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my friends girlfriend

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  • 17-09-2020 3:47pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    ( we are all female)

    One of my closest friends started going out with a girl approx 3 years ago, They are very happy & this is it for them both, life partners, living together, talking about having kids etc.
    I was living in a different country for the first 2 years they were together, so only met the girlfriend a few times. She seems nice, they get on very well.

    We were away as a group for a few days recently, & I don't think that me & the girlfriend get on very well. We didn't have any falling out, but we are very different people, she definately doesn't like me much & I guess, she wouldn't be someone I would be friends with normally.

    My problem now is, I feel this will be the end of my friendship, I have friends with boyfriends & husbands, & some I like better then others, but get on fine with them. I always have time with my friends away from boyfriends & husbands. Because my friend & her girlfriend are both female, even 'girls get-togethers' include the girlfriend. She is a female & they go everywhere together. My friend wouldn't even think about not bringing her girlfriend to girly things.

    I don't even know what to do/say or even know what advise I am looking for!!
    But I really don't want to lose my friend because me & her girlfriend don't gel.........


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    #2
    JasonStatham
    Closed Accounts Posts: 548 ✭✭✭JasonStatham


    You know, you don't have to be mates with everyone in the world....some you can be indifferent to. This girlfriend's obviously a territorial witch - what are you going to do.

    Try to get quality time with your friend one on one. Like go to a cafe, or do something you're both interested in, but the gf isn't.

    Don't be pushy about it neither and don't have high expectations.


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    #3
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I don’t think she should bring her GF along just because it’s a friends night out who are all female. That changes the dynamic, if partners go - whether male or female.

    Having said that, it seems they have no separate social circles, and that’s how they live. I’ve never been a fan of that, sure it’s nice to be out in a group together with partners - but I think it’s a good thing to have separate solo social outings. I’d find it completely claustrophobic if every social meet-up I had was with my partner there too.

    It seems though that this is what they do, as in they come as a package. So I’d be polite and nice and all that, but wouldn’t overly engage with the GF. Maybe she picked up on you not liking her either, who knows. Unfortunately I don't know that there’s much you can do about it, other than being friendly but fully knowing you and the GF have differences.


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    #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Maybe up will grow on each other or develop common interests?

    These thing can take time. It was years before myself and my now brother in law actually got along beyond being polite to each other


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    #5
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    phoenix45 wrote: »
    But I really don't want to lose my friend because me & her girlfriend don't gel.........

    If you are right .....and the gf doesn't think you gel either ..she will prob say to your friend at some point ..'look i just don't like her why don't you hang out alone with her?'. That would solve everything wouldn't it?

    So just ..invite your friend alone.

    Personally i would think its weird to drag your partner to EVERY social thing you do.

    If they can't do that.

    Well you just have to move on. Maybe they will break up?

    Jason statham said something ....she is Territorial ...this is probably true. And its a HUGE hallmark of an insecure person. So be careful.



    But then i don't get the whole ...i have to be friends and remain friends with this one friend thing ....sometimes you grow apart in the people you hang with.

    I personally believe things happen for a reason.

    People grow in diff ways. Nothing meant for you will pass you by.

    If people change they do so for a reason.

    I don't get this idea that you have to be friends with your partners friends ...its a bit odd to me.


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    #6
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I don’t think she should bring her GF along just because it’s a friends night out who are all female. That changes the dynamic, if partners go - whether male or female.


    Im bi ..and i have a lot of lesbian friends..when i have dated girls this REALLY does happen.

    In fact all my mates when we meet up bring partners. But we actually DO get on. I like all of them.

    I don't think i would like to ever bring MY partner though.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unfortunately, we live & work in different parts of the country, so meet ups are usually trips away or staying at each others houses.
    They live together, so girlfriend will always be there, I can't invite my friend to my home without inviting the girlfriend, she will just ask me I'd she not invited or assume that she is.
    They come as a twosome Now.

    To the poster who said you do not have to stay friends with people, I want to stay friends with her, she is one of my closest friends & I don't want to lose our friendship because her girlfriend & I don't gel.
    It seems there is nothing I can do.


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    #8
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    I am male - have a male friend and I didn't get on with his gf when we were in our 20s or with his next gf when we were in our 30s (and they lived together and had a kid)

    I had to tell him that while I liked his girlfriends (I didn't - they were idiots), that it would be nice to see him alone sometimes. What used to bother me a lot was turning up to meet him for a pint or a coffee and the gf would be there too which changes the whole dynamic.

    And when he realised that I wanted to meet up just the 2 of us, we did that every so often.


    Anyway, he split with them and married a very nice person who I am happy to see - she has enough cop on (which they didn't - terratorial / he didn't because he was a bit of a pushover).



    It doesn't have to be the end of your friendship - it has altered it somewhat and you need to work around that. The best advice I can give is to have an honest chat with your friend if you think that it won't backfire - as in, you don't want her to go back to her gf and say "Mary wants to meet me without you because......." .


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    #9
    Batgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    Phoenix45 wrote: »
    Unfortunately, we live & work in different parts of the country, so meet ups are usually trips away or staying at each others houses.
    They live together, so girlfriend will always be there, I can't invite my friend to my home without inviting the girlfriend, she will just ask me I'd she not invited or assume that she is.
    They come as a twosome Now.

    To the poster who said you do not have to stay friends with people, I want to stay friends with her, she is one of my closest friends & I don't want to lose our friendship because her girlfriend & I don't gel.
    It seems there is nothing I can do.

    Sadly, there is nothing you can do OP.

    If your mate is now only offering friendship on the contingency that you include her gf, then that’s her prerogative. Sadly you can’t control that, only she can. You can choose not to accept it of course, but sounds like you don’t want to.

    I do wonder though; you are basing your dislike on a couple of days in this persons company and a difference of personalities. It doesn’t really sound like you’ve made much of an effort. I don’t particularly like some of my OH’s friends and I know they don’t particularly like me but we make an effort with each other because it means a lot to my OH. Do you think you could do the same?


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are you jealous? Sounds like a possibility. Have you a partner of own?


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Definitely not jealous, I'm not a jealous person at all. I guess I got on really well with her last girlfriend, so it didn't matter so much that she was there all the time.

    I feel awkward now with her new girlfriend, because it's obvious I'm not her type of person, she made a few comments. She's not my type either.

    I will make an effort, of course I will. But we will probably see each other much less now, as like I said, I feel awkward in her company.


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    #12
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    I don't find being in the same room as someone i don't particularly like to be much of a problem personally. You don't have to be friends with this person. In fact i would keep social interactions to perfunctory topics, and civil enquiries.

    As long as she is not actively trying to break up your friendship there really isn't too much of an issue here, nor a reason you should lose your friendship.

    You bite your tongue, be well mannered and don't have too many unnecessary interactions. Politeness greases the wheels.

    It appears to me that you want your friend to exclude her partner from your social interactions. EG choose between you and her. Don't do that. Don't force a choice.


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    #13
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    Are you awkred around them because
    it is a lesbian relationship or dis you hve underlying feelings for your friend that her gf has picked up on and seen as a threat or because your non sexual friendship with your friend is seen as a threat to their relationship? Girls are very jealous creatures.

    Either way we all have friends whose partners for whatever reason we’re not that keen on. I find a good trick is to see
    if you can focus your nights out on girls only ie no partners drinkies - much harder as she is a girl! Or larger group affairs where you win’t be just them and you as the gooseberry or something themed in neutral ground where you go to a gig or concert or theatre or something where you can then keep the topics neutral and have less opportunity for issues.

    Its always harder when a friend becomes a couple regardless of sex and it becomes a them and you thing. Covis isn’t helping either as you cant stay over in a B&B. Maybe just givenit some time and focus on texting or social media not meeting aNd it may yet come
    right when they are less in the first flourish of love.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    JustAThought wrote: »
    Are you awkred around them because
    it is a lesbian relationship or dis you hve underlying feelings for your friend that her gf has picked up on and seen as a threat or because your non sexual friendship with your friend is seen as a threat to their relationship? Girls are very jealous creatures.
    .

    Ah god no! I have no issue with them being gay!
    I got on very well with her ex girlfriend, I feel awkward because this girlfriend doesn't like me.

    Maybe I'm just not explaining very well. I'll just have to see how it goes......


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    #15
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    It happens you know. Not everyone likes each other.

    When its the partner of a good friend, you can decide to rise above it and just be polite and civil to each other and still see your friend OR distance yourself from the friendship because you dont like the partner.

    Sometimes over time, if both of you are mature and civil about it, you can grow to tolerate each other and "get along" superficially.

    It only really becomes an issue if you and the new partner become jealous of each other and the time spent with the person you have in common. Of if one of you tries to turn the person in common against the other.

    Some people cant stand not to be liked. Others just get along with it knowing you cant be universally liked.


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