How important is intellectual compatibility in relationship?

LegacyUser · 14-08-2016 1:05am #1

Going anon for this. Cant talk to any one about this and would like some opinions. With my partner nearly two years, in love, very kind, funny, loving, we're both mad for each other. Can really see this going somewhere. Don't live together yet. Am late 20's, this is first serious relationship. Want to get opinions from others about intellectual compatibility. I am beginning to think we might not be on the same page when it comes to this. I like to think reflectively about a lot of things, I think it's important for self-growth. But this seems to be less important for my partner. This lack of depth feeds into any "intellectual" conversations had. Has any one ever dealt with this in a relationship and how did it work out?

The other night I tried to talk about something philosophical that was on my mind, was a very very basic concept, could be taken up as spiritual depending on what view you take-but not necessarily-could even be viewed at from a biological or evolutionary point of view. But it was abstract and could only be explained by using different analogies-which all amounted to this same concept. But despite these several examples, and my breaking it down into its simplest form, my partner just did not get what I was explaining, and kept taking the analogies for their concrete meaning. I ended up feeling a little frustrated at what was said because it was just completely missing the hypothetical point I was trying to make, and had we been in company I am ashamed to say I would have been embarrassed. I was actually in shock about this, and still am to be honest. I feel really mean even saying or thinking any of this, but this is just something so basic I thought everyone thought about this stuff at this level. It just indicates to me that me and me and my partner may not be on the same page when it comes to how we think about things, not being able to hypothesise or think abstractly about something, only being able to think in the literal and not really critically thinking about something, or even being able to critically think about something. I am to be honest worried about this. I find it a huge turn off, and I don't feel good thinking this about my partner, as I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate if he thought I thought this about him

I also am concerned about how important this might be in the future, my partner is intelligent in lots of ways, and book-smart-or whatever you would call this-isn't the only type of smart out there but I have noticed that when a conversation goes to something he doesn't know a lot about instead of thinking about it and forming an opinion about it based on the knowledge already been presented he will make a joke about it, or a silly throwaway comment. It's like a complete unwillingness to engage in the discussion, but using the humour then completely stifles and ends the conversation altogether. Whereas if I don't know much about the current discussion-which happens plenty of times-I ask about it to find out the details, and the different sides and try and engage with it as best I can. I know this might be to do with a lack of confidence and deflecting but it gets frustrating because I know he has the ability to have an intelligent conversation, but he chooses to shut down instead.
I've just come through some exams recently and realised that not once has he asked about the subjects I was studying or anything specific relating to them. Even though it's been my life the last few months he's actually not asked me the details of any of it or shown any interest in it.

I think its just different ways of approaching life and thinking about things, but I would like to know has any one had experience of this and can it work down the line, and how did they deal with it? My issue is that deep thinking and reflecting is important to me because it helps me to develop and grow as a person. It helps me be aware of things in my life that might need changing. And not thinking about stuff like that means to me that the rate at which you grow and develop is stifled. Reflecting on things is really important to living a good life to me, but I don't think deep reflection is really all that important to my partner. So how important is this to a relationship between us?

dudara · 14-08-2016 10:20am

Not everyone is, or wants to be, a deep thinker. It doesn't mean that they don't think about how they can improve themselves, it just means that they don't do it in the way you've chosen to.

To be honest, I think you're going deep into the rabbit hole here, and I possibly think that you feel "superior" to him, which isn't a healthy attitude to have in a relationship.

LegacyUser · 14-08-2016 11:23am

I understand why intellectual conversation is so important to you. I am a deep thinker too and find life and the universe fascinating and would love to find a man who can stimulate my imagination and emotional growth in this way. However, I would prefer to find a man who is a good person, who actually loves and cares for me, and who is reliable. I think perhaps you should remember what is most important, and re-prioritise? In life you never get everything the exact way you want it, and for all you know there may be things that he dislikes about you, but still likes you anyway in spite of them. (I'm not saying there are, but you never know). Don't mean to come across harsh, maybe I've been single too long and so from my perspective I think all that matters at this stage is a persons character and sincerity.

leggo · 14-08-2016 12:41pm

Your partner can't and shouldn't have to be responsible for ticking every box you have, this is why we have friends and spend time with other people aside from our partner. It's unfair to expect someone to be everything for you, it's also very intense when someone does so. My last relationship was actually quite refreshing in that respect because my partner had no interest in the area I have a business in, so when I was with her it was one of the only times in my life I wouldn't end up talking about that subject and, as a result, I got to broaden my horizons elsewhere. Relationships, with partners, family and friends, work on their positives.

Having said that, it's also fair to want certain specific things from a relationship and want a partner who gives you those things. So if it's a case that you find this person doesn't stimulate you or make you happy or you have to change yourself too much for it to work, that's when you need to start examining the relationship.

Or maybe you're just coming out of the honeymoon phase where you're crazy about each other and think your partner is perfect and not just another guy, and now you're noticing their perceived 'flaws' for the first time. And that can be a jarring experience for sure. But it's then that the love you have for that person - the things you've been through the times they've been there for you - comes to the fore. If that doesn't happen, then the warm tingly feeling you were having could just have been infatuation and maybe this isn't the person for you.

Penny Tration · 14-08-2016 2:16pm

I think that relationships where partners are similar in terms of intelligence are probably easier than where one partner is far more intelligent than the other.

That said, I don't think "deep thinking" and spirituality are necessarily indicative of intelligence. I'll probably sound very cocky here, and I apologize in advance, but I'm fairly intelligent. My partner is quite intelligent too. That said, neither of us care too much about abstract thought or deep thinking. Now, if I were talking about something abstract and were using analogies, he'd understand me for sure, but he'd have absolutely no interest in the conversation.

I was with a man like you before. Deep thinker, spiritual, intellectual I guess. Ultimately though, he wasn't very intelligent. He was a lovely man, and very talented, but the deep thinking and spirituality didn't equate to intelligence.

I think if he's generally an intelligent man that you converse well with, to judge him for not "getting" some analogies is small minded.

LLMMLL · 14-08-2016 3:00pm

It sounds like you have different interests rather than intellectual levels.

I don't find many of the things you've pointed out to be intellectual to be honest.

His response to subjects he knows nothing about is far more valid in my opinion. If you are chatting to a friend and they bring up a topic you don't understand, there's just no way you can form an informed opinion from whatever your friend tells you about it. I see this all the time about subjects like Israel/Palestine, evolution etc. People having strong opinions/debates with their friends based on scanty knowledge of the facts. I know a guy who when topics of this kind comes up just admits he knows nothing about it and I find it refreshing.

It's probably better to call it reflective rather than intellectual. Recognising this may take the element of superiority out of your considerations leaving the question: do you need someone who likes these kinds of conversations.

leggo · 14-08-2016 3:12pm

And how has it taken two years for you to realise this if it's something you actually care so deeply about? I mean, for me, I love being with someone that I can debate about stuff with. Not argue, just have a spirited disagreement where we both say our piece and hopefully at the end both learn something new from it. It's a pretty big deal for me since it strikes at the core of who I am as a person, I'm open-minded and a conversationalist with some unconventional views, but I also hate feeling like I'm dictating my opinion to someone and appreciate if they can give it back. That's me. That's important. So I'll generally notice if a person ticks this box for me within 2-3 dates.

I'm not trying to be inflammatory here, but are you sure you're not just one of those people who likes to think they're intellectual, or maybe you want to add that to your life (which is fine)? When the truth is you've gone two years happily never having had these conversations.

beks101 · 14-08-2016 3:21pm

Intelcompatib wrote: »

The other night I tried to talk about something philosophical that was on my mind, was a very very basic concept, could be taken up as spiritual depending on what view you take-but not necessarily-could even be viewed at from a biological or evolutionary point of view. But it was abstract and could only be explained by using different analogies-which all amounted to this same concept. But despite these several examples, and my breaking it down into its simplest form, my partner just did not get what I was explaining, and kept taking the analogies for their concrete meaning.

With due respect OP, I found this hard to follow and wonder if your boyfriend felt the same. The last time I engaged in such 'abstract' conversations was when I was in a lecture hall and writing 10,000-word theses on the philosophy of 1800 Russian poetry that aren't remotely relatable in your every-day casual conversations around the dinner table and that would probably be rebuffed or rejected as non-sensical ramblings among the majority of my peers.

And I'd be a smart enough cookie at that. I just like simple language, abstract concepts explained with brevity and intellectual curiosity that doesn't veer into the land of the verbose. I'm a journalist and I've spent the guts of a decade meeting and interviewing people from all walks of life, the people that fit this profile are generally academics or college students. Lots of college students. When you're in college you indulge your intellect in a way that you can't really afford in every day life. So perhaps that's the gap between your conversational preferences and your OH's at the moment.

Honestly, it's a personal thing and only you can decide if this is something important enough to walk away from your boyfriend for. Personally, I think there are far more important traits to worry about in a relationship such as kindness, generosity, loyalty and support. It's bloody hard to find a man with these traits, whereas you probably already have that philosophical friend who likes to talk about the meaning of life whilst referencing that Immanuel Kant book that he read last week.

Also - maybe his way of thinking is something you can learn from. Maybe he's the ying that you need to your yang. My OH doesn't express a lot of the same world views as me, which is bloody infuriating a lot of the time but also great, because it shuts down the rants I can indulge in or the rabbit hole I can find myself in when I go too far into a certain mindset. And vice versa. We balance each other as people. That's something to consider too.

Merkin · 14-08-2016 4:40pm

I'd be considered fairly intelligent and my husband is very bright and has a PhD. When I was hoping one day I might meet my life partner, intelligence for me was non negotiable. In saying that, my husband and I have completely different brains. He is scientific and logical whereas I'm all about instinct and 'big picture' thinking. Neither one is better and I love learning from bright people.

With all due respect I found your OP incredibly convoluted and I'm wondering if you maybe come across this way in real life? If so, when you're at pains to explain things or coerce people into your way of thinking, they may in fact switch off. Maybe it's something to think about.

There are some extremely intelligent people out there and the brightest ones wear their intelligence very casually indeed without feeling they have a point to prove.

Mark Tapley · 14-08-2016 4:45pm

I don't think it is a problem with intellectual levels . If somebody was talking to me and using words and phrases like self growth and spirituality I might make a joke rather than being rude and saying would you stop with the self indulgent new age blather.
Try to have conversations that interest you both .
Navel gazing is not for everyone.

Paddy Cow · 14-08-2016 5:46pm

Intelcompatib wrote: »

I think its just different ways of approaching life and thinking about things, but I would like to know has any one had experience of this and can it work down the line, and how did they deal with it? My issue is that deep thinking and reflecting is important to me because it helps me to develop and grow as a person. It helps me be aware of things in my life that might need changing. And not thinking about stuff like that means to me that the rate at which you grow and develop is stifled. Reflecting on things is really important to living a good life to me, but I don't think deep reflection is really all that important to my partner. So how important is this to a relationship between us?

You've answered your own question there. Deep thinking and reflection is more philosophical than intellectual. My sister can be like you and I have to say I find it draining. She wants to explore blah blah blah and to be honest I've learned to tune it out or leave when she starts. She finds it frustrating when I won't engage but doesn't seem to understand that I find it just as frustrating to overthink a subject to the point where I feel like my brain is melting. If you were to ask us both who is the more intellectual, I can hand on heart say that we would both answer me. Intelligence isn't the issue here. Philosophical views are. Some people are deep thinkers, some aren't.

I do think that if two people are on complete ends of the intellectual scale, then yes, it can cause problems. However, you need to ask yourself if it's only your boyfriend you have this problem with or is it a general thing? I mean, these conversations you are having with your boyfriend which you find frustrating, would you be able to have them with people on a regular basis ie your family, friends and colleagues?

If yes then that is worrying. If you can't talk to your boyfriend in the same capacity as you would anyone else, then yes you are on different intellectual levels. If no then the problem is you. If you wouldn't expect your family, friends, colleges to be able to converse with you on the level you want, then why would you expect your boyfriend to?

Some people love talking about things in minute detail and that is fine as long as you are in the same company but they tend to be in the minority. If this is your boyfriend's only "flaw" and he's not actually thick (sorry but that's how you painted him) then why not join some groups where you will meet like minded people? It would do you and your boyfriend a world of good if you could express your views in a like minded setting and then ye could both relax at home and get on with normal, day to day living

silverbolt · 14-08-2016 6:20pm

My partner is very intelligent and we can sit and talk over many things sometimes in great detail for hours - which i find highly enjoyable.

But we can also be silly and giggly and quite daft.

Its doesnt have to be a deal breaker OP just one thing that you are different in

Rekop dog · 14-08-2016 7:08pm

If your philosophising is anything like that post it's no wonder he shuts off, a difficult read trying to sift through the wishy washineness for some sign of the intellect you proclaim upon yourself.
I wouldn't like if my other half talked about me in almost condescending terms.

Your obsession with exploring these topics with him with complete disregard for his interest or the social cues he's giving you sounds like you may be on the autistic spectrum.

professore · 14-08-2016 7:26pm

I would go against most of the opinions on here.

Problem I see is that down the road you will meet someone who gets you that way, like me and my wife did. We literally fell in love over a cup of coffee because of one conversation that was on a level I'd never experienced before with woman. We hit it off immediately.

Compared to that, things like looks are far down the list.

Merkin · 14-08-2016 10:14pm

Rekop dog wrote: »

If your philosophising is anything like that post it's no wonder he shuts off, a difficult read trying to sift through the wishy washineness for some sign of the intellect you proclaim upon yourself.
I wouldn't like if my other half talked about me in almost condescending terms.

Your obsession with exploring these topics with him with complete disregard for his interest or the social cues he's giving you sounds like you may be on the autistic spectrum.

I warned you last week about your habit of posting unhelpful responses and I was explicit in saying one more instance of same would earn you a yellow card.

I'd urge you to go and have a thorough read of the charter before posting anywhere within this forum again.

fatknacker · 15-08-2016 1:02am

While everyone on this thread seems to be taking the opportunity to tell us all how intelligent they are, I'd say the only advice you can take from it is that it's entirely up to you as to whether you feel satisfied from a relationship where you can't have conversations on the same level that you'd hoped for.
Seems to work for some people though. Lots of bimbos / himbos last longer in a partnership with a nerdlinger longer than we'd expect them to.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 11:52am

Have you done the Myers Briggs test?

I guarantee you that you're an intuitive and your partner's a sensor. While this relationship is not the most ideal, it absolutely can work. The important thing is for you both to sit down and try to understand how each other thinks and how this can affect your relationship.

Some good links to check out:

http://www.truity.com/blog/intuitives-guide-getting-along-sensors
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/sensors-and-intuitives-how-to-bridge-the-communication-gap.html

SarahMollie · 15-08-2016 2:25pm

There are so many different ways in which people can be intelligent - but I wonder (like others) if you've somehow got a warped notion of what intelligence is, and therefore confusing it with over intellectualizing things?

My OH is extremely smart, has a PhD, very quick witted, extremely quick to pick up new skills and if he gets less than 15 questions right on University Challenge, hes not happy. However, if I tried to have a conversation with him along the lines of what you outlined in your OP , I think his head would melt before my eyes. Is it possible that it wasnt so much that your BF didnt get what you were trying to say, but rather he found the entire conversation really annoying and didnt want to engage in it?

I have to wonder also how this could crop us as a big issue after 2 years - how is it suddenly a problem?

KikiDee · 17-08-2016 4:19pm

Intelcompatib wrote: »

I have noticed that when a conversation goes to something he doesn't know a lot about instead of thinking about it and forming an opinion about it based on the knowledge already been presented he will make a joke about it, or a silly throwaway comment. It's like a complete unwillingness to engage in the discussion.

OK...I'm not going to proclaim to be super intelligent but I do know a bit about this. When I happen across a conversation I'm not entirely comfortable voicing my opinions about or that I don't know enough about to form an opinion of, I will make a joke to hide it. It's not a complete unwillingness to engage in a conversation, it's an attempt to hide that I don't feel confident enough in the subject matter to engage in the discussion.

Intelcompatib wrote: »

but he chooses to shut down instead.

Doing what your OH does is not shutting down. Maybe look at it as a way of trying to steer the conversation to more comfortable territory?

Intelcompatib wrote: »

My issue is that deep thinking and reflecting is important to me because it helps me to develop and grow as a person. It helps me be aware of things in my life that might need changing. And not thinking about stuff like that means to me that the rate at which you grow and develop is stifled. Reflecting on things is really important to living a good life to me, but I don't think deep reflection is really all that important to my partner. So how important is this to a relationship between us?

This is your way of thinking OP. And it clearly isn't your partners. So you need to decide how important this way of thinking is to you and not to your relationship. You seem to be the one with the issue here so only you can decide.

How important is intellectual compatibility in relationship?

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