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Advice Please Regarding Personal Circumstances

  • 26-09-2020 9:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi All.

    I feel like I am reaching a "crisis" point and I don't know what I should do. I apologise in advance for the following text wall, and I thank you in advance for reading.

    I have two brothers and two sisters. I am the youngest in the family. I live at home with my parents who are both over 70 years of age. I also live with one of my older brothers. From research and from speaking to other family members it is apparent that my mother is a narcissist and possibly suffers from a personality disorder. She is self absorbed and no one elses opinion matters. She over exaggerates and everything is a huge "deal". She can become very "bitter" and hold resentment. Nothing is ever good enough and my father has become a co-dependant within his relationship with my mother. He is highly stressed and has "lost" himself, although he does not realise it. He gives in to all of her demands. He had to go to A&E yesterday due to concerns the GP had over his blood pressure.

    My mother has macular degeneration in both eyes and she uses that as an excuse for everything along with anything that relates to her as that is all that matters.

    My siblings and I have possibly been emotionally abused amd neglected by her throughout the years, knowingly or unknowingly and I no longer feel comfortable around my mother. We do not communicate effectively as a family and It has also become knowledge that a particular family member may have encountered a traumatic experience as a child involving another family member. That family member is currently receiving psychological support. My parents do not know about this at present.

    We all suffer from mental health difficulties due to emotional abuse and lack of emotional support. My mother is "emotionally immature" and always has a negative thing to say. She also always changes the subject to revolve around herself. As a family we all feel "inadequate" and we all suffer from "emotional blunting". My mother will not listen to reason and I could never approach her as I am afraid of her and have always felt "guilty" being myself or having my own opinion especially now. I hate conflict and become increasingly distressed in any situation which involves conflict. She had always spoken for me as a child and my emotional development was severely affected without me knowing what was happening. My development may have already been effected due to a possible diagnosis of ASD that I will be assessed for soon. A family meeting will have to take place at some stage in the future, and I am so lost at the moment that I don't know how to process this information. All family members will have to be in agreement for statements, and the family member in question does not know how to approach my parents as my mother has gotten much worse during the pandemic.

    There is a strong possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum (High Functioning/Level 1) which I am getting an assessment for along with other learning difficulties I possibly have which makes the situation for me even more difficult. I just felt the need to rant as I have been in distress in the past couple of weeks. I have also been suffering immensely with unwanted intrusive OCD thoughts and I cannot cope. I will be phoning my GP on Monday as I just feel "broken".


Comments

  • #2
    the14thwarrior
    Registered Users Posts: 406 ✭✭the14thwarrior


    I do hope that you get some help, and peace soon.
    I have no advice except you are trying your best to recognise and deal with your stressors.
    good luck.
    hand in there


  • #3
    bobbyy gee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,306 ✭✭✭bobbyy gee


    Try going for counseling look for supervisor as they train other counselers


  • #4
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I went through a similar experience myself with a narcissistic mother and lots of associated abuse. The only thing that helped me was leaving the family home. I'm not sure if that is an option for you at the moment but it should be something you are working towards. Counselling in the meantime is great but can only do so much when you are living with the source of the issue. The narcissist will always turn everything around so they are the victim so essentially you are dealing with a brick wall.

    What is the family meeting about? Is this in relation to the sibling with the traumatic history? I also went through that - you literally could be writing my life story here - again, my parent had no interest in helping or support me because it didn't suit her narrative so nothing positive came out of her knowing and in fact just made me worse off mentally. Essentially she made my trauma all about her. I'd have been better off not saying anything than letting it be manipulated to suit her needs. Be mindful of that and the impact disclosure will have on your sibling, if there is a way to exclude her until your sibling is in a better place consider that.

    I'm sure you'll get lots of advice here and stick with the counselling and the diagnosis and all that but take it from someone who has been there - you can't recover when the source of your trauma is still a major part of your life. This isn't like a normal relationship breakdown where you can mutually agree not to make things difficult for each other. A narcissist doesn't know how to be anything other than narcissistic and you and your sibling at home will always be central to that.


  • #5
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    In total agreement with eviltwin, you need distance to see clearly.
    Have you ever lived outside of your parents' home? If you haven't it might be worth considering this, maybe with the other adult sibling living there.

    You cannot change your mother, no words will ever get through and she will reel you back in with emotional blackmail. You cannot change your father, he seems to have given up and used to his role. You cannot save the world, so look out for yourself. As you said they are co-dependent, and need each others' roles to compliment each other.

    I am confused what the family meeting is supposed to be about. If others are idle make a decision and go for it and do what's best for you. I assume your father is the one dragging his heels, but he is old enough and not your problem.

    I promise you she will take out the big guns and pull every stunt possible, and it can be hilarious to watch if you expected the moves already. Talk to someone to know what to expect, be ready, and then leave her/them high and dry.

    Been there, done that, you will all be better off too once this collapses.


  • #6
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    My siblings and I have possibly been emotionally abused amd neglected by her throughout the years, knowingly or unknowingly and I no longer feel comfortable around my mother.

    I take it you can't support yourself financially because of this?
    There is a strong possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum (High Functioning/Level 1) which I am getting an assessment for along with other learning difficulties I possibly have which makes the situation for me even more difficult. I just felt the need to rant as I have been in distress in the past couple of weeks. I have also been suffering immensely with unwanted intrusive OCD thoughts and I cannot cope. I will be phoning my GP on Monday as I just feel "broken".

    And that's why you live with her?

    If that is the situation. It really cuts down on the independence and freedom you have.

    This might be shocking to say. But she is in her 70s she won't be around forever. So just take care of yourself.

    If you can move out do so.

    Otherwise. You are an adult ...you can do what you want.

    This bad time will pass. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing so well.

    Try and get what support feels best for you.


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  • #7
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,887 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    It's hard to know exactly what disorders are at play here, it would require professional assessment to be sure, but be aware, asd is genetic so there's a possibility one or both of your parents are also asd. Your mother could very well be autistic and possibly have a personality disorder, such as a cluster b, but again, this would require assessment, but you may forget about her doing that, just look after yourself now. Try exercise as much as you can, try things such as yoga and meditation, the counselling should help a lot. Best of luck with it


  • #8
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Honestly if she was 40 i would just say get out.

    But she is elderly and its not like she will be around forever.

    I would hold out until she is gone. You can keep living in the house that way. Unless you think you can actually support yourself alone.


  • #9
    juno10353
    Registered Users Posts: 557 ✭✭✭juno10353


    FamilyCrisisNeedAdvice wrote: »
    Hi All.

    I feel like I am reaching a "crisis" point and I don't know what I should do. I apologise in advance for the following text wall, and I thank you in advance for reading.

    I have two brothers and two sisters. I am the youngest in the family. I live at home with my parents who are both over 70 years of age. I also live with one of my older brothers. From research and from speaking to other family members it is apparent that my mother is a narcissist and possibly suffers from a personality disorder. She is self absorbed and no one elses opinion matters. She over exaggerates and everything is a huge "deal". She can become very "bitter" and hold resentment. Nothing is ever good enough and my father has become a co-dependant within his relationship with my mother. He is highly stressed and has "lost" himself, although he does not realise it. He gives in to all of her demands. He had to go to A&E yesterday due to concerns the GP had over his blood pressure.

    My mother has macular degeneration in both eyes and she uses that as an excuse for everything along with anything that relates to her as that is all that matters.

    My siblings and I have possibly been emotionally abused amd neglected by her throughout the years, knowingly or unknowingly and I no longer feel comfortable around my mother. We do not communicate effectively as a family and It has also become knowledge that a particular family member may have encountered a traumatic experience as a child involving another family member. That family member is currently receiving psychological support. My parents do not know about this at present.

    We all suffer from mental health difficulties due to emotional abuse and lack of emotional support. My mother is "emotionally immature" and always has a negative thing to say. She also always changes the subject to revolve around herself. As a family we all feel "inadequate" and we all suffer from "emotional blunting". My mother will not listen to reason and I could never approach her as I am afraid of her and have always felt "guilty" being myself or having my own opinion especially now. I hate conflict and become increasingly distressed in any situation which involves conflict. She had always spoken for me as a child and my emotional development was severely affected without me knowing what was happening. My development may have already been effected due to a possible diagnosis of ASD that I will be assessed for soon. A family meeting will have to take place at some stage in the future, and I am so lost at the moment that I don't know how to process this information. All family members will have to be in agreement for statements, and the family member in question does not know how to approach my parents as my mother has gotten much worse during the pandemic.

    There is a strong possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum (High Functioning/Level 1) which I am getting an assessment for along with other learning difficulties I possibly have which makes the situation for me even more difficult. I just felt the need to rant as I have been in distress in the past couple of weeks. I have also been suffering immensely with unwanted intrusive OCD thoughts and I cannot cope. I will be phoning my GP on Monday as I just feel "broken".


    I am assuming you are over 25 judging by your parents ages. You are an adult and as such it is you who needs to deal with your issues, with a counsellor or psychologist. While a diagnosis of your parents is useful it is not necessary for you to gain strength.
    You, a grown adult, are living in your parents home and if you dont feel happy there well then you need to find alternative. Is it possible that your older siblings can help in this regard.


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