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I dont like my Daughters choice of Boyfriend

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  • 18-04-2019 11:19am
    #1
    Will1968
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭


    My daughter, now 19, has fallen for the wrong guy. How do I tell her?

    Having been together for almost two years, the BF broke the relationship off 6 weeks before her Leaving Cert Exams, and the planned summer holiday never happened. But he is now back on the scene, and i don't know what to do, as I see no good future for her with him.

    I hate knocking people but there is no getting away from facts. He left school early (5th year) to work with his dad. From what I know this is very much an on/off thing, as he was unreliable . He worked for his uncle, but he too fired him. He's back working with his dad currently for now. But his lack of education and job prospects are not what worry me. Its drugs.

    Since he has come back on the scene some months ago there has been a marked change in his usual bubbly personality. My daughters other friends seem to disapprove as they won't meet with him and whilst she has good friends, she no longer brings the BF on nights out with friends. He seem very reliant on alcohol, insofar as every day he had to have a drink. He has openly admitted to smoking drugs. He has been beaten up a couple of times ending up in A&E needing stitches.

    His parents are separated a long number of years but late last year his mother has left the family home and returned to her native country leaving just him and his older sister in the family home. I have learned that his sister is doing hard drugs and her boyfriend, who seems to be living there too, is dealing class A drugs.

    Getting back to my daughters BF, on his last visit to my home, he had in one pocket a handful of prescribed medication, as he has some mental issues, and in the other a bag of what I guess was weed/hash which he said he preferred to what the doctors had given him. Or he would take a little of both together. He is self medicating.

    What scares me more than the abuse he does to himself, is the people he is close to. He had told us that he owed money to the wrong people, tens of thousands of euros, but then withdrew the story. His sisters BF, the drug dealer, has brought trouble to their house, which is what caused the mother to leave. I don't want any of that **** arriving on my doorstep.

    When he left my house the last time I told him not to come back, not to see my daughter any more. (I never thought I would ever be that kind of Dad)

    My daughter thinks she can change him. That things are not as bad as i make out. She loves him. And has kept in touch and met him a few times since. She now wants to bring him home to our house again. But how can i accept him in?

    I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. I love my daughter and want her to be happy. But I also need her to be safe, and I don't want her mixed up with this guy and the people he hangs around with.

    How do I get her to open her eyes?


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    #2
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    That's a tough one but I wouldn't be happy knowing especially about the drugs and I'd be worrying she would go the same road as these types push drugs onto others.

    Might be worth giving her all the best information on drugs and what they do and how life will be if she became addicted as it's a terrible life to have.

    I wouldn't allow him in my house either.

    I can see it going 2 ways though as she will know what's best(dreaming) and just continue on behind your back and end up blanking you out completely.

    She needs a wake up call and thinking she will change him is the worst decision she will ever make.

    You say he has mental issues and this would worry me also as she really doesn't need that mess either.


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    #3
    Markcheese
    Registered Users Posts: 8,428 ✭✭✭Markcheese


    Said almost every dad, everywhere at some point..not much you can say, or do without being "wrong, and not understanding"
    Just don't fall out with her... She'll probably need the back up

    Slava ukraini 🇺🇦



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    #4
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,379 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Will1968 wrote: »
    My daughter, now 19, has fallen for the wrong guy. How do I tell her?

    You don't. Anything you say or do to try and put her off him is likely to just drive her further into his arms. And she's 19, so if she decides "Screw you, I love him and I'm moving in with him" and decides to go and live with him and the sister and the boyfriend, there's exactly diddly squat you can do about it.

    You need to take a very detached approach here, imo. She's not stupid, presumably; you've said she's aware of his issues but she thinks she can change him. You know and we know that she's on a hiding to nothing there but that's something she has to figure out for herself. In the meantime, all you can do is make it clear that you love her and just want her to be safe and happy, but that he is not welcome in the house. And then just leave it at that. Don't openly judge her or him, don't even bring the relationship up. And then just hope to god she grows out of him sooner rather than later.

    You say that her friends don't like him and she has stopped bringing him on nights out with them. This is encouraging, and tbh I suspect her friends' poor opinions of him will be far more effective in influencing her than yours ever will be.


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    #5
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    Isn’t it better to see and know what’s going on and keeping an eye on things rather than pushing them into a situation whereas your daughter feels she can’t confide in you?


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    #6
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Go into Dublin city for a meal and a chat and walk down any street or boardwalk and she can be pointed to the life of what drugs will do....


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    #7
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Good thing its not you going out with him so.

    you cannot make your daughters choices for her. You can choose whether he gets into your house, that's entirely your prerogative.

    just make sure you don't cut off your daughter. Tell her she is always welcome without him, and be there for her if she needs to come back. Other than that this her life and she will need to live it.

    if i were you i would refrain from making things worse. if there ever comes a grandchild you may need to eat your pride of lose that potential relationship.


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Some of the attitudes in here belong to parents in the 80's...


    She's 19. Chances are high that it's not going to work out. So, what do you do in the meantime? You could be like the dad in Freaks and Geeks like some have suggested, "I knew a guy who smoked marijuana once. He's dead now" or point out the addicts and say, "they'll be dead soon" but I doubt any 19 year old is going to pay any attention to that.

    If I were you, I would recommend killing them with kindness, let him back in the house, and go overboard in your interest in him and her. Constantly ask questions, be an active part of their relationship, and chances are, you'll scare him off.

    Also, big difference in Class A's. Heroin is one thing, pills and lsd are completely another. Don't get me wrong, they're both as criminally bad, but they are not the same.


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    #9
    nikkibikki
    Registered Users Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭nikkibikki


    My parents hated my bf at that age but their behaviour only drove me towards him. I hate him now tho, I eventually saw the light!

    My advice would be to not loose the rag with her. Don't get angry with her. Keep the lines of communication open with her. Sit her down and let her know how worried you are about her safety, but do it softly or she'll never talk to you about anything. Let her know you will always be there for her to talk or whatever and you'll always be in her corner.


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    #10
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Sorry OP but it's none of your business, she's 19, legally an adult and not likely to take relationship advice from her parents.

    By the time she's 25, this guy will more than likely be ancient history. There may even be a few more losers between now and then. You can't realistically wade in with disapprovals every time she makes a poor choice, it will only make her more determined to prove you wrong.

    The best thing you can do is step back, let her make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons from them.


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    #11
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    have him welcome in your home, but lay down rules that you would be happy with.

    in your home you can at least keep an eye on him.
    i am very much against drugs of any form so i wont do the 'what he's taking isnt as bad as what he ciuld be taking' argument.

    maybe in time he'll sort himself out but maybe your daughter will see him for what he is, realise that only he can change himself, and open her eyes to the fact that she deserves a lot better than this lad.


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    #12
    goldenhoarde
    Registered Users Posts: 858 ✭✭✭goldenhoarde


    nikkibikki wrote: »
    My parents hated my bf at that age but their behaviour only drove me towards him. I hate him now tho, I eventually saw the light!

    My advice would be to not loose the rag with her. Don't get angry with her. Keep the lines of communication open with her. Sit her down and let her know how worried you are about her safety, but do it softly or she'll never talk to you about anything. Let her know you will always be there for her to talk or whatever and you'll always be in her corner.


    Listen to this sound advice and be sure not to push her closer, she's an adult, be there to help after the break up but don't take the high ground, listen instead


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    #13
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    Love is blind - never a truer word spoken.

    How ever this pans out, whatever your daughter decides, never let this guys back in your home. To do so would be to endorse the relationship she has with him.

    As a parent it is your job to protect your child, unfortunately you cannot always protect them from themselves. Some times they have to make their owns mistakes. This doesn't mean you shouldnt offer an opinion.

    Don't let this situation define the relationship you have with your daughter. When she eventually wakes up and smells the coffee, she will need her father to help pick up the pieces.

    Because she is an adult , you cannot dictate who she decides she wants to spend time with. But that doesn't mean you have to support her choice.

    Stand your ground, this guy is very bad news.


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    #14
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    A friend of mine has been separated from her ex husband for a number of years. They married when she was 18, had two kids. He lied, cheated, beat her up, spread rumours about her, stole from her, the lot. We were talking all about it drinking in hers one night and i said "Jesus Christ, Louise, what did you ever see in him in the first place??"

    She laughed and said "i was 17 and my parents hated him!"

    Just be there for her when it comes tumbling down. As others have said, making a stand now will only drive her closer to him, and may even make it harder for her to leave him later on because that would mean admitting you were right about him.

    It's a tough one but you're going to have to bite your tongue.


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    #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    At 19, yes she is legally an adult, but I can't think of any 19 year old I've ever met who were still living at home and being a fully capable, independent adult. She's still your child, and she still needs you supporting her and providing for her.

    Rather than fighting her on this and having her pull away from you, you need to change direction a bit. I think you are right to say you don't want him in your house. It is your house and you have every right to decide who enters it.

    Talk to her about him. About how she thinks she can change him. About out how long she's willing to wait and see if he is capable of change. About how many chances she's going to give him. Because if she thinks she can change him (which we all know is bull, but she doesn't know that yet) then there has to be a time frame. Or ask her does she want to be in her 40s and still trying to change him.

    Ask her to go to an Al-Anon meeting with you. It's a group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. She will meet people who have lived the life she's setting herself up for. She's young, and she wouldn't be the first person to think "this time it's different" or "he loves me enough to change".

    Chances are at 19 this relationship isn't going to go the distance anyway. She will soon realise her friends are all out enjoying the carefree life, or enjoying "normal" relationships. Don't make it difficult for her to leave this fella. Don't make her want to dig her heels in and stay longer just to prove to you all you're wrong. Encourage her to talk to you. If she doesn't want to talk to you encourage her to confide in someone. I know people an awful lot older than her, and who you'd think should have more cop on, stay in similar relationships always thinking he'd change. They rarely do.


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    #16
    Nikki Sixx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 426 ✭✭Nikki Sixx


    This is a genuine question that may offend you. Is your daughter on drugs? If any girl is going out with a druggie, who lives in a house where drugs are the norm, is it not at least possible that she is experimenting?


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    #17
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,001 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Split with my husband a few years ago. Was nervous about telling my Dad. He replied "I never really liked him anyway".

    Like your daughter, if my Dad had told me that, it would have pushed me closer to my ex.


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    #18
    Will1968
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Will1968


    Nikki Sixx wrote: »
    This is a genuine question that may offend you. Is your daughter on drugs? If any girl is going out with a druggie, who lives in a house where drugs are the norm, is it not at least possible that she is experimenting?

    Good question. One I have asked myself. But I’m pretty sure she isn’t. She doesn’t even drink that often. She’s a responsible kid, always has been, has got her life back in order after their breakup, got a job, saved and bought a car, and now he’s back. I can’t say she’s never experienced any drugs, but I know she’s not blowing her wages on it.


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    #19
    Gerianam
    Registered Users Posts: 118 ✭✭Gerianam


    Could you get your daughter on to a language course/summer camp abroad. Anything to get her away from her current environment?


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    #20
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Gerianam wrote: »
    Could you get your daughter on to a language course/summer camp abroad. Anything to get her away from her current environment?

    No. OP's daughter is 19 and therefore an adult. OP can suggest it, but I doubt it'll go down well...

    I'm with Pappa Dolla. Kill him with kindness. Invite the bloke into your house, but don't allow him to stay over. Take an 'interest' in him.

    With regard to BBOC's suggestion of going to an Al-Anon meeting? it's a great idea but I am not sure this will work either. What 19 YO would even think of it? And certainly no 19 YO I know will go to one! You see - they know it all, even though we all know good and well, they are still babies and very immature.

    All the OP can do is keep a close eye, and be there to pick up the pieces. Hopefully, his daughter will soon see the light and dump him. Guy sounds like a loser right now. Of course, it might change, but I doubt it.


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    #21
    BettePorter
    Registered Users Posts: 2,257 ✭✭✭BettePorter


    My friend was in a similar situ. 18 year old daughter going out with a complete scummer. She couldn't see past him yet he'd constantly let her down /dump her , usually the day before an event... her debs, her birthday and arrive back on the scene a few days later.

    All the while my friend bided her time through gritted teeth and was there to pick up the pieces when he messed her about. She said nothing in the hope it would fizzle out and prayed to bejesus she didn't get pregnant. Sure enough gradually as the daughters friends started going out with decent lads and fellas who weren't barred from x y and z clubs she started to realise she had blinkers on and the next time they split up it was for good! Shes now dating a lovely decent fella.

    So basically... say nothing and trust that she'll find her own way before she gets pregnant. No way be honest about how u feel. Bide your time.


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    #22
    Will1968
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Will1968


    Firstly, thanks to everyone who has taken the time and effort to write here. Some have resonated more than others, but all appreciated.

    By way of update, my wife and I had a chat with our girl, and in short, told her how we feel, but that we would not stop her from seeing this guy if that what she wanted. And at the same time we were not angry with her, that we are always here for here, and she should have no fear in talking to us.

    But he pointed out he had crossed a line, bringing drugs into our home. And that for now, he was not to come back here. If he managed to change his habits we could review that.

    We also said that he needs more help than just my daughter, suggested a few places where he could go, but ultimately it was up to him to choose to go there, he can’t be forced. He would want to change and clean up his act.

    So there we have it, she’s with him as I speak. And yeah, I can’t help worry about her.


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    #23
    Sorry about that
    Closed Accounts Posts: 632 ✭✭✭Sorry about that


    Will1968 wrote: »
    Firstly, thanks to everyone who has taken the time and effort to write here. Some have resonated more than others, but all appreciated.

    By way of update, my wife and I had a chat with our girl, and in short, told her how we feel, but that we would not stop her from seeing this guy if that what she wanted. And at the same time we were not angry with her, that we are always here for here, and she should have no fear in talking to us.

    But he pointed out he had crossed a line, bringing drugs into our home. And that for now, he was not to come back here. If he managed to change his habits we could review that.

    We also said that he needs more help than just my daughter, suggested a few places where he could go, but ultimately it was up to him to choose to go there, he can’t be forced. He would want to change and clean up his act.

    So there we have it, she’s with him as I speak. And yeah, I can’t help worry about her.

    Fantastic Mam and Dad.


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    #24
    Abel Ruiz
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Abel Ruiz


    Idle Passerby wrote: »
    Sorry OP but it's none of your business, she's 19, legally an adult and not likely to take relationship advice from her parents.

    Definitely his business. She is living in his house, and his rules apply.
    And he gets to decide to passes through the door.
    The woman can date who she wants of course, but that doesn't mean the bf can come into the home.

    I'd advise to keep warning the daughter of the dangers that come with drugs/dealing and being associated with an addict.


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    #25
    BBFAN
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭BBFAN


    I think you're taking exactly the right approach here OP. All you can do now is step back and hope that she doesn't get pregnant. Even if she does, that can be dealt with too.

    Most of us have had terrible boyfriends/girlfriends in our lifetime and eventually copped on so hopefully that's what will happen.


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    #26
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    She is 19. She isn't going to listen to her parents. On the other hand, as with most "relationships" at that age it is extremely unlikely to work out in the long run.
    Hopefully the negative feedback from her friends will make her see sense as friends can be very influential.

    One worry is that I would hope that she doesn't get pregnant from him or contract a serious infectious disease such as HIV or Hep B because this fella is a self admitted drug addict.

    A 19 year old girl should be out having fun with her friends and living the good life and perhaps have a normal, well adjusted boyfriend if she wants - not being lumbered with being a support for a no good drug addict with mental health issues. Fook that, who needs that drama in their life at 19?

    The approach you have taken seems about as good as you could have done so well done.

    On the other hand my thinking would have been to leave her off and then after a while tip off the Gardai that there is a drug den in that house and hope that the bf, his sister and her partner all get busted and that could also get rid of him off of the scene as I can't imagine a 19 year old girl wants to be visiting a dead beat bf in prison.


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    #27
    Will1968
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Will1968


    We’ve taken steps against pregnancy but of course that doesn’t mean no protection and we’ve discussed that. Hopefully she is heeding that advice.

    She starts a part time course in a couple of weeks. Between that and a full time job there will be little time for the bf, so we will see where it goes.


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    #28
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Will1968 wrote: »
    We’ve taken steps against pregnancy but of course that doesn’t mean no protection and we’ve discussed that. Hopefully she is heeding that advice.

    She starts a part time course in a couple of weeks. Between that and a full time job there will be little time for the bf, so we will see where it goes.


    Good idea! Hopefully your daughter will soon see the light and dump the loser when she sees he is going precisely nowhere in life at the moment.

    I hope it works out. Good luck!


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    #29
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Maybe you should bring her to visit a womens refuge or a rape crisis centre so she can see how a lot of women end up when the get into ill judged relationships with mentally unstable addicts that inevitably turn abusive in one form or another.


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    #30
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Maybe you should bring her to visit a womens refuge or a rape crisis centre so she can see how a lot of women end up when the get into ill judged relationships with mentally unstable addicts that inevitably turn abusive in one form or another.

    With respect, those places are not zoos with abused women on display for people to gawp at. I'm not sure how you think these places work, but you should probably do a bit of research into these things before making a suggestion like that.

    OP, I think you're taking the right approach here. It's natural to worry and it's going to be hard to bite your tongue at times but hopefully you won't have to do that for very much longer - if she's working full time and doing a course she obviously has a bit of get-up-and-go about her and so her boyfriend's lifestyle is going to get less appealing over time.

    She knows you're there for her. That's the most important thing.


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    #31
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Maybe you should bring her to visit a womens refuge or a rape crisis centre so she can see how a lot of women end up when the get into ill judged relationships with mentally unstable addicts that inevitably turn abusive in one form or another.

    It's actually disturbing that you think you can wander in off the streets and point at traumatised women and children all for the purposes of a teaching moment.

    Just so you don't give out this poor advice again, client privacy and safety is paramount in centres like these, so security is heavy.

    The last time I visited a refuge, I was buzzed into a porch with a camera pointing at me, and someone from the office came through a heavily locked and solid door to that porch. I got no further than that porch. And I had rang ahead, given my full name, job title and company and explained I'd be dropping off a cash collection our office had done. And I'm female.


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