Slagging could lose it all

LegacyUser · 28-03-2020 12:37am #1

I'm with my now wife over 10 years (married one) 2 small kids,house everything perfect, except me.

I love my wife to bits, we trust each other 100%, I'd never dream of being unfaithful (likewise from her) we have a super relationship and would never hold each other back from going places or doing things.. case in point ( she hates flying so is letting me go away for a week with my friends in the summer) ... yes she's that amazing

She is an amazing mother, wife and I couldnt ask for more, I do surprise her, bring her to places she wants to go that sde of it is great.

But even with all that the problem is me.

I joke about everything, I cant help it, if it's around my wife, my friends my work mates I joke. 90% is joking at not at anything specifically (not to blow my horn but i always get told to go into comedy) but it's the 10% that goes to far. I suppose its slagging in some instances. But really I cant help it.

And I really need to help it, I know my wife cant take much more of it. It's not all the time, it's not constant, me and my wife joke alot, it's apart of us and we are a really funny couple and I love to make her smile. Just some days my joke would just be absolutely thick and I wonder what the hell did you say that for!

(Personality wise) im loyal sincere emotional guy, very loving to my kids, I have never took drugs, and I'm actually a really good listener so it's not like I'm a bouncing bunny or anything.

(Its crazy these traits would be the total opposite to who I am)

If I'm with my friends, there are times I keep going not thinking of anyone but myself to get another laugh. It's like I dont stop until someone says it and when they do I'm sincerely sorry about it, but I need to be told is the issue

I'll save 10 posts and say it... I'm a prcik (I know this)

I say everything for the laugh (or the new term "banter" )

I know work(formal setting),friends,wife are all used to it a but eventually it will be the one that goes to far and I know all 3 will come crashing down.

Maybe I guess I'm spoiled(not in a money way) and assume everything to be ok but I know it wont. 1 wrong thing and my friends could turn, workplace would raise eyebrows, the wife finally goes.

I cant help what comes out. A few seconds after I say it I think ..why cant you contain yourself and this isnt even as jokes, sometimes I could be chatting to a friend and I might say something about me or my family (as chit chat not a joke), maybe not even personal but no need to say it and again a few seconds later I'm like why did you say that.

My wife and I joke that maybe Iv ADD/big polar or the likes and maybe I do?

But this needs to stop. I'm tired of it.

Again to save posts of people name calling (I know pot kettle)...I know what's wrong with me...I know what I am and I'm sick of it, I get it, I'm not a professional comedian

The past week iv been putting up stuff on social media to be the funny guy, its weird.

I know some of you might say its insecurity and maybe it is, but I can honestly say im not sure of what?

I just want to know where do I go from here? Is it a doctor is it counselling? Can I take tablets to stop my brain doing this.

Iv tried to make a promise to myself the past few days to stop. Iv remove social media from my phone, ignore the whatsapp groups unless the post is directly at me.

Im just sick of being that guy.

God that was long, sorry.

hawley · 28-03-2020 12:00pm

You just need to know what not to joke about. If you're able to read people's body language, you'll know if something makes them feel uncomfortable or angry. Maybe try to put together a list of things certain people don't like mentioned or are sensitive about and try to keep these in mind. You seem like a lovely guy, even a few small changes would make a difference. You should continue posting away online, you obviously get a kick out of it. You could say that I'm going to go offline every Saturday and Sunday if you want a bit of a break from it. You're not going to be able to change everything about yourself, just try to make small changes and see how it goes.

Faith · 28-03-2020 8:17pm

I wonder if you feel comfortable communicating your feelings ordinarily? Are you the type of person who can say “this is how I’m feeling”, particularly when it’s a negative feeling or one that might hurt someone else?

My sense is that you use humor to cope with emotions, and this leads to real things spilling over in the guise of “comedy” because you have no other way of getting it out. I know someone who does this. For the life of him, he can’t talk about how he really feels. He’d never give out, but he’d say something as a “joke” that’s extremely passive-aggressive, like “Oh look at you there having a grand rest while I’m working me arse off in the garden, isn’t that lovely!”. What he really means is “Can you help me with the garden” but he just doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings clearly and directly. Would this be something you might experience?

Tork · 28-03-2020 9:59pm

I think getting some professional help would be helpful here. For obvious reasons it's not the best time to be going looking for face to face help but maybe you might be able to get some therapy over the phone. Give your GP a ring and see if they can advise you about what to do next.

It is good that you recognise that your constant joking is a problem. I used to work with a man who was forever cracking jokes. He probably still is. After a while, everyone got sick of him and would try to avoid having to deal with him if they could. It gets tiring very quickly. He was a nice man and I think his home life wasn't too good. Maybe that was why he became the class clown.

leggo · 29-03-2020 1:51am

Yeah this is an issue where you’ll need to talk to professionals. One way is to lose what sounds like a pretty sweet life and for their kids to lose having their father around, so when it’s bothering your wife to the point that that’s in play, then chatting to someone for an hour once a week for a while really isn’t a big ask.

CBT could be a really good outlet for this because that focuses on specific behaviours and thought patterns then teaches you how to catch yourself and re-evaluate. Tbh it sounds like exactly what you need here, but going for one session will get you in the room with someone who deals with this stuff professionally, and if it doesn’t do the trick then they’ll at least be able to evaluate you and point you in the right direction. The lockdown will obviously put that on hold, but in the meantime you can do some research, make some calls and show your wife you’re taking real steps to address this.

I feel for you OP. I know some people like this and it’s very much like a damaging addiction at the extreme end, they can let their lives, careers and interests dwindle because they’re addicted to the quick validation of (an ultimately meaningless) laugh or like on social media and spend an inordinate amount of their day focused on this. If you were to confront them, they’d ask what the harm is, but the problem I see with it is that when you’re focused on this you can’t be focused on things that make an actual difference. You already have the important stuff in place, so losing that will be a hundred times more painful, and think of how empty and pointless it’d be to lose what you have over THAT. Don’t let it come to that.

Hannibal_Smith · 29-03-2020 8:06am

OP , I could have written your post myself! I am forever cracking a joke. I am always looking for the joke in something.

Now I think you could be a notch above me certainly in joke quality because sometimes I totally miss the mark

, but at the same time, it was like I was missing the 'read the room' gene. So I decided to hold back and stop. At one stage I got so paranoid about it, I started whispering my jokes to my husband and he would day them out loud and he got the laughs :eek:

I think you're being really hard on yourself. Has your wife said she's had enough to the point she wants to leave? Or are you feeling so bad you think that's where she's at? Because I bet sometimes if you miss the mark the guilt trip you lay on yourself can be horrendously tough.

If you're feeling this bad definitely talk to someone, because the cycle is making you feel miserable. I get that's something you can't do right now, so in the meantime maybe talk to your wife. Tell her what you've said here and listen to what she replies with. Try and work with her now to see what the cues are that 'now is not the time for a joke' ?

Kylta · 29-03-2020 7:50pm

I think the OP is facing into difficult times in regards to the lockdown. If your constantly cracking jokes (I'm a f-cker for it) and their of the mark, then count to 10 before you react to any conversation, it will give you time to think whether to engage or not.
If you can't stop this my advice is look up a course for comedians on the internet and they'll give you imput in regards to when to deliver you joke. I mean you wouldnt tell a joke about a corpse at a funeral.
I wonder do you have insecurity issue's ie do you feel you need to make everybody laugh? If so why? Joking and slagging can be used both as either an attacking or defensive mechanism.
Again if you can't control your mouth you'll have to practice serious social distancing during lockdown if your misses can see your joke?

zoobizoo · 30-03-2020 2:37pm

Class Clown wrote: »

I joke about everything, I cant help it

I keep going not thinking of anyone but myself

I cant help what comes out.

Well you can help it - saying that you can't is not taking responsibility for your behaviour.

I think you need to start "listening" properly.... you say that you're a good listener but in many situations, you don't appear to listen to the tone of a conversation ie, you're not reading the room.

What is your intention when you joke:
Is it to make other people laugh?
Is it to make yourself feel popular?
Is it to avoid the conversation that is taking place because it is too boring, too much hard work, too much serious, too adult?

Humour can be the easy option in conversations.... delivering a quick and smart put down can get a quick laugh - but it often can then kill a proper conversation... you don't have to debate / defend a position / offer your opinion.

I'm all for witty funny conversations with the right people at the right time btw.

dubstepper · 30-03-2020 5:09pm

I would have been similar to you. I am hard wired to think of a funny thing to say based on the conversation. I had a few points at which I realised that what I thought was just a good joke, can be take up as something different by other people.

Jokes are not appropriate in a lot of situations. They are rarely appropriate in work, as most think work is serious and that someone joking is not working.

One time a friend was describing something I said, and he said "you were saying something smartarse...". Now the guy wasn't having a dig at me as the conversation just went on, but I realised what I thought was a funny comment, was seen by him as smart arse. Perhaps belittling him in his eyes. I never thought of it like that,

Long story short you need to think of it from other people's perspective. If you can do that you will be able to stop making the comments.

Kylta · 30-03-2020 5:20pm

dubstepper wrote: »

I would have been similar to you. I am hard wired to think of a funny thing to say based on the conversation. I had a few points at which I realised that what I thought was just a good joke, can be take up as something different by other people.

Jokes are not appropriate in a lot of situations. They are rarely appropriate in work, as most think work is serious and that someone joking is not working.

One time a friend was describing something I said, and he said "you were saying something smartarse...". Now the guy wasn't having a dig at me as the conversation just went on, but I realised what I thought was a funny comment, was seen by him as smart arse. Perhaps belittling him in his eyes. I never thought of it like that,

Long story short you need to think of it from other people's perspective. If you can do that you will be able to stop making the comments.

I agree sometimes when we joke instead of it being funny its basically ends up a sarcastic remark. But whats funny to you can also be upsetting to others. I'd joke with close friends more than I'd joke with say distant friends or strangers because you really dont know how they react

Neyite · 30-03-2020 5:23pm

I agree that it seems to be some sort of coping mechanism. I've it too. The more stressed out I get, the more jokes I crack.

In my younger years, it used to be slagging, but then I realised that was just poking fun at people and sometimes came off as being mean so I trained myself away from that and now poke fun at situations or myself rather than others. So I can still use humour as my pressure valve, but I'm not offending anyone.

So you can still be funny, and with people you've an established mutual slagging relationship with you can still do that, but with certain situations /people you could adapt your humour a bit.

Bricriu · 30-03-2020 8:12pm

Any chance you were your family's mascot?
The mascot's role in family dynamics is to steer everybody away from dealing with the problems in the family by 'keeping it light', and to avoid any serious discussion.
Any time a member of the family looks like he/she is going to talk about addressing a problem, the mascot jumps in to head him/her off with a joke or banter.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 01-04-2020 8:10pm

I think there's some great posts above OP, and I'd second the idea that you are using humour and laughs from others to build some sort of self esteem and avoid your own feelings.

However, I wouldn't hang your hat on CBT specifically. CBT is bandied about as a cure all but it isn't for everything or everyone, not even close.
If anything, I'd recommend a person centred or humanistic approach, or someone who works integratively, but ultimately finding a psychologist or psychotherapist who you click with and feel comfortable enough with to open up to and explore the difficult stuff.

You have a lot to lose, and you clearly want to change things. It'll be incredibly difficult to break down and build back your self (the space there is intentional) as a person, but with hard work, commitment and a willingness to go into the uncomfortable parts of your mind, you can change.

Best of luck.

ManOfMystery · 02-04-2020 7:56am

Have you joked or slagged someone at a funeral? A wake? Or any other situation where it's totally inappropriate? If not then that means you do have a level of control over it. I'm not saying it's easy, but you have to find that inner mechanism you use for holding back on those occasions, and try to employ it more often.

El_Duderino 09 · 02-04-2020 8:24am

If you feel there might be a serious psychiatric problem like bipolar or ADD, then you need to start with a medical doctor.

If you think it's a psychological issue then you could start with a doctor or you could go straight to a private psychologist for an assessment.

If you want counselling you could go to a private psychoanalyst for therapy.

The other thing that stood out to me was: if you're not good at reading the room to know how far is too far, how do you know people are really enjoying the jokes?

I've a couple of mates mind. Both are jokers and both are good lads. Neither of them is very funny but people laugh along because they're good lads. One lad in particular is always looking for the edgy thing to say about a situation and it's tedious. Sometimes when we're in a group and a topic comes up, you just have to wait for this guy to do his little comedy routine and get it out of the way and then the rest of us can discuss it.

I'd wonder if, when people tell you you should go into comedy, if they're telling you that you're really into comedy rather than telling you that you're really entertaining them. A way to change the subject from you cracking jokes.

Obviously I don't know any more than you've said in your posts so I'm just applying my own experience.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 02-04-2020 9:33am

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

If you feel there might be a serious psychiatric problem like bipolar or ADD, then you need to start with a medical doctor.

If you think it's a psychological issue then you could start with a doctor or you could go straight to a private psychologist for an assessment.

If you want counselling you could go to a private psychoanalyst for therapy.

Sorry man, but the above isn't correct.

If the OP thinks it's a psychiatric issue (and this sounds unlikely, nothing suggests bipolar or even ADD), then he'd need to attend a GP and get referred to a psychiatrist, or attend a private psychiatrist.

If the OP thinks it's a psychological or personality issue, then he needs to attend a psychologist who MAY choose to assess (but most of the time, this is useless on its own), but who in any event will engage with it therapeutically. The OP can go to his GP for a referral, or go privately.

The OP could also seek a therapeutic approach from a psychotherapist, who MAY be a psychoanalyst... but true analysts are both relatively rare these days, AND analysis isn't all that popular.

El_Duderino 09 · 02-04-2020 10:24am

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Sorry man, but the above isn't correct.

If the OP thinks it's a psychiatric issue (and this sounds unlikely, nothing suggests bipolar or even ADD), then he'd need to attend a GP and get referred to a psychiatrist, or attend a private psychiatrist.

If the OP thinks it's a psychological or personality issue, then he needs to attend a psychologist who MAY choose to assess (but most of the time, this is useless on its own), but who in any event will engage with it therapeutically. The OP can go to his GP for a referral, or go privately.

The OP could also seek a therapeutic approach from a psychotherapist, who MAY be a psychoanalyst... but true analysts are both relatively rare these days, AND analysis isn't all that popular.

Am I missing something or is that exactly what I said?

Psychiatric issue - start with medical doctor (GP).
Psychological issue - start with medical doctor (GP) or go to private psychologist.
Therapeutic issue start with private therapist. I said psychoanalyst but as you said, there are other types of therapy.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 02-04-2020 11:01am

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Am I missing something or is that exactly what I said?

Psychiatric issue - start with medical doctor (GP).
Psychological issue - start with medical doctor (GP) or go to private psychologist.
Therapeutic issue start with private therapist. I said psychoanalyst but as you said, there are other types of therapy.

Close, but not quite. A few omissions and inaccuracies, nothing major. But there's no harm in clarifying. I'm just clarifying for the OP in case they want to pursue any of the avenues listed.

LilacNails · 02-04-2020 6:40pm

I have to admit, everytime I see the title for this post.....I keep reading the "slagging" As "shagging".... Don't mean to downgrade the OP just thought it was funny.

woodchuck · 02-04-2020 8:39pm

Mod warning:

@LilacNails, your post is not helpful and below the standard expected here. Please read the charter before posting again.

qwerty13 · 04-04-2020 6:40am

LilacNails wrote: »

I have to admit, everytime I see the title for this post.....I keep reading the "slagging" As "shagging".... Don't mean to downgrade the OP just thought it was funny.

I giggled at this too! However, there’s a chance that I’m also a bit capable of ‘viewing thing by humour’, so maybe that says a bit about me, I don’t know. I think possibly the OP would react in the same way (could be a bit of a reach, but humour instead of dealing with things maybe??)

It really does sound as though you’re seeking attention / approval OP - but that you’ve also recognised yourself that this isn’t always an appropriate thing to do, and that it is annoying / potentially hurting people. So you have self-awareness, ie you’re conscious of not being selfish about it. My advice would be to try get underneath why you do this.

And I find it really incredibly annoying if I’m fed up / P*ssed off, and I feel that someone is being ‘humourous’ about it, because I’d feel they’re not listening to what I’m saying. Maybe that’s my issue, but possibly something to keep in mind.

Slagging could lose it all

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