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Housemate excludes me when she's talking

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  • 17-09-2020 1:06pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I live with 2 girls. One of them I've lived with quite a while, the other moved in about 3 months ago.

    She's nice and we get on fine, she mainly does her own thing, but on two occassions now when the 3 of us are doing something (like watching a movie or eating take away) she directs her conversation only to my other housemate. When she speaks she only looks at her, not me.

    Even if I directly ask her a question, she'll respond looking at my other housemate.

    It sounds silly but it's actually quite hurtful, it leaves me feeling very excluded wondering what I've done wrong.

    We're different people; she's quite rational and works in science in a lab, I work with people and I guess you could class me as more the spiritual type. On occasion she has sort of scoffed at things I've said I'm interested in. So I don't know if the difference in personalities is what it comes down to? Maybe she doesn't respect what she views as wishy washy pseudoscience? Even still though, why would you exclude someone for this?

    I know I shouldn't care but it's not a nice feeling and I'm trying to figure out what would cause someone to do this.


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    #2
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    What would cause it? Well, it sounds like she has written you off as uninteresting. She probably has that bias, based on the pseudoscience leaning...

    I'll admit, I sometimes do this, I'm very much past humoring someone of that leaning these days. If someone starts talking about their healing crystal collection, I wrap that conversation up pretty quickly and start talking to someone else instead.
    I used to nod along, getting annoyed in my head, but now I just exit.

    She's probably not even aware of it.

    However, if you have the confidence , it might be worth making her aware of it. Just at the time, I wouldn't harp back over old slights... but just the next time she does it, say, Hey, I'm over here... or, jokingly "are you ignoring me , haha"


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    #3
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    id try not to focus on one narrow aspect of each of your behavioural traits and just try talking about things ye couldnt clash over


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    id try not to focus on one narrow aspect of each of your behavioural traits and just try talking about things ye couldnt clash over

    We actually do talk about a huge range of things.

    I just noticed for example when my other housemate asked if I had any plans coming up and I mentioned "I'm off to a reiki workshop!" She seemed to scoff at it and started talking about how reiki likely only produces a placebo effect. My response was that yeah that could be the case, who knows, but that I was excited to give it a go.

    So it's not even a clash really, it's just the only thing I can think of that would cause her to exclude me like this. Because everything else is fine.


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    #5
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,444 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    If you are the one asking a question, and she directs her answer to the other person, just say something like 'I asked you that'.

    Other than that, I would just accept that you have different personalities, different interests and keep the atmosphere cordial but nothing more.


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    #6
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,216 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Someone that works in a lab will not want to listen to pseudoscience of any sort. The fact you buy into this stuff is probably very insulting to someone with a scientific background that spent years studying their field.


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    #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    Someone that works in a lab will not want to listen to pseudoscience of any sort. The fact you buy into this stuff is probably very insulting to someone with a scientific background that spent years studying their field.

    This is nonsense, we all have a right to our own separate interests without being purposefully excluded because of it. Reiki also has a body of research in support of its benefits growing behind it.

    OP she doesn’t sound like a very nice person to me, usually people know when they’re excluding a person and there’s no need for it.

    Keep things friendly but maybe keep a distance.


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    #8
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,927 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Despite someone's profession, for someone to ask you a question and you direct your answer to someone else is the height of rudeness in my book.

    You are who you are and she is who she is. But you're under the same roof, so I'd expect a bit of common courtesy tbh. To scoff at you because you're doing reiki, or anything else you're interested in is petty and there's no need for it. She doesn't have to like what you chose to do with your time, but she doesn't have to remark on it either.

    It really sounds like her problem, but I can see how it's making things awkward. If she feels compelled to remark on your hobbies, you could pick your battles there, but if she spoke over you to someone else, I would absolutely point it out when it happens.


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    #9
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    Someone that works in a lab will not want to listen to pseudoscience of any sort. The fact you buy into this stuff is probably very insulting to someone with a scientific background that spent years studying their field.

    In other words, you're saying that this scientific person lacks emotional intelligence and cannot put principles before personalities.

    I came across these numpties before who think because they're supposedly academically more advanced than people around them, and seem to have no real friends amyhow.

    You should start burning sage and have woo music in the background, and doing ritual's etc..

    Mention that you're heading out some evening to the woods looking for Sasquatch and Hobbit's etc

    If you're happy with your lifestyle, and you're not bothering anyone.

    I think you can turn it around and say to yourself you don't need validation from this wretched woman.
    And ignore her...


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    #10
    BnB
    Registered Users Posts: 1,079 ✭✭✭BnB


    Deleted User wrote: »
    This is nonsense, we all have a right to our own separate interests without being purposefully excluded because of it. Reiki also has a body of research in support of its benefits growing behind it.

    Everyone does have a right to their own interests, but I think, if someone told me that they were into Reki or any of that kind of stuff, I would probably write them off in my own head. I'm not justifying it as I know it's not good to be so judgmental about people, but you can't control what happens in your own head either.

    Doesn't mean I would be rude to them or anything like that, but I probably just wouldn't take them seriously, which then may come across as being rude.

    I have got better as I have got older and have chilled out a bit to just accept some people are just into some daft stuff, but when I was younger I would probably have been rude about it.


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    #11
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    It is completely disrespectful and you have a right to be offended. But the best thing about this is that she is only a flat mate so she is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. There is three ways that you can go. (I’d personally go with number three)

    Option 1 when alone mention how you feel and see if it can be reconciled.

    Option 2 call her out for doing it in company

    Option 3 don’t engage with her or give her the opportunity to ignore you.

    If the other person is not uncomfortable with what is happening, then this is also an issue.


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    #12
    bobbyy gee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,306 ✭✭✭bobbyy gee


    ignore her ignoring you
    get on with your life


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    #13
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    BnB wrote: »
    Everyone does have a right to their own interests, but I think, if someone told me that they were into Reki or any of that kind of stuff, I would probably write them off in my own head. I'm not justifying it as I know it's not good to be so judgmental about people, but you can't control what happens in your own head either.

    Doesn't mean I would be rude to them or anything like that, but I probably just wouldn't take them seriously, which then may come across as being rude.

    I have got better as I have got older and have chilled out a bit to just accept some people are just into some daft stuff, but when I was younger I would probably have been rude about it.

    Have to admit that I’d be the same, but less so as o get older.

    A friend of a friend talked about ‘parking angels’, and I laughed a lot. Like roared laughing. To be fair, I’d never heard of people believing in angels other than the standard school religion stuff. I thought she was joking. Turns out not. She makes it fairly clear that she can’t stand me since. I wasn’t deliberately making fun of her, I just thought she was very obviously joking. (And I did apologise)

    I’d be a lot more careful now, but if someone talked about crystals or spirit animals or stuff like that, I just could not engage in a conversation like that. So I guess my question is do you do that? But! - does she talk about her lab work and expect you to be interested?? Cos if she does that, well I guess I could say it makes logical sense - but is hypocritical.

    I’m not a scientist, but I’d be into the science, maths, logical stuff, and I’d find it really hard to engage with anyone about what I view as ‘woo’. What do you mean by pseudo science? To me science is evidence based - so I’m not understanding what your beliefs are - or how much of them you say to her. In my very literal mind, science is very black and white, so to me there is no such thing as pseudo science. Maybe your housemate feels the same. There’s a difference between ignoring your interests when you speak of them (hobbies etc), and ignoring conversations about astrology and alien landings (to use flaky examples). Only you know where her border is, and where you fall on the ‘pseudoscience’. Maybe you’re just really incompatible as friends or housemates.


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    #14
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Just tell her the truth.

    Say hi 'sara' listen I know you might think i am silly ...but i have a good heart. I want to get on with you and be the best room mate i can to you. Can we get on?


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    #15
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    Just tell her the truth.

    Say hi 'sara' listen I know you might think i am silly ...but i have a good heart. I want to get on with you and be the best room mate i can to you. Can we get on?

    The op does say that they get on fine and this lack of eye contact has only happened on 2 occasions. Saying what you suggest could be a it much. Also, like it or not, housemates are just that. It’s great if they are friends but they don’t have to be. Civility is all that’s required.

    It could be better if you organised a board game so that it’s required to be in eye contact. But honestly, if it’s not there, may be better to play it cool.


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    #16
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    joeguevara wrote: »
    The op does say that they get on fine and this lack of eye contact has only happened on 2 occasions. Saying what you suggest could be a it much. Also, like it or not, housemates are just that. It’s great if they are friends but they don’t have to be. Civility is all that’s required.

    It could be better if you organised a board game so that it’s required to be in eye contact. But honestly, if it’s not there, may be better to play it cool.
    If its just eye contact what is the big deal??

    Some people are not great at eye contact or intimidated by it. I mean its not like you have to be super intimidate with your room mate?


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    #17
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    She sounds ignorant and rude. Having difference of opinion doesn’t give you the right to be a prick.


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    #18
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,510 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    So this has happened twice in three months? I'm sorry but you're being overly sensitive.


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    #19
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Irrespective of her profession, scientific or otherwise, basis manners would dictate that she at least pretend to listen to you and direct any questions or answers to your face as need be.

    She sounds insecure and could be one of those people who ends up breaking up a flat share friendship.


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    #20
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    OP, **** her. She's totally irrelevant, I've seen that happen to me and have seen it done to others.

    Look at it this way; do you really want to be friends with someone like that?

    Be respectful and courteous, business like, important to be the bigger person here.


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    #21
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    She sounds rude.


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    #22
    Ellie2008
    Registered Users Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    Deleted User wrote: »
    She sounds rude.
    Potatoeman wrote: »
    Someone that works in a lab will not want to listen to pseudoscience of any sort. The fact you buy into this stuff is probably very insulting to someone with a scientific background that spent years studying their field.

    Having a science degree doesn’t give anyone a licence to be rude or arrogant for that matter. How someone being spiritual is personally insulting to someone with a science degree is beyond me.

    OP she sounds rude & possibly she had dismissed you as not her type. Don’t get too caught up it in, she’s just a housemate, they come & go.


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    #23
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    I go with the suggestion , if she does it again, call her out on it immmediately. But don't show any anger or being hurt.

    Like smiling at her and saying: Hey, I asked you that, why do you respond to 'fill in name'..? Say it in a way you are not taking her very serious either with this behaviour, like scoffing too about it like she's done it with you. I think rude and arrogant people like this always need a dose of their own medicine, no other way of making them aware and even with this she might not change but you showed self respect and did all you could to call her out on her rudeness.


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    #24
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Honestly ...as you have seen op ..ignoring someone is the epic revenge ...stop noticing her.


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    #25
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    Honestly ...as you have seen op ..ignoring someone is the epic revenge ...stop noticing her.


    I agree in general, but they live under the same roof, makes it a bit difficult and unpleasant to constantly ignore a flatmate.. They sometimes sit in the living room watching tv all together...

    OP, are you getting on well with your other flatmate? What's her opinion about it? Another good way would be talking to her and asking if she could say something like the sentence I mentioned above. So she sees her attitude isn't approved by your flatmate either.


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