Possibly met a half sibling I didn't know about

LegacyUser · 10-04-2019 7:35pm #1

OK, background I suppose. I'm a woman in my early 30s, I have 3 younger siblings. My parents are married and together, have been since before I was born.

I'm a retail manager and before Christmas we took on some seasonal staff. This college student was one of them. Not my hire if that matters, a colleague interviewed him and took him on, he's just over ten years younger than me.

I'll call this student Tom. Tom and I strongly resemble each other, a couple of regular customers actually mistook him for me for a couple of seconds (I'm pretty butch :cool:). We got on really, really well too, instantly clicked. My youngest brother, who'd be much closer to Tom's age, called in to the shop when he was there and I asked them "do you guys remind each other of anyone?" and they both did a big double take and laughed about it. My brother told me afterward that he found it weird how alike they were but as far as I know his mind isn't running on the same track as mine.

Right, I am more or less certain that my father was unfaithful at least once when we were kids, based on comments I've heard my mother make, the fact that they both get very uncomfortable when the subject comes up. I do seem to remember there being a lot of tension in the house when I was about nine or ten but I don't know am I fecking planting ideas in my own head now because I'm thinking about this so much.

So Christmas came, Tom's work in the shop finished up. What with Christmas and everything, my partner had an illness in the family etc, I didn't really think about Tom. I did see him popping up as a suggested friend on social media but assumed it was because I had his number or we'd both been on the work WiFi. But it's been nagging and nagging away at me. Twice in the last month now he's come up as a suggested friend so he must be on my facebook, I'm really wondering is he thinking along the same lines as I am. I looked at his page, he has a brother and they look nothing alike.

With summer coming up we'll be taking on seasonal people again, I really feel like I should bring him back, I can't think of any other excuse to talk to him. I know it sounds nuts but I find myself so drawn to him (and again, I'm a lesbian in my 30s, if I were to suddenly get infatuated with a man I would hope it wouldn't be a teenager who looks extremely like my little brother), my gut has just been at me and at me about this for the past four months. I'm not someone who's prone to flights of fancy or creating drama, if I'm right this is going to be a hugely disruptive thing and if I'm wrong I will look insane.

Should I find out if I'm right? How do I do that? What the eff do I do then?

never_mind · 10-04-2019 9:14pm

Jesus... no, I wouldn’t take him on on a hunch. Have you considered talking to either your mam or dad about it?

wiggle16 · 10-04-2019 9:38pm

Hi OP

Suppose you called him and rehired him, or otherwise got in touch. How do you propose to find out if you're right? Cos that's a whooooole other issue.

You've not got much to go on but the fact that you look very similar. Granted it must be a strong resemblance, but other than that there's nothing else there. You believe your dad was unfaithful at some stage when you were a child. And you think it might have been around the time this lad would have needed to have been conceived. Your parents occasionally get uncomfortable about something and it's never been discussed.

Let's look at it this way: you think you might be related because he looks a lot like you. That's all. If he looks so much like you it's likely you would have thought so even if you'd never known about your father's possible infidelity, or the tension at home, or the timing. It would still have struck you as strange and in order to explain it you could still contrive other ways for you to be related to him, if you wanted to.

You're arriving at a conclusion of great magnitude for both your family and for this lad, based on very, very little. It's quite possible your father had a child with another woman. It's quite possible he didn't.

I know you don't mean him any harm and albeit that you admit it sounds nuts you don't sound crazy either. What you are proposing is not an unreasonable possibility. But that's all it is. Just like it's perfectly, reasonably possible you and I are somehow related! It is also quite possible, if not likely, that the resemblance is just a coincidence. One of my friends' mothers is the image of a girl I used to work with, the exact double. But they are not related, one is Irish and the other is Polish. It happens.

I would let this go. Don't rehire him and don't approach him about this. I'd find it very distressing if a virtual stranger approached me and said I should be questioning my paternity. If you really, really cannot drop it, it's something you might consider talking quietly to your father about. If you really can't drop it.

But leave Tom be. If you pursue this with the young lad and it turns out you're wrong then you are going to end up looking mental, OP. Don't do it.

strandroad · 10-04-2019 9:48pm

Leave Tom alone, most likely he wouldn't even know.

If you think that your father has secrets that might keep affecting you, talk to him but don't expect much.

Rubberchikken · 10-04-2019 10:01pm

talk to your father if you think he has any answers.
people can really resemble someone else and not be remotely related.

4ensic15 · 10-04-2019 10:44pm

I certainly wouldn't talk to your parents. They will be resentful of you dragging up the unfaithfulness. Find out more about Tom. Find his date of birth and go and look for his birth cert. See what that tells you. People often have dopplegangers.
That being said I have a relative who saw a man getting into a car one day in Cork. She said you look just like X, who was her mother's uncle. He said X is my uncle. It turned out they were first cousins one removed. His mother had gone abroad and he had been born abroad and grew up abroad and wasn't long backi in ireland.

LadySkunk · 11-04-2019 12:31am

Woah now I think you need to take a step back from all this.

It’s extremely unprofessional and irresponsible to consider taking him back on based on what only appears to be a hunch. What do you think would happen even if this were to be a true? You’re the manager, can you imagine how unconfortable you would make him feel if you start questioning him about this or showing him special attention.

Even if you somehow found out it was true and that’s a big if, what do you expect to happen? For all you know he knows your father had an affair with his mother and then went back to his family leaving them both and wants nothing to do with any of it. Just because you want some family reunion doesn’t me he would feel the same way.

You have thought way too much into this and for too long if you’re saying this is going on months. You saying that you are drawn to him and going onto his brothers Facebook page is just bizarre. I think you need to talk to somebody about the feelings you have about your fathers affair because clearly that’s still effecting you and you need to forget about Tom and move on with your life.

BettePorter · 11-04-2019 1:12am

TheSkunk wrote: »

It’s extremely unprofessional and irresponsible to consider taking him back on based on what only appears to be a hunch.

Even if she didn't have the hunch ...its likely shed take him back anyway . It's not like she's going out of her way to give him a job out of nowhere. He's worked there before and would pebbly be happy to do so again. Unless he's a **** worker she isn't really doing anything wrong offering him a summer gig. Its not like she's doing so to tie him to the office chair and interrogate him. What's the harm in hiring him if he's a competent worker you don't need to train and at the same time u can potentially find out more details that may prove or disprove your theory .

tara73 · 11-04-2019 7:58am

I think it's the worst idea to talk to your parents about it. How to go on about it at all? ask your father: did you father a child with another woman? and if he did, he might not even know about it.
Even worse to bring it up with your mum, don't know them but there's potential to fall out with them and stir a complete family drama about mentioning such a delicate thing. you have no more 'proof' than a feeling and the resemblance.

I would agree it would be best to let it rest but I can also see it's bothering you so much that you will probably find no rest.

Did you not ask him (casually, when situation arises) about his family situation? Asked about his mother and father? I mean, it will solve itself pretty easily if he tells about his father.
If you havn't done so, and you seemingly can't let go of it, I also see nothing wrong in hiring him again and try to find out more about him and his family situation.

salmocab · 11-04-2019 8:01am

He’s coming up as a friend suggestion on FB because your likely both friends with people working in the shop.

Charles Ingles · 11-04-2019 8:05am

This chap could be your brother op.
You have to find out it will drive you mad if you don't.
For all you know tom already knows.
I wouldn't worry about upsetting your father, if he is going around fathering children while married he is the last persons feelings you shoulduld consider.
Trust your gut

tara73 · 11-04-2019 8:08am

salmocab wrote: »

He’s coming up as a friend suggestion on FB because your likely both friends with people working in the shop.

yes, that's something to add too, because FB is suggesting him doesn't mean he looked you up.
It's probably the thing mentioned above or also, you looked him up and (not completely sure but I think it is like that) FB automatically suggests you the people you looked up not the other way around.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-04-2019 8:10am

I look nothing like my sister. Different in every way. My friend told me he met me in the shop recently, spoke to me and I completely blanked him. He didn't meet me! He said I have a twin walking around.

You are basing this on little or nothing.

Siggested friends is a strange thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that he is checking your Facebook page, although you have started to check the page of people he knows. You might have mutual friends. Your phones locations could have been picked up in the same area. Your phone numbers are linked. His name is saved in your phone.

You are jumping to huge conclusions that would have implications for more than just you and him. He has a family. He has a mother (and possibly a father). Your own mother and father would be dragged in.

I'm not sure this is something you should pursue. It's possible, but it's also unlikely. It could be just coincident. It could be your young mind hearing and imagining things that might not have been exactly as a 10 year old interpreted them.

By all means if you like him, and if he's a good worker offer him more work. Get to know him and his family background a bit. But I certainly would not be approaching him or your parents with your suspicions. Not until you know a while lot more about him, at least.

salmocab · 11-04-2019 8:11am

Charles Ingles wrote: »

This chap could be your brother op.
You have to find out it will drive you mad if you don't.
For all you know tom already knows.
I wouldn't worry about upsetting your father, if he is going around fathering children while married he is the last persons feelings you could consider.
Trust your gut

Or possibly he hasn’t gone around fathering children and this will start a big family row as the OP saw someone who looks like her brother and jumped to a conclusion.

The Satanist · 11-04-2019 8:13am

The chances are that it's a coincidence and nothing more. No need to go chucking grenades into your parents' marriage over this.

Charles Ingles · 11-04-2019 8:15am

salmocab wrote: »

Or possibly he hasn’t gone around fathering children and this will start a big family row as the OP saw someone who looks like her brother and jumped to a conclusion.

If you read the ops post it's quite obvious deep down she knows.
If the father has nothing to hide he would laugh it off.
But I don't think this will happen in this case, also Tom deserves to know if he has a family

salmocab · 11-04-2019 8:19am

Charles Ingles wrote: »

If you read the ops post it's quite obvious deep down she knows.
If the father has nothing to hide he would laugh it off.
But I don't think this will happen in this case, also Tom deserves to know if he has a family

No it’s not obvious she knows, she met someone who looks like her brother and thinks her dad may have had an affair or cheated on her mother years ago and that’s it. As for the dad laughing it off you don’t know the man so certainly can’t say how he’ll react to his daughter suggesting he had an affair and has a son.

Charles Ingles · 11-04-2019 8:21am

salmocab wrote: »

No it’s not obvious she knows, she met someone who looks like her brother and thinks her dad may have had an affair or cheated on her mother years ago and that’s it. As for the dad laughing it off you don’t know the man so certainly can’t say how he’ll react to his daughter suggesting he had an affair and has a son.

Well ge shouldn't have cheated on his wife, if he cheated on his wife shows the kind of person he is.

morebabies · 11-04-2019 8:23am

It's easy from the outside to say, don't rock the boat, you'll appear crazy. But if I thought I had a half sibling I had met by chance, I wouldn't rest until I knew for sure. If you don't investigate this, you will be wondering for the rest of your life. It's not your fault if your dad was unfaithful, and you are not responsible for the state of your parent's marriage. I don't know how you can pursue this discreetly, but I wouldn't be able to just let it go.

4ensic15 · 11-04-2019 8:50am

If the parents or the father knows about the extra mariatl child it is likely Tom would have been introduced to the family by now. If the o/p gets a denial from her parents she is no better off than now. With a bit of discreet research she can find out a lot more without causing any upset. The birth cert will show where he was born and will have details of his parents.

salmocab · 11-04-2019 8:51am

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Well ge shouldn't have cheated on his wife, if he cheated on his wife shows the kind of person he is.

Ah come on she doesn’t even know he did. If he did and they’ve managed to move on bringing it up could really upset her mother and it may be for no reason.

Censored11 · 11-04-2019 8:54am

OP you sound crazier than a bag of cats...
I'm suspecting Daddy issues here.

LadySkunk · 11-04-2019 9:24am

BettePorter wrote: »

Even if she didn't have the hunch ...its likely shed take him back anyway . It's not like she's going out of her way to give him a job out of nowhere. He's worked there before and would pebbly be happy to do so again. Unless he's a **** worker she isn't really doing anything wrong offering him a summer gig. Its not like she's doing so to tie him to the office chair and interrogate him. What's the harm in hiring him if he's a competent worker you don't need to train and at the same time u can potentially find out more details that may prove or disprove your theory .

The OP hasn’t said anything about his work capability though, her whole post is about how she thinks she has a connection to him and how this would be the only way for her to talk to him again. Under normal circumstances I would agree with you based on his previous experience but this isn’t a normal situation.

She would be putting him in an awkward position as she’d have to ask about his family at some point which maybe he doesn’t want to talk about and say she does prove her theory then what? It opens a whole can of worms and that just doesn’t belong in work.

For both your sakes OP, I don’t think you should rehire him. Speak to your father in private if you feel you have to know and can’t let it go. If you disprove it and he’s a good worker then great, by all means take him back on on a purely professional basis but if it turns out to be true then you need to make contact with him outside of the workplace.

woodchuck · 11-04-2019 9:40am

Mod note:

@Censored11. Your post falls well below the standard expected here in PI. Please have a read of the charter before posting here again, paying particular attention to this part:

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....... · 11-04-2019 10:02am

WOW!!

Talk about adding 2+2 and getting 1000000!!

You "could" have a genetic link - but it might not be through one of your parents, it could go back generations. You might share a great great great grandparent.

OR

You might just have a culturally similar set of features and not be biologically related at all.

To go straight to thinking its your half sibling seems......odd.

Anyway, why not friend the guy on FB and suggest doing 23 and me or something like that with him to see if you have a shared genetic history?

seamus · 11-04-2019 11:49am

If this is an itch you can't help but scratch, then do it in a way that doesn't require anyone else's input.

Check out his connections on Facebook, see who his family are, see if you can trace back where they come from. Yes, Facebook stalk him, but not in an obsessive way.

Most likely you will find a couple of cousins who look just like him with parents who are happily married and weren't even in the area until a few years ago. Don't go in with your theory and look for evidence to prove it. Because you'll always be able to find it. Just look for information.

As others say though, talking to anyone else about it for no reason other than you're a bit similar, is veering into proper crazy land. You don't even know if your Dad has ever been unfaithful, and yet you're considering asking a stranger if there might be a paternal link.

Is there any chance that you may have some deeper family issues that you need to talk to a counsellor about?

Censored11 · 11-04-2019 4:23pm

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Thanks

Wiggle16

SouthernBelle · 11-04-2019 4:43pm

I met the daughter of my mother’s first cousin. We are the image of each other and could easily pass for siblings.

It’s possible he’s a distant cousin - Ireland is a very small place.

pwurple · 12-04-2019 6:39am

Oooh, genetics are fun!

OP, it is as likely you are distantly related as closely, based on resemblance. Siblings, genetically can sometimes be as different as strangers, because of how it works with the gene combination from parents.

Can I ask, what is it you share, where is the overlap? Is it a style of hair or clothes first of all that accentuates it... or is it some very obvious particular facial feature, shape of eyes, same nose... ? If you both have lightish brown hair, white skin and blue eyes, I’d say you’re like a heck of a lot of other people on this island. You know?

My own two children look absolutely nothing alike. Different hair, eye and skin colouring, body shape, facial features. One looks very much like my husbands family, and the other is the spitting image of my paternal grandmother. The obvious conclusion isn’t that I was sleeping around... I hope! I also have a cousin in the US with a child similar in age to my youngest, and they could easily pass for twins. Just a very strong facial feature from my dads family is there in both, and they happen to have the same colouring.

In Ireland, the much more likely scenario is that you have a shared distant relative.

So rather than rocking your parents marriage, check out that side of it, if he is interested.

JeffKenna · 12-04-2019 1:52pm

Why not send a friend request on facebook? Have a look at his profile, it will probably give potential information about him/ his family that could shed more light on this without throwing grenades anywhere.

joeguevara · 15-04-2019 3:51am

JeffKenna wrote: »

Why not send a friend request on facebook? Have a look at his profile, it will probably give potential information about him/ his family that could shed more light on this without throwing grenades anywhere.

If I sent a friend request to one of my employees especially a part time one who has now left but may be coming back, it would look so unprofessional. I wouldn't advise doing this.

Possibly met a half sibling I didn't know about

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