Jokes thread

Derek_S · 26-07-2002 6:10pm

you will be

Hogan · 31-07-2002 11:21am

http://www.clubbing.com/bbtest/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1005

mick your brilliant

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 11:30am

mick you legend

Im_Not_Here · 31-07-2002 11:33am

Always knew Mick was a legend

Damned sexy too!

Well Betsy thinks so anyway!

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 11:35am

yea he's a wee rascal alrite

Im_Not_Here · 31-07-2002 11:56am

Originally posted by Derek_S
wee rascal

Nice scottish accent u go there!

I give in!

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 12:12pm

oh really compaq girl

Im_Not_Here · 31-07-2002 12:13pm

lalala Compaq doesnt exist anymore!

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 12:14pm

i knew it was you from day one sap

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 12:15pm

andf stop robbing my lalala

Im_Not_Here · 31-07-2002 12:15pm

WHAT IS FOREPLAY?

* The loving before the shoving.

* The petting before the getting.

* BULL****!

* The licking before the pricking.

* The stroking before the poking.

* The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.

* The lingering and the fingering.

* A premature ejaculators nightmare!

Im_Not_Here · 31-07-2002 12:16pm

Originally posted by Derek_S
andf stop robbing my lalala

Make me!

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 2:12pm

excuses for when ma and pa kettel return

1. A furious Ma & Pa demand to know why all the curtains are drawn and the lights low:
Pull a black cloak, false fangs and a string of garlic out of yer rucksack and make out you're a member of the local drama group, working on your Transylvanian tendencies for your starring role in Dracula!
(Warning: If this goes wrong you might never perform again...)

2. You've been caught with your hand firmly up her jumper:
Try this one - 'I'm actually a part-time bra salesman, and your daughter requested I come round to give advice on extra-support.'
(Warning: Don't be too convincing, you don't want to have to measure up her mother as well).

3. You're both caught writhing around on the sofa surrounded by the remains of food and drink raided from the family cupboards:
Offer her Dad a cigar and a tot of sherry from his drinks cabinet, while saying, 'Sit down my old chap and let's talk about this man to man, eh?'
(Warning: That cigar could end up in an extremely painful place).

4. Her red-faced parents demand to know how she ended up sporting the hickey of the century:
Break down in floods of tears, wailing your innocence. Mums love sensitive types!
(Warning: Don't overdo it - nothing annoys Mums more than snot in the shagpile).

5. There's no easy way of putting this…you've been caught with your pants down:
Pretend you're from a strange country where it's considered polite to strip off in people's front rooms. (Warning: They might wish to take part in your custom by joining in. *Shudder*).

...On the other hand, it might just be easier to go with the traditional method - grab your coat (or your kecks!), avoid eye contact and leg it as fast as those Reebok Classics can carry you, shouting "It wasn't me you sick freaks!" over your shoulder!

Hogan · 31-07-2002 2:29pm

haha excellent

Derek_S · 31-07-2002 2:48pm

that they are

Hogan · 31-07-2002 4:08pm

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Im_Not_Here · 01-08-2002 11:17am

A man goes to his doctor and says Doc, I have a
problem:
my girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday,
my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday
and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills
3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man
of your age."
I will give them to you on the condition that you
return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "what happened?
The man answered "nobody showed up."

Derek_S · 01-08-2002 11:28am

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery "down below" to
restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors
were dangling a bit too low
and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken
its toll and she reckoned
that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a
nip here and a tuck there
so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses at the end of the
bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but
I'm a bit confused as to
why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation
went so well and you were
such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's
really nice" said Lucy. "The
second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait
to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the
sides for years and he's
very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". "That's from Eric in the
burns unit", said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

OLDYELLAR · 01-08-2002 1:51pm

A guy's walking down the street and sees little Johnny smoking a
> cigarette.
> He says, 'Kid, you're too young to smoke. How old are you?'
> Johnny says, 'Six.'
> The guy says, 'Six? When did you start smoking?'
> Johnny says, 'Right after the first time I got laid.'
> The guy says, 'Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?'
> Johnny says, 'I don't remember. I was drunk.'

Hogan · 02-08-2002 7:44am

On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekiel Aikle Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread and the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R. E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Hogan · 02-08-2002 8:07am

hehehe

Derek_S · 23-08-2002 9:10am

PEOPLE AND THEIR DRINKS..
> > >
> > >A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and
> > they were
> > >asked if they could identify a customer's personality on
> > what drinks
> > >they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they
> > concurred on
> > >almost all counts.
> > >The results:
> > >
> > >IF WOMEN DRINK...
> > >
> > >Beer:
> > >Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
> > >Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
> > >
> > >Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella:
> > >Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
> > >Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
> > >
> > >Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda:
> > >Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
> > >Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
> > >
> > >Water:
> > >Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious
> > relationship.
> > >Approach: Don't
> > >
> > >Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask):
> > >Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
> > >Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the
> > conversation.
> > >
> > >Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
> > >Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated
> > actually
> > >has absolutely no clue.
> > >Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're
> > in.
> > >
> > >Cape Velvet:
> > >Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
> > >Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the
> > pub.
> > >
> > >Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.):
> > >Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking
> > to get
> > >drunk... and naked.
> > >Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
> > >
> > >
> > >IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
> > >
> > >Cider:
> > >He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Cheap Domestic Beer:
> > >He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Premium Local Beer:
> > >He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Imported Beer:
> > >He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Guinness:
> > >The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
> > >
> > >Water:
> > >He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of
> > his mouth so
> > >that he can still get laid.
> > >
> > >Wine:
> > >He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
> > sophisticated image
> > >and help him get laid.
> > >
> > >Vodka or Brandy:
> > >Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
> > to get
> > >laid.
> > >
> > >Port:
> > >Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to
> > get laid.
> > >
> > >Whisky:
> > >He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit
> > anyone who
> > >will
> > >get in his way of getting laid.
> > >
> > >Jack Daniels:
> > >Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
> > feminine
> > >activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself
> > into getting
> > >laid.
> > >
> > >Rum or Tequila:
> > >Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
> > >
> > >Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
> > >He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up
> > any dropped
> > >change.

Derek_S · 23-08-2002 11:50am

Subject: IF MEN WROTE PROBLEM PAGES

Problems with Paul

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Derek_S · 26-08-2002 1:25pm

excuses fella's and girls use if they've been blanked

girls one

You're not his type
He's shy
He's an idiot
His mate fancies you
His mate hates you
He doesn't fancy you
He's got an embarrassing problem
He's gay
He's already taken
He has a disgusting disease
His last girlf looked like you
His last girlf looked nothing like you

fella's one

she's a LESBIAN

Derek_S · 26-08-2002 1:28pm

He says: "It's a bloke thing"
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"

He says: "It would take too long to explain"
He means: "I have no idea how it works"

He says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
He means: "I was wondering if that Britney-alike over there is wearing a bra"

He says: "It's a really good movie"
He means: "It's got guns, explosions, fast cars, and Cameron Diaz"

He says: "I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
He means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit it hurts"

He says: "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
He means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"

He says: "I broke up with her"
He means: "She dumped me"

He says: "Nice dress!"
He means: "Nice cleavage!"

He says: "She's a nice girl"
He means: "I really fancy her"

He says: "She's a cow"
He means: "She doesn't fancy me"

Hogan · 30-08-2002 4:18pm

old but funny.....

The five dogs
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Computer Tech and the fifth was a Fianna Fail
politician.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff".
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that it was pretty
incredible.

But the Accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog
and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into four equal
piles of three biscuits each. Everyone agreed that that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a litre of milk, got a pint glass from the cupboard and poured exactly a
pint without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that it was more than a little
impressive.

The Computer Tech knew that he could top them all. "Hard Drive, do it". Hard
Drive crossed the room and booted up the computer, checked for viruses,
upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed a cool new game.
Everyone knew that it was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the Politician and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Politician called to his dog and said, "Ansbacher, do your stuff boy".
Ansbacher jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all
of the files on the computer, shagged the other four dogs, claimed he was
doing it for continued economic prosperity, deported the computer techs dog
because he was black, then rolled over, took a crap on the floor and said "A
lot done. More to do".

Derek_S · 30-08-2002 4:28pm

were was the funny bit?

Ste- · 30-08-2002 6:22pm

Originally posted by Derek_S
were was the funny bit?

look down between ur legs ull see sumtin small yeah thats it

Hogan · 31-08-2002 11:45am

Originally posted by Derek_S
were was the funny bit?

its better then a lot of the crap you send me derek !! :rolleyes:

Derek_S · 01-09-2002 4:42pm

how dare you woman,it's over

Jokes thread

Comments