What's the etiquette here??

Voodoomelon · 14-12-2019 1:10am

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

KWAG2019 · 14-12-2019 1:17am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

No no and no. She’ll think you’re a serial killer. Are you?

Moomoomacshoe · 14-12-2019 1:23am

Flush immediately..before toilet roll. Open a window if there is one. If bad flush as youre going. Don't delay then spray...girls have air freshener. Another trick, put shower on n go then. Lots of time to rid the smell. What a lovely topic!!

P.s. Dont take immodium as you may end up exploding.

Kevwoody · 14-12-2019 1:34am

Voodoomelon wrote:

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

This is the kind of excellent advice that I had hoped for.

Perhaps throw in a few cable ties and a roll of duct tape incase she spots the shovel and suspects that I may be planning on burying a "time capsule".

Probably easier to let her think I'm a serial killer than someone who plants a few "magic beans" in the neighbor's garden?

KWAG2019 · 14-12-2019 1:39am

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

Kevwoody · 14-12-2019 1:40am

Voodoomelon wrote:

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

If I could delay proceedings for a few days, I could concentrate on "laying pipe" of a different kind in the bedroom/kitchen/sitting room/stairs/attic etc.

Having being single for a while, I'm looking forward to making full use of the 6inch Wavin pipe and would rather no unnecessary distractions.

Kevwoody · 14-12-2019 1:53am

KWAG2019 wrote:

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

She wouldn't be far wrong

EmmetSpiceland · 14-12-2019 2:16am

Kevwoody wrote: »

Evening gents, very informative thread here I must say. I'd consider myself rather fussy when it comes to finding refuge to "drop the bomb". I'd sooner endure a few cramps during the day and give birth in the comfort and safety of my own throne, rather than "rush" the experience in a public setting.

Which brings me to my current predicament. I have recently met a new partner, and while I'm aware that sometimes ladies do indeed "poop", I'm sure she would be horrified to experience first hand my ability to absolutely destroy an Armitage Shank.

I've spent a few nights at hers, and being partial to the odd bottle of clonmel champagne, cider ****es are something which need to be expedited fairly hastily in the morning. Which is fine during a one night "layover", but it's at the stage now where one night just doesn't cut it, and the little minx has vacated her schedule for an entire weekend next weekend, and seemingly we are "not gonna leave the house ".

Ordinarily I would be foaming at the japs eye for such an invite, but my first thought was how am I going to unleash the brown river without scarring the poor girl for life. All I can see are severe stomach cramps ahead, and trying to relieve the situation with a series of well timed arse explosions, hopefully of the silent kind which could be blamed on the dog.

So the question to my esteemed connoisseurs of "facility etiquette", any advice on how to settle the stomach, maybe firm up the old chocolate log and delay the due date for a day or two?

All serious advice would be most welcome.

A book of matches, kept in the “johnny”, or watch, pocket is a must.

Light 2 to 3 of these before exiting. Don’t extinguish them immediately either. Let them burn.

Some people will tell you it’s the reaction of the match on the lighting “strip” that does all the work but never underestimate the naked flame.

When you do blow them out be sure to swirl the smoke around the room. If the smell persists it’s time to get creative. Burn anything with a strong smell. Hair is a handy one. Head, or arm, only. Stay away from the “course” stuff, we’re not barbarians.

After that you’ve done all you can do. Be sure to run the match sticks under a tap before disposing. I recommend wrapping in a bit of bog roll before binning.

Hope it all works out for you, K.

An Ri rua · 14-12-2019 2:53am

Ush1 wrote: »

I normally snap off a grogan on company time, but there the other day there was a fella in the next stall making far too much noise. He was putting a lot of pressure on his bliges and with every strained spurt of midden, a gasped exhale followed. Put me right off so I had to leave.

So I deposited that night at home and my God lads she was a beauty. Had a perfect tapered end like a Mr Whippy but with a good semi solid consistency. The taper was so perfect that it had attached to the puckered anus and I had to give it an oul wiggle to let her drop off and breach the watery depths. Wanted to take a photo but I'm not that deviant to be honest so didn't bother.

Nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Sounds like a British Imperial round, rather than the smaller European metric jobbies in circulation these days. Rather decent of you to sound the trumpet and fire the 25 pounder single round salute. A lot of Paddies couldn't give 2 shiny ****es about Brexit and Britannia's Phoenix-like rise from the ashes but you, Mick, your symbolic birth of freedom, your life-affirming gift of self-determination to your anthropomorphic depth charge, you will be toasted by the Godhead of **** tonight, our own BoJobbie. May God bless your sphincter.

sligojoek · 14-12-2019 3:20am

KWAG2019 wrote: »

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

More of a beaver man myself.

An Ri rua · 14-12-2019 3:22am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Obviously I don’t want them to shîte themselves. However waiting a minute or two for me to finish up is surely less awkward than popping into the cubicle beside me and unloading a few pints of toxic arse gravy. I heard everything and I find the whole encounter awkward is all. It crossed my mind to fire him to be honest.

How soon after this did the relationship between ye become physical? The repulsion is classic homo-erotic stuff. Hopefully ye've both come out of the (water) closet and are busy making puppies.

An Ri rua · 14-12-2019 4:22am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

And I reckon it’s piss in the glass as the can has not been opened.

You may well be right. This could be what is realistically the first glimpse of the modern day Shamanic druid drinking their piss in the iterative circle of enlightenment as they embrace the magic of the mushroom (apologies for the homo-erotic undertone; not my intention). We do all approach the throne in hope and trepidation, after all, and leave lighter, enlightened and yet somehow more grounded to the bowels of Mother Earth. As if we astrally travelled, for a brief reverie, to the dimension where the toilet is always available, it never splashes your ass and the toilet roll doesn't show signs of previous human interaction by those still at the anal awareness stage of consciousness growth.

Hector Savage · 16-12-2019 10:42am

Well lads, it has happened.
I **** my pants.

I feel such deep shame, what the f*ck is happening to me !! ???
Am I that old now (41) I can't control the oul sheriffs badge ?

So I was up early this morning, felt a bit of a stirring below so made sure I went before I left the house, dropped a load of rancid midden - but was still farting away when I left - low warm ones with a fent that would knock dead a charging bull - this was a warning sign I shouldn't have ignored.

Anyway, all of a sudden on the way to the office really felt the turtle's head pressing .... and soon realised I wouldn't hold the torrent, could feel a horrible wetness on the cheeks, was waddling into a cafe - that has a habit of having no bogroll, no time for such luxuries however, straight to the jacks and first thing I see - bog roll, great !! - no lock on the door tho, anyway, no time ... down with the pants and unloaded a machine gun scuttery torrent of pebbly midden smashing the pewter ... it just went on and on and on .... followed by a sound like a fishmonger emptying a bucket of mackerel onto a tiled floor - the volume surprised me to be honest.

So feeling greatly relieved I started the cleanup - the underwear was a bit of a disaster and was thinking I'd need to go home, however the trousers survived so I carefully removed the jocks and socks and then disposed of the boxers in a bin - thank christ there was a bin in the jacks otherwise the barista would have gotten a shock 10 mins later....if you had told me earlier I would be in a cubicle in a cafe jacks bottomless inspecting my legs and arsecheeks and doing a cheap cleanup while my boxers lay in the bin I would have laughed and thought impossible.

I've always been proud that I had NEVER **** myself, I have had some close calls - but all of these have been when I have left the gaff without going and having a cofffee on the road - silly rookie mistakes.

Been very careful since so this morning really mistified me - and I'm not sick.

I did however eat a lot last night - pasta - this usually agrees with me fine though.
Had some weissbeer and a large mug of tea before going to bed tho ..

Dunno, It's great to have this thread, I won't be telling anyone else about this ....

sligojoek · 16-12-2019 11:01am

Had some weissbeer and a large mug of tea before going to bed tho ..

Therein lies the problem.

I've had many a 'narrow escape' after drinking that stuff. Plays hell with the guts.
Never again.

Voodoomelon · 16-12-2019 11:51am

The pasta too, wrecks havoc with me, stick to the wholewheat personally.

16-12-2019 2:42pm

I wasn't sure if this should go in the trivially annoying thread or here but here is probably better. Just spent the last few minutes trying to untangle some bog roll from the dispenser in the trap. When the cleaner replaced the roll they never "separated" the end of it so it couldn't be pulled out of the dispenser. Got it in the end but t'was fierce annoying.

Voodoomelon · 16-12-2019 2:58pm

I personally detest having to interact with the dispenser in any way. Nothing worse when the free end isn't hanging down and you have to venture your hand all the way inside to unfold it. God only knows what kind of hands have been in there.

Utter Consternation · 16-12-2019 3:12pm

I think we need to have a conversation about the toilet brush.

Some cnut in our place must have been on a serious session over the weekend and to be fair to him cleaned up the carnage but left the toilet brush in a less than clean way.

The fcuking thing should be brought out and shot. It's like a gruesome, Guinness sh1t decorated miniature Christmas tree. Would he not at least have had the decency to swirl it around a bit in the water to clean off some of the detritus?

He would have been as well off to leave the mess stuck to the backwall.

I'm not touching the fcuking thing to clean it. :mad:

gerrybbadd · 16-12-2019 3:23pm

Was in Dealz today and seen these for sale.

Make Toilets Great Again?

SEI_67712987.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&zoom=1&resize=644%2C429&ssl=1

Hector Savage · 16-12-2019 3:27pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Was in Dealz today and seen these for sale.

Make Toilets Great Again?

It's good actually, and I usually have no time for this Trump = Orange man bad woke **** ... but THAT IS FUNNY!!!!

Utter Consternation · 16-12-2019 3:48pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

It's good actually, and I usually have no time for this Trump = Orange man bad woke **** ... but THAT IS FUNNY!!!!

The only problem with Trump is that there seems to be great difficulty in making any sh1t stick to him at all.

tgdaly · 16-12-2019 4:19pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The only problem with Trump is that there seems to be great difficulty in making any sh1t stick to him at all.

Imagine what the cleaners must be using in the White House to clean out the jacks after Trump has left his post McDonald's "Big Mac" deposited in the porcelain. Probably have to scrub the thing with serious industrial stuff

KWAG2019 · 16-12-2019 4:37pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Well lads, it has happened.
I **** my pants.
and soon realised I wouldn't hold the torrent, could feel a horrible wetness on the cheeks, was waddling into a cafe - that has a habit of having no bogroll, no time for such luxuries however, straight to the jacks and first thing I see - bog roll, great !! - no lock on the door tho, anyway, no time ... down with the pants and unloaded a machine gun scuttery torrent of pebbly midden smashing the pewter ... it just went on and on and on .... followed by a sound like a fishmonger emptying a bucket of mackerel onto a tiled floor - the volume surprised me to be honest.

So feeling greatly relieved I started the cleanup - the underwear was a bit of a disaster and was thinking I'd need to go home, however the trousers survived so I carefully removed the jocks and socks and then disposed of the boxers in a bin - thank christ there was a bin in the jacks otherwise the barista would have gotten a shock 10 mins later....if you had told me earlier I would be in a cubicle in a cafe jacks bottomless inspecting my legs and arsecheeks and doing a cheap cleanup while my boxers lay in the bin....

I’d fully expect to see a bad CCTV image of you plastered to the window of the cafe with the word BANNED over it. That was some fcuking onslaught on their facilities. I can see Ms X the twice divorced cleaner who now offers counselling on Facebook throwing a serious strop when she discovers the carnage. She’ll probably produce the boxers as Exhibit A and fling them on the manager’s desk. Fair dues man, you’ve finished the season of good will in that caf. And a “clean” getaway!

Brendan Bendar · 16-12-2019 7:07pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

It's good actually, and I usually have no time for this Trump = Orange man bad woke **** ... but THAT IS FUNNY!!!!

What the fuuuherke is that unit at the back of the hopper?

16-12-2019 7:10pm

tgdaly wrote: »

Imagine what the cleaners must be using in the White House to clean out the jacks after Trump has left his post McDonald's "Big Mac" deposited in the porcelain. Probably have to scrub the thing with serious industrial stuff

Good thing they have the military close at hand, they probably need napalm or the like to sanitise the trap afterwards. Rumours abound that he eats nothing but fast food so his gastric system must surely be in tatters. Probably leaves fake tan handprints all over the jack's too the filthy kernt.

Bobblehats · 16-12-2019 7:22pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What the fuuuherke is that unit at the back of the hopper?

A ‘freshener’ I believe. Excessive craptrap

16-12-2019 8:14pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I personally detest having to interact with the dispenser in any way. Nothing worse when the free end isn't hanging down and you have to venture your hand all the way inside to unfold it. God only knows what kind of hands have been in there.

Almost as annoying is when the roll is squashed into an "oval" shape and doesn't roll properly in the dispenser, leaving you with postage stamp sized scraps of paper. This happens all too regularly in the work traps here.

Brendan Bendar · 16-12-2019 10:31pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Almost as annoying is when the roll is squashed into an "oval" shape and doesn't roll properly in the dispenser, leaving you with postage stamp sized scraps of paper. This happens all too regularly in the work traps here.

Cheap paper dude, best bet is buy a cheap towel and cut it int quarters.

Bring it into work with you and if caught with a discharge of a ‘lean mixture’ it will clean the hoop very nicely.

Into the washing machine and good to go again.

Avoids an unintended ‘hull breach’ as well.

Voodoomelon · 16-12-2019 10:45pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Cheap paper dude, best bet is buy a cheap towel and cut it int quarters.

Bring it into work with you and if caught with a discharge of a ‘lean mixture’ it will clean the hoop very nicely.

Into the washing machine and good to go again.

Avoids an unintended ‘hull breach’ as well.

A question if you will, how do you take the soiled quarters home with you? I'd imagine a large resealable sandwich bag from IKEA is your only man.

Which would almost be a shame, one would love to witness the poor cleaners face when confronted with a stack of soiled towel quarters chucked into the corner of the cubicle.

Brendan Bendar · 16-12-2019 11:01pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

A question if you will, how do you take the soiled quarters home with you? I'd imagine a large resealable sandwich bag from IKEA is your only man.

Which would almost be a shame, one would love to witness the poor cleaners face when confronted with a stack of soiled towel quarters chucked into the corner of the cubicle.

Correct, that or one of those green re-cycleable sacks for the compost caddy.

armaghlad · 17-12-2019 12:22am

This thread has taken another disappointing turn

Voodoomelon · 17-12-2019 1:22am

armaghlad wrote: »

This thread has taken another disappointing turn

It's best to talk about these things out loud; it prepares the mind for horrors one might see upon gingerly nudging open the door of a public lavatory.

I for one still carry the scars of bawling my eyes out at just 7 years old on the sight of a cubicle in Portsmouth that had been showered in sh1te by some animal of a man.

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 8:02am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

It's best to talk about these things out loud; it prepares the mind for horrors one might see upon gingerly nudging open the door of a public lavatory.

I for one still carry the scars of bawling my eyes out at just 7 years old on the sight of a cubicle in Portsmouth that had been showered in sh1te by some animal of a man.

Big naval base there Vee, the auld sphincters tend to be quite slack in the drawstring dept.

That condition can cause a wide ‘damage footprint’

Do you get me dhrifft?

Blowheads · 17-12-2019 8:40am

What gives ye gas? And I mean the type that has a man running for bread soda to fix. Pasta, some brown bread, stout, sausages? Can be the cause of serious damage below as well..

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 9:47am

armaghlad wrote: »

This thread has taken another disappointing turn

Whats wrong ? too graphic ?
it's a thread about the scutters amongst other method of evacuating arse slurry - speaking of which .... ...

Utter Consternation · 17-12-2019 10:31am

Blowheads wrote: »

What gives ye gas? And I mean the type that has a man running for bread soda to fix. Pasta, some brown bread, stout, sausages? Can be the cause of serious damage below as well..

Crunchy nut cornflakes me fart like it's going out of fashion (which it never will btw).

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 10:38am

Thankfully my bowel movements have been a lot more mannerly today.

Still can't believe the sheer volume yesterday .... must have machine gun fired out my arsehole for a full 10 seconds ...

Blowheads · 17-12-2019 10:39am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Crunchy nut cornflakes me fart like it's going out of fashion (which it never will btw).

And I just after eating a bowl ðŸ˜‚

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 10:47am

Looking forward to consuming about 20 KG of sprouts over the Christmas - should produce some interesting results at least ..

armaghlad · 17-12-2019 11:25am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Whats wrong ? too graphic ?
it's a thread about the scutters amongst other method of evacuating arse slurry - speaking of which .... ...

The thread title needs changed. It’s about etiquette. Not about carrying about a soiled rag to bring home to wash for re-use. Reprobate behaviour.

Sharp MZ700 · 17-12-2019 11:46am

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 11:54am

armaghlad wrote: »

The thread title needs changed. It’s about etiquette. Not about carrying about a soiled rag to bring home to wash for re-use. Reprobate behaviour.

Just giving some practical advice on the lads problem.

I’m very aware of the issues involved here, paper thin cheap flimsy arse paper presented to clean up a ‘blown muzzle’.

Personally I would rather carry a contained unit home for ‘ re use ‘ than a hoop well crusted in chunky midden, and handing your skiddies to Mrs Armagh and saying ‘ Better give those a scrape of the big spatula before washing,love, and throw in an extra capsule while you are at it”

Then going up for a shower to try to shift the clagg...

There’s global warming to think of here lad.... just sayin’.

Bullocks · 17-12-2019 11:56am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Too dangerous, someone would definitely freeze the tip off their Johnson and sue the company after.

Sharp MZ700 · 17-12-2019 12:00pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Too dangerous, someone would definitely freeze the tip off their Johnson and sue the company after.

Hmmm. Some kind of gauze or the cap improvised as a helmet I'm thinking. With a government health warning. RISK OF COCK ICE!

otis · 17-12-2019 12:00pm

Long time lurker, first time contributor to what is surely one of the most informative and useful threads on Boards.

Anyway, saw this earlier and immediately thought that is is rather apt for here, enjoy!

https://thegrandtourfans.com/james-may-on-the-wonder-of-japanese-toilets/?fbclid=IwAR2wWtRcGXBCTWA5uhQnOMjXPebeixq99T6MPWjC-AO_yXKbQmwyIK_FM2M

armaghlad · 17-12-2019 12:11pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just giving some practical advice on the lads problem.

I’m very aware of the issues involved here, paper thin cheap flimsy arse paper presented to clean up a ‘blown muzzle’.

Personally I would rather carry a contained unit home for ‘ re use ‘ than a hoop well crusted in chunky midden, and handing your skiddies to Mrs Armagh and saying ‘ Better give those a scrape of the big spatula before washing,love, and throw in an extra capsule while you are at it”

Then going up for a shower to try to shift the clagg...

There’s global warming to think of here lad.... just sayin’.

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 12:20pm

armaghlad wrote: »

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

A bit upset you are comparing me to that Spanish lad, I didn’t appreciate the dude either.

Always try to stay reasonably on topic.

I was just suggesting a solution to the lad, if he or she wasn’t happy with the suggestion, fair enough.

Just trying to help.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:29pm

armaghlad wrote: »

The thread title needs changed. It’s about etiquette. Not about carrying about a soiled rag to bring home to wash for re-use. Reprobate behaviour.

I didn't carry mine home, I put it in the jax bin.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:31pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Sounds great, but I'd be concerned about the energy requirements in freezing nitrogen.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:34pm

armaghlad wrote: »

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

ah come on now!!

It's a far cry from sh*ting in a tupperware container, freezing it and taking it into work to dispose of !!

Giving the tupper a quick rinse, and then using it to prepare prawns the following sunday for a garden party.

What's the etiquette here??

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