general.

I've asked her at the weekend if she was ever in town, she could give me a PM and we'll grab a hot chocolate or something. She said she might be in town Tuesday or Wednesday with her mam, she did message me yesterday and said "I didn't get into town today" and she didn't manage it today either, well she didn't message me anyway, she doesn't drive yet. I'm not on the road either, due to the expense really.

I'm kind of mad for a hangout/date with this one (maybe I'm reading too much into it because of the frequent nature of our messages) she was kind of there for me over the death of a family member a few months ago and always messaged me to see how I was, and she helped out and thought to share a Facebook post every day, more than anyone else when a family pet of mine went missing. (We got the pet back)

I would tell her "I think I fancy her" but like we've never met in person, so that would probably give her the creeps, don't want to scare her off. Guess I should just wait it out until she's available to come in?

s4uv3 · 24-08-2016 7:26pm

Yep, exactly that. Make sure she knows you'd really like to meet and take it from there. You have no way of knowing if there's a spark until ye're face to face.

And a word of advice, if you do end up seeing this girl, don't flirt with other girls online at the same time, it ain't nice

zoobizoo · 24-08-2016 7:28pm

You're being too vague wirh her.

Be direct:

"Listen, you want to meet up Saturday for a drink?".......

zcorpian88 · 24-08-2016 7:31pm

s4uv3 wrote: »

Yep, exactly that. Make sure she knows you'd really like to meet and take it from there. You have no way of knowin if there's a spark until ye're face to face.

And a word of advice, if you do end up seeing this girl, don't flirt with other girls online at the same time, it ain't nice

Thanks.

Yeah I've honestly never flirted with anyone while seeing someone else, it was really weird for me, it's unlike me really, but at the time I was in a long process of wanting to finish it with the one I was seeing, had to find the right time sort of.

zcorpian88 · 24-08-2016 7:34pm

zoobizoo wrote: »

You're being too vague wirh her.

Be direct:

"Listen, you want to meet up Saturday for a drink?".......

Yeah I was thinking the same thing, but the fact she doesn't drive f**ks it up kind of. She doesn't drive and I can drive, just can't afford to drive.

There is a bus to where she lives, no idea how frequent it is. Can't even check how frequent it is anywhere. I think if she does go anywhere her Mother is involved in the trip.

Anyway, I appreciated the advice, basically you're saying "Be more forward" I know a lot of women that don't like a guy that's too forward. Feck it, I'll chance my arm.

Edit: Found that route for a possible bus, it's frequent enough actually, goes from 10am to 6.30. Need to get a car badly...

Penny Tration · 24-08-2016 7:57pm

Op, generally I'd say to ask her out on a date directly.

However - don't do it.

You're not over your ex, and you know full well you're not, as do most regular posters here. You also only just left another relationship.

Stay single and look into therapy to get over your ex.

batmanrobin · 24-08-2016 8:02pm

Penny Tration wrote: »

Op, generally I'd say to ask her out on a date directly.

However - don't do it.

You're not over your ex, and you know full well you're not, as do most regular posters here. You also only just left another relationship.

Stay single and look into therapy to get over your ex.

Second this! Do try to get over your ex first.

njs030 · 24-08-2016 8:33pm

batmanrobin wrote: »

Second this! Do try to get over your ex first.

Third this. Having read your many, many threads/rants about your ex and the poor girl you basically used to get over her and made the most horrible comments about I really think you need to stay away from women for a while until your head is straight.
You can't have been single for more than a few weeks at this stage and you're already starting threads about another one? Op it's concerning you can't make these decisionswithout input from boards.

Is this friend of a friend the same girl you posted about who was on a night out with you and a friend where you all laughed at your then girlfriend and her family?

zcorpian88 · 24-08-2016 8:43pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

Is this friend of a friend the same girl you posted about who was on a night out with you and a friend where you all laughed at your then girlfriend and her family?

No it's not, and I wasn't laughing at that situation, my friend let it slip after I told him that information (weird story) what I thought to be in confidence, but I didn't exactly tell him outright to keep that one to himself. He let it slip and my friend and the female friend laughed while I was there embarrassed about it. They weren't laughing at her family, it was an embarrassing comment the g/f's mother made toward me on our first meeting.

No I'm not that into her this person you're talking about anymore, well she's ok and pretty and stuff but I know she is quite a commitment phobe, I found out that in conversation much later, she more or less told me that any relationship she gets herself in lasts between 3 and 9 weeks and she always ends it, any guy she does end up with is always a pretentious full of himself tool anyway to be honest, some of which expect her to pick up the bill on dates and whatnot, she gave me the spiel about it before. Don't know where she finds these plonkers.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-08-2016 8:50pm

I think people are being a little bit harsh because of your past posts. Maybe you're not over your ex, and you got into a very bad relationship that certainly didn't do much to help you get over her. There's nothing to say that if you start seeing somebody nice and 'normal' and stable and the relationship progresses as it should at a nice, 'normal', steady pace that it wouldn't help you get over ex. I know lots of people who went from relationship to relationship with little break and eventually settled with one! Very happily settled down with, not just "settled"!!

But learn from your mistakes. And whatever you do, do not bad mouth past girlfriends. Especially not your last one! I don't think you could help yourself if you got started and you would be the only one who comes out of it looking bad!

Have you any friends that you could get a lift with. Try arrange that you and a few friends go to her town to meet her and a few friends? Just make sure the friends aren't wittier and prettier than you! You might end up losing her to one of them

zcorpian88 · 24-08-2016 9:15pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think people are being a little bit harsh because of your past posts. Maybe you're not over your ex, and you got into a very bad relationship that certainly didn't do much to help you get over her. There's nothing to say that if you start seeing somebody nice and 'normal' and stable and the relationship progresses as it should at a nice, 'normal', steady pace that it wouldn't help you get over ex. I know lots of people who went from relationship to relationship with little break and eventually settled with one! Very happily settled down with, not just "settled"!!

But learn from your mistakes. And whatever you do, do not bad mouth past girlfriends. Especially not your last one! I don't think you could help yourself if you got started and you would be the only one who comes out of it looking bad!

Have you any friends that you could get a lift with. Try arrange that you and a few friends go to her town to meet her and a few friends? Just make sure the friends aren't wittier and prettier than you! You might end up losing her to one of them

Thanks Big Bag of Chips,

I'm as over my ex as I'm going to be, yeah I'm going to be sour about it because of the situation I got landed in and I could do nothing to fix it and feel hard done by because of how much of myself I invested in it but I've spilled enough stuff on here over it. I don't see how going to some therapist will fix it either. What I did to help me get over it was join a gym and make myself that bit busier with other activities I enjoy and it helped on some level, but when I'm idle, the mind drifts back. I can't be busy 24 hours a day can I? I'm taking each day as it comes but I don't feel I was wrong for ending it, but it does piss me off that I was made end it. But going on about it again in my usual bitter detail is only going to make me sound like a broken record.

Anyway..

It's so early to tell about this woman I have this thing for, right now I just fancy a coffee with her, but getting her to come in is the problem, I haven't even got her phone number, all our talking is done on FB messenger and she's barely been online tonight, I'd be lucky to have her online for 2 hours in the evening time the last couple of nights. Actually the last 2 nights like I'd reply to whatever message she sent me and she wouldn't reply for hours and hours, then it would come up she saw the message and reply, then I'd reply again and it's hours and hours again. No idea is it her wi-fi or data or what. A few weeks ago the messages were very frequent. She'd still message every day but hours are going by before she'd see the message I replied with and reply herself.

I sort of know the town she is from, like any other Irish village, probably next to nothing in it, I live on the outskirts of a city, so I'd like to do something with her here, then all going well, we'll go bigger with my friends and hers. I only have like one solid friend that has a car, the rest of us haven't a pot to piss in to afford a car with the rocketing insurance costs.

Ha...wittier and prettier...I have some witty friends alright. As for prettyness, I think we're all pretty average, myself included.

GingerLily · 24-08-2016 10:27pm

I think you need a therapist; boards is not equipped for your level of relationship issues. You must know this by know as you start multiple threads about every women in your life

njs030 · 24-08-2016 11:01pm

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Thanks Big Bag of Chips,

I'm as over my ex as I'm going to be, yeah I'm going to be sour about it because of the situation I got landed in and I could do nothing to fix it and feel hard done by because of how much of myself I invested in it but I've spilled enough stuff on here over it. I don't see how going to some therapist will fix it either. What I did to help me get over it was join a gym and make myself that bit busier with other activities I enjoy and it helped on some level, but when I'm idle, the mind drifts back. I can't be busy 24 hours a day can I? I'm taking each day as it comes but I don't feel I was wrong for ending it, but it does piss me off that I was made end it. But going on about it again in my usual bitter detail is only going to make me sound like a broken record

You're still annoyed by it, still thinking about it = your not over it.
Going to "some therapist" will help you work through it and solve it as you don't seen to be able to make very small decisions.

Even something as small as asking someone out has a weird and obsessive level of detail attached to it.

retro:electro · 24-08-2016 11:41pm

You're the guy who wrote a scathing attack on your now ex girlfriend a few weeks ago right? About how all her family were scumbags? Your words not mine. Hmm. Well, for all her "faults" I bet she didn't flirt with other people while she was in a relationship with you, now that really is scumbaggy behavour. Ya I'd second what others are saying, another relationship is not what you need.

zcorpian88 · 25-08-2016 12:10am

anna080 wrote: »

You're the guy who wrote a scathing attack on your now ex girlfriend a few weeks ago right? About how all her family were scumbags? Your words not mine. Hmm. Well, for all her "faults" I bet she didn't flirt with other people while she was in a relationship with you, now that really is scumbaggy behavour. Ya I'd second what others are saying, another relationship is not what you need.

Did not say they were scumbags, I did say they were a bit unhinged and they row a lot which was really off putting, among other things. She has flirted with guys actually but not on a level where it would have got under my skin.

And look, I never flirted with other women when I was with the other ex, (the one that I wanted the long term future with) the thought never crossed my mind.

When I was with the one I ended it with last week, the other one, she started flirting with me in message format in or around mid June, I was a bit astounded by it, even thinking "yeah it's a bit wrong to flirt back" I'm not really the type that would have flirted with someone else if I was already with someone, I was planning on ending it already at that point, as her family were driving me mad, and I thought we were on different pages on a lot of things, I was just about to end it then she had plans made for her birthday (without telling me beforehand) and she wanted me involved in it, and she paid for certain things that involved me for that day. (I gave her the money back later) I didn't really have the heart to ruin her birthday so I stayed in it till the end of July and let the birthday pass, then I had work obligations and was flat out, couldn't get to see her, then I had a wedding in England I had to go to, went to the wedding and a few days after I got back I finally finished it.

I had to end it, it would have been a matter of time before we'd clash over something or I'd just snap at her family. They just rubbed me wrong, no decorum or filter at all, they'd say anything, no matter how inappropriate or offensive and I'll include posts on the internet too where my friends and family can read.... and they have a very entitled nature, social welfare wise.

retro:electro · 25-08-2016 12:32am

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Did not say they were scumbags, I did say they were a bit unhinged and they row a lot which was really off putting, among other things. She has flirted with guys actually but not on a level where it would have got under my skin.

And look, I never flirted with other women when I was with the other ex, (the one that I wanted the long term future with) the thought never crossed my mind.

When I was with the one I ended it with last week, the other one, she started flirting with me in message format in or around mid June, I was a bit astounded by it, even thinking "yeah it's a bit wrong to flirt back" I'm not really the type that would have flirted with someone else if I was already with someone, I was planning on ending it already at that point, as her family were driving me mad, and I thought we were on different pages on a lot of things, I was just about to end it then she had plans made for her birthday (without telling me beforehand) and she wanted me involved in it, and she paid for certain things that involved me for that day. (I gave her the money back later) I didn't really have the heart to ruin her birthday so I stayed in it till the end of July and let the birthday pass, then I had work obligations and was flat out, couldn't get to see her, then I had a wedding in England I had to go to, went to the wedding and a few days after I got back I finally finished it.

I had to end it, it would have been a matter of time before we'd clash over something or I'd just snap at her family. They just rubbed me wrong, no decorum or filter at all, they'd say anything, no matter how inappropriate or offensive and I'll include posts on the internet too where my friends and family can read.... and they have a very entitled nature, social welfare wise.

This is just another big long rant about your recent ex.

zcorpian88 · 25-08-2016 12:36am

anna080 wrote: »

This is just another big long rant about your recent ex.

Just wanted to point out that I did not use the word scumbags or whatever, to describe her family. I believe I used the word unhinged or dysfunctional maybe. Think I did call the ex's sister's boyfriend a skanger though, which he is.

retro:electro · 25-08-2016 12:42am

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Just wanted to point out that I did not use the word scumbags or whatever, to describe her family. I believe I used the word unhinged or dysfunctional maybe. Think I did call the ex's sister's boyfriend a skanger though, which he is.

You called the mother rough plenty of times. Anyway that's not the point or the issue at hand. You need to be by yourself for a while.

zcorpian88 · 25-08-2016 12:58am

anna080 wrote: »

You called the mother rough plenty of times. Anyway that's not the point or the issue at hand. You need to be by yourself for a while.

That is right, I did. God but you haven't met her, I like most people but the mother, I just couldn't take her, she's just very toxic, negative, not that encouraging, lazy, she was a batscase. If I stayed in it and if the g/f and I gelled better, there still would have been a day where I'd tear strips off her mother. I don't want to be in a 10 mile radius of her.

Thanks for the advise even if it was a harsh read. I'll stay on my own a little while, but like if this other person wants to start something I can't say I'll turn her down as I think she's great and we have a bit in common, I'd be a fool if I didn't give it a shot, not to sound like I'm looking sympathy but after an experience like...the infamous break up I posted about in the past, it took it's toll on me, I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself because I had to throw away something great who was one in a million and I didn't understand how a person can just change from "this kind of person" which I loved and was super into, then she goes completely cold and distant and all of a sudden it becomes stagnant in the now and stagnant for the future, which is hard to wrap your head around.

After that experience you'd wonder would you find the same kind of person ever again who you could relate to that much where it can actually go somewhere and nothing changes or goes sour out of nowhere.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-08-2016 12:59am

You very obviously have serious baggage from your ex - the one you cared about. You openly admit you're a changed man/sour over how that panned out. You got fed up of being single and you got with this latest ex even though you didn't appear to like or respect her. It's irrelevant what she or her family are like. You knew she wasn't your type almost straight away but you used her as a means of distraction because of your break up. Now you want another distraction to avoid being single to start seeing someone else even though you're barely single again.

I'm not the only person here who knows that when your username appears, just knows that it's going to be another rant about your exes. Especially PhD woman who's up on a pedastal so high she should be overlooking Rio De Janeiro. People aren't telling you to go for therapy for the craic. It's obvious to all of us that you are a seething mass of bitterness, resentment and anger. You are in no fit state to date anyone and the sooner you admit that, the better. What on earth do you have to offer any woman at the moment? You're damaged goods, bitter and emotionally unavailable. Besides, I doubt any woman would be able to live up to your exalted ex.

batmanrobin · 25-08-2016 9:41am

OP, I know you probably think we're all being too harsh, but when someone posts as consistently and in such detail as you have about an ex, then it's to be expected that the advice you'll get is to stay single and work on getting over that breakup.

You said you're pi*sed off that you were made to end it. If you were truly over her, I mean properly at peace with what had happened over her, then the only thing you'd be feeling is indifference.

I really don't think you're ready for another relationship. This new woman won't fix the past, you know. You'll still have all that baggage because you never worked on it and it'll affect every relationship until you do work on it.

Going to the gym and everything else are just distractions. You need to take some time (even if you don't go see a therapist) to be by yourself, allow yourself to really deal with and work through your feelings.

I've been there, I get it, heck I'm still there. But I've enough self awareness to know I need a year (at least) of being single to properly sort myself out. Carrying all that anger and upset gets real tiring. Better to heal and move forward properly.

Johngoose · 25-08-2016 9:52am

I'd take a step back from the situation. I'd say you need to cool off a bit regarding her.She had a chance to meet you and didn't.You have never met her face to face.You are reading too much into it in my opinion.If she is attractive,she is used to make attention and may actually crave it.I reckon you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.

squonk · 25-08-2016 12:17pm

Good point Johngoose!

OP, I didn't recognise the username at first but I was starting to wonder about the detailed posts about something that wasn't really getting off the ground and was only over Messenger anyway, and then I read further, saw some other posts and then the penny dropped.

You're only out of your last relationship 4 weeks maybe? What you did to your last girlfriend wasn't nice to read. You were so hurt after your breakup with Miss Perfect that you used your last girlfriend to not be single. That didn't end well and I fear we're back to the same thing here in this new girl. Take a step back here for a moment. You've not met her in person but say you're mad to meet up with her. Honestly that rings some warning bells for me. If you'd met up and had chemistry then I could understand your being mad to see her again but it's just been some chats over messenger which, by all accounts, is a fairly sporadic setup anyway.

Going to the gym is recommended round these parts for people who have had breakups and that's understandable as it gets you focused on something other than your ex. The unfortunate thing though is that if you have deeper problems, going to the gym can also act as a distraction to the point where you don't really face those problems and avoid fixing them. You're still bitter over your initial breakup, afraid of being alone and happy to delude yourself into getting with anybody else to avoid that scenario. You would probably benefit from therapy really. At the very least you need to spend a long while honestly confronting your issues and dealing with them.

Now isn't the time to start dating somebody new. Honestly OP I really don't want to be reading more intense posts about the shortcomings of the new girl here in 6 weeks time. It might sound harsh but this is the likely reality.

Finally, on a more practical note, you've friends with transport, you've found a bus, if you want to meet up with this girl then just go do it. Get a friggin taxi if that's what it takes but be prepared for the fact that she's just enjoying the attention. But, really, don't do any of this right now. Just, for the time being, concentrate on yourself and take time out.

Penny Tration · 25-08-2016 12:35pm

Just to point out for the people asking about when his last relationship ended, it was last week - so mere days ago.

Woman I fancy, what to do?

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