Worried about partner's anger

Hi Boardsies,

I would really appreciate some objective views on a situation that has developed.

Background Fiancé and I are three years together. We've a one year old and another baby on the way in 3 months. We both have good jobs and we've been given mortgage approval and looking at buying in the next few months - on paper at least, it looks like we have everything, and I really feel like we have to be honest. I've been so happy the last while and really looking forward to our little family settling down in our new place etc. We are both wfh and juggling childcare too.

However, I have noticed over the last few months, that my fiancé has changed. He has become more irritable, and tends to have a shorter fuse than when we first met. For a while, he was so patient and was the kind of person who always looked on the bright side, never stopped talking, always assumed the best of everyone and was generally the quiet, non-confrontational type. Over the past few months this has changed. I know he has stresses in work - he isn't being promoted despite having the responsibilities of a senior role. He tends to always work late/ lunchtime etc. and I understand that he has had a lot of negative feedback in terms of his performance.

I'm also concerned that he feels trapped. To be honest both pregnancies were a surprise. The pill failed on the first and on the second, we used barrier protection which tore and I think he feels it "isn't fair" that we got caught out because in his mind we were being careful etc. Still, I adore our little girl and am still excited that she will have a sister close in age. But, I feel like resentment is setting in. He didn't want children so soon, and I think he misses our life before where we lived apart and would meet for dinner, go to trendy little wine bars etc. I miss it too (and I am sure lots of people are missing the social element of things since covid!) but I feel sad that a life with me and his two babies isn't enough to offset that feeling of resentment. I know he loves our daughter, but I feel like he would rather be in a different walk of life right now.

Lately, if I say anything to him, he just snaps and becomes defensive. I will admit that pregnancy has not been easy for me, and my mental health suffered second time around, so I have not exactly been a beacon of how one should behave in an adult relationship, but his tolerance is at zero now. When I try to talk to him, he just gets defensive and blames everything else. I will always apologise for bad behaviour, and try to explain it (without using pregnancy as a direct excuse).

I've told him that I feel lonely in our relationship. It wasnt meant as a criticism, just that I think it is important to communicate if we feel a certain way, and he just used covid as an excuse, saying we can do stuff together when its over. I think he missed what I meant about loneliness. It isnt going out and doing things we can no longer do that I miss, it's his lack of emotional availability. He'd rather be in his room on the computer than spending time with us. I have to ask if he would like to come for a walk with me and the dog. We start to watch a film and he just falls asleep and snores on the couch beside me. And, if we argue, he just retreats to his room after and slams the door. Five minutes later I will hear him snoring and know that he clearly isn't lying in bed worrying about all that we said. Next day, he will just pretend nothing happened, which makes me feel like I've gone mad

Yesterday was a good day, and he said he would take my feelings on-board about us not doing stuff together, and he decided to make dinner. I was in the kitchen with him, playing with our baby in her play area. Obviously whatever he was making didn't turn out well as I could sense the tension building. I asked a few times if he wanted help and he just shouted at me there was nothing I could do, the house was sh*t, the cooking appliances were sh*t and "this is what happens when you want me to make you something new for dinner". I told him just stick it in the oven, we will eat it anyway sure doesn't matter what it looks like? He threw the whole thing in the bin swearing and then stormed into his room. I could hear banging but I didn't investigate because I was with my baby. A few times already he has shouted at me in front of her when we argue, and she gets so upset. A while after, I found his iPad on the table in the hallway, completely smashed up. I asked him what the hell happened and he said he smashed it against the wall in a temper. I was really shocked and told him this isn't normal behaviour. His response was "it wasn't working well anyway" and "its my iPad so I can smash it if I want". Then he tried to convince me he has "loads of friends who would do stuff like that" and I was over-reacting. When I told him his behaviour was that of someone who can't control their feelings, he suggested that on the contrary, going into his room and smashing an inanimate object was preferable to smashing up a person, and that it somehow demonstrated a measure of control - I still can't get my head around that one!

I don't think I am over-reacting. If a dinner sends him that much over the edge, what if our baby acts out when he is in charge of her care? Soon there will be a toddler and a newborn. And kids push our boundaries, that's what they do. I asked him this and of course he said he loves her and that would never happen, but isn't this how most domestic abuse situations start out, and then they just slide and slide until one day you are so much in the thick of it that you don't even know it's wrong anymore? I don't want to be hysterical and over-react but I also don't want to be a boiling frog. And more than anything... my daughter's welfare is my overriding concern. If I can't trust him with her, then where do we go??

He says this kind of thing is normal, but it isn't the "normal" I was raised with. I know that his dad was physically abusive to him, his sisters and his mother, and perhaps his exposure to this has altered his perception of what is acceptable in a home?

I just don't know what to do. I need to think about my babies first and foremost, but I don't know what's best.

Am I completely over-reacting to what could just be a very stressed out man?