How to tell boyfriend about difficult relationship with mother

LegacyUser · 22-01-2021 10:19am #1

Hi all. I’m 33 and have been going out with an amazing guy for over 5 months. We are so happy together and he has told me he loves me and vice versa. I am so happy with him. We have so much fun together, we are on the same wavelength and even in lockdown not being able to do much, we are still enjoying every minute of our relationship.

I have my own house (living alone) and he comes over 2 or 3 times a week. We are getting to the stage that when lockdown is eased/lifted we will probably meet each other’s parents. His parents know about me but mine don’t know about him. My issue is that my mother and my father to a lesser extent have made my life extremely difficult and upsetting and I’m not sure how to tell him this.

I have a good job, lots of friends and am generally very happy in life. I am independent as I bought this house on my own and after living at home for a year, the difference having my independence has made is unbelievable. So just to fill you in on some things my mother has done/said to me.
She is a perfectionist and if something as simple as chopping vegetables isn’t done her way she criticises. She has also been extremely abusive towards me in the past, losing her head over little to nothing and when I was no bigger than a size ten, I was told I was fat and useless and once I was pushed onto my bed and she screamed in my face asking why I was so fat.

I suffer from poor circulation and one time years ago I filled a basin with hot water to put my feet into them to warm up. The water was a bit hot so I took out my feet in order to get colder water and she came at me with a wooden spoon hitting me with it to put my feet back in. When I was upset after this experience she roared and shouted at me saying I was horrible and I had no reason to cry and she asked if I was pregnant.

Herself and my Dad are constantly at each other’s throats. She is never wrong and he is always right. She had a stroke years ago and I was blamed for it and she said if she ever had another one she would have security at the door and wouldn’t let me into the hospital. She ruined my brothers wedding and the lead up to it. A good friend offered to come to the afters with me as she felt my Mam would ease off me if I was around people. She roared and shouted the whole way to the church in the car saying we bullied her into buying her outfit and she’d never forgive us for it.

When there is events or people are around she is in great form and you’d never believe the person she is. She cried when I moved into my new house and I felt nothing, no pity for her as it was a bit confusing to me why she was crying when she has been the most hurtful horrible person to me at times.

I will say that when she is in good form and doesn’t have these episodes she is fine. We can actually have a conversation and she can be perfectly nice. I have read up on it and it seems to me that she suffers with her mental health and when she has episodes all sense of reason and rationality go out the window. I do feel quite sorry for her as it must be awful to have to feel like this and I am respectful of her privacy. One friend of mine knows how bad it can get as I feel my mother has a right to her privacy for whatever she is suffering through. I have gone down the road of suggesting she gets help but she doesn’t believe there is even a problem.

A couple of years ago she started accusing me of lying and that all my so called friends laugh at me behind my back and getting tired of this I told her it wasn’t right or fair to speak to me like that and I didn’t come home for 6 weeks. I had voicemails begging me to come home and saying my father would be so upset if I didn’t. I held firm and since then, she has improved towards me.

Despite all this, we don’t have much of a relationship. I would never go to her if I had a problem. I don’t even do certain jobs or discuss my life with her as I’ve learned the hard way she will just criticise and say I can’t do anything properly. To summarise I have lived a life where in her dark periods I was subject to verbal abuse and emotional abuse on a regular basis. It affected me a lot in my younger years and I became very anxious and started believing that I had no friends. If I came across anyone that wasn’t very nice I constantly blamed myself. I spent a lot of time on my own as it was where I felt safest. I was on medication for 6 months when my anxiety became really bad as a result of another one of her episodes.

I know at some stage I have to tell my boyfriend this. I told him one story about her behaviour one Christmas and that was the reason I don’t really like to celebrate Christmas but he doesn’t know that it has probably been her behaviour for 27/28 out of the 33 Christmasses I have had.
I don’t know how it where to start. I’m not worried about how she will act towards him as she is nicer to other people than her own family. I know I will probably cry when I’m telling him as I cry every time I think of some of the awful things she has said/done. I notice myself that I psych myself up when I call home (not very often) and my mood isn’t great for a few days afterwards. My parents still fighting in their late 70s still upsets me and drains me.

How do I tell him this or where do I start? I love this man so much and for the first time in my life I think I know what genuine love is and for that I am so thankful. I just don’t know how to go about telling him. A tiny part of me is worried that he will see it as a reflection on me and that he might start wondering if I will turn out like my mother or something. Any tips would be great.

Magicmatilda · 22-01-2021 11:11am

Hey,
So I also have a difficult relationship with my family of origin. Similarly for very valid reasons. Btw your mother sounds abusive.
I met a lovely man and like you I was scared to open up. But the thing about relationships is that to be truly intimate we have to risk vulnerability, which is hard for most but especially for you as your mother is so intolerant of vulnerability (probably her own too, but that's her stuff). For that reason I had to open up to my partner, I also cried when doing it. He understood, he hugged me and he didn't blame me. If you boyfriend is a good guy and it sounds like he is then give him the chance to support you.

If I can see why you would have a difficult relationship with this woman from one post then trust he will from a conversation. You have done so much to recover from her abuse and create a nice life for yourself. I have no doubt each step was tough. This is the next step in your growth, to add a new layer to that nice life you are creating.

Of course there is a risk he will run a mile, but really its a tiny risk and if he does then you know he was not the guy and that was not love. You say you believe it is love, so have faith in that belief and trust him. It will really deepen your relationship if you do.

Caranica · 22-01-2021 11:35am

There is no rush to meet the parents, especially if yours aren't a major part of your life. Personally I'd delay it for at least another year, see where the relationship goes.

Jequ0n · 22-01-2021 12:20pm

Why would you even want to add this unnecessary stress to your life?
You are under no obligation to “combine” your personal life with your parents, it’s not like you live at home.

I’d keep them apart, simply because your mother sounds like the vindictive type who is likely to damage your relationship.

There is no need to tell your partner details it you are uncomfortable with them. Just tell him that your parents are not good for you and that you try to keep your distance to them.

bitofabind · 22-01-2021 12:24pm

Your mother is an abusive bully. There are probably big reasons for this, no doubt mental health issues at play.

You are not accountable or responsible for your mother's abusive behaviour. Read that carefully and read it again. She was the one person whose job it was to protect you, cherish you and look out for you, and she failed on every front. That is not a reflection on you in any way, shape or form. It is her cross to bear. You had no hand here in any of the abuse you have suffered, it was just bad luck that someone this toxic and destructive was your own mother.

The thing about our family of origin is that we don't get to choose them and the dynamic we have with them rarely changes. If your mother was a friend who became abusive like this, you'd ditch her and move on with your life. But she's your mother, so you've had to learn how to live and survive and land on your own two feet while dealing with the wounding and pain of having such an unsupportive parent. Well done you for creating the boundaries that you have - I'm so glad you got out of there, I'm so glad you've learned only to engage when you have to. Well done for finding independence, stability, success, and now a loving and supportive partner without any support or help from the person that was supposed to guide you but had absolutely no business being a parent.

You deserve a better mother, but you didn't get the mother you deserve and that's life. The good news is that now you get to choose your family, and it sounds like you've got a good headstart with this new man who loves and respects and appreciates you. Now your family of origin can become background noise, like they do for many/most of us as life progresses. Now your mother can become someone you tolerate once or twice a year as needed.

As to the advice you're looking for. I'll say two things that might help with having this conversation. 1. It's incredibly common to have dysfunction in your family like this. This is most families, in one way or another. In my family, it's a severely mentally ill sibling and another sibling who's a borderline narcissist. Being the middle child has taken its toll on me. The folks across the street have a tragic suicide in their family, my best friend's husband didn't introduce her for about a year because of his alcoholic abusive father. I don't say this to trivialise your situation, but to express that this is common.

And 2. not your fault. None of it is your fault. It's a "good for you for surviving" situation. If someone I loved told me about this kind of trauma and pain at the hands of the person that's supposed to love them most, I'd feel incredible sadness but also respect and admiration. Well done you. You're normal, healthy, compassionate, you care about people. You're able to love without being abusive.

When I was explaining my own family situation to my boyfriend, I just kept the language simple. "I want to talk to you a little about my family. It's a hard subject for me so I might get a bit emotional, but I'm ok. Basically, my older sister has a severe mental illness and there's a lot of family trauma attached to that, so that's something you'll see when you meet them..." etc. It's ok to get emotional, it's ok to not have the perfect explanation, remember that this man loves you and you're safe with him. And none of this stuff is a reflection on you.

Finally, I know it's cookie cutter advice around here but I think in this case it's really worth thinking about finding a therapist to work through this trauma with. Separating the abuse from who you are and what you are worth is so key for you, as you've been through a lot going right back to your childhood. Resolving decades-old family stuff has been the biggest game-changer in my life to date. I even attribute meeting my current partner to it, as I learned so much about what I need, what I'm worth, and how to love from it.

Best of luck. It'll be fine and will bring you closer together, I promise.

YellowLead · 22-01-2021 12:50pm

Hi OP,

Some great advice in previous posts.

I think if you are both on the same page and consider this to be going somewhere - it’s a big part of your life not to share with him.

Don’t worry about getting upset etc., that’s natural and he won’t hold that against you if he loves you - it will prob bring you closer.

I would say tell him, but also tell him you are not ready for him to meet your family just yet. I don’t see the need to introduce him to your mother at this stage given that could be traumatic in itself - one step at a time. But you will feel better having shared this with him.

wiggle16 · 22-01-2021 8:02pm

bitofabind wrote: »

Best of luck. It'll be fine and will bring you closer together, I promise.

Seconded.

My ex had an awful home life growing up and a difficult relationship with his mother (compulsive liar, compulsive thief, substance abuse, you name it) and when he finally told me about the extent of it, all I could think of doing was giving him the biggest hug.

No one worth being with will do any differently. Tell him on your own terms and when you're ready, but don't be afraid of telling him. It's no reflection on you whatsoever.

LegacyUser · 22-01-2021 10:20pm

Your mam is a classic narcissist by sound of things. She's probably jealous of you. Your boyfriend won't care, not everyone has the ideal family set up. Most have few skeletons in the closet.

bertiebomber · 22-01-2021 10:52pm

Keep it all away from your relationship keep your happiness a secret for yourself . Families especially dysfunctional ones destroy each others happiness & relationships ( i have seen this first hand ) because they can. Please do heed my advice there are toxic mothers out there and while they think they are great they dont even realize how horrible they are to their daughters. Your parents dont need to meet your lovely partner yet leave it for another while and even then do it in a small cafe or restaurant a lunch where they have to behave once done then you need only repeat 2/ 3 times per year max.

qwerty13 · 23-01-2021 2:02am

There’s been such good advice here already, but I just wanted to add:
1) just because you meet his parents doesn’t mean that he has to meet yours
2) if he’s a genuine and decent person, talking to him about this will be ok. And it’s ok to do that at your pace, and not get into all the details up front
3) he may not know how to react - I think there’s some scenarios regarding family that unless you’ve lived it, people (with probably the best of intentions) come out with platitudes that can be quite hurtful. They just don’t get it because they’re applying their vision of their family to your situation
4) just because your family are your biological family does not mean that you have to let them fully into your life. You can maintain a lesser but civil/ok relationship at a bit of a distance

I’d keep on living your happy independent life, enjoying your new relationship, and would not involve your family at all. I wouldn’t even make them aware of your relationship tbh - you know there’ll be ‘helpful’ comments made, and offence taken if you are less than on board with the ‘helpful’ comments. I think talking to a professional about your family life is a good idea - that stuff influences so much about what we view as our ‘norms’, or acceptable standards. Or indeed things that trigger high levels of upset.

It sounds like you’re in a very good place in your own life right now OP. My overriding thoughts are not to let your mother intrude on that happiness.

PS: my own situation has some similarities to yours, but I’ve only recently realised why some scenarios make me lose my temper. Which I never really understood, because I’m not hot headed at all. The lightbulb moment for me was when I realised the things that were constantly said and done in my childhood, and how when I perceive a similar situation happening that I overreact. That was an eye opener for me. That took a while of talking to a professional to see that. I’m slowly working on it, but a sniff of controlling criticism and my temper just wants to explode. Ironically enough, I have never been able to say any of that to the person who always treated me like that. But 5 minutes of that from someone else, and I’m very angry.

So I think it’s worth considering talking to a professional OP. Don’t let the mean and nasty treatment of your past influence your future.

Church on Tuesday · 23-01-2021 7:25pm

I have been the BF in this situation before OP. If you feel the need to tell him that your mother is an emotionally abusive bully, and make no mistake this is what she is, I am sure he will be understanding, will see it for himself and be there for you because he loves you.

As for you mother, continue to have as much distance between you both as you can without it causing any drama. You are your own person so she doesn't need to know everything about your adult life and who you are seeing because, trust me, she most likely will never approve just to be awkward and will create any amounts of drama to your relationship, just because.

Live your life on your terms OP, wish you both the best of luck.

How to tell boyfriend about difficult relationship with mother

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