How do people get through it?

bitofabind · 19-08-2019 11:56pm #1

Just reading a tribute from the new wife of the policeman that was murdered in the UK last week. i'm in absolute bits.

They were married just over a month ago and together for 13 years. They were due to go on Honeymoon next week.

just thinking about what's ahead for that woman and it's incomprehensible.
how do people get through this kind of devastation? i guess i'm lucky in that i've never lost someone that close to me, worst emotional pain i've been through was heartbreak after a breakup and that was bad enough as it was. incomparable to something like this.

not meaning to be overly dark here, i'm genuinely just curious as to how someone finds it in them to move on and reclaim their lives after something like this.

https://www.itv.com/news/2019-08-19/i-will-carry-your-love-with-me-always-newlywed-wife-s-touching-tribute-to-killed-pc-andrew-harper/

“To my best friend,

“The kindest, loveliest, most selfless person you will ever meet.

"You were brave, funny, and always there for anyone who needed it.

“There is not enough paper in the world to even begin to write a tribute for you, but no one deserves it more.

“We had so many plans for the future, you wanted to do it all.

"My darling boy I do not know how I will be able to survive without you.

“Anyone who was lucky enough to meet you, whether they knew you as Andrew, Andy, Uncle Mann, Harps or PC Harper... to everyone you are a hero.

“You had the best sense of humour and never took life too seriously.

"You treasured every moment and always had a smile on your face.

“I want to be angry that your job took you away from us but I know you loved it and always wanted to keep everyone safe, especially me.

"You went the extra mile whenever you could and genuinely cared for everyone.

“The lights have dimmed on all of our lives now that you are no longer here, but it’s no surprise that even when you're gone, you're still keeping us all going, knowing that you would tell us to carry on and stay strong.

“I can't begin to imagine a life without your silly jokes, size 14 feet, large appetite, big hugs, Sunday roasts, and never faltering positive attitude.

"You kept me going if I was down and took care of us all until the last.

“Even now I can still hear you nagging me to brush my teeth, get dressed and eat something.

"We are all feeling so very lost without you but we are trying to be as brave as you were.

“You have so, so many friends my love and everyone loves you.

"The messages, support, and kind words about you have been overwhelming and I can't thank everyone enough for that.

“You loved music, movies, travel, every animal in the world, messing around with our brothers, and chilling out with our sisters.

"You loved our families, every single one.

“You loved to go on adventures and find new places to explore.

"If there was a mountain to climb, you'd be there at the top.

"Bike rides and long walks, you loved it all.

"Never still, never down, so full of life.

“You could fix absolutely anything and always took time to offer help to family, friends and neighbours.

"A pillar of strength to everyone you met.

“My heart is broken without you my sweetheart but my god I feel so lucky that it was me you chose to share your amazing life with.

"You have imprinted so much love and laughter onto all of our lives and we are honoured for that.

“Although we were married for only 28 days before you were cruelly taken away from me, my husband you were perfect.

"I will never ever stop loving you and I feel so grateful for the happiest thirteen years of my life.

“Our superman, our bodyguard, our light in the dark.

"My god we will miss you.

"Forever you will be remembered as the best of us.

“I will carry your love with me always.

“Your loving wife, Lissie x”

Leg End Reject · 19-08-2019 11:59pm

You just keep going, one day at a time.

We're extraordinarily resilient.

fmpisces · 20-08-2019 12:02am

Awh that's terribly sad

I suppose it's like everything else really.....time. Sounds cliche but it's true. Once you have the love and support of people around you and allow yourself to go through the process of grieving as you see it, feel it, then I suppose you can learn to move on.

Mam of 4 · 20-08-2019 12:03am

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You just keep going, one day at a time.

We're extraordinarily resilient.

I agree with you , get through each hour , each day , I keep this pic on my phone ...might not be everyone's way of doing things but it's mine .

gumbo1 · 20-08-2019 12:05am

I really hope that she has a good network of friends and family around her. The kind that don't disappear 2 or 3 weeks after the fact.
It is an awful situation to find herself in. Not only is she mourning the loss of her new husband but for it to be international front page news is just unthinkable from my perspective. Like you I've only suffered heartache from breakups so I have absolutely no idea how I would deal/cope with such a loss!

AllForIt · 20-08-2019 12:26am

Hopefully BoJo and Patel will sort out the trespassers who are widely regarded by English citizens as people who are above the law such that there will be a literal caravan of people engaging in a mass exodus from their country. I think it would help the victims family get though it - a lot.

daveorourke77 · 20-08-2019 1:40am

Thankfully I've not yet experienced anything like this.

People can be extremely resilient though.

eviltwin · 20-08-2019 1:43am

When you're going through hell keep going - Winston Churchill

I've never lost someone in such tragic circumstances but I've been through my own stuff and it's a case of going on because what other choice do you have.

This case is horrific and I hope they throw the book at the person or people responsible.

Sam Quentin · 20-08-2019 1:53am

I know it's grand to have people around you during these troubled times...but it's also worth mentioning that they need to keep their distance,be there when she calls and at the same time give her peace and lots of space and 'me' time..... Humans can be so non empathetic and actually complete gobshítes when it comes to caring for someone who's just lost a very VERY close relative or lover..

Graces7 · 20-08-2019 6:20am

Sam Quentin wrote: »

I know it's grand to have people around you during these troubled times...but it's also worth mentioning that they need to keep their distance,be there when she calls and at the same time give her peace and lots of space and 'me' time..... Humans can be so non empathetic and actually complete gobshítes when it comes to caring for someone who's just lost a very VERY close relative or lover..

For the first while, she will be inundated with company and support.

The busyness will get them through the funeral then after that there will be a hiatus and the grief will really storm in.

Always when those I know have lost someone, I have waited until then to write etc. It is an exhausting time in every way. Draining. After the funeral, the loss screams in. Overwhelms. The aloneness cripples. Half your life is chopped off.

Me time is good but so is quiet company. I remember way back when Mum was killed a neighbour tapped at the door saying they did not know what to do. That was kindness. Some folk turn away as they are at a loss.

When you crash, you slowly pick yourself up, inch by inch. bone by bone ; fight your way off the bed...

bitofabind · 20-08-2019 10:34am

Graces7 wrote: »

After the funeral, the loss screams in. Overwhelms. The aloneness cripples. Half your life is chopped off.

This is all I can think about. The absolute overwhelm of the aftermath of this kind of a loss.

i went through a heartbreak a few years ago that i was sure would break me, total loss of control of my emotions, totally dysfunctional in every sense for a time period, it was scary. i can't imagine suffering through sometimes that's infinitely worse than that, how do you cope? i guess you cope because you have to cope, as someone else mentioned.

Graces7 · 20-08-2019 11:07am

OSI wrote: »

As an English citizen, kindly shut the **** up.

as another English citizen, well said

Graces7 · 20-08-2019 11:10am

bitofabind wrote: »

This is all I can think about. The absolute overwhelm of the aftermath of this kind of a loss.

i went through a heartbreak a few years ago that i was sure would break me, total loss of control of my emotions, totally dysfunctional in every sense for a time period, it was scary. i can't imagine suffering through sometimes that's infinitely worse than that, how do you cope? i guess you cope because you have to cope, as someone else mentioned.

The strength is there in most of us; deep within us. Some do not cope and we need to support those ...shudders.

And coping does bring strength to support others. I always knew who had been through hell.

Bend with the wind.

riffmongous · 20-08-2019 12:36pm

Better not read about what happened in Kabul.. it can be a sad world out there, you just have to do your part in making it less so, whatever way you can

upandcumming · 20-08-2019 1:20pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPJuuD8Atd0

I'm always reminded of one line from the Blacklist in James Spader's exceptional voice..

"And every day when you wake up, it'll be the first thing you think about. Until one day, it will be the second thing."

razorblunt · 20-08-2019 1:35pm

Your life is never the same, it can't be. You don't ever get over it, you get on with it.

Graces7 · 20-08-2019 2:13pm

bitofabind wrote: »

This is all I can think about. The absolute overwhelm of the aftermath of this kind of a loss.

i went through a heartbreak a few years ago that i was sure would break me, total loss of control of my emotions, totally dysfunctional in every sense for a time period, it was scary. i can't imagine suffering through sometimes that's infinitely worse than that, how do you cope? i guess you cope because you have to cope, as someone else mentioned.

(((HUGS)))

Tears flowing here..

whiskeyman · 20-08-2019 2:18pm

razorblunt wrote: »

Your life is never the same, it can't be. You don't ever get over it, you get on with it.

This.
I hate the 'time will heal' saying.
No it bloody won't.
It will never heal.
Never.

You just get a bit better at coping, and the pain doesn't strike as much as before, but it still strikes hard.

The 'ball in the box' has been doing the rounds to explain it:
https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Raconteuse · 20-08-2019 2:34pm

bitofabind wrote: »

i went through a heartbreak a few years ago that i was sure would break me, total loss of control of my emotions, totally dysfunctional in every sense for a time period, it was scary.

Same here. Thought I was definitely losing it. Went to see a counsellor, saying to her "i can't cope", "I'm not coping" repeatedly. She said very confidently and definitively "You absolutely are coping - you're getting up, washing, grooming, going to work, going for counselling, meeting your friends and family, doing the grocery shopping. You may be lying on the couch crying at all other times, and not sleeping or eating, but you are still coping. The bad bits are what the counselling is for."

But a loss and a pain like this - I assume you go to pieces, take sick leave, want to die yourself, stop living and just exist, possibly have a breakdown, then hopefully build yourself back up with the help of therapy and loved ones, doing all those little daily things, and it'll take years and you'll never get over it but you'll get to the point where you can live with it. If you've children of course you have to soldier on.

The above are the ones who don't succumb to alcoholism/Xanax addiction.

Someone I know whose sibling was killed said that the grief becomes part of you, and in one way, you actually don't want to lose that part of you, as it's your link to them.

banie01 · 20-08-2019 2:39pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You just keep going, one day at a time.

We're extraordinarily resilient.

Mam of 4 wrote: »

I agree with you , get through each hour , each day , I keep this pic on my phone ...might not be everyone's way of doing things but it's mine .

Correct, in my experience at least.

It's quite clichéd but you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

It catches up on you however, and it may not actually become apparent how much until quite a time later.

fineso.mom · 20-08-2019 3:13pm

That ball in the box analogy is very good. An excellent way to give hope to someone. I lost my parents many years ago, my ball is very is very small now .

Graces7 · 20-08-2019 3:51pm

Raconteuse wrote: »

Same here. Thought I was definitely losing it. Went to see a counsellor, saying to her "i can't cope", "I'm not coping" repeatedly. She said very confidently and definitively "You absolutely are coping - you're getting up, washing, grooming, going to work, going for counselling, meeting your friends and family, doing the grocery shopping. You may be lying on the couch crying at all other times, and not sleeping or eating, but you are still coping. The bad bits are what the counselling is for."

But a loss and a pain like this - I assume you go to pieces, take sick leave, want to die yourself, stop living and just exist, possibly have a breakdown, then hopefully build yourself back up with the help of therapy and loved ones, doing all those little daily things, and it'll take years and you'll never get over it but you'll get to the point where you can live with it. If you've children of course you have to soldier on.

The above are the ones who don't succumb to alcoholism/Xanax addiction.

Someone I know whose sibling was killed said that the grief becomes part of you, and in one way, you actually don't want to lose that part of you, as it's your link to them.

when my brother was killed I became my mother's sole support … as someone said to me the day after, " A son is a son till he finds a wife, A daughter's a daughter all of her life. " Clang of doors.. I was not allowed to grieve. and in those days there was no counselling etc, just daily life. Had to learn to carry on regardless. try to make up for his loss.
It is only now I am living my own life, out here in the ocean. And yes if you are a survivor you have to carry on. That is your "job".

an old saying is that tribulation brings endurance.

wakka12 · 20-08-2019 5:10pm

Because theres no other alternative. And you know well your lost loved one would want nothing more than for you to go on and continue to try and have as happy a life as possible, thats what I always tell myself

razorblunt · 21-08-2019 9:07am

whiskeyman wrote: »

This.
I hate the 'time will heal' saying.
No it bloody won't.
It will never heal.
Never.

You just get a bit better at coping, and the pain doesn't strike as much as before, but it still strikes hard.

The 'ball in the box' has been doing the rounds to explain it:
https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

I've never heard of the "ball in the box" but it's a great analogy.

Striking hard is right and can often blindside you but its important to feel it, recognise it and move forward. You become better at making new memories Xmas, holidays, birthdays etc but, as in my case, brand new events are hard, a wedding without a parent, having a kid without a grandparent etc. That's what I found very hard. Again though, you have to pick yourself up and get through it.

Graces7 · 21-08-2019 9:12am

razorblunt wrote: »

I've never heard of the "ball in the box" but it's a great analogy.

Striking hard is right and can often blindside you but its important to feel it, recognise it and move forward. You become better at making new memories Xmas, holidays, birthdays etc but, as in my case, brand new events are hard, a wedding without a parent, having a kid without a grandparent etc. That's what I found very hard. Again though, you have to pick yourself up and get through it.

It can though lead you to reach out to others who need someone?

razorblunt · 21-08-2019 9:48am

Graces7 wrote: »

It can though lead you to reach out to others who need someone?

Yes, very much so. I've definitely done so in the past.

How do people get through it?

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