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Lack of support

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    #32
    naturalgems18
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭naturalgems18


    Sorry about that wrote: »
    Hi op, and congratulations on your baby! To be honest, loads of parents are in the same boat as you (myself included). I don't know when my husband and I got out together, but it was such a baby-focused time, it didn't seem like a massive problem.

    I think you are feeling let down by some family members, and their lack of enthusiasm for your new baby. They are unlikely to change, but you can change your perception of your circumstances. You'll find a trustworthy person when you're ready to, but I think your disappointment in your family is impacting your own enjoyment of this special time.

    I think that could actually be very true. It's been harder than we thought doing it alone together and I think this can be compounded when we see friends with children getting out fairly regularly as their parents help out a bit. There's only so many times you can say 'no, sorry we've no babysitter' - so I think that's where the change has to come. We'll have to just bite the bullet and find a babysitter we feel comfortable with. Part of me being put-off about this has been from reading mummy sites where a lot say they'd never ever leave their small child with a stranger & they'd only trust family. Oh the guilt :(


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    #33
    Plumbthedepths
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,653 ✭✭✭✭Plumbthedepths


    Wompa1 wrote: »
    Op didn't say anything about them raising the grandkids...

    That reply was not to the OP.


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    #34
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,073 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    Plumbthedepths wrote: »
    That reply was not to the OP.

    That reply was to me and I also never mentioned grandparents raising their grandchildren


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    #35
    Plumbthedepths
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,653 ✭✭✭✭Plumbthedepths


    iamwhoiam wrote: »
    That reply was to me and I also never mentioned grandparents raising their grandchildren

    Never said you did.


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    #36
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,073 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    I hope you can get some few hours from an agency or friends OP . They say it takes a village to raise a child so its very difficult with no support . Phone the agencies and ask their policies and how they vet their nannies . I know of two people who booked nannies from the Rathfarnham agency and both were extremely happy with the care and professional attitude


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    #37
    Chocolate fiend
    Registered Users Posts: 465 ✭✭Chocolate fiend


    It can be hard, we are overseas with no family and I don't trust babysitters so we just adjusted to a new normal. If you are not comfortable with babysitters maybe that's what you need to do as well. Not having a babysitter is a legitimate and reasonable reason for parents of young children not to go out, and if friends don't understand that then they should.

    You can still do the ubiquitous "date night" after she has gone to bed, you don't need to go out to spend time alone together.

    The key really is to realise that this is reality, you can't change how others act and you need to make the current situation work for you. It's not forever.


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    #38
    s7ryf3925pivug
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,007 ✭✭✭s7ryf3925pivug


    Same boat. Our kid was a preemie and spent two weeks in NICU. No support even then.

    Visited my mother with him a few weeks ago. She would not shut the **** up at nap time. Insisted on putting a rugby match on loudly which she proceeded to ignore completely. Noise at night as well. She was extremely irritated that his needs were being put before her desire to be the centre of attention. Had to drive around aimlessly to allow him to nap at all. Of course she whines that we don't visit with him all the same. Can't get on a train to visit us because she's not able for it but no problem to fly to england to go on cruises every few months.


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    #39
    drunkmonkey
    Registered Users Posts: 28,118 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    Chocolate fiend wrote: »
    It can be hard, we are overseas with no family and I don't trust babysitters so we just adjusted to a new normal. If you are not comfortable with babysitters maybe that's what you need to do as well.

    I don't get this, "I don't trust babysitters" it doesn't make any sense, maybe you mean you don't trust a 14yr old neighbor with no kids with a baby, you'd be correct most don't have a clue and can panic in a serious situation like when a child starts to choke.
    If your worried about a babysitter get an older person with experience of children or visit the local creche as they may have qualified people that childmind, I know a good few of the girls in our one do, they also stay overnight so you can get away for more than a few hours a whole weekend if you need.

    This idea of resenting your parents as they don't want to look after your children and not having faith that someone besides your or your parents are capable of minding a baby/child isn't good for anyone.


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    #40
    naturalgems18
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭naturalgems18


    iamwhoiam wrote: »
    I hope you can get some few hours from an agency or friends OP . They say it takes a village to raise a child so its very difficult with no support . Phone the agencies and ask their policies and how they vet their nannies . I know of two people who booked nannies from the Rathfarnham agency and both were extremely happy with the care and professional attitude

    Thanks so much, appreciate that!


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    #41
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    We had the same - well, one side of the family never has babysat. Not that I needed it - my view was that they had done their rearing of kids so the only time I have ever asked was in an emergency, and I was turned down without any explanation. Yet my sister gets loads of babysitting off them. I still kept up the visits but even then my son gets feck all interaction from the grandparents compared to his more favoured cousins.

    There's not a lot you can do. After I got turned down I vowed I'd never ask again. And I never have. Instead I did swaps and sleepovers with the other side of the family who were happy to help, and who I reciprocate for so now we do get an occasional night away. I also networked with his classmates parents which I actually find quite difficult but now I have a bunch of other mothers I'm now friends with who could help out if I ever needed it. It gets easier as they get older when people are more likely to take a child over night for a sleepover rather than a toddler.

    Now the first grandparents like to make digs about how my son isn't bothered with them and has showed signs of jealousy that he's closer to the other side of the family. Well duh. :rolleyes: :p


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    #42
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,073 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    naturalgems18 wrote: »
    Thanks so much, appreciate that!

    Just for a little bit of company and time out google your local libraries for toddler times . I used to bring my grandchild to 3 libraries on different days for an hour of singing and playing . It gets you out to chat to other mums and the baby out to play and interact . Your community centre might also do a Toddlers morning
    Its a great way to break the day and meet others


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    #43
    Chocolate fiend
    Registered Users Posts: 465 ✭✭Chocolate fiend


    drunkmonkey wrote: »
    I don't get this, "I don't trust babysitters" it doesn't make any sense, maybe you mean you don't trust a 14yr old neighbor with no kids with a baby, you'd be correct most don't have a clue and can panic in a serious situation like when a child starts to choke.
    If your worried about a babysitter get an older person with experience of children or visit the local creche as they may have qualified people that childmind, I know a good few of the girls in our one do, they also stay overnight so you can get away for more than a few hours a whole weekend if you need.

    This idea of resenting your parents as they don't want to look after your children and not having faith that someone besides your or your parents are capable of minding a baby/child isn't good for anyone.

    I appreciate that, and it isn't healthy but I have my reasons that I won't go into here but believe me I wish I didn't have them.

    Mine are 11, 10 and 7 now and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We go out quite a bit to family places and often share a bottle of wine when they are in bed or go to the cinema or for lunch alone when they are all in school.


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    #44
    s7ryf3925pivug
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,007 ✭✭✭s7ryf3925pivug


    iamwhoiam wrote: »
    Just for a little bit of company and time out google your local libraries for toddler times . I used to bring my grandchild to 3 libraries on different days for an hour of singing and playing . It gets you out to chat to other mums and the baby out to play and interact . Your community centre might also do a Toddlers morning
    Its a great way to break the day and meet others
    Or start your own toddler group... My wife started two. You can apply for grants to cover insurance and other expenses.


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    #45
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    naturalgems18 wrote: »
    On my husband's side, the grandparents mind their grandchildren every single weekday - morning until evening & some weekends too. They're exhausted from it and complain to us about how much they do - while never doing anything for us.

    No further explanation beyond the above, in bold, is needed.

    Their complaining of tiredness to you is their roundabout way of telling you that they don't want you to ask them to mind your child too, and add to their exhaustion.

    And if you know they are exhausted already, why would you ask them?

    It is what it is. Start looking for a good babysitter.


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    #46
    frillyleaf
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭frillyleaf


    naturalgems18 wrote: »
    Where exactly in my post do I say anything about expecting grandparents to be her caregivers?? Completely unfair point. I am simply saying that it would be great to have an hour or so every so often for a bit of time alone together. And given that you have stated in a later post that you had the luxury of having both sets of grandparents involved, I think this makes your unhelpful point completely void.

    I agree with you op, poster was being quite unfair. I have very limited support and pretty much didn’t start getting out for even a few hours until little one turned two but little one would wake a lot etc.

    You should ask them to come over to yours and head out to the cinema or go out for a meal together after the little baby is asleep. I would be similar to you that there I wouldn’t have hired someone to babysit at that age as one is still very young .

    When my older child turned two or so I used to have to pay for babysitter even though I lived with my parents, it was very frustrating as I had to spend money which I didn’t have just to get out for a few hours every few weeks for my own sanity.

    I don’t think it’s too much to ask family to come and sit I your house for a few hours while you head out if they live nearby. I usually settle toddler and then go out for a while. I may get some pizza or something in for family member to much on and they are quite happy. (I wouldn’t ask often though)

    I know some people who’s parents take their kids so much, they just want to spend time with them and like helping every now and then. Some mind them a couple of days a week too which would be great. I don’t think they realise how lucky they are to have support like that! My gran minded us full time and loved it as we were good company for her.

    It doesn’t sound fair that the parents have to mind the other kids as much as they do. Can they not use childcare a couple of days a week to give them a break?


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    #47
    lunamoon
    Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.


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    #48
    naturalgems18
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭naturalgems18


    lunamoon wrote: »
    My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.

    Yes, I agree with you. It is completely our decision to have children and I would never have decided to have one thinking that someone else would mind her. My parents are the same as yours. However, they don't have much interest in spending time with any of their grandchildren anyway. Sad but that's their choice, I know they're missing out.

    However, in saying that, how would you feel if grandparents decided that they did want to mind children but they just devoted the entirety of their time to minding their other grandchildren but never yours? Again, they mind them full time. We were talking about an hour or two in the evening very irregularly.


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    #49
    naturalgems18
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭naturalgems18


    AulWan wrote: »
    No further explanation beyond the above, in bold, is needed.

    Their complaining of tiredness to you is their roundabout way of telling you that they don't want you to ask them to mind your child too, and add to their exhaustion.

    And if you know they are exhausted already, why would you ask them?

    It is what it is. Start looking for a good babysitter.

    Exactly, we wouldn't ask them, we'd feel too guilty to ask them.


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    #50
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    lunamoon wrote: »
    My parents have never and will never mind my child. They came outright and said it as soon as they found out I was pregnant. And do you know what? That's perfectly fine. They weren't the ones who wanted a grandchild. They raise enough of us and want to enjoy their retirement and I don't see an issue with that.


    I'm the same as you in that I don't expect childcare from them but in an emergency would they help you out with a few hours minding if you needed it?


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    #51
    SusanC10
    Registered Users Posts: 2,432 ✭✭✭SusanC10


    We have no family living near us at all where we live. Husband's family all live abroad and my Mum lives 4 hours drive from us. My older sister and the only one with kids lives abroad too.

    I have always felt the lack of family support and still do if I am honest. Miss support as most if not all of my friends here where we live have good family support.

    From the end of Maternity Leave with my eldest I started to really feel it. Although we had done a settling in week, our son got sick the day I went back to work. Creche would not take him. So my Mum drove for 4 hours and stayed for a week. It was a reality check.

    I have been a SAHM for the last few years (made redundant) and if I am honest the lack of family support (plus a Husband doing a 3 hour round trip commute) has been a real stumbling block for me returning to work.

    We got a babysitter when our youngest was 2. She worked in the baby room in the creche. We went out only 3/4 times a year but she babysat for several families. But it really adds to the expense of a night out as she charges per hour.

    We did and still do "Date Nights" at home. Once a month. Take turns cooking, have a bottle of wine.

    My Mum will mind the kids if we are down home or if she comes to stay with us. So we sometimes go out to dinner there or to the cinema. But realistically that is 3/4 times a year tops. My sister who lives in Dublin takes them overnight once a year usually around my Husband's birthday while we stay in a hotel and go to dinner.
    Btw - I ask them for these favours usually well in advance.

    OP - I would look at getting a babysitter. Someone recommended and not a teenager. Join a Parent/Baby Group. Even people with family can be stuck sometimes and you can return the favour.
    Maybe try talking to some of the family members and talk about family support.


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    #52
    lunamoon
    Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    Neyite wrote: »
    I'm the same as you in that I don't expect childcare from them but in an emergency would they help you out with a few hours minding if you needed it?

    I've never been in the situation (thankfully) where I needed them to mind them in an emergency. I think it would depend on the circumstances. They are both quite old and I don't think they'd be able to do nappy changes etc. If I just needed them to stay in the house while he was asleep I think that would probably be ok.


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    #53
    Anne_cordelia
    Registered Users Posts: 446 ✭✭Anne_cordelia


    naturalgems18 wrote: »
    I think that could actually be very true. It's been harder than we thought doing it alone together and I think this can be compounded when we see friends with children getting out fairly regularly as their parents help out a bit. There's only so many times you can say 'no, sorry we've no babysitter' - so I think that's where the change has to come. We'll have to just bite the bullet and find a babysitter we feel comfortable with. Part of me being put-off about this has been from reading mummy sites where a lot say they'd never ever leave their small child with a stranger & they'd only trust family. Oh the guilt :(
    Ah yes, from the privileged who can afford the luxury of only using family. Myself included. Go for a competent adult with qualifications and references and be prepared to pay. Don’t feel guilty. You are still a person and have a need to do things without the baby too.


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    #54
    NSAman
    Registered Users Posts: 3,386 ✭✭✭NSAman


    Neyite wrote: »
    We had the same - well, one side of the family never has babysat. Not that I needed it - my view was that they had done their rearing of kids so the only time I have ever asked was in an emergency, and I was turned down without any explanation. Yet my sister gets loads of babysitting off them. I still kept up the visits but even then my son gets feck all interaction from the grandparents compared to his more favoured cousins.

    There's not a lot you can do. After I got turned down I vowed I'd never ask again. And I never have. Instead I did swaps and sleepovers with the other side of the family who were happy to help, and who I reciprocate for so now we do get an occasional night away. I also networked with his classmates parents which I actually find quite difficult but now I have a bunch of other mothers I'm now friends with who could help out if I ever needed it. It gets easier as they get older when people are more likely to take a child over night for a sleepover rather than a toddler.

    Now the first grandparents like to make digs about how my son isn't bothered with them and has showed signs of jealousy that he's closer to the other side of the family. Well duh. :rolleyes: :p
    that was myself ad my siblings.

    have never asked the grandparents for help personally. Our two were looked after by ourselves as family were not close geographically.

    My parents love their grandkids to bits and even at this stage (they are hairy assed men now) love having them stay with them, the lads love both sides of their family and there have never had favouritism shown on either side.

    My grandparents on my dads side lost out... I don’t want my kids loosing out on knowing any member of their families.


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    #55
    noodler
    Registered Users Posts: 26,183 ✭✭✭✭noodler


    naturalgems18 wrote: »
    Hi,

    Wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with this. We have a one year old baby and from day one, we've really done absolutely everything ourselves. Let me be clear, this wasn't because we shut everyone out / rejected help, we just literally we never offered any help from anyone.

    On my side, neither my mother or father has looked after my child once in her whole life. Not even 10 minutes! Never. I'm not too surprised by this to be honest and had a good feeling it would be this way.

    On my husband's side, the grandparents mind their grandchildren every single weekday - morning until evening & some weekends too. They're exhausted from it and complain to us about how much they do - while never doing anything for us. It's like we have become their therapists. They come to visit us and complain they're too tired to take our child out even for a walk so we could maybe have a hour alone together to have a coffee or something. My husband has actually brought it up with them several times and they understand how he feels but don't do anything to change it.

    In all honestly, we just feel very very alone. We never ever get to go out alone. What can we do? I'm a bit nervous about getting a babysitter because she's still so young, but we also need a little bit of date time now and again. Any ideas?

    Thanks.

    It's sounds look the grandparents on your husband's side do more than enough as it is.

    Maybe it's your own parents where there is the chance for a bit of help?


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