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Child's Birthday

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  • 10-05-2021 12:38pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Myself and my wife split up over the last year. We have kids together who are still young (under 10).

    This year my wife has said that she will miss my son's birthday and it's left me a bit stunned. The reason is that she had always made the biggest deal of their birthdays and Christmas or any occasions like that. To be fair, she always did the work on presents and stuff but we both always said that we'd never miss a birthday unless it was completely unavoidable.

    Anyway, our son's birthday is not until months away. My wife will have the kids the week before for a few days for summer holidays but she's told me she won't be here on his his birthday as she's booked a weekend away with friends. She said she'll celebrate his birthday during that break.

    I was stunned because she's always made such a fuss about them before. Am I right to be surprised or do people think this is ok?

    Ultimately, it's not my call and I don't have any control over it and little input. We're split up so she's answerable only to herself and she'll have to explain it to him.


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    #2
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    SingleDad72 wrote: »
    Myself and my wife split up over the last year. We have kids together who are still young (under 10).

    This year my wife has said that she will miss my son's birthday and it's left me a bit stunned. The reason is that she had always made the biggest deal of their birthdays and Christmas or any occasions like that. To be fair, she always did the work on presents and stuff but we both always said that we'd never miss a birthday unless it was completely unavoidable.

    Anyway, our son's birthday is not until months away. My wife will have the kids the week before for a few days for summer holidays but she's told me she won't be here on his his birthday as she's booked a weekend away with friends. She said she'll celebrate his birthday during that break.

    I was stunned because she's always made such a fuss about them before. Am I right to be surprised or do people think this is ok?

    Ultimately, it's not my call and I don't have any control over it and little input. We're split up so she's answerable only to herself and she'll have to explain it to him.

    How old is the child?

    I don't think it matters. I have always moved the celebrations of my own kids birthdays to days that suit. The kids don't seem to mind once they get the cake and presents.

    Whatever you do, don't make a big deal of it to your son.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    eviltwin wrote: »
    How old is the child?

    I don't think it matters. I have always moved the celebrations of my own kids birthdays to days that suit. The kids don't seem to mind once they get the cake and presents.

    Whatever you do, don't make a big deal of it to your son.

    He's coming towards 10.

    I wouldn't in a million years mention it to him. That'd be point scoring at his expense which I've no interest in doing. I wouldn't even say it to my ex wife as it'd just cause an argument and she isn't going to change it anyway.


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    #4
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    its likely your son might be a little disappointed and you may have to be careful with how you both frame this.

    But if you make sure he has a special day, and mum celebrates with him too he will have a good time, and get 2 birthday celebrations instead of one. Kids are very adaptable, and this could be presented as a double celebration rather than 'mum wont be coming!'

    You have plenty of notice and can make this work. i suspect the real problem is not going to be with your son, it is that you yourself are disappointed. Again its understandable, but as she is a good parent, and according to you she pulls her weight with presents etc. Its not unreasoble that things like this occur. She's given you loads of notice too.

    So dont let any of your own disappointment apparent; and make the best of it for the same of your kids happiness and your co-parenting arrangements which have been successful so far.


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    #5
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users Posts: 3,967 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    There will come a time where you need her to be flexible when you want to go away with the lads or something else. Chances are your son will be fine with it. Make a fuss of the day with them. Let your ex know if anything changes she's welcome to join you. What about the Grandparents will they want to see them?


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    #6
    mohawk
    Registered Users Posts: 1,781 ✭✭✭mohawk


    Hi OP, think of this as an opportunity for your relationship with your children. You get to make memories on his birthday with him. I am sure his mother will make a fuss of him too.
    Is it possible that you relied on your ex to make birthdays and Christmas special for the kids? You have loads of time to plan his birthday.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    mohawk wrote: »
    Hi OP, think of this as an opportunity for your relationship with your children. You get to make memories on his birthday with him. I am sure his mother will make a fuss of him too.
    Is it possible that you relied on your ex to make birthdays and Christmas special for the kids? You have loads of time to plan his birthday.

    If I'm being honest she always did most of the work around their birthdays and stuff which is why I'm so surprised but, from the replies here, seems it's not a massive deal.

    Thanks everyone.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Perhaps it’s an opportunity for you to do the work

    Mod note

    Let's keep to helpful comments.

    Rubberchikken


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    #9
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’d imagine she came to the realisation that not every birthday / Christmas can or should be celebrated with both parents present (there may be other partners, or indeed other children in your futures), so your ex is trying to set the expectations for that early on - and possibly has deliberately arranged something for herself on that date.

    There could also be a touch of her being fed up that she has had to do the vast majority of the work to make birthdays / Christmas special, and isn’t prepared to continue to shoulder the burden for that now that you’ve split. She’s given you lots of notice, so it’s up to you to sort things out from your end. I presume she’ll have a separate celebration in or around the date itself.


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    #10
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Yep, I agree with other posters. I think she is laying the ground rules for your future together as separated parents. Her doing all the work to arrange birthday parties, Christmas presents etc is not an option anymore. You need to step up and start getting more involved.

    Separated parents often agree to every second year. This year is your opportunity to arrange a birthday party for him to include your family, his friends etc and she will do a smaller thing with him the week before.

    It all sounds perfectly reasonable to be honest.


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