Should I be concerned about my father or am I overthinking it?

LegacyUser · 29-09-2020 4:18pm #1

He is in his early seventies now.
Growing up he was never good to remember our ages, Birthdays, etc.
Similar with programs. He constantly asks is this such a program, etc. However he loves talking and would talk for Ireland.
Lately he's been mixing up people he'd know of and calling people by the wrong name but he's done this over the years also.
He's becoming slower to do basic tasks but he was never the fastest.
He'd be very security conscious. Everybody is out to steel everything(It's getting worse tough) but lately he's left the gates open and keys in the front door, left the door open on different occasions.(However it's like he focuses so much on one thing he forgets the basics).
He's a compulsive hoarder always has been. It's at the stage now where my mother has to sleep on the sofa because there is no room for her in their bedroom. He mainly collects tools, socks, hats, newspapers, boxes, packets of food, etc.
We've tried lot's of approaches over the years to help him tidy up but he just won't.

I've seen some people develop different types of memory conditions over the years but they ere often very sharp people but my father wouldn't have been on the first place and maybe he's just getting a bit slower.

I know my mother is getting concerns also.

Has anybody opinions about this?

Tork · 29-09-2020 7:24pm

The best person to ask for an opinion is your father's GP. If he has dementia (naturally, I hope he doesn't) he'd need to be assessed by someone with expertise in this area. Maybe the "Normal ageing vs dementia" table here might give you some ideas but I still think it's a GP you should be asking.

The White Feather · 29-09-2020 9:02pm

I was in the exact same position with my dad. We had to gather all the family around at the house and have an intervention style meeting.

This was to address the hoarding and memory issues. We had to get him to agree to getting a check up with his doctor and a skip outside to clear everything out. Of course he went on about the cost of it etc but we all said we would chip in to pay for it so he would have no excuse. Then we all came over one day to help clear the place out. He had to agree to no more driving as he was making mistakes and we were all worried what could happen. This wasnt easy as it took almost a whole day with everyone there to get him to agree. With everyone saying it he knew that he had to agree but it was a slog and a tough day.

Having a united front is very important so maybe meet with everyone first and see that everyone is on the same page then arrange to meet him together. You can find out if people have noticed the same things or maybe its not as bad as you thought. You obviously need your mother on board with every step of the plan and she knows him best on whats needed.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2020 3:11am

Thanks.
I do think my mother would go on side easy enough. However she a bit slow to take action.
Not to talk my father down now but he was sort of traditional and what he said went.
His Hoarding has been out of control with 25 years plus. Growing up we never had friends over, etc. He wanted to keep ever tub, box, etc and that was that.
We've tried various methods with him to tidy up over the years and he won't listen. His wife is now sleeping on the couch because there is no room for her on the bed and it doesn't seem to bother him.
If we did try and tidy the room up he'd nearly have a heart attack. Even if we only organised things to make a little bit of space.

We've all noticed little things in the past while but he was never a 100% but it's certainly getting worse.

Regarding the driving. Whilst he has a license and is insured he had barely driven in the past 20 years and he'd never really be left alone with the car keys.

The White Feather · 30-09-2020 11:39am

Again, you are saying stuff that was exactly like my situation. My dad was in charge and my mam just went along with things. My dad collected all sorts of junk and loads of new stuff. Stuff from lidl and Aldi, like kettles, guitars etc All the special offers. He had rooms full with stuff and nothing thrown away. Bear in mind my dad doesnt play any instruments but he had guitars, bongos and harmonicas! All opened and looked at for a few mins, then put back in the box and thrown into a room.

Everything else was kept too like your dad, tubs, boxes papers, etc

I condensed time in my post as it took a few months. We originally went over and said said we are cleaning up. He said no way could we do it but that he would do it. We thought that was progress and left. Then a few days later he had left out an old bicycle and an old pallet to be dumped. Totally not realising what was needed. yes he collected old bicycles that he found. Then with memory issues everything was getting worse. We had to gather and just insist. We said my mam was coming to live with us unless he relented. Again he thought we were bluffing until we came over to pack her things and then he began to realise. My mam did all the cooking so he would have been helpless. We said skip is arriving and we will be over to dump stuff. A huge battle but it had to be done.

I know what you mean, as with the hoarding you let it slide like we did, but with memory issues such as leaving doors wide open and not locking up it gets very dangerous. Driving too he was scraping the car in the driveway and making small mistakes. He usually was exact about everything. I came over and keys left in the door just like you.

It just has to be done for even safety reasons. We were worried about stuff falling on my mother or my dad and they wouldnt be able to get out.

We joked it was like the plot against Hitler to get him to clean up. My dad was the king and what he said went. But it has to done. When we were dumping stuff we had to have him stay elsewhere for a few nights as he was just bringing stuff back in.

This was all a massive battle but you should think of your mother. like we did. She deserves to live in a better condition and your dad deserves better too. Unfortunately memory issues make things dangerous so things have to done.

pwurple · 30-09-2020 1:00pm

I've been through similar... it's very very difficult and I can sympathise with it.

What I can offer on the hoarding, is that we took the approach that the poster above me mentioned, driving in and doing it ourselves after repeated requests for them to do it themselves went without action. Cleared out the place, dumped literally tonnes of old newspapers and magazines, empty frames that had been piled up, boxes of expired food, those lidl/aldi buys(words can't express how much I hate those now). We went to loads of effort donating unworn clothes, shoes, toys, gifts for people that had never been given. it took a massive effort.

1 year later, nearly the same qty was accumulated again.

We completed the exercise again, and again, the space filled up. It became an iterative process, that we continued to do every year or so, until their death.

We were looking for a 'fix', a change in behaviour, but it became evident that it was something we needed to cope with, as they did not want to change.

hayoc · 30-09-2020 2:57pm

The hoarding is a serious mental health issue and unlikely to change without professional intervention.

I would advise you to speak to your fathers GP for advice in the first instance.

ILoveYourVibes · 30-09-2020 11:35pm

I think you need a qualified medical evaluation for him.

Maybe contact a GP and take it from there.

What is going on has concerned you. And your mother has more or less been evicted from the bedroom.

Should I be concerned about my father or am I overthinking it?

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