Abrupt end to long term relationship

LegacyUser · 16-08-2016 12:04pm #1

Im in a very dark place at the moment. Im hoping that someone on here will be able to provide clarity and some advice.

My boyfriend of four years dumped me over the weekend. I was completely blindsided. We are both in our mid twenties, just finished college, had secured jobs and were looking to find a place in Ireland for the next year. This was a future we both wanted and discussed. We were looking forward to travelling and seeing the world together. Now that future is gone without warning.

He had been thinking of dumping me since June and brought up issues that I wasn't aware existed. I want to be clear, that I never had any indications he was having doubts. He still told me he loved me, that he was happier than ever, looking forward to his future. He never attempted to communicate any problems with me.

The first was that he felt we want different things in the future. He said I want children, marriage, security and he didn't. I was shocked. I dont know what I want. Im young, my priorities in five years wont be the same as now. To be fair, he has reason to believe this but he never asked for clarity or discussed his fears that we want different things. The only thing i'm a 100 percent sure I want to do is travel and that is what he wants to do.

He felt we were not compatible. Which is a shock, he was with me for four years and always knew I like to plan things. But suddenly it was an issue. He brought up that I like hotels and he likes hostels which is just mind boggling to me. I don't love hotels and if he wanted to stay in hostels fine. He felt I always made decisions and he had no say. Again I was shocked, because I always consider him in any decision I make, heck I considered what he wanted more than what I wanted. I apologised that I made him feel like he had no say and I would definitely be more conscious of that in the future but he didnt want to hear it. Said he didnt want to change me. He also threw stuff in my face from the first year we were dating as more reasons to break up.

He refused to work on the relationship. He is 100% sure it is done. He said he both loves and doesnt love me. He didnt want to just talk a step back for a week and think about it when i'm not around 24/7. I feel so lost. I feel like he didnt even try and fix anything, he just gave up. I feel like our relationship meant very little as the first time he has doubts, its easier to end it, than try and work them out. He wants me gone from his life and admitted he is happy to not see or talk to me again. I feel used as he just went on a family holiday with me and my family paid for everything while we were all away. He dumped me the day after we got back. He had made up his mind before the holiday as he accidentally referred to me as a friend in front of a sibling. Was he just staying with me until after the holiday? Thats all the relationship meant in the end.

I'm torturing myself over what I did that drove him away. Every little thing I said over the past few months I'm regretting. I love him very much and I am so numb that he is gone from my life just like that. I feel like I will never find anyone like him, that I shared such a connection too, had so much in common with and who accepted all my flaws and insecurities. If he can walk out without trying after four years, then I dont know how no one else will.

Im so lost. I need some advice, perhaps someone can point out what I did wrong, how I could of fixed this. Thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to read my thoughts and comment.

squonk · 16-08-2016 2:36pm

Sorry to hear this OP. It's very difficult to deal with something like this coming just out of the blue. Don't beat yourself up too much. You did nothing wrong from what I've read. It can be hard to determine a full picture from a one sided mail but I think it's just a case where you naturally were headed in different directions. In the end though I think he wanted out and his reasons for this don't really sound like they stack up. They sound pretty clichéd actually and it's maybe the case that he couldn't really express this or really make sense of it himself.

There's nothing you've done wrong and of course you'll meet someone new. It mightn't seem like it right now but it will happen. Later, once the dust has settled you might even feel thankful that you are no longer with someone who bottles his thoughts up and then just acts on them without trying to deal with issues with you first. REally it sounds like things just came to a head for him and he acted. Communication is important and if he wasn't very communicative then it would have been a problem always for you both.

kylith · 16-08-2016 2:53pm

People often give reasons for break ups that don't necessarily hold water. This is because it's easier to say, and kinder to hear, 'We want different things' than the truth. The truth is generally just 'I don't want to go out with you any more'.

He doesn't want to go out with you, and he gave you some reasons because he thought you'd need/want reasons other than 'Just because'. Accept his decision and do your best to move on with your life

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 3:21pm

kylith wrote: »

People often give reasons for break ups that don't necessarily hold water. This is because it's easier to say, and kinder to hear, 'We want different things' than the truth. The truth is generally just 'I don't want to go out with you any more'.

+1

This is incredibly true. Your story reminded me so much of the breakup of my first relationship. I could have countered every excuse given, but in the end it doesnt matter, the simple truth is that that person is telling you that they just don't want to be with you anymore.

Looking for logic, or trying to change yourself is just going to drive you up the wall.

I know it seems hard (impossible) right now but the facts are that most college relationships don't go the distance. focus on yourself and cut all contact - its the only way you can heal.

Look after yourself OP.

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 3:24pm

Also, if he's been thinking about this since June, he's at least 2 months ahead of you in grieving this relationship. When the dumper blindsides the dumpee this is often the case. This is why "taking a step back" or whatever won't do any good. He's already over it.

DukeOfTheSharp · 16-08-2016 10:44pm

One thing is clear here OP: you're not to blame, at all.

Honestly it just sounds like you dodged a bullet; he was just making things up at that point, and you can't make a future with someone so delusional that they see things that aren't there, impose narratives on you that don't exist and generally make ridiculous assumptions without talking to you, all culminating in resentment that you're unaware of. You may feel lost now, but trust me, you're better off without someone who acts like this, these people tend to be incredibly immature, incapable of communicating and tend to just use as much as they can before they run. You loved him, he didn't love you and probably just liked having a GF. Take some time for yourself, and you'll eventually find someone who'll love you equally.

pookie82 · 17-08-2016 8:31am

I wonder is there anyone else involved? It sounds like he's literally a) invented reasons as to why you're not compatible to engineer a quick ending, or b) had all of these things tumbling around and around in his head and never once suggested trying to fix or address them before telling you it was over.

Amazingly, I've seen this happen before. Guys have broken up with friends of mine saying "you want x y and z and I don't", without the girl ever having expressed these desires. It's all based on assumption and unfortunately, they're so embedded there's little you can do to argue them at that point.

What he's listed about you (if it's even true) are mostly aspects that are "fixable", if you both wanted to try. It's common in relationships over time for one person to say "you do this a lot and I'd like it to change as it upsets me" and it does change, with effort.

Bottom line is he doesn't want to fix any of it, he wants out. And there's no promise you can make that will change that. I'd second the person saying that if he made up his mind in June, he's already mentally gone through all the motions and is ready to walk and not look back.

I feel for you, but you will see in time that you dodged a bullet here. Your focus now, though, should be on recovering yourself, grieving and moving on. Not on fixing things or trying to go back.

leggo · 17-08-2016 10:33am

Yeah I wouldn't blame yourself at all here OP, as easy as it is for me to say and difficult as that must be for you. That's the worst feeling: complete helplessness as the future you were planning towards blows up in front of your face. But in time you'll know it wasn't your fault and that'll help you move on.

It's possible that there's someone else here, or someone that he wants. It's possible that he's just being dumb and making a mistake. When people are in or just finish college, the urge sometimes is to get out of relationships and figure things out in the world alone because their vision for their future is up in the air or has changed.

None of that matters anyway. He or what he wants doesn't matter. You matter here. Don't worry about thinking about what you could've done to change things, there's almost definitely nothing. Don't feel like you weren't good enough for him, relationships are about two people clicking and joining their lives together, not about one person being good enough for the other. If you don't click (and I get that you thought you did), there's no relationship. Nobody's fault, it just is what it is. Focus on you for now and eventually you'll bounce back from this better and ready to find someone who'll appreciate all the things your ex is gonna miss out on.

After a while it's almost easier to be the one who gets broken up with: now you won't have to wonder "did I make a mistake?" like he will. You can just move on guilt-free knowing you had no choice but to do so. When you can, start focusing on building a new life, new routine and getting new things to be happy without him.

Flex · 17-08-2016 10:34am

Im sorry to hear that youre going through this, OP

I had a relationship in my early 20's that lasted a few years and its quite similar to what you posted. Loved each other, had plans and discussions about moving in together after college, and all of that. Went on a holiday together and 5 or 6 weeks later she ended things with me. Sounded similar to you, the reasons given were largely frivolous and left me gobsmacked and even more hurt and confused that she would end things over such small issues and that she would end things without trying to resolve them! In hindsight, it was as others said, the simple fact was she wanted out of the relationship but wanted to try give me reasons other than "I want to date other guys"

From the sounds of it, your ex wanted that too. Youre both relatively young and been in a long term relationship. You've just finished college and secured jobs, so a new phase of your life is starting, and perhaps he just wanted something new. Its ****, I know, Ive been there :rolleyes: It hurts and the feeligns of "Ill never click with anyone again... Never match so perfectly... All my fault... Most perfect person on earth" and all of the fear and numbness and that is all natural, but it does pass and it does get easier, trust me, Ive been there before and Im 31 now and (unfortunately) Im there again now and reliving it

And from the sounds of it you didn't do anything to drive him away, so don't torture yourself!!

My advice to you would be this

Delete his contact information, don't contact him asking for answers or anything, because unfortunately you probably wont get them
If youre not in a gym, then go (it will make you feel better)
Surround yourself with family and friends and vent all you need to them
Just keep busy and occupied, take time to grieve and heal

Don't contact him, let him live with the consequence of his actions now, which is that you will not allow him to be in your life. He may come to see that the grass isn't greener and try to reach out to you again, at which point you can choose what to do, but for now just focus on yourself. Take care:)

Dave0301 · 17-08-2016 11:04am

OP, not much to add as it has been very well covered by other posters, all I would say is that be thankful that he had the decency to be upfront about wanting to break up.

I know this might not seem like much comfort, but at least it didn't drag out and end acrimoniously.

The grieving process will be tough for however long it takes, but focus on enjoying your friends and hobbies and things will get easier with time (clichéd but true).

Best of luck.

Calypso Realm · 17-08-2016 6:20pm

Flex wrote: »

.Delete his contact information, don't contact him asking for answers or anything, because unfortunately you probably wont get them

If youre not in a gym, then go (it will make you feel better)

Surround yourself with family and friends and vent all you need to them

Just keep busy and occupied, take time to grieve and heal

Don't contact him, let him live with the consequence of his actions now, which is that you will not allow him to be in your life. He may come to see that the grass isn't greener and try to reach out to you again, at which point you can choose what to do, but for now just focus on yourself. Take care:)

This is exactly what I was going to say, in particular about NOT contacting him at any point, ever, from now on. I realise it's small consolation now, but trust me, he will actually miss you ! To do this he needs to experience what life without you would be like, which he won't, I assure you, if he knows you're still in touch, available or still there, pining for him in the wings. All this is not intended as a tactic to get him back, although sometimes we do not realise what we have until it's gone and some people realise they've made a genuine mistake, but an opportunity for you to grieve and heal and focus on you and you, only.

Heck, it's summer! If I were you, I'd book a nice holiday, get away from things for a few weeks. Take care.

Heat_Wave · 18-08-2016 12:33am

Hey OP, my ex dumped me out of the blue a few months ago and like you, I was devastated. You and I are the same age btw

I remember sitting on the ground beside my bed balling my eyes out for nights on end, thinking that I would never be able to get over it. His excuse to me was 'you love fancy restaurants, I'm not the fancy restaurant type of guy'. Despite the fact that we had never once dined in a fancy restaurant !

For weeks afterwards, I reminisced on the relationship and thought 'maybe I put too much pressure on him to do this, maybe I was wrong there' etc etc. I tortured and blamed myself for weeks!

Then I said feck it and I joined Tinder. I knew he had moved on and my sadness slowly turned into anger. I thought 'feck that. He's probably out dating other girls having a great time and here I am blaming myself when I have absolutely nothing to blame myself for'. So I began going on dates, going to the gym, eating well, and now almost 3/4 months later I am dating a much, much nicer guy!

And the funny part is, my ex texted me last weekend saying how sorry he is etc. I told him where to go (in a dignified manner) and I blocked his number. It was an incredible feeling.

It is amazing to go from balling your eyes out over someone, to feeling relieved that you'll never have to endure their emotional manipulation again.

Do not blame or doubt yourself for anything. If truth be told, perhaps he was right. Maybe you do like hotels and he likes hostels. I definitely prefer fancy restaurants to grotty pubs! These little things are deal breakers I have found, despite how silly they sound.

Join a gym (and use it!), alter your diet, change your hair, buy new clothes, get a piercing (I got 4 piercings the week after my ex broke up with me and I felt like a new woman!) and go on dates. If you keep active and step outside your comfort zone you will definitely feel better in a few weeks time

Mr. Incognito · 18-08-2016 9:56am

Heat_Wave wrote: »

Hey OP, my ex dumped me out of the blue a few months ago and like you, I was devastated. You and I are the same age btw I remember sitting on the ground beside my bed balling my eyes out for nights on end, thinking that I would never be able to get over it. His excuse to me was 'you love fancy restaurants, I'm not the fancy restaurant type of guy'. Despite the fact that we had never once dined in a fancy restaurant !

For weeks afterwards, I reminisced on the relationship and thought 'maybe I put too much pressure on him to do this, maybe I was wrong there' etc etc. I tortured and blamed myself for weeks!

Then I said feck it and I joined Tinder. I knew he had moved on and my sadness slowly turned into anger. I thought 'feck that. He's probably out dating other girls having a great time and here I am blaming myself when I have absolutely nothing to blame myself for'. So I began going on dates, going to the gym, eating well, and now almost 3/4 months later I am dating a much, much nicer guy!

And the funny part is, my ex texted me last weekend saying how sorry he is etc. I told him where to go (in a dignified manner) and I blocked his number. It was an incredible feeling.

It is amazing to go from balling your eyes out over someone, to feeling relieved that you'll never have to endure their emotional manipulation again.

Do not blame or doubt yourself for anything. If truth be told, perhaps he was right. Maybe you do like hotels and he likes hostels. I definitely prefer fancy restaurants to grotty pubs! These little things are deal breakers I have found, despite how silly they sound.

Join a gym (and use it!), alter your diet, change your hair, buy new clothes, get a piercing (I got 4 piercings the week after my ex broke up with me and I felt like a new woman!) and go on dates. If you keep active and step outside your comfort zone you will definitely feel better in a few weeks time

This is fantastic advice and should be stickied.

I caught my ex cheating on my last November and was devastated. I basically gave her a weekend to move out and blocked her number.

I too joined the gym, and used it, took some time to heal, met some wonderful people and joined Tinder and am seeing someone I am mad about at the moment. It's always darkest just before the dawn.

Whilst it might not seem like it now, he wasnt the one. If he was having doubts and wasnt happy then its not a relationship you should want to be in.

Take some you time, get some space. Time takes Time.

It will be better for you, you just have to hang on in there through all the emotional rollercoaster of the grief that comes with the ending of a long term relationship.

Block him on all social media and on your phone. The one or two contacts I've had with my ex have been head melts I could have done without.

You will be so so happy again. Just remember that.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2016 9:57am

hi OP here,

Thank you for your replies. They have all been very helpful.

To those inquiring as to whether there may be someone else-I honestly don't know. He denied it and I guess I have to believe him. Most of the people who know him thinks he simply wants to leave Ireland.

I have made positive steps-I joined the gym yesterday to try and get back to my pre relationship dress size. I also haven't contacted him yet. That is the hardest part. We talked alot, I dont think in the past four years we haven't gone a day without talking to each other. Im finding it hard to accept that Saturday will probably the last time I ever speak or see him again. I really dont want that to be the case. I just thought four years would be long enough to try to fix it.

The issue is I cant find his faults-I know no ones perfect and he wasn't but his flaws did not bother me. I still think the world of him, that he is nice decent guy. Good memories keep coming to my mind which cause me to break down. I honestly can't think of any bad memories other than the break up.

Its my birthday in a week and it tears at me that he wont acknowledge it.

leggo · 18-08-2016 12:37pm

helpneeded!!!!! wrote: »

hi OP here,

Thank you for your replies. They have all been very helpful.

To those inquiring as to whether there may be someone else-I honestly don't know. He denied it and I guess I have to believe him. Most of the people who know him thinks he simply wants to leave Ireland.

I have made positive steps-I joined the gym yesterday to try and get back to my pre relationship dress size. I also haven't contacted him yet. That is the hardest part. We talked alot, I dont think in the past four years we haven't gone a day without talking to each other. Im finding it hard to accept that Saturday will probably the last time I ever speak or see him again. I really dont want that to be the case. I just thought four years would be long enough to try to fix it.

The issue is I cant find his faults-I know no ones perfect and he wasn't but his flaws did not bother me. I still think the world of him, that he is nice decent guy. Good memories keep coming to my mind which cause me to break down. I honestly can't think of any bad memories other than the break up.

Its my birthday in a week and it tears at me that he wont acknowledge it.

To be fair, if you want to take some of the shine off him...he's also probably hurt you more than anyone else ever has. And he probably could've handled it much, much better. So there's that too, it's not nothing.

You likely will see him in some form again, but let time pass and by the next time you do you probably won't even care that much. Eventually he'll just be a memory, a blur from your past, and that sucks to think about now but just goes to show that these emotions, as horrible as they are, ARE temporary and you will be happy again.

meeeeh · 18-08-2016 4:45pm

Even nice decent people grow apart. You started dating young and in my opinion people have a lot better chance of happy ever after with someone they meet at 25 or later than someone they start dating in your teens or early twenties.

Your interests, desires, ambitions are still being formed. It's quite likely that at 35 he will be a person that wouldn't attract you at all and you will be with someone completely different. It probably wasn't easy for him either, it's hard to break up with someone after four years. I don't think working on a relationship would be necessary a good idea. You are at a rare stage of life when you have the opportunity to be the person you want to be. And not someone your bf wants you to be.

Abrupt end to long term relationship

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